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Always the afterthought, never the bride

I apologized to a friend that I had a falling out with and hadn't spoken to since 2003. Didn't do any good though -- she didn't accept my apology or even really say anything in response other than "What prompted that?" I am like damn bitch, does anything "prompt" an apology other than the fact you feel sorry?

But whatever....I did all I could do to rectify the situation. I guess that's what I get for not really believing in my heart that I was wrong.

What actually happened....she and I had a falling out over some of our responsibilities for Maya's memorial service that we had at Homecoming '03. (A prime example of why you don't work with your friends.) It's pretty sad that we fell out over something positive we were trying to do to remember a friend, but at the time I was like fuck this, I can't believe she's.....etc, etc.

I didn't rally hold a grudge against this chick, but I also never really felt any good reason to be her friend again. I still don't, really -- there were plenty other reasons she annoyed me. But I have this habit of not wanting people to think I hate them if I actually don't. I guess it's a bit arrogant of me, but whatever...it's important that people I care or once cared about know how I feel about them.

I don't hate her and I felt bad about the way we separated. That's all. I didn't expect anything to come of the apology -- but I also didn't expect "nothing."

*****

He wrote in his blog about having instant connections with other people. I imagined that this may have been what he felt when he met me, but I knew the blog entry wasn't about me.

It's tough when you know someone is slipping away and there's nothing you can do about it. Some people have the ability to sense instant connections with people they know they will grow to love in some way.....for me, along with this gift comes the inevitability of separation.

Nothing lasts in my world.

Don't be sad for me, you jerks. Just buy the book. If you bought one, buy another.

This is my reality, though. I'm destined to have lots of friends, but when it comes to more, there just isn't anyone out there who is really the one for me -- no one who encompasses all that I need. And when you think you've found it, it gets fucked up.

Inevitably.

Yes I'm depressed you fuckers, lol. Sometimes I get tired of having friends. I want someone in my life who will say "Yes, Rashid, I want to be with you -- wholeheartedly and unequivocally."

I can only take so much of being the afterthought.

Posted by Rashid on March 4, 2005 6:53 AM