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What is wrong with me?
Okay, so.....I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because I have seen the most beautiful thing in my life.
Karamo and Dorian (The Real World: Philadelphia)on the couch, holding each other, caressing each other, just plain being affectionate. Kissing. Two black men.
For real.
No bullshit.
First of all, was this history? Has this ever happened before?
I can't explain to you all adequately how it feels to have seen that on my tv screen and have it be an accurate reflection of what it looks like when I LOVE.
Yes, America, I love.
We love. THAT's how I love. It's not a novel, it's not a story.
This is two dudes lives playing out on television for America to see, digest, and judge.
I see now why I could never be on the real world. Writing in this blog is one thing...writing novels -- that's one thing. But these men -- these strong, black men -- have put themselves out there in a way that NO OTHER BLACK MEN have done.
I am crying.....I am filled with so much emotion....
Yes, there is a twinge of jealousy there....YES, okay, I was like "ILLLLLL I LOOK BETTER THAN THAT NIGGA!"
(Sorry, Dorian...that's just an expression of my own inadequacies when it comes to self esteem. You're cute.)
But by the time the episode ended, I realized this wasn't about me having a crush on a reality tv person (which I do) as much as it was me being jealous that ANYBODY is in a god damned relationship.
But before I go into that, even if this Dorian and Karamo thing doesn't last, or was edited into something bigger than it really was, I am really happy because of what it MEANS for gay black people everywhere.
Now, onto my actual bitterness.
DUDES AND DUDETTES, I am sooooooo single it don't make no sense. That whole black male affection thing really fucked me up. (Sidebar: I curse alot, y'all. I tried not to, but I do. Forgive me.) Seeing Dorian and Karmo on that couch reminded me so much of the times that I've been intimate (not necessarily sexually) with somebody I liked.
There's nothing at all like it. I miss it so much. But where do I find it?
I've had so many false starts....in fact, a message that this dude Audacity sent out to his yahoogroup this week was REALLY reminiscent of some things I've been through with relationships. In fact, I, like Audacity, have had few relationships, but many other interactions with people that never went anywhere.
I miss those people....I miss those times. I don't miss the bad times. But I miss sitting on the couch, holding hands, kissing.
I remember one night....damn....standing out on 36th Street with this DUDE. I was feeling DUDE so hard....and I can remember just kissing him...and kissing him...and kissing him...until it was like 3am and he had to go. And then I kissed him right in front of his car, right on 36th street, in front of God and everybody. Okay, well maybe only god was awake. At any rate...I just remember that night so vividly, the air was crisp....it was so REAL.
I miss the way we were then. I really do. I am content with his friendship, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go back to how we were.
And here I am now...married to the craft. Married to my career. Married to writing. I've gotten no action for a while. It's not so much that I miss the physicality of intimacy....but I miss the emotions involved. It truly sucks to come home to a couch. No emails from somebody I know can be over in five, ten, thirty minutes. No voicemails from someone who is feeling me. No cards, no packages....nothing from the infamous ONE.
Thanks Karamo and Dorian for fucking up my world, LOL.
I am extremely blessed to have the talents that I do, the family and friends that I have, and the opportunities that are practically being thrown at me. I know that god is watching out for me, and that there is a reason I am rolling solo for now.
But that's hardly a comfort when you wake up alone.
Have a good night!
Posted by Rashid on October 19, 2004 10:29 PM