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Why I Left Adam4Adam


But first, a gratuitous picture of me with an afro, taken this weekend.

I honestly can't remember how long I had been on Adam4Adam before I finally quit it last week. I guess maybe a year and a half? I joined initially with equal interest in meeting new people and promoting my novel.

When it came to promoting my novel, it was the perfect plan. Mention in my profile that I am a novelist, mention the title of the book, so when people send me a note about it, asking where to get it, I can just direct them to my website.

As I said....the perfect plan.

When it came to meeting new people, I was far less successful. I dated one guy and acquaintanced a few others.

For all intents and purposes, I have never met a crazy person from A4A. I was probably always the less stable one, LOL. The guy I went on the date with earlier this year was actually a pretty cool dude. We were just way too different, and (as I said earlier) you kinda know in the first week what will be the undoing of the relationship. Great first date....never made it to a second.

And I've made some good e-buddies, too.

I don't want to say that "Only one good thing" came out of my time on A4A, because many good things came from it. (And perhaps, one really really great thing, too. tee hee....ta ha.) But these were my final gripes with the site.

1) It was really too dangerous a tool for self-validation. I found myself running to A4A every day to see if anyone knew had hit me up to tell me I was attractive or some other foolishness. And we do this day after day, make small talk, then get turned off by the littlest of things. Not the fault of A4A....but definitely my own fault for getting sucked into the validation trap.

2) People LIE! And of course, people have lied since the beginning of the internet, but I am talking fundamental lies like OUT and NOT OUT. One of my BEST FRIENDS IN THE UNIVERSE is more queer than a football bat. That nigga had NOT OUT! I was like are you shitting me? On other occasions, people have lied about their pictures and even their names. Which leads me to my third point....

3) Read and respect other people's preferences. By the end, I had this big ass list of who I DIDN'T want to hear from and it was longer than my actual profile! And people can't just respect your wishes....nooooo, they feel the need to hit you up anyway and question you on why you're not into older dudes (nigga, why don't you play with the kids your own age!) or the really uncomfortable question "Are you into white guys?" Cuz the only good answer is "Possibly, but not you." Well, for me that was the most honest answer.

So those are my three biggest reasons. I am also entering into a phase in my life where I am pretty much either going big or going home.... if the people who are in my life right now aren't keepers, then it's cool....but I'm not going to jump back into the swing of things right away. I have a VERY busy summer ahead of me and no time for bullllllshizzat. I have a huge writing project ahead of me that I need to get started on, as well as one that needs to get published ASAP.

In an ideal world, I would be sharing my life with one person right about now. And I'm definitely open to the existing possibilities. But if it doesn't work out, I still have things to take up my time.

Ill, that sounds like I was defeated somehow, LOL...and it's so not like that.

I'll put it this way (and thanks to Mark for saying this more eloquently than I did the other day)....artists, from time to time, have to retreat into themselves and recharge in order to rejuvenate themselves. Like other artists who might go on some sort of hiatus, I am reaching a point where I cannot keep go, go, going....I've got to slow it up, change gears, and get my head right for the third novel. I did it while writing the previous two.....and to be honest, I was celibate during one of them jonts. And I was focused, man!

Now....not saying I have to be celibate to write good shit, lol.... but if current situations don't play themselves out favorably, then the writing will still go on.

Dang, how dramatic do I sound? I really ought to stop. I also don't know how the hell I am blogging so much. But at least it's keeping my juices going.

That and reading this good ass Jackie Collins novel, Lovers and Players. Holla!

Posted by Rashid on May 30, 2006 8:13 PM

Comments

i feel u on a4a. some good & bad is in erythang.

p.s. u look cute w/ a fro also

Commented by darion tariq on June 2, 2006 7:23 PM

Do I ever feel you on A4A and a few other points you made. Except get your big feet off my toes in # 4. Ouch! lol. Kids my age indeed. Hmmmph. You know I am just kiddin frat. Luv ya inspite of your youthfulness. I have no regrets about quitting A4A last month. Too big a time waster for one thing, and becoming too much a part of my social life for another. I feel much better with the dialogue on 360. Good luck with your current pursuits (all of them, *wink*).

Commented by Fratman1906 on June 2, 2006 11:33 PM

congrats, im on my 12 step plan now!

Commented by Frank León Roberts on June 3, 2006 8:34 AM

Man i feel u,u have some good an some bad
its been 1yr. for me 2 an it just 2 many games people play on A4A.Keep up the good work write more an more.holla 2sxy4u............

Commented by 2sxy4u on June 3, 2006 8:19 PM

Hey Man,
I had a similar experience with A4A. People looked at my pics and were really interested and kept sending me all kind of crazy stuff. Most of them were from far away. Too far away. Not much could happen with that because I wanted someone from my area. They still kept coming. Some got mad because I wouldn't answer if they didn't have a pic. I don't like the deception some of the people were putting out there. This could have been a nice venue to meet people but it gets out of control.

Commented by Tony on June 3, 2006 8:43 PM

a4a was where I first contacted you. And that was just to tell you I had just read Lazarus and how much I enjoyed it. I even joined your yahoo group after that! If anything, I can say that a4a was great for allowing me to touch base with a fantastic writer.... YOU! Thanks, Rashid and keep those creative juices flowing! Like yourself, I had to bid a4a adieu!

Commented by Abram on June 5, 2006 6:07 PM

I too bid A4A goodbye sometime ago but unfortunately I relasped a couple of months ago and was brutally reminded of the reasons that i had to bid a4a goodbye for the final time. Good luck with your book!!

Commented by joseph bourgeois on June 18, 2006 1:41 AM

i read everything all the comments too and its
sad to seeA4A get like this persons on the sit
are not just true in their ads their are liars
fakes and then for the most part nasty and very
repulsive not to mention the fake body part
etc most too wants an adonis type person but we
can't all be adonises thanks for the opportunity
that i can make this comment

Commented by HOLLY on June 18, 2006 2:36 AM

Somehow I just stumbled across your blog and found your reasons for leaving A4A quite interesting and amusing(but not in a bad way), but like you I had to delete myself off because it became such a waste of valuable time after awhile. For me living here in Manhattan, there is so much to see outside in the real world......and so many chances to meet interesting people....way more than looking at (like you said) brothas who need validation on A4A.

Commented by montyb [TypeKey Profile Page] on June 20, 2006 12:59 PM

Nicely put. U have really inspired me and gave me the insights on A4A just want to say thanks and I hope the novel is a success.

ONE.

Commented by real_destine on June 29, 2006 11:09 PM

Hey Man, nice analogy fo A4A. I joined 4 months ago and came to many of your conclusions about the site within this time period.

I am a romantic at heart and will always beleive that there is one soul mate out there for everyone. I have had the wonderful experience of being totally in love in my lifetime so I know this does exist. I just find that in today's world we have subsituted and compromised the idea of love and that manny of us have no idea of its power and capabilities.

Being focused and into oneself in order to perfect or grow a life desire is totally cool. However society now looks at this as self centered, selfish and stuck up. With the new age of disconnect among human beings (virtual connections)the human race has been on the fast track to separation and lonliness. We disguise it as "on line chats", "e-buddies", etc.

I look for the direct connection and encountering among others. I will always enjoy walks in the park, going to the movies, concerts and such ...placing myself in the real world with the trust that other human beings remember the sheer pleasure of contact and interaction. Through this old fashioned method I have managed to continue to meet interesting and exciting people. While I am not in love right now, I still have faith in it and the human race that we have not lost our identity as a social species by design.

Rock on with your website, it is verrrry cool. I will look for your next litery work and continue to support a brotha.....

Peace'
Slade

Commented by Slade on July 7, 2006 1:29 AM

Met someone on a4a after only three days. He was beyond beautifull. We were supposed to meet just for dinner. I invited him to my place just for coffee,(honest) wound up doing the naughty( at his insistance). He spent the night, was not the same person in the morning, scared the shit out of me . ,left abruptly and I never heard from him again. A4A is the perfect portals for Psychos and great sex that's all...

Commented by bad in baltimore on July 22, 2006 10:52 PM

Hi,
I just read your story, I can say that I've experienced the same thing tha you did on that site. Too many superfical people on that site. They like to judge you on your looks, what you don't have etc. I've been rejected many time by guys because I was either to short, or to old. But you know what God don't like ugly and he doesnt' like pretty either. Also they don't mind hurting your feelings either

Commented by Anthony on August 24, 2006 10:38 AM

I HAVE FOUND THAT THE MEN ON A4A ARE EXTREMELY VAIN AND SHALLOW. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SIX PACK AND A 12" MEMEBER, THEN THEY JUST DISCARD YOU LIKE AN OLD RAG. A LOT OF THE MEN ON THERE SHOULD TAKE THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW A PERSON FOR WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE AND NOT WHAT'S ON THE OUTSIDE. THEY MISS OUT ON SO MANY GOOD MEN BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A GQ MODEL. THEY REALLY NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER AND PUT THAT VANITY AWAY!!

Commented by TOMMY on September 6, 2006 12:24 PM

I just ran across your blog by accident.
I still have my profile but it is limited to frinship.
And little infomatin is given.
I use it to chat and nothing more.
Have only met 4 guys in person dated one.
We became lovers now special friends.
The other 3 are good friends also.
No need to expound on what others have alredy said.
I am talking to this realy talented writer now.
Not a romantic thing developing a frienship.
How can I find your novels?

Commented by John on October 1, 2006 5:48 PM

I was planning on being new to the site,but...Well, you have just encouraged me to not even waste my time getting involved with the games,lies and traps.I thank you.

Commented by mr.mann on October 11, 2006 4:07 PM

I was planning on being new to the site,but...Well, you have just encouraged me to not even waste my time getting involved with the games,lies and traps.I thank you for the insightfulness.

Commented by mr.mann on October 11, 2006 4:08 PM

Thanks to everyone for their input about a4a..I've been on the site a few times and felt it wasn't for me..I grew tired of how superficial everyone seem to be and the self-hatred we inflicted on brothers of our own kind. The most unappealing aspect of the site is when brothers aren't willing to take the time to get to know you..most of us mature adults know that it's more to a relationship than just sex..far more. It was not a good medium to meet the type of brother I am looking for. Best wishes my novelist and let me know where I can purchase one of your books..and to my fellow brothers my deepest wishes that you find that "one" good brother who is out there for "you".

Commented by Michael on October 14, 2006 5:14 PM

Dude it's a web site ...not the bible
You like smart and goodlooking take care

Commented by Marvin Houston on October 14, 2006 6:02 PM

20 years old and still lookin and soundin great!
Call on me suga!

Commented by Miss Jackson if your Nasty! on October 14, 2006 7:49 PM

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