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I am surrounded by positive people.

Let's just say that it's been a rough life since Thanksgiving. I've been hesitant to discuss a lot of different aspects of my life on this, my internet diary because..... well, for the first time in a long time, I haven't felt very much in control of anything.

I have to admit that I treat each one of my diary entries as stand-alones..... I don't often read back to see what I've written before. So if I seem repetitive, I apologize.

I rcently ended a friendship with the guy who I thought was the one. Seriously. I look back on the whole thing and see so many opportunities to have my feelings simply acknowledged....I hate him so much right now. And I hate myself for falling for him.

While I'm not convinced that I'll NEVER find someone for me, I've definitely decided to cool down the hunt. (Ironically, I never really was searching....)

I am confused. I am hurt. I am feeling all the same feelings I ever felt after the end of something I thought was oh so great.

He challenged me....said something about reading my emails to him and my blogs and saying if I'm feeling the same way, having the same problems, then maybe I need to do some more introspection.

That one stung a lot.

I paraphrased his words because the actual ones have long since been deleted. But please believe that O-Ren came out and explained to him in no uncertain terms that I have indeed learned from my prior mistakes and made NONE of them when dealing with him.

I was proud of myself for that one. Not like smiling-proud, but taken aback that I flipped it like that.

I don't know if he reads this blog any more. I don't know if I care that anyone who is romantically interested in me reads this blog. If you've read this far, in chronological order, then you KNOW I'm crazy. Hell, I know, why don't you? Get with it.

Anyway...

I have felt a profound loneliness over the past month. I went on a date with a guy. He was really nice. Things didn't work out, and for a while there I was afraid that he and I wouldn't be able to be friends -- I am really interested in having him in my life because he's a cool dude. But I want him to see that hey....we really aren't all that compatible. And I think enough time has passed now where we can actually meet each other as friends and not auditioners for each other's affection.

To be so lonely, I sure do get my share of male attention, LOL. I can't understand it.

***

My standards are high. I realize this. I embrace this.

I hate fraud.

When people "flip" so do I. That's probably not good. That's probably why I can't stay friends with people I used to date or be interested in. Not all, but many.

But on the other hand, why should I? I am surrounded by positive people.

Why should I have people in my life who think they like me, then they don't, then they do, then they don't know after all??? Those are not qualities that I want in my friends, much less a lover. And that's almost always the thing that kills my "relationships."

I'm a typical Cancer man.... I need affection and attention.....I need you to maintain the same energy that you begin with. I need communication. If you like me, tell me AND show me. And tell me how you show me, so when you don't tell me, at least I'll recognize that you're showing me.

That makes me high maintenance, and I'm fine with that.

***

I am thankful for the men in my life that I have dated or loved or simply kicked it with and we remain "cool."

I know I am not always the easiest person to love. Believe me, I know my faults. I, too, am a work in progress.

I know I'm a catch. Blah blah blah. I know I have a lot to offer. Blah. I kinda got that part down pat. Being great husband material was my major.

I don't know what else to say.....but the positive people just keep on coming. More later.

Posted by Rashid on February 17, 2006 7:55 PM