Descent Into Madness...or something like it.
I'm "here" I guess.
I have been incredibly depressed lately, sometimes very sad and sometimes extremely irritable to the point of anger. My concentration has been shot -- I can't seem to focus on my tasks. To combat this, I took (and am still taking) a hiatus from blogging and being on instant messenger. Those of you who know the screen name(s) know that I basically am logged into IM any time that I am writing or researching or doing whatever I need to do when it comes to "business."
I'm losing my appetite (sometimes). But again, this irritability is crazy. I opened a carbonated drink yesterday and it exploded all over me. I damn near blew a gasket -- cussing and wanting to throw my fist through a window.
My temper is short. I had a confrontation with someone before the fourth. Now this, I don't regret, but I was very surprised to find that when I get REALLY angry, my ears burn.
So much has been going on that I really didn't know WHAT my problem was. Depression is nothing new to me but it can usually be pinpointed to something.....
I don't profess to know all the answers, but I have a good idea:
How about life itself is just really fucking hard?
That said, I think the stress of self-publishing and the realization that sales have stalled has gotten the better of me. I've come to a point in my promotional campaign where pressure is mounting on all sides. Sales are very slow and I don't have the resources to go to all the Prides that are happening this summer. I'm hesitant to launch another email/message board campaign to sell the book -- folks already think I'm a spammer.
So my only viable venue (until Atlanta during Labor Day weekend) is to get Lazarus into bookstores. Not a bad idea, considering lots of people know about the novel and are talking about it. (Do a search for +"Lazarus"+"Rashid Darden" on Google and you'll see.)
Now, the problem is that I am one person and bookstores are in the hundreds (for specialty stores) and thousands (for national chains). It would be GREAT if I could get a distributor. A distributor would get my books into stores on my behalf.
About two and a half weeks ago, I sent packages to four distributors who I felt would do Lazarus justice. Three specialized in African American books, one specialized in gay books. I've heard back from one so far. On paper, these guys seem great, but I am hesitant because of things I've heard from other authors about slow and non-existent payments. I followed-up with the other three today. Hopefully they'll call back.
Lambda Rising Bookstore in DC picked up Lazarus! I neglected to share that tidbit of information. The people at Lambda Rising have been absolutely great to me. It's a bookstore that I love visiting and I'm just tickled pink that a places I used to go to in secret when I was in high school now carries MY book! Yay Lambda Rising!
Lazarus is also being sold on Amazon.com. I didn't like how they would order like one or two books at a time -- that's wasted shipping costs on my part. But now they are ordering more, so it's not so bad. My ranking is horrible (lol) but I don't really focus on that part too much.
Now is as good a time as any to mention that I had a wonderful Fourth of July with my friend and frat brother. Rather than recount the entire day, please read his account of the day.
I was getting REALLY concerned these past few days about Project #3. I was having a hard time focusing, concentrating, and just getting the damn thing started. NOW, finally, as of this morning, I am feeling a lot more confident about it. Something broke and now I am in the groove. It's very difficult to describe, but now that I am "in the groove" it will be hard for me to NOT be in the groove. So as soon as I finish this entry, I think I will be able to write a few more pages.
I've been slightly paranoid when it comes to my "love life" or what may be perceived as my love life. I am single and happy to be that way for now. What worries me is the perceptions of the relationships that I do have. The blogosphere talks...that unnerves me. I don't like it. But, as my friend Storme told me, I run a tight ship so there's nothing to worry about. Communication is my strong point.
But speaking of blogs, some of them just plain piss me off. And having a lower tolerance for bullshit in the past week hasn't helped that. But, people will be people. That's all I have to say about that.
I am accepting donations for the "Send a Nigga to Fire and Ink" fund. Feel free to pay my registration and plane fare, LOL. Hey, like one of my prophytes once said, YOU GOTTA ASK! :-D
I am looking forward to my upcoming appearances. I won't be posting them until I am absolutely sure everything is paid up, though.
A long time ago, I promised that I would discuss how I would feel if I was approached about getting signed to a major publishing house. At the time, I wasn't sure if I would "sell out" or not. I mean, I LOVE the autonomy and creative freedom. But you know what?
Self-publishing is for the birds. I want a contract, dammit.
He he. It's not so much that I CAN'T do it, it's that I'm trying to do it with very little resources. If I were a couple of grand richer, it would be all good. But I'm not, so I just try to make a way as best I can. Soon (and very soon) I will take another stab at securing an agent. Right now, this doesn't change any plans I have for Lazarus or Covenant.
This entry is long as hell and I'm okay with that. But I think it's mostly over.
All in all, I am having a much better day today than I have in a while (not including July 4, which was great in itself). Hopefully this is a positive trend, but I am prepared for the downs as well.
Keep me in your prayers as I continue writing Project #3.
Posted by Rashid on July 7, 2005 2:13 PM
Comments
Wow! Now this was one helluva comeback entry. Let it out bruh and then do your groove thing. Thanks for the reference to my blog about our fourth. Since your creative juices are flowing, make us all proud with yo bad self.
Peace and '06
Commented by fratman1906 on July 8, 2005 2:24 PM
Man, don't let the "blogosphere" get you down like that. Folks gonna talk about you whether they know you or not, or like you or not. Just keep your head up man and keep on steppin! Sooner or later the same folks talkin about you will come runnin to you once they see how successful you are!!! Much Luv!
Commented by Tim on July 11, 2005 10:58 AM
You are indeed an intense little man, but that's part of your charm. One benefit that you have over a lot of others is just the fact that you can see that you're out of sorts, whereas a lot of folks don't even realize it. You've got all that it takes to achieve all that you desire, so just know even when it's hard to believe in yourself, you've got plenty of other folks who believe enough for you.
Commented by Diddy on July 11, 2005 12:32 PM
You are an awesome man! Stay strong.. you have many people supporting you that you aren't aware of. I'm sure things will work out! Your in my prayers! And I'm ordering my book this week!
Commented by Dwayne Wayne on July 11, 2005 1:52 PM
You never know when you help someone. It's been a very up and down two weeks for me, and I stopped by to read what's the latest here. Believe it or not, you gave me some inspiration. Even though things may be slow with you ... at least you've written and published your book.:p So it was like a kick in the pants reading your column tonight.
Congrats on Lambda pickig up your book.
Commented by Rod on July 11, 2005 11:49 PM
I figured I add in my two cents. Hey man don't fret. As I told you we have to go through some serious sacrifices to get to the promise land. I know for a fact you will be in your brownstone in DuPont Circle and laugh about all this. If it makes you feel any better you inspire me to do more. Just keep doing what you do best and what works. From that you will see the results you need. If I was going to ATL I would help you sell your book but you know ATL Pride is a no go for me. Maybe another event? Good luck though.
Commented by No 4real4real on July 12, 2005 7:57 PM
This is such a cliche' but true to form... Keep your head up, Rashid!
Commented by Perquita on July 13, 2005 12:24 PM