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Damn, Gina!
I can't believe I lost an entry.
Here I am typing away, then I fall asleep because I am really too tired to keep going. I leave the computer on, get up early, pop in my tape of ER, and resume typing.
Then somehow, I am working in Netscape, right click on a tab, and click "Close Other Tabs" instead of closing the one I wanted closed. Of course, I lost my entry.
Bah. Oh well. It's probably for the best. I'll try to recreate what I remember.
I love, but hate the feeling I get when I like someone....it's a great feeling, but it's toxic. See....when I like someone, I really like them. But I don't like everyone that way.....it's tough to explain....
It's a toxic feeling because, for me, it always turns out that the people I have these feelings for....well....they either can't return the feelings in the same way....or don't. And because the communication isn't where it needs to be, I end up getting hurt.
Ironically, I always tell a dude how I feel, at the beginning, middle, and end stages of a "relationship" -- indeed, that is what is probably intimidating about me, my ability to be candid with my emotions. I don't play games with people. Tell me the truth; I'll tell you the truth. So why is communication always a problem for me? Why do I always end up getting hurt by someone who "just" didn't like me the same way, when things were going so well, it seemed?
I don't guess that everyone I come into contact is wack. That would be the easy explanation. Okay, yes, some if not many men I've dated have been wack. (Ha ha, I just thought how funny it would be if I named names....) But some of these men are very beautiful people that I still hold some kind of feelings for, even if they are buried deep, deep inside and never mentioned or dealt with.
Not many men, just a few.
And I wonder what happened, what went wrong, what could I have done differently to avoid being hurt? How could I predict that someone I date faithfully for a few months all of a sudden stop calling me, stop emailing me...won't return my messages? How can anyone predict that somebody will turn into an asshole?
And I guess you can't, really....no matter how much screening I do, there is no way that I can predict that someone will spend time with me, know exactly what will hurt me most, and then use it against me. It happens. People do this. It hurts. It keeps me single.
So there's your answer. I am single because I am tired of being hurt be people I love.
That said....I can pretty much tell the type of man that has that "hurt-potential." It's not that I try to avoid him....but hey, who goes out looking for hurt, right? Not the kid.
I love, but hate the feeling I get just before I start liking somebody....the conversations on the phone...the emails...the text messages...everything's wonderful. You like thinking about that person....you smile like a little bitch when you're talking on the phone.
Yeah, that's me.
It's a scary feeling knowing that you could fall for someone.
So many things I'm goin' through
So much that I wanna do
It startin' to become so clear to me
Tomorrow ain't really what it seems...
Yeah....that's me.
I don't want to overthink this....oh hell, you know I wouldn't be me if I didn't overthink this. I have this thing where I think through every single scenario that could possibly happen in a given situation.
So I will TRY not to overthink this. I will TRY to let things flow. I will TRY to not become emotionally invested in hypotheticals, be they positive or negative.
I WILL always be honest and upfront with my emotions. Even though that doesn't give me the outcome that I WANT, it always gives me the outcome I need. If a man can't deal with the real me...the raw ME that exists beyond the dreads, the book, the flirtation....if he can't deal with what lies in my heart, then he's just not worth dealing with in the first place.
How you like them apples?
Posted by Rashid on November 12, 2004 6:43 AM