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Million Dollar Baby and dealing with just being friends, or not

I finally saw Million Dollar Baby....it was really good! I usually don't like the films that win Academy Awards, but this one was really worth it. Plus, Anthony Mackie was in it. He was REALLY good -- and different from his role in Brother to Brother. I'm going to need him to continue acting forever.

People have been asking if I am okay. I am FINE. Romantically, nothing is there and I am cool with that.

HIM is talking to somebody. Why he felt the need to tell me that, I don't know. I don't feel like we're on that level yet where I feel like hearing about those things. I don't even really read his blog regularly. That's my new thing...NOT reading things where I know there is a high likelihood of reading something which will piss me off somehow. Maybe not now, maybe not next week, but eventually.

I asked the last dude (who never did get a codename, did he?) to remove references to me from his blog because he used my real name and had details about our date. I wasn't comfortable with that at first, but because I was flattered, I let it stand. But realizing that people could google it....I became increasingly uncomfortable. And finally, I asked him to edit it.

This little motherfucker then tells me he "philosophy" about his blog, how he doesn't keep it to go back and edit it. Stream of concsciousness and all that bullshit. And I am like I understand that....but blogs are PUBLIC. Ain't NOBODY stopping you from keeping a diary with a pen and paper. So he finally decided to edit my name out (which, since I don't go to his blog anymore, i will never know if he did). But what pissed me off the most was that he even debated it in the first place. I mean shit, isn't that a no-brainer? DON'T put my business on your blog, and if so, have the courtesy to use an alias and as little identifying information as possible.

So, I told him this, then told him that I basically couldn't deal with being his "friend." (See "No We Can't Be Cool")

It's funny how people basically say things to the one they DON'T like or want or love in order to make themselves feel better about hurting someone's feelings.

For instance, when it was quite apparent that HIM just wanted to be friends....well I told him I didn't know how to be his friend and I wasn't so sure that was what I wanted anyway. I mean....it seemed to me that being "just friends" would do more to ease his conscious than it would to ease my mental well-being. So of course, I rey to err on the side of mental well-being more than phony friendships. I mean shit, this is my life here. I don't live for other people just so they will feel better about breaking my heart.

The most recent dude wanted the same thing....and I was just like you know what, fuck it. Don't really need new friends, you know?

Plus, I really do feel like he fetishized my blackness. I really really do.

As for HIM....we're cool. I don't really know why, but we are. I don't mind him talking about his social life, but I'd rather be eased into it. Yes, I am the type of person who needs a conversation about having conversations. I need him to ask me if it's cool that we talk about our social lives with each other. I'd sorta rather not talk about mine with him. Maybe I will one day....but not today.

I'm selfish. But I have to be now.

Ahhhh....maybe one day I won't be so neurotic about these things.

Posted by Rashid on October 1, 2005 10:55 AM