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Challenges

There's a thin line between stepping back and giving up.

I feel like giving up.

***

This goes far beyond the situation with the last dude. By the way, the general concensus is that he sucks. I, for one, don't really have an opinion of him. I expected a whole lot more than what I'm getting. I expected for someone who wants to just be friends to stay in touch.

But I don't really care anymore. I can't expect too much of anything from the men I am interested in.

No, this goes far beyond him.....this goes back to the one who implied that there was something wrong with me if this always happens to me.

***

It's over. Curtains. Quits. I give up.

There's nothing left for me to do. Seriously. Someone today told me that they found themselves in a similar situation to mine and when they simply "stepped back" and focused on themselves, that's when love found them.

My response was a thank you for the advice. And I did appreciate his story. But what a lot of people don't realize is that I do step back. And when I step back, I do it big! Like, when I wrote Lazarus, I was celibate for seven months!

If I step back now, what would be the point? I've retreated so many times and (honestly) come out stronger afterwards. But no matter how strong one gets, rejection after rejection still hurts like shit.

I take the shit personally because it personally happens to me.

***

I was feeding the cats today and wondered if my lot in life was to write books and take care of children and that's it. Like I wasn't made to receive the type of relationship that I seek.

I don't think it's selfish to want more even after knowing and acknowledging that I have a good life. Great friends. A wonderful family. And gifts from God in writing and working with children.

But what if that's all there is? I'm starting to think so.

Don't email me about this please. The comments are off for a reason.

Posted by Rashid on June 21, 2006 7:47 PM