Old Gold Soul :: The Diary

White boys are so pretty
White boys are so sweet
White boys drive me crazy
Drive me indiscreet ---- White Boys, from the musical Hair

Lately, I've had this "thing."

For twenty-five years of my life, I've been pretty much exclusively attracted to men of color. Okay, not the whole 25 years, but at least since puberty. I was raised in a 99 percent black environment here in DC...all I knew was black men and black women. My whole family is black except for my great-grandmother and an aunt by marriage.

Even when I went to college, I was mostly attracted to men of color. 'Ceptin' for this one dude who was Ukrainian, maybe? We kissed once. But once I turned 21, it was nothing but the Black and Latino brothers. FOUR YEARS at a white college, and white men never turned my head.

But now, I'm sorta....feenin' for one?

As much as I loathe the objectification of black men in popular media, here I am getting real enthusiastic about Dean Cain (part Asian), Ben Affleck, and Tobey McGuire.

It's not a universal kind of thing....I don't want EVERY white man. And I don't want a white man exclusively. I still see me spending my life with an African American or Latino man.

But I think I need to date some Caucasoids soon.....

So on an irregular basis, I like to post my top ten hotties list. I've been doing this ever since I was on d.iaryl.and. These guys aren't the ONLY kinds of guys I will date...to be honest, personality goes a long way with me, so you definitely don't need to be perfect.

We always start this list with the hottie in training: Kwame Jackson from The Apprentice. Karamo from The Real World: Philadelphia. Actually they are more like honorable mentions until I see more of them.

So, without further ado, bring on the hotties:

So I had a dream......I was teaching in this very big elementary school that was built in an old style. It made me think of Wilson High School and other buildings constructed the same way. The music building was actually a one-room school house in itself that the music teacher was renovating by himself.

Later in the dream (how I made the transition, I don't know) I was picked up by this Que I used to mess with. I propositioned him for one thing, he said no.....I propositioned him for another thing, and he said yes....WHY did I have to wake up before the games began?

UGH.

My kids have an assembly today, so that's good. I think they will do okay. I didn't have a bad day yesterday at work. With the exception of the normal drama that occurs among teachers, everything is going well. There will always be pettiness though...

I'm sorta down. I haven't really been right since Homecoming, really. Trying to figure out what exactly it is that I'm feeling, and I just don't know really.

I do know that I am missing some sort of intimacy in my life. All I really talk about is work and the book. People ask me "How is everything else?" and I think to myself, well what the hell else is there to possibly talk about? And then I realize oh....people want to know if I am dating. And I think to myself, what a silly question, of course I'm not.

It's not such a silly question though....I throw myself into my work with everything I'd got, just as I would a partner, a man, a significant other. I do it for the love of the art and because I care about my career as a writer, and my career as a teacher. But....I also know that I'd rather have it this way, after months and years of hurt.

Hurt sucks....I hate investing myself into someone only to have them change their minds about me. I wish you knew just how many times I *thought* I had something with someone, only to have them say "Let's just be friends" at best, or stop talking to me altogether. It happens...A LOT.

When one goes through that kind of pain, you don't want to repeat it. But at the same time, you miss out on intimacy. Sometimes, I just want somebody whose lap I can lay my head in. That's not even a sexual thing, ya dig?

But it's hard being an "average" gay man in this city....I'm not on the DL, but I'm not like the majority of gay men here. I don't like the various clubs here, mostly. I hate house music. I just don't like all the traditional things....I'd rather go to a nice neo soul kinda spot and listen to some live music. Doesn't have to be a gay club.

But then, what do I do to meet my soul mate? I don't want to pick somebody up in some meat market environment -- that's not me. I'm a fan of letting things happen naturally, meeting people by doing whatever it is you normally do. I think that's only right....it doesn't try to skew fate, and no matter what, you're already having fun, so you can focus on having fun, not on meeting someone.

I *should* be able to meet a potential date anywhere I go....

But then, maybe that doesn't apply to gay men who are average. For the most part, everything I do is in a hetereosexual environment. Don't get me wrong, I love gay people....but the typical avenues aren't my scene. The atypical avenues....and there are some...well, I won't say that I've exhausted all of my respurces, but I have to come out of my comfort zone just a little bit before I go to an Adodi meeting or one of these movie nights I keep hearing about.

It'll happen....sooner or later. Whether I follow a path that's been created already or if I have to create my own.

Cuz loneliness SUCKS, dude.

So many people ask me why I'm single.

YOU TELL ME!!!!

Leave your comments! Why am I single? What do you think?

I can't believe I lost an entry.

Here I am typing away, then I fall asleep because I am really too tired to keep going. I leave the computer on, get up early, pop in my tape of ER, and resume typing.

Then somehow, I am working in Netscape, right click on a tab, and click "Close Other Tabs" instead of closing the one I wanted closed. Of course, I lost my entry.

Bah. Oh well. It's probably for the best. I'll try to recreate what I remember.

I love, but hate the feeling I get when I like someone....it's a great feeling, but it's toxic. See....when I like someone, I really like them. But I don't like everyone that way.....it's tough to explain....

It's a toxic feeling because, for me, it always turns out that the people I have these feelings for....well....they either can't return the feelings in the same way....or don't. And because the communication isn't where it needs to be, I end up getting hurt.

Ironically, I always tell a dude how I feel, at the beginning, middle, and end stages of a "relationship" -- indeed, that is what is probably intimidating about me, my ability to be candid with my emotions. I don't play games with people. Tell me the truth; I'll tell you the truth. So why is communication always a problem for me? Why do I always end up getting hurt by someone who "just" didn't like me the same way, when things were going so well, it seemed?

I don't guess that everyone I come into contact is wack. That would be the easy explanation. Okay, yes, some if not many men I've dated have been wack. (Ha ha, I just thought how funny it would be if I named names....) But some of these men are very beautiful people that I still hold some kind of feelings for, even if they are buried deep, deep inside and never mentioned or dealt with.

Not many men, just a few.

And I wonder what happened, what went wrong, what could I have done differently to avoid being hurt? How could I predict that someone I date faithfully for a few months all of a sudden stop calling me, stop emailing me...won't return my messages? How can anyone predict that somebody will turn into an asshole?

And I guess you can't, really....no matter how much screening I do, there is no way that I can predict that someone will spend time with me, know exactly what will hurt me most, and then use it against me. It happens. People do this. It hurts. It keeps me single.

So there's your answer. I am single because I am tired of being hurt be people I love.

That said....I can pretty much tell the type of man that has that "hurt-potential." It's not that I try to avoid him....but hey, who goes out looking for hurt, right? Not the kid.

I love, but hate the feeling I get just before I start liking somebody....the conversations on the phone...the emails...the text messages...everything's wonderful. You like thinking about that person....you smile like a little bitch when you're talking on the phone.

Yeah, that's me.

It's a scary feeling knowing that you could fall for someone.

So many things I'm goin' through
So much that I wanna do
It startin' to become so clear to me
Tomorrow ain't really what it seems...

Yeah....that's me.

I don't want to overthink this....oh hell, you know I wouldn't be me if I didn't overthink this. I have this thing where I think through every single scenario that could possibly happen in a given situation.

So I will TRY not to overthink this. I will TRY to let things flow. I will TRY to not become emotionally invested in hypotheticals, be they positive or negative.

I WILL always be honest and upfront with my emotions. Even though that doesn't give me the outcome that I WANT, it always gives me the outcome I need. If a man can't deal with the real me...the raw ME that exists beyond the dreads, the book, the flirtation....if he can't deal with what lies in my heart, then he's just not worth dealing with in the first place.

How you like them apples?

you don't know how happy i am
every single cell in my body
tries to jump out my body
and give you a hug
i am so fuckin ready
i tell you, but
you don't know how happy i
really
am
every hair on my body
even the ones entangled in dreadlocks
the ones on my legs
the fine ones on the back of my neck
they stiffen in the silence
my body makes love to you in between
sheets of soundlessness
but you don't know how happy i am
to be making love to you while my
body is absolutely still
i
like
you so fuckin much
like country people like grits
every song i play erases somebody else
in my mind
in my heart
and leaves only you
and i am like damn, could i be
a virgin once more?
that's like whoa
let me show you how happy i am

All at once I knew -- I knew at once -- I knew he needed me

An empty room is merciless, don't be surprised if I confess:
I sometimes have the tendency to look at you
…religiously

So many nights…
So many dreams…
I shall not envy lovers, but long for what they share.

What the hell am I doing here?

My beating heart wants you
And my empty arms need you
You touch me; I hear the sound of mandolins
You are so beautiful to me
You kiss me; with your kiss my life begins
You’re spring to me
You're everything I need
…all things to me
Nothing even matters to me

Who would have thought his love could be so good?

Can't you see you're everything I hoped for?
If there's a thing that you need, I'd give you the breath that I breathe
Don’t you know you’re life itself?
I don't care if it hurts.
Just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me…

Nothing even matters to me
You're part of my identity
You've really got…
You've really got a…

…I don't belong here.
What the hell am I doing here?

*******

Mashed Up from:

"He Needs Me" by Shelly Duvall
"Creep" by Radiohead
"You've Really Got a Hold on Me" performed by the Beatles
"Not Me" performed by Boyz II Men
"Nothing Even Matters" by Lauryn Hill ft. D'Angelo
"You Light Up My Life" performed by Leanne Rhymes
"Wild is the Wind" performed by Cat People
"I've Fallen in Love With You" by Joss Stone
"You Are So Beautiful to Me" by Joe Cocker
"Whenever, Wherever, Whatever" by Maxwell

I'mm feelin' real good.

Trying not to get paralyzed by the fear one gets when everything is just too perfect.

I really like him. A lot.

I want everything to be just right.

I'm scared, a little. I'm more used to hurt than I am un-hurt, so I kinda don't know about all this "happiness" shit.

I don't want to disappoint him. But why would I? How could I? I don't know -- that's part of the fear.

I just want to be there with him.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH why am I actin' like a bia??? I am Rashid Darden, I don't stop for no man! *growl* I write books, bitch! *beating chest with fists*

*sigh*

These have been the best days of my life, though....it feels good to be liked.

Hey, I don't need nobody to like me!!! I ain't no bia! I'm the Ill Rah-Rah, dammit!

*sigh*

We'll see what happens. Hopefully, nothing but good.

I fixed the pictures in the hottie list. I also opened the comments. Check em out!

We talk a lot. But sometimes we stay on the phone and listen to each other breathe.

Every song I listen to reminds me of him, even the instrumentals. I imagine myself dancing with him in a club, feeling like it's just the two of us even though there are dozens more around us.

I like him. Lots.

I fell asleep right after he told me he'd call me back.

*sigh*

It's just days away. I can't help but be nervous.

"She Ain't Right For You" - Macy Gray

Well, he's not coming down after all. Yeah, yeah, I'm sad and all that. I wasn't at first, but now I am. Trying to just be like fuck it but when you care for somebody so hard, it's never that simple.

Went to a bazaar at this elementary school today and got some secret santa gifts. Okay, so I don't know who I am secret santa-ing for yet because I didn't work on Friday, so I got some stuff that might be nice for either gender. Chances are I got a woman though.

Crap....I just realized I might not get a teacher at all....crap crap crap.

"Mercy Mercy Me" - Marvin Gaye

I wanted to mention that I saw a cute movie on the Disney channel this week. It was called Toothless. Basically, Kirstie Alley dies and has to become the Tooth Fairie before she can go to heaven. Crazy, right? But it was such a cute movie. I really liked it.

"Bossman" - Beenie Man ft Lady Saw and Sean Paul

This Morris Brown College situation....man....so apparently Tom Joyner made an offer to BUY Morris Brown College. Morris Brown turned him down.

"Part-Time Lover" - H-Town

And good for MBC! You can't BUY a non-profit entity! What the hell does Tom Joyner's bama ass know about owning a college? UGH. I wish a nigga would try to buy my school, even if it has lost its arccedidation. Yeah, that's probably my pride, Tom Joyner should never have gone on the radio and made the offer. That's not what higher education is all about. That's tacky, in my opinion.

If anything, he need to just make a DONATION instead of trying to buy the school. Hell, if he mad a donation of say $20,000,000 (which I'm sure he has) that might be one of the largest single donations by one black person ever made to a school.

Maybe, I am just guessing.

"Other Side of the Game" - Erykah Badu

Not to mention, Tom Joyner has a FOUNDATION. He can put his own money into the endowment, watch it make money, THEN give it to MBC. And even then, he can put limitations on the money. Legally, they can only spend gift money the way the donor says, or they have to give it back.

But...whatever....I'm no millionaire, you know?

******

I'm still sorta sad about this weekend....

"Thug Mentality" - Krayzie Bone

I don't know what I'm doing today....don't know what I feel like doing. Nothing, really. Maybe something related to LAZARUS....

Who knows.....

When you like somebody....it's like you can't fall asleep right until you've spoken to them on the phone -- it's like you NEED them next to you, but it's okay (for now) if all you have is their voice on the phone and you don't have a hands-free device so you're kinda resting your elbow against the wall while you're laying down, talking, talking, talking, until nobody's talking and you you're actually sleeping and you know you're sleeping because all of a sudden you JERK yourself awake, say his name, and ask "You sleep?"

Yes, liking someone sucks.

Liking someone sucks because of all the guys I liked before. They made me neurotic. Okay, so I was neurotic before, but now I am like official and shit. I. Am. So. Scared. of getting hurt because no matter who, what, where, or when, they always hurt me SOMEHOW.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me thrice, I deserve to be dragged into the street and shot.

I am insecure now because of the others....insecure about my personality, my body, my sense of humor...perhaps, somewhere deep inside, I just don't feel good enough. And that's real.

I'm a pretty spazzed out individual sometimes. Now is one of those times. Because I LIKE somebody.

UGH!

I like him a lot. I know he is a good person. He calls me. A lot. I like that. It shows me he cares. It shows me he's thinking of me. Why doesn't that make me secure?

The reasons that I am insecure have nothing to do with him, so I shouldn't extend my blame to him. But I can't help it that he is in the category of "people who like me"....everyone who was once in that category eventually become "people who don't."

And I am scared of that. I am scared that everything I am feeling is going to turn out to be a big old waste of time because somehow, he is going to find SOMETHING wrong with me that is a DEALBREAKER.

I can't control it. I know. So it's not my fault if it happens. But dammit, I don't want to get hurt...again.

This was a rough weekend. I need him.

Bad.

Funny how one phone call can make you feel sooooo much better.

:-D

Gotta stop listening to those voices, you know?

The mantra is....say it with me....

HE AIN'T THEM.

Get it? Got it? Good.

Got this from an email....

Like the rest of their life, a sexual encounter with Cancer is much
like a slow dance, but if you've got the right moves, you can take
the Crab on a torrid tango. Ole! The emotional firepower that can be
aroused within Cancer usually manifests itself as a series of
wonderful fantasies and less as sexual acrobatics. Either way, it's
pure pleasure for both partners. The Crab is also quite intuitive and
can generally sense what their lover wants, which makes an encounter
between the sheets a finely-tuned union. Cancer's feminine side is
often on display in the bedroom, which means the Crab enjoys being
made love to. The good news is that the Crab is a very receptive
student! With the Crab, sex often equals love and its nurturing
aspects (such as home and hearth), so anyone who can appeal to this
sign's deep need for security is likely to unleash a volcanic
eruption of sensual treats. Being a Water sign, Cancerians are quite
fond of sex on the beach or in the sea.

Trippin'......

I kinda had a bad day.

I had the angry/sad/disappointed/confused feeling all day long.

Another sleepless night.....maybe too much on my mind, maybe my bed is too hard, maybe it's too stuffy. Odd, because my allergy medicine usually makes me sleepy.

He didn't call me. Should I assume another calamity has befallen him, or should I assume he's being spiteful?

I saw a side I hadn't seen before, but perhaps I knew it was there.

I don't know....I just want to talk about it and move on.

I just don't understand how I could be SO misunderstood after all that I've said and done.

Well, I had a good night's sleep. I was ACTUALLY tired before I went to bed, so I knew it would be a decent night.

We spoke. Apologies were had. Questions were asked. Where are we going? What do you need?

Space was given, time was given....

And now it's out of my hands....I'm going to keep doing what I need to do regardless. If it's meant to be, it will be. I care. I love. But I realize that things need to be....yoked equally? Did I even use that correctly...probably not....

Even though this is a ....I don't know, break? Hiatus? Sabbatical? I don't feel bad....I mean yes, the journey is his, the power (so to speak) is in his hands to decide what he wants. I know that he doesn't live for hurting me...so in a way, even if he tells me what "we" are won't work...well, it will suck ass! But I know it won't have been for lack of trying.

Make sense? Hope so. I don't play games with people, never have, never will. I feel cool with how I interact with people on this level. No regrets, no regrets.

*sigh*

Although it's probably temporary, I'm going through some serious HIM withdrawal this morning! I mean damn! Who knew that not talking to him for one day would hit me like this?

So yesterday morning, things were cool. Woke up, did my thing. Nothing special. On a normal day, might have sent him a "have a good day" text message. On an even better day, I might have called him as he was on the train headed to work. But not yesterday. It wasn't like a big internal battle, just more like "Today is the first day I'm giving HIM time for ... him..." LOL

Since all the bad stuff had been lifted off my heart the night before, I was able to proceed throughout my day pretty well. None of the feeling mad/sad/confused/disappointed. I think one time in the afternoon, I may have thought of him and smiled, spontaneously. One of my kids caught me smiling, and she smiled back. That was kind of weird, but fun...me thinking of him made someone else smile.

Wow, that's kind of profound...and it's making me a little verklempt right now.... Okay...whew, that's better.

I really, really wanted to get home in enough time to log onto AIM and say hi to him. I didn't want him to think I was being MEAN and had blocked him off of AIM. I mean, I don't THINK he'd think that, but then again maybe he did. I might. Would I? I don't know.

See how neurotic I am? Welcome to my daily existence.

So since I didn't get home until after he got off work, missing him on AIM, I felt a little disappointed, but thought it was for the best. Gotta give him his own time to work things out without interference.

Continued with my day, chatted a lot, returned a lot of emails, got a posting in my guestbook from a homophobe, and watched some MTV. By the end of my evening, I was tempted to send him a text message, but it was late, and AGAIN, wanted to give space.

I slept well....I was kinda cold, but it was a good night.

But NOW? Got damn I want to talk to him....not for any particular reason, not for any declaration of love, not to even ask "do you miss me." I'm just USED to talking to him....it's weird not calling or receiving his call.

I like him. I don't really want to be without him.

I hope I get home earlier today.

You know how you have a dream but you don't remember it until later on in the day? It almost feels like you didn't have a dream, but something left an impression on you? I've had some kind of dream about him twice this week, but I can't remember ANYTHING about the dream. It's just like all of a sudden while walking to work or eating lunch, I remember.

It's weird.

I wanna have you
'Cause you're all I've got
Don't wanna lose you
'Cause it means a lot
All the joy this world can bring
Doesn't give me anything
When you're not here ...

Idiot me
Stupid fool
How could you be
So uncool?
To fall in love with someone who
Doesn't really care for you
It's so obscure...

But I feel...
Wonderful
Yes I feel...
Wonderful

Got it makes me be so blue
Everytime I think about you
All of the heat of my desire
Smokin' like some crazy fire
Come on here
Look at me
Where I stand
Can't you see my heart burnin'
In my hands?
Do you want me?
Do you not?
Does it feel cold baby?
Does it feel hot?

I wanna hold you
And be so held back
Don't wanna need you
But it's where I'm at
Thinkin' bout you every day
How come I was made that way?
It's so surreal...

But I feel... wonderful
Yes I feel ... wonderful

It's like.....throwing a twenty into a wishing well and expecting change back.....

I wrote this early in the morning on December 24, 2004. It's time to share it:

In my heart, there is a sinking feeling that the conversation is about to happen.

“Rashid, I got your package…we need to talk. I think what you are feeling for me is different from what I feel for you. Maybe we should slow down…just be friends.”

That is both my greatest fear and my only reality. It’s a recurring nightmare that only happens when I’m awake.

It’s tough…sad…ironic, I guess. We’re always told to be ourselves, but for me, being myself has either tuned men off or frightened them away. Or maybe both, who knows?

I have been trying to convince myself that I am trippin’, that I am being insecure because of my past experiences, that HE IS NOT THEM. “If I am myself,” I think, “then he’ll like me, care about me, need me, want me in his life.”

I shouldn’t worry – I am tight, I am together, I write books and shit – but I do worry.

When I was a senior in college, I met a guy from BlackPlanet who was a Senior at Cornell. I thought this guy was GREAT. Dreads down his back, handsome, smart. We talked a lot. Not every day – neither of us had cell phones. We spoke over a few months until we finally decided that I would take the bus to Ithaca to visit him. You know it was crucial if I skipped my senior Homecoming to meet him.

When I got there, day was night and he wasn’t the person I thought he was. Physically, he was the same. Emotionally, he was straight up demonic in how he treated me. I wasn’t feeling well the first night, having been on the road a lot longer than I anticipated. I thought he and I could stay in. This nigga goes out without me and comes back drunk and high. Next day, he tells me he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore.

I can’t believe how much I still remember. He lay in his bed and couldn’t even face me as he told me that I wasn’t all that he thought I was.

That second night he went out and didn’t come back at all, not even to put me back on the bus. I had more quality time with dude’s roommate. (Who, coincidentally, knew some other Georgetown folks from Inroads.)

It seems like I cried all the way from Ithaca to New York City, numb by the time I made it to the Port Authority, an hour late because of an accident our bus had right outside of the Lincoln (or Holland?) Tunnel. When I got back to DC, I barely talked to anyone. I was so angry at myself for falling for someone who had the capacity to treat me so bad. Mad at myself for going all the way to Ithaca to meet someone from the internet. Just mad.

I mean, the shit was reciprocal until we met face to face. To this day, I can only speculate as to what was going on in his mind. Maybe he was repulsed by me in some way – my body is not one of an athlete and I’ve always needed to work out more, tone up a bit.

Or maybe he was expecting more. Fireworks. Magic.

I don’t know. I’ll never know. To make the situation worse, he decided to stop speaking to me entirely. He never once gave me a reason why. After I thought the smoke had settled, months later I emailed him. He asked me not to contact him again.

That was over four years ago now. Am I over the situation? Good God, yes. I don’t want that boy! Who wants a fuck up? I don’t miss (or remember, for that matter) how he made me feel. I don’t miss the poetry or his soft, kind words. They’ve been replaced by the sour memories who he really is. That’s permanent.

Yes, I am over the situation, but I acknowledge it as a starting point. It was the first time that I had strong feelings for someone (and it was reciprocated at first!) and that’s how I got treated.

I used my experience with him to learn, grow, and not make the same mistakes. I became better at reading people, or so I thought. Hell, that experience even brought me closer to my mom.

Thing is, just because I had one fucked up experience doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have more. Although I learned lessons, it doesn’t mean that what happened to me was my fault. Some things you just can’t predict.

So at 3:15am, these are the things I think about, even writing it out in long hand in case I talk myself out of posting it to my blog.

I sit here watching/listening to “Sign O the Times” and wondering why he hasn’t called me back.

I try so hard to be logical when it comes to him. I try to look at his actions and let them speak on his behalf. BECAUSE I AM INSECURE! I know that he is not them. I tell myself that damn near every day. I’ve met him at an entirely different point in my life. I am mature, focused, seasoned, driven. I’ve written two books and I’m about to publish one. I’ve written hundreds of poems, I’ve got a website, and I’m finna blow up! I am trusting, but cautious; loving, but temperate; as open and honest about my feelings as I ever was, if not more.

Which is where everything usually falls apart…

Not too long after the Cornell situation came and went, I found myself in another situation that was even more passionate and with a further distance. He’s my friend.

Our dance lasted for months, then years, with periods of bitter silence, then months of magic. I love him. But I promised myself I’d never love him again, especially since he never loved me in the same way.

Hold up. How in the hell did I find myself in that situation? Didn’t I learn before?

Well, this was different. This guy…my friend…we have a mutual friend. That’s really how we met. None of this BlackPlanet “I’ve never met you but I’m in love with you” bullshit. It’s so much different when you’ve “known” the person through your friends for years.

Didn’t make the situation less fucked up though.

Since my hand is cramping – and out of respect for my friend – I’ll summarize the whole sordid affair this way:

Everyone who loves you isn’t good for you. Some people who think they love you can’t, not in the way you really need to be loved. And they might just REALLY love you, but you’ve got to see the signs. Listen with your heart and your mind. If you can’t accept everything about the one you love, you’ve got to let them go! Expecting them to change for YOU is foolish and toxic to your relationship.

I loved him, but I should have run.

I’ve learned, though, a lot. I was hurt deeply and lastingly by actions and inactions, but I also recognize my own culpability in the situation. I wanted things to exist that weren’t there – he behaved as though something was there, when there wasn’t. A bad combination indeed. He and I both created reciprocity where there was none, if you can understand that. I liked being loved, he liked loving, but the motives were wrong.

Wow…did I just admit that I was wrong about something?

I love him. I’ve spoken to him every day since we first met. His voice comforts me. I like him. I think he’s smart and witty as well as very handsome. I like that fact that he wants everything “just so” – a bit of a perfectionist. I admire his independence. He is devoted to his friends. What’s more, though, is that I DON’T like everything about him – that’s how I know I love him! I think he’s a picky eater! He’s a little curt sometimes! And dammit, why must he have so many friends?! I haven’t created some utopia around him…if we were to get together, seriously, commit and all that, it wouldn’t always be good times. There would be battles. But I’m proud of myself for not recreating him as a demigod.

I accept these idiosyncrasies because they are part of who he is. I don’t expect him to like Indian food just because I do. I don’t expect him to be Mr. Nice Guy just because I am Mr. Sensitivity. And I wouldn’t dare expect or demand that he lose a few friends. I like him BECAUSE of all those things. And I hope he likes me for me, because I’ve shown him nothing but that.

The problem is that he knows I love him. ARGH! Now what would I want to go and tell him that?

But I do. I do! Not on some old “in love” bullshit, I don’t even know if I believe in that. But do I love him? I look at my actions. I listen to my thoughts. Yes, yes I do. I would not behave in the way I do if I wasn’t loving him.

Since my greatest insecurity is rejection, and my heart is now on my sleeve, my fears are dictating that it’s only a matter of time before he says “Hold up partner…” and tells me he’s not feeling me like THAT.

I KNOW he’s not THEM. But THEY were all different from each other, too.

Are they all THEM?

Either I am really tired or that was pretty damn deep.

So, for now, I wait. I trip. I talk to him, then I wait some more. Either I will be told that I’m not being felt all like THAT, or something else.

And considering the former is all I know, I can’t even tell you what the “something else” could be…

Okay, my stomach is REALLY doin flip flops, and it ain't stress! I think it's because I drank a big old thing of sparkling cider for no apparent reason after dinner.

[brief hiatus to run BACK to the bathroom]

Okay. So upon further reflection, I have decided that maybe it's stress after all. Yes, I did drink a lot of sparkling cider for some unknown reasons, and no, I don't normally even drink apple juice, which they say will make you wanna go. But yeah...it was a rough day for the kid.

Things are pretty much pfft with me and him.

God man, I love him.

Now, those of you who read this know I'm not going to put his business out there. Even though this is a public diary, some things need to stay sacred. But I want to be with him...bad...and it's just not happening.

Fuck, my stomach hurts.

It's cold comfort to hear that it's really not me. And in a way, I know it's not my fault, but I still feel like whatever I had going wasn't enough to keep him, wasn't enough to make him feel like the whole thing was worth working out with me and not without me.

Maybe I shouldn't have eaten the Skittles. Or the Peach Rings.

Maybe I should have hung in there a little longer, but why? I know how the fuck I feel....and I know how I feel when my calls aren't returned. To do so much for one person -- shit, why do I do that? Throwin motherfuckin twenty dollar bills into wishing wells....

I love you
          because you made me
                      want to love you
          more than I love my privacy
                      my freedom         my commitments
                                 and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
          to love you

How can I give somebody space and time when that's how I feel? Nikki Giovanni knows.

All I can forsee now is throwing myself back into LAZARUS....I got books to write, books to sell. No fuckin point in giving energy, time, stuff to someone when it ultimately won't come back. I'm keeping my twenties from now on....walking right on by those wishing wells, thank you very much. It's 2005....I ain't got time for reruns from 2000.

I'm sad as fuck, I ain't gonna lie, lol. And I don't know where I'm going from here with HIM. All I can do is guard my heart from now on....more than ever before.

You know I don't want to be without you...but if you were me, what would you do?

So I woke up and my stomach STILL hurts.

I am trying to eat some crackers and drink some water before I go to work because on Wednesday, I got pretty dizzy for some reason. I assumed it was because I hadn't eaten anything yet, so I ate my lil breakfast bar and felt better. So logically, if I ate BEFORE I got to work, I wouldn't feel dizzy, right? Plus I know I am a little dehydrated.

At 7 or so, I will decide whether I am going to tell my principal I need to leave early.

I didn't expect him to call last night. I was actually pretty wrapped up in ER so I didn't really remember to be neurotic about his call. It would have been nice, but jeez, what am I thinking? I all but told him there wasn't anything else to talk about. So I shouldn't expect his call. Should I?

This really fucking sucks.

One thing I've learned over the years is that just because somebody doesn't talk to you doesn't mean they aren't thinking of you.

Which is a pretty lame axiom. Fuck thinking about me, call me dammit! lol. In general, that is. If he called me, what would I even say? I don't know.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want from him right now or in the future. This is really hard.

So him sent out a little joke email about valentine's day.....I took that thing so seriously. Ugh. It's like somewhere inside me I was like wow, maybe I can be his Valentine FOR REAL! Oh boy!

Yeah right....what was I thinking? I went to sleep and woke up kicking myself.

I internalize EVERYTHING.

*****

I have a cold. I'm not working today. That's a day's pay down the crapper.

Maybe I can find ways to sell copies of this novel....

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and trying to explain to him the depths of despair that I was in. I felt so bad yesterday -- I couldn't even talk without coughing. Everything I said was a whisper. I haven't been able to do ANYTHING since last Wednesday. I thought talking to this friend would make me feel better somehow. You know how I said earlier that being sick reminds me how alone I am? Well I assumed -- hoped, rather -- that this would be the one person who makes me feel less alone. I was very worried that I would lose my sub assignment if I was sick any longer -- it's happened before.

I got off the phone feeling worse. I didn't feel like he really knew what to do or say to make me feel better. I know he can't give me cough syrup or tuck me in bed -- I know he can't/won't come in from out of town to take care of me. I wanted to hear so much from him. I wanted him to say all that bullshit you tell the person you love when they're feeling down: "If I was there, I would....." or "Don't worry, if you lose your job you can sell poems on the street for a dollar" or...I don't know.

I guess he wouldn't know unless I told him. And if I tell him, it would be with the hope that he would change. And why should I ask him to change for me? Has he yet?

So I got off the phone with him and coughed. Then I prayed. All week I had been praying for God to heal me. Then for some reason, I prayed for something different -- I prayed for strength.

And you know what? I think it worked. Before I even put head to pillow last night, I was feeling better. I was pretty sure I wouldn't feel well enough to work, but I was hopeful. I looked at my phone and knew he wouldn't call me back -- he didn't, and I was cool with that. I'm not relying on him to give me something he can't or won't.

Of course I'm sad because this is another blow to us. Another sign that it was probably never meant to be. Another sign that you can't make someone to be something they aren't. You can't make someone work for something YOU think is worth having -- even if that something is you.

I still cough, but I feel better.

Last night, I talked to him for the last time.

I told him I had a lot on my mind, like being sick, missing my event at American, and other things.

What else, he asks.

I told him that a friend of mine (M) has a big mouth, and if he wants things that he says between the two of them to remain in confidence, then he needs to explicitly tell M that.

He said he didn't tell M anything that he considered private. I said I know you didn't, I'm just telling you that it gets back to me. You know, it's really frustrating and really hurts when you hear your friend say "He really likes you, Rashid! It's just that he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship right now. He thinks you're a sweetheart, and he wasn't relationship oriented before, but now he is. He just needs somebody to be with him in Philly."

Excuse me? First of all, you think I don't know this?

Second of all, why the fuck are you having conversations about me? Not saying that isn't allowed, but at least pick a friend who isn't going to run back and tell me. I know that conversations will occur, but don't involve me in them.

And finally.....nigga, if you're not relationship oriented, how the fuck did you get in one before me? Unfortunately, I never did get to address that point, because in the end it was irrelevant.

I told M that if he didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship, he should have never pursued me at all! Dare I say he was relentless in the beginning? Fuckin asshole.....I told him at the outset that I'd probably never date someone like him even if I was in Philly, quite simply because he's not OUT and I am a big gay writer writing big gay books. I mean come on.....how can I date someone whose friends don't know? Whose family doesn't know? I can't....I can't do it.

But he told me not to count anything out, to see where things lead. And against my better judgment, I did. And I liked him. I liked him a whole hell of a lot and I was quite glad that I ignored the fact that he wasn't an out and proud gay man.

In fact, he's bi. Damn, I really forgot he's bi. I guess I was on this "love the person, not the sexuality" thing.

So after I told him that M has a big mouth, I found it in me to tell him that I was frustrated. I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to be "just friends" when we were NEVER EVER EVER just friends. Were we just friends when I got my first graders sing to you over the phone after you fell down the steps and sprained your ankle? Were we just friends when you told me you just wanted to hold me, lay with me, talk to me all night? Were we just friends when we beat our dicks and listened to each other come over the phone?

Didn't think so.

So how can I get to a "just friends" place when that was never my objective, and wasn't his until recently?

He asked me what I wanted from him. I told him he couldn't give me what I wanted. I want you to love me, I said. To give what we had a fighting chance. But in abscence of that, I want you to leave me alone.

A little more was said -- can't quite remember what or in what order, but the last thing I rememeber is asking him if he felt like he and I would ever have a chance. He said "I don't know." I said well when you do know, you know how to contact me. It's not fair to expect me to be part of your life, feeling how I feel and getting nothing in return. Then I said I'd talk to him later.

I don't quite feel "sad" but I don't feel extremely happy, either. I know that this is something I should have done a long time ago, because I feel like his mission was just to maintain a situation in which I didn't hate him. Understandable, because no one wants to be hated. And hell, look at me -- if I was him, I wouldn't want the door completely closed on a future with me.

BUT, if I really was him, I would have never let me go. I would have never let a paltry distance like the space between Philadelphia and DC come between something special. I got sick of hearing about how much money he was spending on himself and not on investing in us. I don't want to hear about your Sidekick II or the neckties or the trips or whatever the fuck else you're doing with the money from your two jobs when a train ticket to DC costs HOW MUCH and you STILL haven't made the trip? Nigga, that's some bullshit. If you was gangsta, you would have BEEN taken a day trip to see me. If you was gangsta, you would have sent me a card -- get well card, hello card, something. I guess I'm just mad about how much I put out to prove to him that I was for real and how very little he put out to manifest how he felt about me. But as I said to him last night, I can't EXPECT anything from someone who just doesn't feel the same way! D'uh! I got NOTHING from someone who feels NOTHING!

Makes sense, right?

So in the end, he was just another nigga. Sucks to be me, but I can do better.

Amazingly, I'm not sad.

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

That was "I Can't Make You Love Me." PEACE

So last night I had a dream about W. Ellington Felton. It wasn't erotic or romantic in any way. But I did have this school-boy type of squeamishness in the dream. I seem to have been all "aww shucks" when I was around him.

In real life, yes, I have a boy-crush on W. Ellington Felton. I just really want to be his friend -- isn't that corny? I really like his music and I "get" what it is that he's saying. I listen to him perform live and he reminds me of a few other straight male friends that I have.

I can listen to his music all day, all night, and never get tired. Not too many artists can do that for me.

So even though he's straight, I want y'all in the DC area to support my boy-crush.

I just realized that I ain't gonna get nothin' for Valentine's Day AGAIN!!!

Ugh!

I really like Valentine's Day, too. I appreciate the fact that it's one day out of the year one can be shamelessly romantic and not get clowned for it. It's a day where deep inside, I expect people to come out of the woodwork and tell me "Yo Rashid, I really care about you. Don't ever change. Don't....ever....change."

Yeah, right.

So another lonely Valentine's Day it is. No cards, no candy, no gifts, no singing telegrams, no surprises, no lover, no friend with benefits. No man.

If I had the dough, I'd treat myself to something nice in lieu of having a man. Such as the new School Daze and Malcolm X special edition DVDs. I am so mad I already own both of the regular editions of those flicks, but they came out with special editions that I must get. The way my finances are going, it might be next Valentine's Day before I can afford them. Lest we forget I am still waiting for the Matrix Ultimate Edition or whatever it's called.

I've thought about him a few times. I'm so used to telling him about my day. I don't try to forget him though. Or us.

It is what it is, whatever it is.

The first song I listen to when I get home....why does it have to be "I Can't Make You Love Me?"

You can't make your heart feel something it won't....

It's such a pretty song, even though it still breaks my heart.

Luckily, the next song is "Never Get Old" by David Bowie from the Reality album.

Better take care
Think I better go, better get a room
Better take care of me
Again and again

And I'm running down the street of life
And I'm never gonna let you die
And I'm never ever gonna get old
And I'm never ever gonna get
I'm never ever gonna get
I'm never ever gonna get old
And I'm never ever gonna get
And I'm never ever gonna get
Never ever gonna get old

Today, I recieved the most thoughtful Valentine's Day card I ever could have gotten.

Thw card itself says:

A Valentine's Day Wish
Thinking of you and wishing you...

Thinking of you and wishing you a
Happy Valentine's Day.

"J.C." writes:

"I am a secret admirer, not a stalker. I care about you (a little) to send this card...I am sending you this card to let you know that somebody cares about how you feel and all the things that you are going through....you are a good man with a very sincere heart..."

Emphasis mine.

J.C., whoever you are, THANK YOU SO MUCH. This card made my day. Thank you for helping me to take the sweet with the bitter -- thank you for showing me so much love just for being myself. That really is appreciated.

See? I don't have to be with somebody to have a good Valentine's Day!!!

Valentine's Day has come and (almost) gone without incident. This time last year I was dealing with an asshole. (I've told that story before, but I don't know the name of the entry.)

I am cool on Valentine's Day this year. I am not trippin' because I don't have a significant other. Cuz I got better than that!

I gots me:

1) A secret admirer!
2) A job (kinda).
3) A novel. (I write books, beeyatch!)
4) Friends!
5) And on most days, my health.

My mom got me a few Valentine's Day cards, which I didn't expect! I didn't get her anything, because well, she has a man -- what more could she want? LOL And I guess by me acknowledging the day for other folks, maybe it would remind me that I kinda didn't have anyone? I don't know.

I like Valentine's Day. I think it's cool. I don't think it's all that commercial. It's just a day to remind people to hold their loved ones close. It's not really a family day -- it's a day to just really appreicate your lover, if you've got one. And if you don't, that's cool -- no big deal. It's not like banks are closed today.

Still blown that I had a secret admirer....my boy at work kept saying I had a stalker. LOL, I was like yeah whatever....it's nice having these random acts of kindness.

I think I deserve them.

I got sicker today...started coughing a lot more than I was earlier this week. Problem was exacerbated by some outside stress. Dealt with it, though.

I am about to hop into bed (before 8pm!) but before I do...

I don't know if I am setting myself up in a negative way, but when I think about him, I am really glad he's in my life. I do want to be near him, somehow...on one hand it sucks that I pretty much feel the same way about him as I always have. But...I guess it's better to have feelings that not have them.

Seems like I talked about something like this in my old blog....

I don't like him with the mushy like. I like him with the like of resignation....the like that makes you sigh and just be like "fuck it, i'm just gonna have to like him." at least until someone else comes along. and you kinda don't want that to happen because you can't imagine liking anybody else the same way. and maybe you won't. but that's not a bad thing.

i dunno, i'm trippin as usual.

Tee hee hee. :-D

I apologized to a friend that I had a falling out with and hadn't spoken to since 2003. Didn't do any good though -- she didn't accept my apology or even really say anything in response other than "What prompted that?" I am like damn bitch, does anything "prompt" an apology other than the fact you feel sorry?

But whatever....I did all I could do to rectify the situation. I guess that's what I get for not really believing in my heart that I was wrong.

What actually happened....she and I had a falling out over some of our responsibilities for Maya's memorial service that we had at Homecoming '03. (A prime example of why you don't work with your friends.) It's pretty sad that we fell out over something positive we were trying to do to remember a friend, but at the time I was like fuck this, I can't believe she's.....etc, etc.

I didn't rally hold a grudge against this chick, but I also never really felt any good reason to be her friend again. I still don't, really -- there were plenty other reasons she annoyed me. But I have this habit of not wanting people to think I hate them if I actually don't. I guess it's a bit arrogant of me, but whatever...it's important that people I care or once cared about know how I feel about them.

I don't hate her and I felt bad about the way we separated. That's all. I didn't expect anything to come of the apology -- but I also didn't expect "nothing."

*****

He wrote in his blog about having instant connections with other people. I imagined that this may have been what he felt when he met me, but I knew the blog entry wasn't about me.

It's tough when you know someone is slipping away and there's nothing you can do about it. Some people have the ability to sense instant connections with people they know they will grow to love in some way.....for me, along with this gift comes the inevitability of separation.

Nothing lasts in my world.

Don't be sad for me, you jerks. Just buy the book. If you bought one, buy another.

This is my reality, though. I'm destined to have lots of friends, but when it comes to more, there just isn't anyone out there who is really the one for me -- no one who encompasses all that I need. And when you think you've found it, it gets fucked up.

Inevitably.

Yes I'm depressed you fuckers, lol. Sometimes I get tired of having friends. I want someone in my life who will say "Yes, Rashid, I want to be with you -- wholeheartedly and unequivocally."

I can only take so much of being the afterthought.

I knew a girl named nikki
I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine
She said how’d u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little nikki grind

Come back nikki, come back
Your dirty little prince
Wanna grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind

I am like...I dunno....

So many people love me. Friends. Great friends. I love them, too. It's great. They send me these great emails and call me when they know I'm down. I am so thankful for that.

And, as I said a few entries ago, I have friends who are slipping away. They know they're slipping away. They know it's not the same. And at the same time, I haven't changed. So it sucks to know that you've done all that you can do and it's not enough.

And then you have Dwayne Wayne. Dwayne Wayne is the friend who told you from the outset that they didn't care WHO this nigga was and he'd just better understand that me and Dwayne Wayne had *something* that wasn't going to go ANYWHERE.

*scuuurrrrrrt*

Yeah.....y'all weren't ready for that one, were you?

Dwayne Wayne (not his real name) is just my friend. We've been friends for a while, and we'll always be friends. We don't really want there to be more than that to each other because we're both at vastly different stages in life....and pretty much always will be. But there is still an attraction...

I told Dwayne Wayne a long time ago about him and he was cool with it...curious, but cool. It's funny that it took a conversation about him for me and Dwayne Wayne to really see what we were to each other.

Dwayne Wayne knows I love him. He loves me. We say it to each other and mean it. But it's not off the "ohmygodiloveyouandiwanttobewithyou" kick....it's off the "Wow man, you're like...awesome" kick.

I don't want to "be" with him....I couldn't handle all that he is in large doses. He's not into the quiet life and he's not out. I'm a big gay author writing big gay books -- why do I keep attracting guys who aren't out, lol??? That's just not gonna work. But I do understand his whole rationale for not being out. It would be professional suicide, and I really respect that choice...for now.

But I swear to you....I call him "Dwayne Wayne" because I kinda see myself as the male Whitley Gilbert. No, I'm not a southern priss. No, I'm not femme. It's because I've done so much growing over the years. One day, I do hope to find a great man....like Whitley found Byron. And I want to have the wedding with all my friends there and I want to settle into my life with a handsome, accomplished, progressive man. (Marrying into wealth wouldn't hurt.) But just when I imagine having ALL THAT, just when I am ready to say I DO....who should come to the church but motherfuckin Dwayne Wayne? The one who will mess up ALL the god damn plans, break up the wedding, and ask me "Do you, Rashid? Do you promise to love, cherish....please, please baby please!" And then I look at Byron and look at Dwayne Wayne and I don't know what tha FUCK to say!

...just as he would want it.

Now, I don't think Dwayne Wayne would intentionally mess up my relationship (were I to have one). He has always been respectful of my love life, in spite of our mutual attraction. It's so weird that he and I can acknowledge this attraction and still have other pursuits.

But Dwayne.....he's always going to be there. He's loved me on days that I wasn't quite sure anyone else did. I knew I could count on him emotionally when I really needed it. And we've had our rough patches, too, but we got over them. He's never had a problem apologizing to me -- even when he knew it wasn't all his fault.

And yet I know all the reasons that he and I wouldn't work out. Those reasons are definitely good enough to leave things as they are.

But still....I know he is the one, the only one that could come out of the woodwork and wreck my happy home if I let him.

Which is a good reason to be single....

At any rate, it was good seeing him on Saturday.

So yes, I have an ad on Adam4Adam. I thought it would be fun....might even help promote my novel. So far, it's kinda working. Most people usually ask me about it and I direct them to the site. Those people are cool.

Then there are the people who post nekkid pics of their weiners and buns. I don't respond to those guys.

THEN there are the people who send me smutty messages and expect me to respond!!!! This post is dedicated to the most ridiculous messages I've gotten through these sites.

43 in Motgomery County: dam and your cute everyday smile would love to see u naked

40 in DC: I am new to DC and interested in connecting with another brotha. I am masc and college educated working towards a PhD degree...I am interested. Get back with me.
This could have been a winner had his schlong not been prominently displayed in his profile!

32 in Takoma Park: wassup baby boi
What the hell??? That had no punctuation AND his profile showed his schlong. Gross!

45 in Philadelphia: wassup man im an attractive inshape professional brother with many talents.. glad to send u pics drop me an email address
You are 45. You could be my dad. Perv!

21 in PG County: Sup From Oxon Hill MD 21 Yrs Old 5'10 145 Brownskin Light To Dark Browneyes Bi On DL Vers. Hit Me Up On Yahoo Messenger At *****@yahoo.com AIM *****@aol.com Or MSN Messenger *****@hotmail.com
It wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't just copied and pasted his profile into a message. Some originality, please? Don't be lazy.

42 in Raleigh: YOU ARE A VERY NICE LOOKING MAN WISH U THE BEST IN WHA EVERE U WANT
A nice message but sheesh....at 42 can we add some punctuation and release the CapsLock key?

24 in DC: Sup man? This your boi "D" hitting u up. This aint my page this is my best friends page. But anyway you are the kind of shawty a nigga would like to chill with from time to time. Stats: Light complexion, 32w, regular cut, average body build, 145lbs. Official nigga for sure. Get back at your boi when you get this. O yeah, I have pic(s) to send email me at *****@yahoo.com
Extra line breaks were removed. Okay, first of all, Adam4Adam is free, why do you have you use the account of your "best friend?" And who has best friends anymore? That quite middle schoolish. And why do I have to be a shawty? What is this, B-Boy Blues? And finally...what in the hell is an "official nigga??????"

60 in DC: I guess I am not the guy for you.
Hell naw, nigga! You 60!!!!!!

I'm definitely not trying to be a snob by posting these....but jeez Louise, why are folks so desparate in 2005??? What is the hell does a 60 year old want with a 25 year old? Okay, well I know WHAT, but ewwwww!!! I just want folks to remember that they are a PERSON behind their screen names. They are thinking, rational, compassionate people, attempting to interact with others who are thinking, rational, and compassionate. Let's put some more thought into our first impressions, folks!

so sensitive......

damn it

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Monchhichi:

And another:

Thank you. That is all.

Have I told you lately how much I love basketball???