You're Elle Driver! Sly and evil, you can manipulate people in order to get whatever you want. You're usually alone, but that's the way you like it. You hate having others nearby to order you around (unless it's Bill, of course... but even then you're still hesitant).

Kill Bill: Which Deadly Viper Assassin Are You? (Vol. II spoilers... results with pics)

Posted by Rashid on January 30, 2005 at 11:09 AM | Comments (0)

ow

I feel like I was hit by a car. My body is sooooo sore. After a point, there just was no way to get comfortable.

This cough is horrible. I was burning up, then freezing, then sweating all night. I went through two shirts and a pair of sweatpants.

And my ears feel stopped up.

I HATE the fact that I will have to take today off. I don't have money to just not be going to work.

And who is supposed to take care of me? Ugh. Times like these really remind how how freaking alone I am.

Posted by Rashid on January 27, 2005 at 6:28 AM | Comments (2)

Sick!

I am sick as a dog, dudes.

For one, I am burning up! Then I am cold! Sort of like my love life, EH HEHEHE.

My joints ache like I am a hunned fitty years old. It literally feels like it's shooting through my body.

I have a fever.

I have a cough.

I lay down, then I start sweatin.

BUT, I am hungry, so that's a good sign I reckon.

But I highly doubt that I'll be going to work tomorrow. I'm going to try to sleep it off tonight and decide in the morning.

Posted by Rashid on January 26, 2005 at 5:58 PM | Comments (0)

Collateral

I watched Collateral....it was good. Really made me think.

Posted by Rashid on at 1:28 PM | Comments (0)

Rate Yourself as a Friend

I am going to include the questions by themselves first so you can copy them and answer them for yourselves if you want. I don't recommend forwarding this to friends since it's moreso introspection than it is your opportunity to check your friends, LOL. I, of course, will be sharing my own answers.

*****

Take a moment and answer some of these questions for yourself. And see what kind of friend you may be to others.

1. Do you reach out to others rather than always expect that they will call or come to see you?

2. When you meet others, are you open to the possibility that they may become future allies, confidantes, best friends?

3. Do you approach others with an attitude of acceptance and interest?

4. Are you a good listener, or do you cliam more than your share of the airtime?

5. Do you refuse to become the only nurturer in the relationship?

6. Are you loyal, and do you guard your friends' secrets?

7. Do you practice unsolicited acts of kindness?

8. Do you live an authentic life based on your values and beliefs?

9. Can you ask for and grant forgiveness?

10. Do you listen when a friend tells you that you've hurt them, or do you withdraw or get defensive?

11. Do you encourage other people to develop their strengths and graciously help them overcome weaknesses?

12. Can you enjoy a friend's good fortune, whether in marriage, parenthood or career, even if you aren't on the same track?

Brenda Hunter and Holly Larson
From "In the Company of Friends"

********

1. Do you reach out to others rather than always expect that they will call or come to see you?
I do my best to reach out to others if I sense they need somebody to listen to them. I have a pretty good memory, too. So a friend who might have been going through a situation last year, I will remember things and try to get caught up to speed with their life. My point: I am not the best at maintaining weekly phone calls with my friends, but I try to make any time spent on my friends to feel extra special.

2. When you meet others, are you open to the possibility that they may become future allies, confidantes, best friends?
I think it depends on the situation. At work, I did my best to reach out to all the teachers and other subs, but that was more because I wanted to get used to everyone and feel comfortable. So I guess although I don't always expect a connection, I am open to the possibility. Socially though, it may be different.

3. Do you approach others with an attitude of acceptance and interest?
Of course. If I don't accept others for who they are, how can I expect to be accepted? However, don't get me wrong -- internally, I think I am pretty judgmental, but I'm trying to get better.

4. Are you a good listener, or do you claim more than your share of the airtime?
I talk an awful lot, but I am a damn good listener.

5. Do you refuse to become the only nurturer in the relationship?
It's hard to find someone who is actually nurturing. Maybe I am resigned to the fact that most people aren't that way.

6. Are you loyal, and do you guard your friends' secrets?
Very loyal indeed and yes.

7. Do you practice unsolicited acts of kindness?
I love them....I like to see people smile.

8. Do you live an authentic life based on your values and beliefs?
Heck yeah. What you see is what I believe.

9. Can you ask for and grant forgiveness?
Forgiving is very hard for me. Sometimes I will say that I forgive even when I am still bitter in the hopes that one day I can let the bitterness go.

10. Do you listen when a friend tells you that you've hurt them, or do you withdraw or get defensive?
Both, unfortunately. I'm not used to being in the wrong, and when I am wrong, I too often revel in being the bad boy. If I really care about the person, I will do my best to squash the situation.

11. Do you encourage other people to develop their strengths and graciously help them overcome weaknesses?
I'm a teacher, I have to! lol. But seriously, I enjoy helping people in a lot of ways.

12. Can you enjoy a friend's good fortune, whether in marriage, parenthood or career, even if you aren't on the same track?
Heck yeah! Now granted, I am not for anyone under 30 getting married (unless it's me, lol) but in general, I am very happy for my friends' accomplishments.

Posted by Rashid on at 10:22 AM | Comments (0)

I wish I didn't take things so seriously.....

So him sent out a little joke email about valentine's day.....I took that thing so seriously. Ugh. It's like somewhere inside me I was like wow, maybe I can be his Valentine FOR REAL! Oh boy!

Yeah right....what was I thinking? I went to sleep and woke up kicking myself.

I internalize EVERYTHING.

*****

I have a cold. I'm not working today. That's a day's pay down the crapper.

Maybe I can find ways to sell copies of this novel....

Posted by Rashid on at 6:34 AM

freethought

georgetown beat st. johns wooooo hooooo. we weren't a horrible team when i was there, but it's nice to see us win nowadays.

why is larry king talkin about teacher student sex? barf barf barf. why do these women want to be screwin' these lil boys?

i had pizza tonight for dinner but these bamas forgot the hot peppers.

my cough is getting worse....this sucks, i hope i don't get sicker overnight.

i am so tired, my thoughts don't even make sense right now.

i want a kid. i want a son. bad. but i am kinda broke.

hey y'all, support this documentary, Boxers and Ballerinas. My boy from undergrad is behind this.

i wonder if it's cheaper to knock a girl up on my own than go through a lab and surrogacy and all that shit. well, i guess i know it's cheaper, but how am i supposed to find a girl to carry my kid AND let me keep it? lol

i JUST realized i ain't gonna be able to see my favorite APO bro this week because of a STUPID pta meeting. blegh. if shari goes, i'ma need her to see when the bro is leaving town.

harper valley pta....i wonder that that song sounds like.

american idol was a hot mess, especially the 'crunk' dude. wow.

degrassi...i miss it.

okay, enough rambling...time for bed.

night.

Posted by Rashid on January 25, 2005 at 9:28 PM | Comments (0)

Break down and let it all out....

Thank you, Darold....

Thank you, Barry....

Thank you, him.....

I really needed you tonight, and you came through for me, each of you. Thank you for talking to me....thank you for listening.

For everyone else interested in the saga of my teaching career...you know I can't tell you details. Just lift up my students in prayer if you do that sort of thing.

Oh yeah, and me too.

Posted by Rashid on January 24, 2005 at 10:56 PM | Comments (0)

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

TEN people I enjoy the company of (in no specific order)
1. Nikki
2. Shari
3. Jimi
4. Tracy
5. Angella
6. George
7. Jamila
8. Rashad
9. Smurf
10. Kwame

NINE things I'm wearing:
1. Gray sweatpants
2. Black slippers
3. t-shirt advertising the place I work
4. black and gray button-fly boxer briefs
5. glasses
6. remnants of Cool Water cologne
7.
8.
9.

EIGHT things on my mind:
1. This headache.
2. Him.
3. This nagging little cough.
4. One of my students. :-(
5. Johnny Carson
6. Why Wheaton Plaza changed its name
7. The snow
8. Losing weight somehow.

SEVEN items I touch everyday:
1. Rubber band
2. My phone
3. My mouse
4. My keyboard
5. My sunglasses
6. My glasses
7. A cup

SIX things I do everyday:
1. Promote Lazarus
2. Email people
3. Think about Maya somehow
4. Blog (I try)
5. Worry about something, anything
6. Talk to my mom

FIVE things I want to do before I die:
1. Have a son
2. Get rich and famous! (Just rich works, too)
3. Establish a family foundation so my kids never have to work for real-for real
4. Donate enough money to something to get my name on it. (Like a school or a building)
5. Love someone who loves me the same way.

FOUR things I would never do:
1. Father a kid and abandon it.
2. Drugs. ("Never say never, Rah!" -- Jennifer Y., circa 1996)
3. Forget where I came from.
4. Join the Republican Party.

THREE things I think when I wake up:
1. FUCK, what time is it?
2. Did I leave the computer on again?
3. Why do I have to work?

TWO of my favorite foods:
1. Indian
2. Chinese

ONE person I love more than any other:
1. The children that I am yet to father.

Posted by Rashid on at 5:03 PM | Comments (1)

The Snow, Part I

Here are some pics from the recent snowfall:

Posted by Rashid on at 9:51 AM | Comments (0)

Dan Aykroyd

So yeah, I dreamed I had sex with Dan Aykroyd.

:-/

Posted by Rashid on at 6:48 AM | Comments (5)

Weekend Update

I really freakin' don't feel like going to work tomorrow.

I didn't do nearly enough cleaning up this weekend. I guess I SO wanted tomorrow to be a snow day.

Ugh and argh.

I did do a lot of promotion this weekend, though, and a lot of planning. I am looking forward to this event at American on the 3rd. More later, or you can just click on APPEARANCES above.

I think I'm a wee bit too tired to organize my thoughts right now....I'll update more in the morning!

Posted by Rashid on January 23, 2005 at 9:31 PM | Comments (0)

Whatever Happened to Cirroc Lofton?

So....what's up with Cirroc Lofton being so freakin' hot?

If you don't remember who that is, he played Jake Sisco, the son of Captain Benjamin Sisco on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

He used to look like this:

But NOW, he looka lika dis:

!!!!

My question is this...if he's still an actor, why in da hayle isn't THIS man on my television set at least once a week? Can we put the brother on The Wire right quick? Maybe he can be on Girlfriends? SOMETHIN. Cuz a man who look like this doesn't need to be hidden!

:-D

[After some research...]

Cirroc Lofton was in a short-lived show called The Hoop Life in 1999. Here is a summary from www.imdb.com:

The Hoop Life is a show based on the lives of professional basketball players off the court. It is centered around the fictional UBA (United Basketball Association) and it follows the lives of three players from one of the teams, The New England Knights - Greg Marr, Marvin Buxton, and high school phenom Curtis Thorpe. You see the characters and how they react to the money, the pressure, and the subsequent fame. Dan Lauria rounds out the main cast as the head coach of the Knights, Leonard Fero.

I seem to remember this and being happy that Cirroc was working. But I was in college, so who had time to watch?

He was in a movie called Fronterz in 2004. Don't know much about that.

So anyway....yeah, that's just how bored I am today. Yep. Cirroc Lofton. Maybe a year older than me. He acts and looks good, I write books and look good.

I mean...what?

Posted by Rashid on January 22, 2005 at 7:35 PM | Comments (3)

the next morning...

So I woke up and my stomach STILL hurts.

I am trying to eat some crackers and drink some water before I go to work because on Wednesday, I got pretty dizzy for some reason. I assumed it was because I hadn't eaten anything yet, so I ate my lil breakfast bar and felt better. So logically, if I ate BEFORE I got to work, I wouldn't feel dizzy, right? Plus I know I am a little dehydrated.

At 7 or so, I will decide whether I am going to tell my principal I need to leave early.

I didn't expect him to call last night. I was actually pretty wrapped up in ER so I didn't really remember to be neurotic about his call. It would have been nice, but jeez, what am I thinking? I all but told him there wasn't anything else to talk about. So I shouldn't expect his call. Should I?

This really fucking sucks.

One thing I've learned over the years is that just because somebody doesn't talk to you doesn't mean they aren't thinking of you.

Which is a pretty lame axiom. Fuck thinking about me, call me dammit! lol. In general, that is. If he called me, what would I even say? I don't know.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want from him right now or in the future. This is really hard.

Posted by Rashid on January 21, 2005 at 6:20 AM

toooo much info

Okay, my stomach is REALLY doin flip flops, and it ain't stress! I think it's because I drank a big old thing of sparkling cider for no apparent reason after dinner.

[brief hiatus to run BACK to the bathroom]

Okay. So upon further reflection, I have decided that maybe it's stress after all. Yes, I did drink a lot of sparkling cider for some unknown reasons, and no, I don't normally even drink apple juice, which they say will make you wanna go. But yeah...it was a rough day for the kid.

Things are pretty much pfft with me and him.

God man, I love him.

Now, those of you who read this know I'm not going to put his business out there. Even though this is a public diary, some things need to stay sacred. But I want to be with him...bad...and it's just not happening.

Fuck, my stomach hurts.

It's cold comfort to hear that it's really not me. And in a way, I know it's not my fault, but I still feel like whatever I had going wasn't enough to keep him, wasn't enough to make him feel like the whole thing was worth working out with me and not without me.

Maybe I shouldn't have eaten the Skittles. Or the Peach Rings.

Maybe I should have hung in there a little longer, but why? I know how the fuck I feel....and I know how I feel when my calls aren't returned. To do so much for one person -- shit, why do I do that? Throwin motherfuckin twenty dollar bills into wishing wells....

I love you
          because you made me
                      want to love you
          more than I love my privacy
                      my freedom         my commitments
                                 and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
          to love you

How can I give somebody space and time when that's how I feel? Nikki Giovanni knows.

All I can forsee now is throwing myself back into LAZARUS....I got books to write, books to sell. No fuckin point in giving energy, time, stuff to someone when it ultimately won't come back. I'm keeping my twenties from now on....walking right on by those wishing wells, thank you very much. It's 2005....I ain't got time for reruns from 2000.

I'm sad as fuck, I ain't gonna lie, lol. And I don't know where I'm going from here with HIM. All I can do is guard my heart from now on....more than ever before.

You know I don't want to be without you...but if you were me, what would you do?

Posted by Rashid on January 20, 2005 at 11:03 PM

I think it's time....

I wrote this early in the morning on December 24, 2004. It's time to share it:

In my heart, there is a sinking feeling that the conversation is about to happen.

“Rashid, I got your package…we need to talk. I think what you are feeling for me is different from what I feel for you. Maybe we should slow down…just be friends.”

That is both my greatest fear and my only reality. It’s a recurring nightmare that only happens when I’m awake.

It’s tough…sad…ironic, I guess. We’re always told to be ourselves, but for me, being myself has either tuned men off or frightened them away. Or maybe both, who knows?

I have been trying to convince myself that I am trippin’, that I am being insecure because of my past experiences, that HE IS NOT THEM. “If I am myself,” I think, “then he’ll like me, care about me, need me, want me in his life.”

I shouldn’t worry – I am tight, I am together, I write books and shit – but I do worry.

When I was a senior in college, I met a guy from BlackPlanet who was a Senior at Cornell. I thought this guy was GREAT. Dreads down his back, handsome, smart. We talked a lot. Not every day – neither of us had cell phones. We spoke over a few months until we finally decided that I would take the bus to Ithaca to visit him. You know it was crucial if I skipped my senior Homecoming to meet him.

When I got there, day was night and he wasn’t the person I thought he was. Physically, he was the same. Emotionally, he was straight up demonic in how he treated me. I wasn’t feeling well the first night, having been on the road a lot longer than I anticipated. I thought he and I could stay in. This nigga goes out without me and comes back drunk and high. Next day, he tells me he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore.

I can’t believe how much I still remember. He lay in his bed and couldn’t even face me as he told me that I wasn’t all that he thought I was.

That second night he went out and didn’t come back at all, not even to put me back on the bus. I had more quality time with dude’s roommate. (Who, coincidentally, knew some other Georgetown folks from Inroads.)

It seems like I cried all the way from Ithaca to New York City, numb by the time I made it to the Port Authority, an hour late because of an accident our bus had right outside of the Lincoln (or Holland?) Tunnel. When I got back to DC, I barely talked to anyone. I was so angry at myself for falling for someone who had the capacity to treat me so bad. Mad at myself for going all the way to Ithaca to meet someone from the internet. Just mad.

I mean, the shit was reciprocal until we met face to face. To this day, I can only speculate as to what was going on in his mind. Maybe he was repulsed by me in some way – my body is not one of an athlete and I’ve always needed to work out more, tone up a bit.

Or maybe he was expecting more. Fireworks. Magic.

I don’t know. I’ll never know. To make the situation worse, he decided to stop speaking to me entirely. He never once gave me a reason why. After I thought the smoke had settled, months later I emailed him. He asked me not to contact him again.

That was over four years ago now. Am I over the situation? Good God, yes. I don’t want that boy! Who wants a fuck up? I don’t miss (or remember, for that matter) how he made me feel. I don’t miss the poetry or his soft, kind words. They’ve been replaced by the sour memories who he really is. That’s permanent.

Yes, I am over the situation, but I acknowledge it as a starting point. It was the first time that I had strong feelings for someone (and it was reciprocated at first!) and that’s how I got treated.

I used my experience with him to learn, grow, and not make the same mistakes. I became better at reading people, or so I thought. Hell, that experience even brought me closer to my mom.

Thing is, just because I had one fucked up experience doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have more. Although I learned lessons, it doesn’t mean that what happened to me was my fault. Some things you just can’t predict.

So at 3:15am, these are the things I think about, even writing it out in long hand in case I talk myself out of posting it to my blog.

I sit here watching/listening to “Sign O the Times” and wondering why he hasn’t called me back.

I try so hard to be logical when it comes to him. I try to look at his actions and let them speak on his behalf. BECAUSE I AM INSECURE! I know that he is not them. I tell myself that damn near every day. I’ve met him at an entirely different point in my life. I am mature, focused, seasoned, driven. I’ve written two books and I’m about to publish one. I’ve written hundreds of poems, I’ve got a website, and I’m finna blow up! I am trusting, but cautious; loving, but temperate; as open and honest about my feelings as I ever was, if not more.

Which is where everything usually falls apart…

Not too long after the Cornell situation came and went, I found myself in another situation that was even more passionate and with a further distance. He’s my friend.

Our dance lasted for months, then years, with periods of bitter silence, then months of magic. I love him. But I promised myself I’d never love him again, especially since he never loved me in the same way.

Hold up. How in the hell did I find myself in that situation? Didn’t I learn before?

Well, this was different. This guy…my friend…we have a mutual friend. That’s really how we met. None of this BlackPlanet “I’ve never met you but I’m in love with you” bullshit. It’s so much different when you’ve “known” the person through your friends for years.

Didn’t make the situation less fucked up though.

Since my hand is cramping – and out of respect for my friend – I’ll summarize the whole sordid affair this way:

Everyone who loves you isn’t good for you. Some people who think they love you can’t, not in the way you really need to be loved. And they might just REALLY love you, but you’ve got to see the signs. Listen with your heart and your mind. If you can’t accept everything about the one you love, you’ve got to let them go! Expecting them to change for YOU is foolish and toxic to your relationship.

I loved him, but I should have run.

I’ve learned, though, a lot. I was hurt deeply and lastingly by actions and inactions, but I also recognize my own culpability in the situation. I wanted things to exist that weren’t there – he behaved as though something was there, when there wasn’t. A bad combination indeed. He and I both created reciprocity where there was none, if you can understand that. I liked being loved, he liked loving, but the motives were wrong.

Wow…did I just admit that I was wrong about something?

I love him. I’ve spoken to him every day since we first met. His voice comforts me. I like him. I think he’s smart and witty as well as very handsome. I like that fact that he wants everything “just so” – a bit of a perfectionist. I admire his independence. He is devoted to his friends. What’s more, though, is that I DON’T like everything about him – that’s how I know I love him! I think he’s a picky eater! He’s a little curt sometimes! And dammit, why must he have so many friends?! I haven’t created some utopia around him…if we were to get together, seriously, commit and all that, it wouldn’t always be good times. There would be battles. But I’m proud of myself for not recreating him as a demigod.

I accept these idiosyncrasies because they are part of who he is. I don’t expect him to like Indian food just because I do. I don’t expect him to be Mr. Nice Guy just because I am Mr. Sensitivity. And I wouldn’t dare expect or demand that he lose a few friends. I like him BECAUSE of all those things. And I hope he likes me for me, because I’ve shown him nothing but that.

The problem is that he knows I love him. ARGH! Now what would I want to go and tell him that?

But I do. I do! Not on some old “in love” bullshit, I don’t even know if I believe in that. But do I love him? I look at my actions. I listen to my thoughts. Yes, yes I do. I would not behave in the way I do if I wasn’t loving him.

Since my greatest insecurity is rejection, and my heart is now on my sleeve, my fears are dictating that it’s only a matter of time before he says “Hold up partner…” and tells me he’s not feeling me like THAT.

I KNOW he’s not THEM. But THEY were all different from each other, too.

Are they all THEM?

Either I am really tired or that was pretty damn deep.

So, for now, I wait. I trip. I talk to him, then I wait some more. Either I will be told that I’m not being felt all like THAT, or something else.

And considering the former is all I know, I can’t even tell you what the “something else” could be…

Posted by Rashid on at 7:22 AM

eh

It's like.....throwing a twenty into a wishing well and expecting change back.....

Posted by Rashid on January 19, 2005 at 6:36 AM

The Cover

Posted by Rashid on January 18, 2005 at 6:15 AM | Comments (4)

Wonderful by Annie Lennox (From the Bare album)

I wanna have you
'Cause you're all I've got
Don't wanna lose you
'Cause it means a lot
All the joy this world can bring
Doesn't give me anything
When you're not here ...

Idiot me
Stupid fool
How could you be
So uncool?
To fall in love with someone who
Doesn't really care for you
It's so obscure...

But I feel...
Wonderful
Yes I feel...
Wonderful

Got it makes me be so blue
Everytime I think about you
All of the heat of my desire
Smokin' like some crazy fire
Come on here
Look at me
Where I stand
Can't you see my heart burnin'
In my hands?
Do you want me?
Do you not?
Does it feel cold baby?
Does it feel hot?

I wanna hold you
And be so held back
Don't wanna need you
But it's where I'm at
Thinkin' bout you every day
How come I was made that way?
It's so surreal...

But I feel... wonderful
Yes I feel ... wonderful

Posted by Rashid on January 17, 2005 at 2:57 PM

weird

1) I am waiting on my cover. It is supposed to be ready today.

2) I've been productive on the novel. Yay.

3) Pre-orders are slow. Please support! Tell a friend!

4) Everything else is pretty much all fucked up.....

Posted by Rashid on at 9:35 AM

My Famous Blogger Twin

Your Famous Blogger Twin is Wil Wheaton

You're a friendly, funny guy next door With more than a touch of geekiness

Posted by Rashid on January 14, 2005 at 8:14 PM | Comments (0)

I don't know what to make of it

You know how you have a dream but you don't remember it until later on in the day? It almost feels like you didn't have a dream, but something left an impression on you? I've had some kind of dream about him twice this week, but I can't remember ANYTHING about the dream. It's just like all of a sudden while walking to work or eating lunch, I remember.

It's weird.

Posted by Rashid on at 7:34 AM

I Need Your Pre-Orders!

Haven't updated on the book in a while....

Well, the pre-sale began on January 1. I think I have respectable pre-orders considering the cover isn't ready yet. But I'm really waiting on friends, family, alumni, and co-workers to come through for me. Okay, so that's everybody, LOL.

I haven't rolled out the incentives yet, because at this point, I can't afford any, LOL. But everyone who pre-orders WILL receive something. I know for sure that I will be releasing ALIVE, my first chapbook of poetry, exclusively to those people who ordered LAZARUS. Just haven't put it in my advertising yet. That's one thing I'll be using this long weekend for.

Once the cover gets ready (SHOULD be ready on the 17th) I will be able to move forward on LAZARUS T-SHIRTS!!!!! I definitely want to use those as incentives, but again, can't do that if the cover isn't ready.

I have a feeling that once the cover is done, people will see that this whole project is really real, for real for real, and will be more inclined to pre-order. This sale MUST be a success for me to break even -- that's why I'm trying to appeal to people's sense of wanting to help out a starving artist.

My co-workers are buzzing about it and seem excited for me.

I'm going back to my old high school either this afternoon or tomorrow during the day to drop off fliers promoting the novel. I didn't take most of those teachers, but man may want to support an alumnus anyway.

I have so many emails to return -- bookstores and book reviewers have been contacting ME! That's crazy, yo. Never in a million years would I think that people who I don't know would contact me wanting to sell or write a review of my novel. I'm feeling good!

I also can't wait for my first review to drop....it is a WONDERFUL review! But don't worry, you all will see it soon.

To Do: I really, really need somebody to take my picture for promotional reasons. I need to email Phil, I guess.

Also this weekend -- need to make finishing touches in PageMaker. I want to have EVERYTHING done that I can possibly do right now when it comes to production.

Okay, I just took an Allegra....nose is all runny and ish right now.

I need to make a few touches on the site this morning, so this will be all for now.

PEACE!

Posted by Rashid on January 13, 2005 at 6:08 AM | Comments (0)

Too sleepy to be entertained!

Dudes, I have been too sleepy to watch TV! I'm getting up earlier and earlier in the morning, too. Why was I up at 5am this morning? Crazy. I was so sleepy last night, I was falling asleep at the computer. Luckily I can keep up with all my shows on the internet.

Posted by Rashid on at 6:06 AM | Comments (1)

Allergies, or something

This freakin post nasal drip is actin up again! But luckily, the little cough starts early enough in the morning where an allegra clears it right up.

God bless allegra.

My biggest fear is getting sick and losing my job! It's happened before.

Sidenote: It's really cold in this camp.

Posted by Rashid on January 11, 2005 at 6:59 AM | Comments (0)

Dammit!

Dammit, as soon as I decided I can't talk about it, some juicy stuff happens at work.

All I will say is.....if you are familiar with Miss Ciel from Women of Brewster Place and Lynne Thigpen's character from Lean on Me, then you feel me!

Posted by Rashid on at 6:41 AM | Comments (1)

'tis I.....

Well, my lesson plans are about 45 percent done. I've had very little motivation, both last night and even this morning. I just feel really tired for some reason.

I guess it was a draining week last week, eh?

At least I won't be working on Friday. I've got some important appointments that day that I've had for a long time.

Anyway.....I hope everyone has a good day today. It's going to be a long one for me -- I'm having a meeting with all the parents plus the principal tonight at 6pm. Nothing bad....just a getting to know Mr. Darden type thing.

Posted by Rashid on January 10, 2005 at 6:55 AM | Comments (0)

Man.....

I don't feel like doing SHIT right about now.

I guess part of it is that I don't feel like making lesson plans, because that means I'll have to think about work this week.

blah

You know what? I'll do the lesson plans in the morning. I wake up a full two hours before I leave the house, and THAT's to be at work half an hour early!

THERE. I feel better now.

Posted by Rashid on January 9, 2005 at 7:45 PM | Comments (0)

Which Office Moron Are You?

Which Office Moron Are You?
Rum and Monkey: jamming your photocopier one tray at a time.

You've been here since the dawn of time itself, old timer, and you've been biding your time with your eye on the boss's job.

You deserved to have a promotion. You've been here longer than anyone else. Your fingers have become craggy, and you see Excel spreadsheets when you go to sleep at night. More than half your life has been spent at budget meetings, advertising liason sessions, team-building seminars and pub lunches with people you hate. Yet for some reason you've been passed over every time in favour of younger, less competent workers.

No more. You're at the end of your tether. Where's your gold watch? Where's your acknowledgement? Your raises? When does your time come around?

Your time is now, hombre.

Posted by Rashid on January 7, 2005 at 5:51 PM | Comments (0)

The Weekend

Well my weekend is shot to hell because I had to pay the student loan people. ugh. I think I am behind in another loan, too. All my other bills are current though.

The check I will get this week will be small. So again, the weekend is shot. I only get paid for days I work, and we just had winter break.

Not that I made any plans....I know my mom wants me to buy some new shoes for work, so I might do that tomorrow. I don't really like shoe shopping though. Do I really like shopping at all?

I know my friend wanted me to go to H20 tonight, but considering I've already been up since 5:30, I am pretty sure I am going to be knocked out and not feeling like doing anything tonight.

Though I might watch Kill Bill again. That joint was vicious.

And I alwats have planning to do for Lazarus, which I really hope you all will preorder!

I've been getting good advice about the book as I go. Some things you can't put in a book, since the journey is yours alone as a self-published author.

Anyway....I guess I should shower now. If I can't squeeze out another entry before I leave, I hope all of you who read this have a great day!

Posted by Rashid on at 6:47 AM | Comments (0)

Withdrawal like a mofo!

Although it's probably temporary, I'm going through some serious HIM withdrawal this morning! I mean damn! Who knew that not talking to him for one day would hit me like this?

So yesterday morning, things were cool. Woke up, did my thing. Nothing special. On a normal day, might have sent him a "have a good day" text message. On an even better day, I might have called him as he was on the train headed to work. But not yesterday. It wasn't like a big internal battle, just more like "Today is the first day I'm giving HIM time for ... him..." LOL

Since all the bad stuff had been lifted off my heart the night before, I was able to proceed throughout my day pretty well. None of the feeling mad/sad/confused/disappointed. I think one time in the afternoon, I may have thought of him and smiled, spontaneously. One of my kids caught me smiling, and she smiled back. That was kind of weird, but fun...me thinking of him made someone else smile.

Wow, that's kind of profound...and it's making me a little verklempt right now.... Okay...whew, that's better.

I really, really wanted to get home in enough time to log onto AIM and say hi to him. I didn't want him to think I was being MEAN and had blocked him off of AIM. I mean, I don't THINK he'd think that, but then again maybe he did. I might. Would I? I don't know.

See how neurotic I am? Welcome to my daily existence.

So since I didn't get home until after he got off work, missing him on AIM, I felt a little disappointed, but thought it was for the best. Gotta give him his own time to work things out without interference.

Continued with my day, chatted a lot, returned a lot of emails, got a posting in my guestbook from a homophobe, and watched some MTV. By the end of my evening, I was tempted to send him a text message, but it was late, and AGAIN, wanted to give space.

I slept well....I was kinda cold, but it was a good night.

But NOW? Got damn I want to talk to him....not for any particular reason, not for any declaration of love, not to even ask "do you miss me." I'm just USED to talking to him....it's weird not calling or receiving his call.

I like him. I don't really want to be without him.

I hope I get home earlier today.

Posted by Rashid on at 5:53 AM

Less Teaching Entries

Hey folks....just wanted to put everyone on notice that I think it would be a good idea if I spoke about teaching a little less. My promotional circle has been broadening. I don't mind the coworkers reading the diary AT ALL. It's more like the parents....sickos. LOL j/k

One thing that was cool...the art teacher told her sixth grade class about cooperation and collaboration in the arts. She used me as an example! She said "Mr. Darden wrote a book; his friend designed the cover." (That's what she told me, at least.) And I thought that was cool, although a little scary. Shoooooot them lil bamas don't need to know the content, lol.

My coworkers seem to be pretty happy for me and supportive. That's so awesome. It's like the finally see ME and everything I'm trying to do.

Oh yeah, another reason I will be cutting down on the teaching entries is because this shit is STRESSFUL and my kids are CRAZY. So, I don't want to betray the little psycho's confidentiality and shit.

Ugh, I so don't feel like it today.

Posted by Rashid on January 6, 2005 at 6:57 AM | Comments (1)

Out of My Hands

Well, I had a good night's sleep. I was ACTUALLY tired before I went to bed, so I knew it would be a decent night.

We spoke. Apologies were had. Questions were asked. Where are we going? What do you need?

Space was given, time was given....

And now it's out of my hands....I'm going to keep doing what I need to do regardless. If it's meant to be, it will be. I care. I love. But I realize that things need to be....yoked equally? Did I even use that correctly...probably not....

Even though this is a ....I don't know, break? Hiatus? Sabbatical? I don't feel bad....I mean yes, the journey is his, the power (so to speak) is in his hands to decide what he wants. I know that he doesn't live for hurting me...so in a way, even if he tells me what "we" are won't work...well, it will suck ass! But I know it won't have been for lack of trying.

Make sense? Hope so. I don't play games with people, never have, never will. I feel cool with how I interact with people on this level. No regrets, no regrets.

*sigh*

Posted by Rashid on at 6:48 AM

Random 12

Crossroad [Original Mix], Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Criminal, Eminem
Right On [Radio Edit], TQ
I Swear, All-4-One
I Care 4 U, Aaliyah
Calling All Girls, ATL
My Love Is The Shhh!, SFP (Something For the People) feat Trina & Tamara
The Hulk Dont Do It, Grandmaster Flash vs. The Hulk Theme
Giants In The Sky, Into the Woods Original Cast Recording
Hey Papi, Jay-Z ft Amil
John Henry, The London Symphony Orchestra (from the He Got Game sountrack)
Dance With You, David Bowie vs Michael Jackson vs Chaka Khan

Posted by Rashid on January 5, 2005 at 5:35 PM | Comments (0)

argh

Another sleepless night.....maybe too much on my mind, maybe my bed is too hard, maybe it's too stuffy. Odd, because my allergy medicine usually makes me sleepy.

He didn't call me. Should I assume another calamity has befallen him, or should I assume he's being spiteful?

I saw a side I hadn't seen before, but perhaps I knew it was there.

I don't know....I just want to talk about it and move on.

I just don't understand how I could be SO misunderstood after all that I've said and done.

Posted by Rashid on at 5:52 AM | Comments (0)

eh

I kinda had a bad day.

I had the angry/sad/disappointed/confused feeling all day long.

Posted by Rashid on January 4, 2005 at 5:10 PM | Comments (0)

Hey Mr. Darden....you look good today!

But Mr. Darden looks good EVERY day!

Well, I did everything I said I would!

Got up at 6am, did my thing checking emails, doing some promoting, etc. Took my shower, got all spiffy and shit.

Sidenote: GOT DAMN MARION BARRY'S SON LOOK GOOD! I swear, it's that Effie in him, cuz Marion don't look like nothing but a black Darwin nowadays.

So yeah, I went to work in the nacy blue suit, blue shirt, red tie, black tenchcoat, talking to HIM on the way. I told him walking through my neighborhood must sound like I live on Sesame Street.....I mean, I don't think it's all THAT welcoming a place, but I like to say hi to everyone on the street. It's up to me to make this neighborhood more welcoming....but I digress.

It was a brief phone call. He was still on the train when I got to school. Of course every damn body was like "Oooooooh Mr. Darden, you look niiiiiiicccceeee...." And I'm all thank you and shit, and then of course everybody is like "So where you going after work?" LOL

It's funny how people just KNOW I can't be dressed up for work, lol. But I told everybody hey, it's 2005, I gotta step the game up! Let these fourth graders KNOW that Mr. Darden is about bidness, dammit!

I had to make an example of this lil boy first thing in the morning....he was the victim of my second strike. First strike, verbal warning -- second strike, your ass is going to write me a four paragraph essay about WHAT you did, WHY you did it, HOW it affected others, and HOW you plan to change.

Lil boy ain't like that too much. But hey, feel the wrath!!!!

Another girl lost her recess and had to do the same thing.

A THIRD girl got the THIRD STRIKE! She acted like she didn't want to write her essay, so I said OH YEAH? And I wrote her up something GOOD. Sent a note to the office, then sent her. Later, the principal came to the room and gave a brief lecture about CHANGE. I appreciated that. I think he got the note and was like OH LAWD LEMME STOP THIS FORE MR DARDEN SEND THE WHOLE CLASS DOWN. I think his speech did some good.

All in all, it wasn't a bad day! It wasn't easy, but I kept the kids adequately engaged and properly disciplined.

And at 3:30pm, I was out, cuz I AIN'T GOT TIME!!!!

:-D

Posted by Rashid on January 3, 2005 at 5:25 PM | Comments (3)

What 2004 hit song are you?

Milkshake by Kelis

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like, it's better than yours Damn right it's better than yours I could teach you But I have to charge" You can work it! And you started a new trend or two in 2004!

YO this was so freaking true!!!!!!

Posted by Rashid on at 4:45 PM | Comments (0)

My Declining Entertainment & Pop Culture

So.....as you all know, time is of the essence for me nowadays. I will be getting up at like 6am every morning to get on the computer for like an hour, manage some sales, return emails, blog, promote a little bit....and also just destressing a bit, I suppose. I need that quiet time first thing in the morning for ME.

I also need a little more time to make sure my clothes are all ironed and whatnot, maybe make some last minute plans for my classes, whatever. Showever, shave, get cute -- lol.

Since The Wire went off, and it seems like my other shows might be in hiatus, I decided to stop recording everything, even Days of Our Lives and the first half hour of The Young & the Restless. Watching these shows takes a lot of time out of my day -- time that I don't have these days. When I come home from work, I NEED to be taking a nap, but I know that won't happen. But I do need that crucial 4pm to 5pm time free to make whatever calls and run whatever errands I need to run during business hours.

Sucks, but an hour is all I got after school -- maybe a little more if I get a ride someplace RIGHT after school lets out.

Time....

I need time to talk to HIM. I like talking to him every day....I look forward to it. He makes me feel good. The kind of "feel good" that you want to fall asleep next to at night, wake up once or twice in the middle of the night and just stare at, and finally wake up next to in the morning.

Can you tell I really like HIM? That's why I like to make sure I am DONE what I need to do so that talking to him can be the last thing I do every day.

I'm such a bama, LOL.

Anyway, this was supposed to be an entertainment thread, but I see I'm going to have to cross-list it.

Posted by Rashid on January 2, 2005 at 7:39 PM | Comments (0)

It's A New Year!

Happy New Year! Sorry I didn't get to update yesteday -- you wouldn't believe just how busy I've been with LAZARUS! In addition to all the promoting I've been doing, I've also been learning how to use PageMaker. Hey, I don't call it "By Yo Damn Self Publishing" for nothing -- typesetting my novel on my own saves BEAUCOUP ducats.

I've also been getting some things ready for my new teaching assignment. I am sure I've mentioned it, but I will be in a fourth grade class from January through April! Possibly May! On one hand, I am so blessed to be working for that long. On the other hand, not only will I miss the little anklebiters in the primary grades, but I will miss the fluidity of short term work. Let's face it, short term work is easier, especially when the teachers already know the sub.

I've been thinking of ways to tighten my discipline and behavior modification plan. One thing that will help me out is STICKING TO WHAT I SAY. Kids can sense when you won't follow through on a punishment or loss of privileges. Now, I generally do follow through, but sometimes it's tough when you only have a class for half a day and they sneak and go to recess EVEN when you told them not to.

I'll have a three strikes rule. I'm not raising my voice to or arguing with those kids. I AIN'T GOT TIME. Verbal warning, send to another teacher, send to principal. PERIOD. When I send them to another teacher, they'll write a three-part essay before they can come back: WHAT they did to break the rules, WHY they broke the rules, and HOW they will change their behavior. I'll keep the essays, photocopy them, send them home to whomever, and keep a copy.

See, these kids don't know about DOCUMENTATION and COMMUNICATION yet.

I sound like I'm going to war, and I hate to make them sound like criminals, but I must admit that I DO NOT LIKE the attitudes of intermediate grades. UGH. We have a few in my class that I already know I will have problems with. And no, I am not trying to have a negative attitude -- I've subbed for this class before. I know how they can be.

I just picked out all my oufits for the week. I decided to start dressing professionally to go to work -- buttoned shirts, ties, blazers, suits, etc. I don't WANT to, but I decided that I'm going to enforce the uniform policy. And you KNOW the first thing a kid will do is question why I get to wear jeans but they have to wear the uniform.

We'll see how long it lasts....it can't hurt to dress up, can it? I do know that I need a few new pair of shoes. I only have one pair of dress shoes that my mom is convinced I have had for eight years. Maybe that will be the plan for this weekend.

****

So, it's a new year. New year, new catch phrase. It will probably be forgotten by February, but here it goes anyway:

"You got to step up the game in 2005."

and

"I ain't got TIME."

I don't know exactly where I picked up the first catch phrase, but I can apply it to EVERY aspect of my life. And get this -- it's not a self-affirmation. It's for everybody else! I have taken control of my life and my self-esteem is pretty high right now. I'm publishing one book this year, I've written another that's in the queue so to speak, and in a nutshell, I'm about to blow up. That means you can't half-step when it comes to me! Romance, friendships, professionally....none of that! You have to step up your game in 2005 if you want to be part of this world, this life.....

Cuz I ain't got TIME! Now, I stole this saying from one of my co-workers, but it's the perfect continuation of stepping up the game. Why? Cuz I ain't got time for foolishness, games, procrastination, none of that. It's 2005 and I have stepped up MY game -- no repeats of past mistakes. I expect nothing less from people around me. NONE of us should have time for bullshit!

I look back on 2004, and 2003 for that matter, and I see a lot of time wasted.

I dated this one dude for about six weeks last winter. (January/February? I remember there was snow on the ground.) And yeah, he was a handsome dude, college grad. We were alike in SO MANY WAYS. Thing were so perfect for a while -- vibed with him so well.

But at the end of those six weeks....well, let me go ahead and put it all out there....

So, Valentine's Day hits, and this dude offers to cook me dinner at his crib, which is located in S***** C**** (all the DC folks collective gasp...NOW). So I am like wow, a Valentine's Day dinner, that's neat, this must be SPECIAL. I made him some CDs, we listened to them, I gave him a card, I spent the night.

I should have known there was a problem when, the next morning, he thought that playing Super Mario Brothers (yes, #1, on the 8-bit NES) was a good idea. Not just playing it, but BEATING it. Granted, it took only 20 minutes, but I am just sitting here, all my clothes on, kinda ready to go home, watching this nigga play video games in his draws, looking all bright-eyed like a kid on Christmas morn'.

In another lifetime, it may have been cute.

The next week, the nigga stops calling me! Stops returning emails....it's like i KNEW something was up, but I didn't know what, and he didn't tell me.

I seem to remember him telling me he needed to think about some "things" before we talked again...and I let him think for a bit, then I left him a message saying that time for thinking was over, time to talk has begun. But he STILL didn't call me back!

(It might sound like I was trippin, but he and I used to at least email every day.)

So, that Friday morning of the sixth week, this nigga calls me all huffs and puffs like I did something wrong. I called him back like yo, what's the deal? And he's like "Where were you this morning?" like I'm his SON or some shit. "And I was like....ummm....home asleep, then in the shower...."

WHY DID THIS NIGGA accuse me of going down to GHETTO ASS S***** C**** to buzz his door then run away?

DUDE. I do NOT fuck with S***** C**** at all, much less first thing in the morning! With no car! How do I look?

So needless to say, I was highly offended. I was like um, what the hell do I look like going to YOUR door and buzzing you and THEN running away on some fatal attraction bullshit?

And he said that the "tone" of my voice mails to him made it seem like I might do that.

Getthefuckoutofherewiththatbulllllshit yo!

Anyway, there is more, but I don't want to out the poor boy. In a nutshell, I wasted six weeks of my life on a paranoid schizophrenic (probably) who was SO AFRAID that I would out him, SO AFRAID that I would somehow mess up his professional life or fraternal aspirations....

Anyway, that's six weeks I want back, dammit!

2004 was about cutting loose people like that.....2004 was about recognizing the signs....2004 was about doing what I needed to do. I came a LONG long way in 2004. I know I'm not perfect, but I am maybe 90 percent there.

2005 will be about reaching that final ten percent for ME...and then holding everyone else to a high standard. STEP UP THE GAME!

I AIN'T GOT TIME!!!!!

Posted by Rashid on at 8:25 AM | Comments (0)

Pre-Orders have Begun!!!!!

Guess what? My debut novel Lazarus is available for pre-order, a month ahead of schedule!

Please click here to pre-order: http://thebook.oldgoldsoul.com/order.html

Publishing a novel on my own has been a challenging, yet rewarding experience. I have learned how to be my own publisher, agent, and publicist all in one. However, such an undertaking has not been accomplished alone. I’ve had great editors, web designers, and a cover designer who will blow you away. In two weeks, the cover of Lazarus will be unveiled!

Pre-ordering Lazarus is extremely important. Sure, order it because it will be the best novel you read in 2005. And yes, order it because you like to read, especially African American literature. But also, please know that by supporting this novel, you are investing in a young artist’s career.

Please consider pre-ordering a copy of Lazarus for yourself, friends, or family. Discounts are available for group orders as well. Wouldn’t it be great if Lazarus sold out before the official publication date of March 31?

Thanks in advance!

Posted by Rashid on at 8:21 AM | Comments (0)