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Confused

I just don't understand people.

It's been nearly two weeks (I think) since I last heard from the most recent person I've been talking to. Called him last night leaving a last ditch effort message acknowledging that I knew his phone was acting up (that's what he said last time I talked to him) and that I knew he was going out of town for a while.

But I mean damn.... not even an email? I can understand not texting if your phone is acting up. I am a really understanding type of person, especially if it's someone I care about.

This morning I wake up and get a request to join his yahoo 360 network....which I do....and then I peep the blog entries from a week ago today.

Why, oh why, did I do that? They only leave me with a lot of questions with a generous helping of disappointment.

When you read someone else's blog, especially someone you're getting to know, you ask yourself "Is that me?" You assume that they're talking about you, then you shame yourself for being presumptuous. (I guess that's a taste of my own medicine.)

I guess what I really want to say is that I was really feeling this dude, and it sucks to read (and to know) that once again, the dude I want is unwilling or unable to move forward in the way that I want to.

It doesn't help that his most recent entry didn't seem to be about me at all, LOL......

I could be misinterpreting this WHOLE thing. I acknowledge that.

But it doesn't help that I haven't spoken to him in so long.

I feel like someone who wanted me would find a way.

I need....I need....I need.....it feels like such a selfish statement, but I do have needs that it seems I can never get satisfied.

I need someone to love me. I need someone to come home to, at least figuratively. I need someone I can depend on. I need someone who will tell me he loves me. I need someone who will massage my back. I need someone who will respond favorably to the romance that I bring.

I don't know why all this is hitting me so hard this morning. Maybe because I was already feeling sick and this didn't help much.

I want someone who will care and communicate....care how I feel. Care what I will think. Communicate with me....help me understand what's going on.

I am not trying to levy all of this responsibility on him per se, but I am trying to identify the things I need and have needed through the years that have led to this ultimate point of feeling empty inside. I never felt this empty before recently...very much alone at the end of the day.

It just seems like collectively, the dudes that I fall for can be in relationship to relationship, but when it comes to me they wise up and say they're not ready to be in a relationship, they're not ready to be in another relationship, they're not ready to be in a relationship with me.....etcetera, etcetera.

And he'll probably read this and be convinced that I wasn't the one after all...will be relieved that he found that I was crazy before it was too late....

Posted by Rashid on June 19, 2006 6:06 AM