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I think....

I think that I have probably gone off the deep end, for real this time. And the funny thing is that neither the work life or my life as an author are suffering. It's just everything about the personal life that's helter skelter.

When I have close friends, I have really really close friends.

All or nothing.

But break that trust and it will rarely be rebuilt. Abuse my emotions, lie to me, lie to me through yourself, be unsure of what you want, kiss me then tell me it would never work, hug me then tell me you've got to do "you."

That shit fills me with rage. Inconsolable and unrepairable, so don't try.

If I peeled off my skin like a banana or an orange could, I wonder if I'd still be sought after. If I were a mass of pink and white flesh, no tan, no hair, just a grown garbage pail kid, I wonder if anyone would even pretend to love me then.

I know what Na'im said to me last night. It's what's on the inside...the intelligence is what people are attracted to. Okay, cool. I'll give him that. But what I am saying here is that whatever it is that I have isn't quite enough.

I keep my eyes and mind open to any and all possibilities, the younger and the older, the closer and the further. Farther? The niggas and the wiggas and the sand niggas and the eucalyptus leaf niggas.

All have failed.

I am not sad. I am stating the facts, as I have time and again, and positing the theory that there is no one for me.

And no, we can't have a conversation about this -- the comments are off you suckers! MUHUHAHAHAHA! ;-)

I haven't been this open in a while now....don't really care too much anymore. I have no one to impress and my work speaks for itself.

In fact.....I am going to reopen some old posts.

Sex and Romance is once again on like popcorn.

Posted by Rashid on September 22, 2005 7:40 AM