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Fresh for 06

Well, it’s a new year.

On the first day of 2006, my computer was infested with spyware.

I was nearly flooded out of my living space.

And I fell out of bed.

*le sigh*

The good news is that I wasn’t injured, the water has mostly receded, and the computer repair people will be here on Tuesday morning, although they were supposed to come today.

After a few months of really, extremely digging this one dude, things didn’t work out. Surprise, surprise.

I had a good conversation about this with my friend Desmond last night. Part of the conversation (and my entire latest man situation) made me sad. Part of it made me smile and laugh. But all in all, it made me reflect on a few things.

I really deserve to be treated with warmth, compassion, kindness…or, as Diddy said months ago, I deserve to have my expectations met.

I do have some bitterness, yes I do. I don’t know why I hope that one day, when he calls, he’ll just say “You know what, Rashid? Fuck it, let’s be together. I’m sorry.”

But you can’t expect “sorry” from people like that. I dunno, at this point it’s not as personal as it might have been a year ago, or five years ago.

I’m not trying to start off my new year on a sour note, just an honest one. Y’all know how I do.

I did learn one thing, though. And it’s not just advice for myself, because in general, I really am not feeling the long-distance thing. But if you are someone who believes in it, here is the advice:

Be prepared to maintain a certain level of intensity for the duration of the relationship. People who date other people in the same city get to see each other as often as they want, without regard to money spent on travel or so-called “daytime minutes.” There are more opportunities to “show” how much you care about somebody when you live near each other. When you are in a long-distance relationship (or courtship) there is no way to “show” how much you care – you must tell the other person! And if the other person is me, tell them frequently!

As I told Desmond last night, I am insecure about such things – with good reason! We both had a good laugh at that one. But seriously…I can’t maintain a courtship through the fog of second-guesses. Communicate with me. Communicate with me constantly.

Anyway, my point…intensity is important in long-distance relationships. No, you don’t have to call every day. But if that’s how your relationship began, don’t change it up without adequate warning. Don’t make your partner guess. And when your partner feels neglected, don’t treat him (or her) like anything less than your equal.

O-Ren Ishii aka Cottonmouth had to come out only once during this latest fiasco. (It wasn’t really a fiasco, but I so enjoy the word that I had to use it.) The dude started doing this Socratic thing where he was asking me all these leading questions to prove his own point. I had to say HOLD UP, PATNAH…I deaded that one real quick. Don’t try to minimize my feelings…

Yes, I run hot and cold. Yes, I flip-flop. I do try to protect my heart. That’s an open secret. When we were talking, I wanted to talk to him more. I was trippin’ when I didn’t hear from him. I’M INSECURE, D’UH! lol….but that was so not the POINT, ya know? But like, when I say “Let’s just be friends” don’t fucking start to call me MORE!!! Ugh! That brings me back to something I said earlier…I WANT him to say “I fucked up – you were THE ONE but I fucked up.” But that’s obviously not going to happen BECAUSE HE JUST DOESN’T LIKE ME THE WAY I LIKED HIM! Why can’t I understand that? No matter how many fucking a-holes in the past have put me through the exact same roller coaster, I still can’t get a handle on the fact that they NEVER come crawling back.

I have, however, learned this…and this time better than before, I understand…

It’s not my fault.

I think this past time, although I did come out of my own comfort zone more than I wanted to, I felt that I was in more control than usual. I wasn’t swept up into the whole romance of the situation. Lucky for me he just wasn’t that romantic in the first place, so I guess that was a blessing.

Don’t get me wrong…I liked him a lot. I really really did. Like, definitely husband material. I don’t think I’ve ever dated someone who I was so ready to drop everything for.

But for whatever reasons, he didn’t really want the same thing from me at the same time. Had this been a year from now, maybe. A year ago, possibly. But for whatever reason, we met each other at a point where we thought we knew what we were looking for, found it, then…whatever.

Shit happens.

Now, this all went down weeks ago. Yeah, it’s still raw for me because we’re friends. And I won’t say that it’s hard to be his friend – he’s a great person. But I do need some space and time. I can’t just jump into being in his circle – I know his friends in the context of “I like you so I am going to be on display until I know your friends like me.” I know, they probably don’t think of me in that way, but meeting all his friends was a very pressure-filled weekend for me – I don’t think he fully appreciated that.

They say the best way to forget a man is with another man. LOL maybe they don’t and I just made that up.

It’s weird being on the “dating” scene again. It’s a drag, really, because god dammit if I just didn’t spend three months courting somebody else. Dammit if I didn’t just tell my entire life to somebody else. DAMN do I really have to do this again????

In 2005, I gave men the opportunity to step up their game. In 2006, no more chances. Come correct, or don’t come at all. Come correct – all the time – or step to the side and give somebody else a chance. Do everything right the first goddamned fucking time.

In 2006, you will earn the right to compromise. I apologize in advance, but…no more. Blame the men that came before. But I gotta do what I gotta do to be protected and feel protected. And loved. And desired.

The worst feeling in the world (to me) is to have given of myself, both literally and figuratively, for what amounts to nothing. To have invested so much into a person (or people) who threw you away, or changed their minds after they slept with you.

It makes one feel like a whore, even if that’s not what you set out to do.

Which goes back to my whole push for celibacy thing. Can’t feel like a whore if I don’t have sex, now can I?

And trust me…I’m not on a hate all men kick. I am going to enjoy dating! But this will all be on my terms.

Some might think I have built a wall…I just think I have raised the bar…so high, that the man who reaches it will be “the one.”

Or Jesus.

Whoever comes first.

Posted by Rashid on January 2, 2006 9:16 PM