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The Crush Makes Everything Alright

As you read this entry, listen to "Crush" by Zhane. It helps!

I have two things to say tonight....one specific, one broad.

Specifically, my whole life was made tonight....why? Because I got to see my Crush.

*sigh*

*swoon*

It's Homecoming Weekend for the Hoyas, and I went to this happy hour thing at the Black House. I really enjoyed it this year, maybe even a little better than previous years. There were so many people there I knew by face, but not necessarily by name. And I liked that because it's like wow, all these Black Hoyas in one room...college educated....I love it!

But the icing on the cake was within one minute of me coming in the house....around the corner came my Crush.

*sigh* and *swoon*

*cheese*

I've known this guy since I started college....1997.... and during my Sophomore year was when I was like wow, I am really crushing on this dude. But he was straight, and to my knowledge still is, lol. But I used to love just sitting on the bench and talking to him. He was so complex to me...not at all what people categorized him as.

The cadence of his voice....his hands....his eyes....his genuine concern for my welfare....his tacit support of me, all that I was and am.

And I've always been a sucker for anyone I had to look up to -- literally. I love tall men.

Yet, he was just a crush, because he was straight. And is.

The crush I had on him was not painful -- it wasn't like how, this year, I became attracted to a man who already had a boyfriend. It was those moments where you and he stare at each other, then look away, then stare again.

No, this was a cold, hard crush. Liking somebody so hard that just seeing him makes your day go better.

Now, more broadly:

I think every gay man I know is feeling me when I say that crushes are especially hard on us. See, I don't know about everyone, but for ME, I crush on the one hundred percent inaccessible dudes. Those dudes that are so unabashedly straight. So masculine, sometime even macho....

Dudes I can't possibly have.

Dudes with families..... hey, there is nothing more attractive than seeing a single father handling his business!

Straight dudes.....I love them so.

On one hand, they are the best dudes to crush on, because you can crush on them from afar in perpetuity.

But on the other hand, gosh it fuckin sucks to like straight dudes because it messes up your personal barometer for relationships with gay men. I was discussing this with a friend this weekend, as a matter of fact. We asked each other damn....are we chronically single because in essence, we WANT a straight man?

What is it about a straight man that is so appealing to me?

Part of it is masculinity. I personally don't want to date a man who is more femme than I am. And I'm not femme really..... sure, I might say "gert" or "chile" every now and then, but I think I'm pretty "normal" on the gay spectrum of feminine to masculine tendencies and affectations.

Part of it is an orientation toward family life.... straight men are sorta bred to be fathers....part of a unit.... straight men are expected to become part of a duo, and eventually a trio or more, depending on how many kids they have. I LOVE THAT because I want a family myself. It's almost like once a man commits to a gay lifestyle, it becomes harder and harder to find relationship role models who match the paradigm of the nuclear family, especially among black gays.

Straight men satisfy the need I have to be protected...to have someone who says "Naw....I got this." And it also goes back to my preference for tall men. Tall men make me feel safe and secure.

I guess part of my life as a writer is so independent....I have to wear so many hats on my own behalf. And sometimes I'm just like GOSH can't I get a break? No, I don't necessarily want someone who is gonna get me foot massages, get me the evening paper, and fix dinner..... I want that manly man who is gonna go out and KILL dinner for that night. LOL!

This entry is rife with generalizations....so forgive me. I know not all straight men meet these criteria, and many gay men do. I'm just trying to get to the heart of the matter.....

Don't worry..... I'm not chasing pipe dreams....and I generally accept people as they are.

But as the guy with the boyfriend told me.... I have pretty high standards. Realistic? For the patient, yes. I do think there is a guy out there for me who is everything I'm looking for and more. He's going to give me those butterflies that my straight crushes give me.

I'm open for it....not rushing it....

I just better not be damn 85 years old when it happens!

Posted by Rashid on November 4, 2006 9:08 PM