« My trip to Louisville | Main | New Web Designer »

Welll....happy new year!

I am back from Louisville! I will probably talk about my convention experience in the next few days, but I wanted to focus on something else.

So last year, I had the pleasure of meeting a man face-to-face that I had known online for a few months prior to that.

As a matter of fact, let's tell the story from the beginning.

Last year, rather, in 05, I got an email from this guy. It was his work email address. It basically was like "Hi Rashid.... my friend _________ told me about your book. I was wondering if we could meet for lunch and I could buy your book?"

So instantly I am like uhhh, gross, he's trying to disguise his request for a date by saying he wants to buy the book! AND he emailed me from his WORK account!!!

So I respond by saying where he could purchase the book and thanks for the interest. I may have said something else about why I didn't/couldn't meet him. I can't remember. But I did think that was creepy.

When I was on A4A the first time around, I "met" this guy again..... he seemed really cool this time around. I'm not sure if he had purchased the novel by then, but he seemed more laid back, less pressed to meet me, etc. I saw his picture for the first time and thought he was handsome. But I once again was turned off because of something he said about DC men.... something like how all DC men are in a rush to be "bunned up" as we would say. How he just wants to "chill" and "kick it." To me, that said he just wanted to fuck something or someone.

Another turn off..... I am definitely in that category of men who would probably seem like I was in a rush to get bunned up, even if that wasn't necessarily the case. I treat dudes how I want to be treated, and that's like a King.

So I knew then that he wasn't "the one."

Fall of 05, I got hired in a seasonal position at this guy's job, but not at a site where we'd ever see each other. I honestly can't even recall if I made the connection that this guy worked there. Regardless, I got the job and somehow we made a friendly connection again.

Then a position became open within the organization that I wanted, and I went for it. I contacted him to let him know, and he was very helpful throughout the interview process. I didn't have any unfair advantages or anything like that, though.

Believe it or not, the first time we met face to face was at my first-round interview. I was like damn, look at this lanky caramel colored specimen.....I love lanky men, y'all, for real. So yes, I was attracted to him.

We talked later, and I told him something off-hand like "Yeah, too bad I am interviewing with this org, I would've loved to take you out." And he says something like "Yeah, I thought the same thing... too bad I have a boyfriend."

*screeeeeech*

Excuse?

So all the times we had talked about "his boy" he was conveniently leaving off the word "friend." I am not naive y'all, really I'm not. He NEVER said anything that implied he was taken -- not to mention, he had but six months earlier implied, no, outright said that he wasn't looking to settle down.

But here he is with some bitch, all bunned up.

I only call the dude "some bitch" because of how I felt at the time. I don't know dude at all. He's probably great.

So, I was disappointed, felt kind of awkward.

He actually interviewed me for my second round as part of a group. I was confident and whatnot, though I probably should have felt even more nervous.

Got the job....

Started the job....

Less that two months later, he quit the job.....

That's when things got complicated. See, working alongside him only made we like him more. I know it sounds trite, but it's true. I just got to see parts of him that I wouldn't have seen over the internet or on the phone. True, I felt he had been dishonest with my by omission about the boyfriend, but whatever, at least now I knew.

But I just liked him more and more and more..... hell, I was keeping a paper journal about it during that period! Me, a paper journal?

May 6, 2006

Lazy day, sort of. I really deserve a lot of rest this weekend.

Why am I so emotional, though?

__________ has been creeping into my mind.

When I see him, I get a very specific school girl crush feeling. I don't look at him, because if I look at him, he'll know. I am happier on the days we don't say much. Yet those are tough days, too.

His broad shoulders, deep voice, strong forearms, long legs...those things comfort me, even though they don't "belong" to me. On Thursday, all I wanted to do was bury myself in his chest, and hold him, and be held.

*****

May 8, 2006

I am glad that ___ is starting today. __________ will hopefully be giving her enough attention where I won't even see him that much.

*****

May 10, 2006

The past 48 hours have been crazy, like I'm in the middle of one big sob.
Yesterday afternoon, __________ resigned.....

[He] took me outside to talk. I asked him "Why are you leaving?" and he told me.

After he explained everything, I told him that I believed he was doing the right thing. I hugged him... Jesus Christ, that was the best hug of my life. He is just the right size. His arms wrapped perfectly around me; my head fit right under his chin and neck...

We headed back to the office and I found the guts to tell him...that the best part of coming to work was also the worst part. That I got to see him, but I had to see him every day. That I am attracted to someone I can't have. And that I had very often retreated from him -- distanced myself to make things less complicated.

To my surprise, he admitted the same. I didn't expect him to say that he was attracted to me, mostly because every day I feel fat and undesirable.

...he said "I'm not supposed to be attracted to you, but I am."

So...that's what it is. I have no intention on going further. __________ has a man, and I am cool with that. I think I just needed to get the feelings off my chest. And I got the bonus of knowing that he felt similarly, yet we're both mature enough to know the boundaries.

But two things made it feel so good.... his embrace, and this:

When I hugged him the first time, my afro was in his face, so I apologized. He told me not to, and that he liked it. Then he put his fingers in my hair and rubbed my scalp.

He did it again after our "revelations" to one another, as we went back into the office. It is probably the most intimate I will ever be with him.

I need to find the man who can make me feel like _________ does: safe, secure, attractive, loved......

*****

And don't you know months later, I felt the same goddam way about him???

I went on a date with a Sigma... yeah, THAT lasted all of a week.

Went out of town several times. At one event, in a sea full of gay black men, not a one seemed to take an interest in me. Couldn't even find one in Atlanta of all places. Went to Ohio, saw hot guys who were straight and hot guys who were gay, but taken.

Just couldn't quite get right in '06. Toward the end of the year, I was supposed to meet ___________ for dinner one saturday. If you recall my entries where I was stood up, yeah, that was him.

I don't know if I mentioed it, but he came up to the job one day after that to find me and apologize. He gave me a ride to site and we just sat and talked and got emotional and..... and it was the same damn feelings, still and again.

By December, I knew something had to give. I wanted him, but I was not about to actively try to wreck his home. As scandalous as I like to make myself seem, I know Karma would have my ass with a quickness.

So not two weeks ago, I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore....I had things I need to work out that I couldn't do with him. And I sent him a poem I had previously entered here, in my blog. Here's a piece to jog your memory:

the knot inside me grows
the more i know
i like you
but you have a man

who certainly understands why i would
because
well
look at you

And that was that.....

I do love him. That's the part that really sucks. I love somebody that can't love me back the way I need it. And let's be real, I've got enough friends. I don't need friends with whom to have a weird sexual attraction with. It ain't even worth it.

So that's what I was doing in 06. All in all, it's not much different from how my romantic life was before.

I just don't think it's for me, that's all.

Now, all that said.....comments have been turned OFF for this entry and I will NOT be entertaining comments or questions about this situation. Thanks. :-)

Posted by Rashid on January 2, 2007 4:11 PM