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Sorta Down....

My kids have an assembly today, so that's good. I think they will do okay. I didn't have a bad day yesterday at work. With the exception of the normal drama that occurs among teachers, everything is going well. There will always be pettiness though...

I'm sorta down. I haven't really been right since Homecoming, really. Trying to figure out what exactly it is that I'm feeling, and I just don't know really.

I do know that I am missing some sort of intimacy in my life. All I really talk about is work and the book. People ask me "How is everything else?" and I think to myself, well what the hell else is there to possibly talk about? And then I realize oh....people want to know if I am dating. And I think to myself, what a silly question, of course I'm not.

It's not such a silly question though....I throw myself into my work with everything I'd got, just as I would a partner, a man, a significant other. I do it for the love of the art and because I care about my career as a writer, and my career as a teacher. But....I also know that I'd rather have it this way, after months and years of hurt.

Hurt sucks....I hate investing myself into someone only to have them change their minds about me. I wish you knew just how many times I *thought* I had something with someone, only to have them say "Let's just be friends" at best, or stop talking to me altogether. It happens...A LOT.

When one goes through that kind of pain, you don't want to repeat it. But at the same time, you miss out on intimacy. Sometimes, I just want somebody whose lap I can lay my head in. That's not even a sexual thing, ya dig?

But it's hard being an "average" gay man in this city....I'm not on the DL, but I'm not like the majority of gay men here. I don't like the various clubs here, mostly. I hate house music. I just don't like all the traditional things....I'd rather go to a nice neo soul kinda spot and listen to some live music. Doesn't have to be a gay club.

But then, what do I do to meet my soul mate? I don't want to pick somebody up in some meat market environment -- that's not me. I'm a fan of letting things happen naturally, meeting people by doing whatever it is you normally do. I think that's only right....it doesn't try to skew fate, and no matter what, you're already having fun, so you can focus on having fun, not on meeting someone.

I *should* be able to meet a potential date anywhere I go....

But then, maybe that doesn't apply to gay men who are average. For the most part, everything I do is in a hetereosexual environment. Don't get me wrong, I love gay people....but the typical avenues aren't my scene. The atypical avenues....and there are some...well, I won't say that I've exhausted all of my respurces, but I have to come out of my comfort zone just a little bit before I go to an Adodi meeting or one of these movie nights I keep hearing about.

It'll happen....sooner or later. Whether I follow a path that's been created already or if I have to create my own.

Cuz loneliness SUCKS, dude.

Posted by Rashid on October 13, 2004 7:12 AM