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The Deaths of Him and Dwayne Wayne; the Rebirth of 'Shid

One of these days I'll recap the more literary parts of this past weekend -- which was a blast. But for now, some more important things are on my mind.

As of late, I had been resigned to my "fate" -- a prison that I created for myself in which no man would ever be able to woo me, love me, care about me, etc, the way I could ever possibly need them to. Even announcing my vow of celibacy was an extension of that. In a way, it was moreso me announcing that I'd probably never have sex again.

And the first day of my trip, all the negative feelings came back... HIM was the same old him. Doing dumb shit. Really inconsiderate shit. I visited him on Sunday night and made plans to crash there overnight and catch my flight the next morning. I was really looking forward to learning how to be his friend again. It's hard to bounce to a friendship after having strong feelings for someone for so long. And as I say often in these pages, I never felt like he gave me the space I needed to learn how to be his friend.

The kicker was that he chose this particular opportunity to mention that he had a "friend" (a "special" friend I determined after posing the question). That's fine. What's that got to do with me? That's YO business, homie. I'm here to hang out, chill, do the things we can't do as friends because of distance.

So I am okay with the friend. Taken a bit aback, because hey, we talk on instant messenger every day and on the phone at least once a week, and there was only one other time he ever mentioned a guy. (If it was THIS guy, I don't know.)

But no...it didn't stop there. This is HIM we're talking about. He got on the phone with the guy and came INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH ME while on the phone. Like, makes it a point! THEN the motherfucker says "Let me go...I'm being rude. I have GUESTSSSSSSSS."

Er?

I look around to make sure I hadn't accidentally packed one of my Kindergarteners with me, but no, it was just me. So he LIED to his new special friend about how many guests he actually had. You can fill in the blanks on your own about why he would have done that. My favorite words in this instance are "insecure" and "immature."

So then, same conversation, he tells old boy to "stay up" so he can talk to him again before he goes to sleep.

So of course, I am like riiiiiight....so you're telling the guy the same things you used to tell me, but in front of my face.

What's really going on? Why am I REALLY there?

So by this time, I am completely turned off....disrespected....NO, I don't want HIM and I wasn't spending the night at his house with any ulterior motives. Needed a place to crash and wanted to genuinely hang out as friends, talk, bond, etc. But it seems as though his intent was to show off his little friend.

And his little friend's 8x10 was so conveniently left on the coffee table.

(No...he's NOT cuter than me. But then again, friends have told me that HIM isn't a looker in the first place. C'est la vie.)

So by then, I have totally shut down. I don't feel like I have anything in common with him. I have lost respect for him. I am wondering why did I just spend like 26 bucks to get from Rittenhouse Square to HIS place when I could have stayed at Dwayne Wayne's!!! Which wasn't that far away from the airport, either.

He asked me if he could do anything else for me before I went to sleep. I gestured to the 8x10 of not-cuter-than-me dude's picture and told HIM "Yeah...take this with you."

Dead serious.

So, he took it. It wasn't in a frame or anything.

I am frustrated at this point. I cry a little. Not sobbing. Just a weep.

Then I call my friend SHIRT TALES who is familiar with the situation. We talked....and talked....well he talked, I whispered. I cried some more. But then, I got better. The most important thing he told me was:

You deserve to have your expectations met.

So profound...so much more specific than "You deserve better."

At that moment, I loved Shirt Tales. We've had conversations before and he's definitely been helpful, but he was seeing me at my darkest hour and knew the PRECISE thing to say. I didn't even know what would have consoled me, but somehow, he did.

People give me good advice all the time, and I know it's good advice, but Shirt Tales hit it dead on. At the right moment.

Before I went to bed that night, I knew that there were still good men out there in the world. I didn't have to "have" them in order to feel complete -- I AM complete. Shirt Tales is someone I feel like I would ruin if we ever got together, LOL. Not like literally, but you know...I want BETTER for him than I could ever give him. That's not meant to be self-deprecating, but to elevate him.

Before I would go to bed the following night, I would again, and very conclusively, be reminded that there were good men in the world. And maybe, just maybe, there would one day be one for me.

To be continued...

Posted by Rashid on October 19, 2005 6:59 PM