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Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend
I made the decision to be by myself this weekend, save the wedding of my APO line mate to our prophyte.
I wasn't myself....or maybe I was myself, and it scared me. I had some "issues" with the guy I'm feeling and I dunno....seems like for the first time in a very long time I was just wrong. I guess.
See, I'm used to every single "relationship" I've ever been in ending with "I just don't feel the same way about you" in both actions and in words. Hell, you can read this blog and see how that tends to turn out for me. It hurts. It doesn't hurt less each time it happens. But it happens all the time.
I remember someone telling me that if this happens to me all the time, maybe it's not the other people, but me? Damn, I still feel the sting in that every time I think about it. There are certain people who were in my life that I can't even think about any more. It really fucking sucks. I don't want to live my life like that, but I don't know a better way to get over being hurt than to just not think about it.
Anyway....so when certain things were said to me last week, my mind immediately jumped into defense mode. I felt the Cancerian shell harden around me and words became muffled and ultimately silent.
I was being rejected....wasn't I?
The good thing about this guy is that he (admittedly) talks things out until they can't be talked out any more. And how often have I hoped for someone like that, someone who can communicate their feelings?
But still, I was feeling rejected, no matter how many times I heard "This isn't an ending...this isn't an ending..."
So why did I feel so fucking hurt?
After a day, more talking to him, and some consultation from one of the handful of friends I will allow to tell me that I'm trippin', it was deemed that I was trippin'.
I felt hurt because it was the only way I knew how to feel.
I looked back on everything that was said and came to understand that everything that he was presenting to me was not only everything I ever wanted, but everything I ever needed.
I need to take it slow. "Isn't that what you want?" Shari asked me.
I felt like Boo Boo the Fool at that point.
"Yeah....god dammit..." I said.
I apologized to him....rather profusely, I believe. I felt more wrong in that moment than I ever really had before.
If I feel like I am worth fighting for, I've got to act like I'm worth the fight.
If I feel that I am worth waiting for, I've got to believe that I'm worth the wait.
And if I say that he is worth waiting for -- then dammit, I've got to wait.
This is 2006....no time for lip service.
My fear is that in this time of waiting, I will receive the same output as all my previous attempts. It's not that I am afraid of being alone -- I've handled that quite masterfully after 27 years. And I'm not one of these gay dudes who just proclaims that he's "tired of looking." That's not it, either.
It's just that....with him....he's different. And I'm different. So, it's not the situation or the circumstances, it's literally just him. And all I want is the opportunity to see....
I'm not saying I love him. I'm not saying I'm falling in love with him. When I say "I'm falling" I mean that I am smitten...that I like every little chance I get to spend with him. That I want every opportunity I can to get to know him. That I relish every new fact I learn about him.
And that with each passing day, I find nothing that turns me away. When I say that I am looking forward to spending time with him and getting to know him better, it's because I know that this can only get better and better.
"I just hope he feels the same way" is a phrase reserved for white girls in middle school who are crushing on ninth graders.... I'll be that.
This post was supposed to be about how I spent my Sunday, but we got a little off track, now didn't we?
I didn't attend DC Gay Black Pride this year. My official reason is that I had a wedding to attend. My unofficial reasons are myriad, but one that I can share is that after the events with my new friend, I really felt like I needed some time away from people. Time to focus on me...get my mind right, my game face on, etc. (Whatever those things really mean.)
But my friend Drew called me on Saturday and was like "Rashid, where are you, I've been asking everybody where you are and nobody knows!"
I met Drew at last year's Pride. He's a great dude and a wonderful Pride buddy. Well, Drew was looking for Covenant and clearly it's not there, lol. So I was like damn, I ain't know Drew would be in town, so I made it a point to see him after the wedding.
Speaking of people in from out of town, another friend of mine came in from Chicago via Philly and was staying with friends. Now, I knew he wasn't coming to see me particularly -- which was fine, because I had honestly forgotten that he was coming into town for Pride and had REALLY thought he had already come and gone.
Life is hectic, what can I say?
So he calls me at 11am on Saturday and we agree that he would call me whenever plans are firmed up. Saturday comes and goes with no call. So I am like damn....oh well.
Sunday comes and I find myself in Georgetown with a few hours to kill. At first I'm like "I'm going to call him and see if he wants to meet up for a little while." And then I am like "No, because he said he would call when he could." but then I was like, well let me text him and see what the deal is.
Basically, he was at the Pride expo and said he was at the whim of his driver. So I was like alright, I'll just catch you next time.
Now....you know that in Rashid Darden world, that shit doesn't fly without internalizing it. It's just who I am, love it or hate it.
Yes, I feel some kind of way about how that went down. I just think if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have made a way to see my friend. Hell, when I went to Columbus, I saw everybody I wanted to see. You just make these things happen, you know?
The way I am, the way I feel things, yes maybe I am easily offended. But I just REALLY felt like a damn also-ran in that situation.
Sidenote....one of my friends in college got married and not only was I not invited, but she didn't even tell me she was engaged. Do you know what the goddamned consolation price was?
"...but you can come to the ceremony in South Africa! Everyone I care about is invited to that one!"
Like fucking South Africa is right down Riggs Road. WTF???? Miss me with that shit.
So yeah, I guess I am just used to being the friend that will understand if he's not included, the friend who it's okay if you don't make it a priority to see him, the last sonofabitch picked for dodgeball, LOL.
Anyway....yes, I felt some kind of way about that, because if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have made a way to see him if I was in his town.
Damn....off track AGAIN.
Went to a very beautiful wedding that was hot as SHIT! Do Episcopalians believe in AC? GOT DAMN!
I left a card with my Line Mate to take to the reception because I figured I could make it to the M Street Hotel and back to the reception if I really wanted to. I needed to see Drew real quick while he was in town.
Well, the M Street Hotel was the host hotel for Pride and I had forgotten that of all the events that occur during Pride, my favorite has always been just chillin in the lobby. Me and Drew chilled with his friend Larry for like 90 minutes and I was HUNGRY. So I came home and ate.....missed the reception but definitely felt happy that I attended the wedding.
Which got me thinking WOW....I just witnessed two people's covenant before God. That's bananas. This is like the most important day in their lives. It really got me thinking about what marraige actually IS. Why people obsess about who is in the wedding party, where to have it, etc....it's a really big fucking deal.
I have more thoughts about that.....they'll come up at a later time.
Anyway.....this was a real fucking diary entry, wasn't it?
I'm back, bitches!!!!!
Posted by Rashid on May 29, 2006 8:40 AM
Comments
I love a good "Miss me with ______" line!
Commented by Liz on May 29, 2006 2:39 PM