Have you seen him?

He looks like this....normal. Not all extra sexy GQ model....not all muscle-bound like a black Lou Ferrigno. He's not hyper-masculine or extra feminine. He's got straight teeth, fresh breath, great hygiene, and a weight proportionate to his height. He's normal. Just right, even.

He is not old enough to be my father or young enough to be my son.

He is outgoing outgoing, not obnoxious; laid back, but not passive or nonchalant; agreeable, not a pushover but not antagonistic; intellectual, but not a know it all.

He has a stable career or at least realistic and attainable professional aspirations. His hobbies and interests are legal and do not physically or emotionally harm him or others. He drinks....responsibly.

He's out to his family and his straight male friends. If he is not a Black gay man himself, he can empathize well.

He has an understanding and appreciation for fraternity and sorority life.

He lives in or near DC and transportation is not a problem.

He believes in God.

Have you seen him?

Posted on May 5, 2007 at 7:32 PM | Comments (0)

Leave me alone!

Leave me alone, you crazy fucking bastard.

Stop emailing me.

YOU HAVE A MAN.

I'm selfish and unfair? Isn't it more selfish to have a man yet continually reach out to me?

I HATE YOU.

You don't even know how to BE a friend, so how can you want a friendship with me? The one time I ever needed you YOU FUCKING STOOD ME UP AND AVOIDED ME FOR A WEEK.

And where were you? Too scared of the world to leave the bed.

GO FUCK YOURSELF and the caballo you rode in on.

Posted on March 29, 2007 at 8:57 PM | Comments (0)

Upon further reflection, I'm sure I did this before.

Posted on January 13, 2007 at 7:47 PM | Comments (0)

Welll....happy new year!

I am back from Louisville! I will probably talk about my convention experience in the next few days, but I wanted to focus on something else.

So last year, I had the pleasure of meeting a man face-to-face that I had known online for a few months prior to that.

As a matter of fact, let's tell the story from the beginning.

Last year, rather, in 05, I got an email from this guy. It was his work email address. It basically was like "Hi Rashid.... my friend _________ told me about your book. I was wondering if we could meet for lunch and I could buy your book?"

So instantly I am like uhhh, gross, he's trying to disguise his request for a date by saying he wants to buy the book! AND he emailed me from his WORK account!!!

So I respond by saying where he could purchase the book and thanks for the interest. I may have said something else about why I didn't/couldn't meet him. I can't remember. But I did think that was creepy.

When I was on A4A the first time around, I "met" this guy again..... he seemed really cool this time around. I'm not sure if he had purchased the novel by then, but he seemed more laid back, less pressed to meet me, etc. I saw his picture for the first time and thought he was handsome. But I once again was turned off because of something he said about DC men.... something like how all DC men are in a rush to be "bunned up" as we would say. How he just wants to "chill" and "kick it." To me, that said he just wanted to fuck something or someone.

Another turn off..... I am definitely in that category of men who would probably seem like I was in a rush to get bunned up, even if that wasn't necessarily the case. I treat dudes how I want to be treated, and that's like a King.

So I knew then that he wasn't "the one."

Fall of 05, I got hired in a seasonal position at this guy's job, but not at a site where we'd ever see each other. I honestly can't even recall if I made the connection that this guy worked there. Regardless, I got the job and somehow we made a friendly connection again.

Then a position became open within the organization that I wanted, and I went for it. I contacted him to let him know, and he was very helpful throughout the interview process. I didn't have any unfair advantages or anything like that, though.

Believe it or not, the first time we met face to face was at my first-round interview. I was like damn, look at this lanky caramel colored specimen.....I love lanky men, y'all, for real. So yes, I was attracted to him.

We talked later, and I told him something off-hand like "Yeah, too bad I am interviewing with this org, I would've loved to take you out." And he says something like "Yeah, I thought the same thing... too bad I have a boyfriend."

*screeeeeech*

Excuse?

So all the times we had talked about "his boy" he was conveniently leaving off the word "friend." I am not naive y'all, really I'm not. He NEVER said anything that implied he was taken -- not to mention, he had but six months earlier implied, no, outright said that he wasn't looking to settle down.

But here he is with some bitch, all bunned up.

I only call the dude "some bitch" because of how I felt at the time. I don't know dude at all. He's probably great.

So, I was disappointed, felt kind of awkward.

He actually interviewed me for my second round as part of a group. I was confident and whatnot, though I probably should have felt even more nervous.

Got the job....

Started the job....

Less that two months later, he quit the job.....

That's when things got complicated. See, working alongside him only made we like him more. I know it sounds trite, but it's true. I just got to see parts of him that I wouldn't have seen over the internet or on the phone. True, I felt he had been dishonest with my by omission about the boyfriend, but whatever, at least now I knew.

But I just liked him more and more and more..... hell, I was keeping a paper journal about it during that period! Me, a paper journal?

May 6, 2006

Lazy day, sort of. I really deserve a lot of rest this weekend.

Why am I so emotional, though?

__________ has been creeping into my mind.

When I see him, I get a very specific school girl crush feeling. I don't look at him, because if I look at him, he'll know. I am happier on the days we don't say much. Yet those are tough days, too.

His broad shoulders, deep voice, strong forearms, long legs...those things comfort me, even though they don't "belong" to me. On Thursday, all I wanted to do was bury myself in his chest, and hold him, and be held.

*****

May 8, 2006

I am glad that ___ is starting today. __________ will hopefully be giving her enough attention where I won't even see him that much.

*****

May 10, 2006

The past 48 hours have been crazy, like I'm in the middle of one big sob.
Yesterday afternoon, __________ resigned.....

[He] took me outside to talk. I asked him "Why are you leaving?" and he told me.

After he explained everything, I told him that I believed he was doing the right thing. I hugged him... Jesus Christ, that was the best hug of my life. He is just the right size. His arms wrapped perfectly around me; my head fit right under his chin and neck...

We headed back to the office and I found the guts to tell him...that the best part of coming to work was also the worst part. That I got to see him, but I had to see him every day. That I am attracted to someone I can't have. And that I had very often retreated from him -- distanced myself to make things less complicated.

To my surprise, he admitted the same. I didn't expect him to say that he was attracted to me, mostly because every day I feel fat and undesirable.

...he said "I'm not supposed to be attracted to you, but I am."

So...that's what it is. I have no intention on going further. __________ has a man, and I am cool with that. I think I just needed to get the feelings off my chest. And I got the bonus of knowing that he felt similarly, yet we're both mature enough to know the boundaries.

But two things made it feel so good.... his embrace, and this:

When I hugged him the first time, my afro was in his face, so I apologized. He told me not to, and that he liked it. Then he put his fingers in my hair and rubbed my scalp.

He did it again after our "revelations" to one another, as we went back into the office. It is probably the most intimate I will ever be with him.

I need to find the man who can make me feel like _________ does: safe, secure, attractive, loved......

*****

And don't you know months later, I felt the same goddam way about him???

I went on a date with a Sigma... yeah, THAT lasted all of a week.

Went out of town several times. At one event, in a sea full of gay black men, not a one seemed to take an interest in me. Couldn't even find one in Atlanta of all places. Went to Ohio, saw hot guys who were straight and hot guys who were gay, but taken.

Just couldn't quite get right in '06. Toward the end of the year, I was supposed to meet ___________ for dinner one saturday. If you recall my entries where I was stood up, yeah, that was him.

I don't know if I mentioed it, but he came up to the job one day after that to find me and apologize. He gave me a ride to site and we just sat and talked and got emotional and..... and it was the same damn feelings, still and again.

By December, I knew something had to give. I wanted him, but I was not about to actively try to wreck his home. As scandalous as I like to make myself seem, I know Karma would have my ass with a quickness.

So not two weeks ago, I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore....I had things I need to work out that I couldn't do with him. And I sent him a poem I had previously entered here, in my blog. Here's a piece to jog your memory:

the knot inside me grows
the more i know
i like you
but you have a man

who certainly understands why i would
because
well
look at you

And that was that.....

I do love him. That's the part that really sucks. I love somebody that can't love me back the way I need it. And let's be real, I've got enough friends. I don't need friends with whom to have a weird sexual attraction with. It ain't even worth it.

So that's what I was doing in 06. All in all, it's not much different from how my romantic life was before.

I just don't think it's for me, that's all.

Now, all that said.....comments have been turned OFF for this entry and I will NOT be entertaining comments or questions about this situation. Thanks. :-)

Posted on January 2, 2007 at 4:11 PM

The Man List

The man list is like this..... and maybe this won't work for everyone, but it worked for me. Thanks to TG for suggesting I create this, and thanks to my years in education for inspiring the rubric model of this.

So I made a list of the qualities I'm looking for in a partner. This is not new. I've had one ever since Kameelah from The Real World: Boston had her list. But I thought that since I'm older and more certain of what I'm looking for, maybe it's time for a new approach.

I made a chart with four columns. The first column lists all the "Content Areas" -- categories by which I can define what it is I am looking for. My first row and "Content Area" is Overall Appearance.

The second column represents the "Minimum Standard" in that content area. This column is key, because it defines exactly what it is I will and will not tolerate in the content area. In the Overall Appearance row, I have listed what I am looking for. I will not share that, because it's personal, but I do have a broad definition of beauty.

I do NOT go into reason why in that column. The NEXT column is "Rationale" which is where I go into the "whys" -- it's important to note why you believe certain things. Force yourself to write them -- you might find yourself reevaluating.

The final column is "Measurement" -- or "How will I know the standard has been met?" This will be challenging for non-educators. What I chose to do is write down what I might hear or see if the standard has been met. If I have a Content Area about the potential partner's hobbies, and I list that they cannot have been incarcerated, then my measurement might be "Votes during elections."

I know, it's weird, I'm neurotic, so what? LOL

I know what I'm looking for at least, and I believe that person exists and is attainable.

Posted on December 20, 2006 at 5:57 PM | Comments (1)

How Are You Defined in the Sex Dictionary?

Rashid Darden -- [adjective]: Smelling like unscented lube all of the time 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Posted on December 12, 2006 at 1:17 AM | Comments (1)

Why I Rejoined Adam4Adam

No good reason. LOL

When I left my job, I had lots more free time. So I rejoined, hoping to meet new people and continue to promote my work. Hey, that really worked the first time I was on A4A.

I have a really good profile, if I do say so myself.

But bamas still don't read. I put an age limit, and half the people who respond say dumb shit like "Well, I guess I am beyond your age limit..." Why why would you waste your time writing me, monkey?

Shaaah!

It doesn't annoy me as much as it once did, though. Everybody on A4A just wanna be loved, I guess, even the ones who say they just want sex. They want to be loved most of all.

Posted on November 21, 2006 at 11:30 AM | Comments (1)

The Crush Makes Everything Alright

As you read this entry, listen to "Crush" by Zhane. It helps!

I have two things to say tonight....one specific, one broad.

Specifically, my whole life was made tonight....why? Because I got to see my Crush.

*sigh*

*swoon*

It's Homecoming Weekend for the Hoyas, and I went to this happy hour thing at the Black House. I really enjoyed it this year, maybe even a little better than previous years. There were so many people there I knew by face, but not necessarily by name. And I liked that because it's like wow, all these Black Hoyas in one room...college educated....I love it!

But the icing on the cake was within one minute of me coming in the house....around the corner came my Crush.

*sigh* and *swoon*

*cheese*

I've known this guy since I started college....1997.... and during my Sophomore year was when I was like wow, I am really crushing on this dude. But he was straight, and to my knowledge still is, lol. But I used to love just sitting on the bench and talking to him. He was so complex to me...not at all what people categorized him as.

The cadence of his voice....his hands....his eyes....his genuine concern for my welfare....his tacit support of me, all that I was and am.

And I've always been a sucker for anyone I had to look up to -- literally. I love tall men.

Yet, he was just a crush, because he was straight. And is.

The crush I had on him was not painful -- it wasn't like how, this year, I became attracted to a man who already had a boyfriend. It was those moments where you and he stare at each other, then look away, then stare again.

No, this was a cold, hard crush. Liking somebody so hard that just seeing him makes your day go better.

Now, more broadly:

I think every gay man I know is feeling me when I say that crushes are especially hard on us. See, I don't know about everyone, but for ME, I crush on the one hundred percent inaccessible dudes. Those dudes that are so unabashedly straight. So masculine, sometime even macho....

Dudes I can't possibly have.

Dudes with families..... hey, there is nothing more attractive than seeing a single father handling his business!

Straight dudes.....I love them so.

On one hand, they are the best dudes to crush on, because you can crush on them from afar in perpetuity.

But on the other hand, gosh it fuckin sucks to like straight dudes because it messes up your personal barometer for relationships with gay men. I was discussing this with a friend this weekend, as a matter of fact. We asked each other damn....are we chronically single because in essence, we WANT a straight man?

What is it about a straight man that is so appealing to me?

Part of it is masculinity. I personally don't want to date a man who is more femme than I am. And I'm not femme really..... sure, I might say "gert" or "chile" every now and then, but I think I'm pretty "normal" on the gay spectrum of feminine to masculine tendencies and affectations.

Part of it is an orientation toward family life.... straight men are sorta bred to be fathers....part of a unit.... straight men are expected to become part of a duo, and eventually a trio or more, depending on how many kids they have. I LOVE THAT because I want a family myself. It's almost like once a man commits to a gay lifestyle, it becomes harder and harder to find relationship role models who match the paradigm of the nuclear family, especially among black gays.

Straight men satisfy the need I have to be protected...to have someone who says "Naw....I got this." And it also goes back to my preference for tall men. Tall men make me feel safe and secure.

I guess part of my life as a writer is so independent....I have to wear so many hats on my own behalf. And sometimes I'm just like GOSH can't I get a break? No, I don't necessarily want someone who is gonna get me foot massages, get me the evening paper, and fix dinner..... I want that manly man who is gonna go out and KILL dinner for that night. LOL!

This entry is rife with generalizations....so forgive me. I know not all straight men meet these criteria, and many gay men do. I'm just trying to get to the heart of the matter.....

Don't worry..... I'm not chasing pipe dreams....and I generally accept people as they are.

But as the guy with the boyfriend told me.... I have pretty high standards. Realistic? For the patient, yes. I do think there is a guy out there for me who is everything I'm looking for and more. He's going to give me those butterflies that my straight crushes give me.

I'm open for it....not rushing it....

I just better not be damn 85 years old when it happens!

Posted on November 4, 2006 at 9:08 PM

What About Love?

Is that me who's floating away?
Lifted up to the clouds by a kiss,
Never felt nothin' like this.

Is that me I don't recognize?
Love's the one thing I knew all about,
I had it all figured out.

But what about trust?
What about trust?
What about tenderness?
Tenderness?

What about tears when I'm happy?
What about wings when I fall?
I want you to be
A story for me
That I can believe in forever.

And what about
What about
Love?

"What About Love" from The Color Purple -- the Broadway musical.

Posted on October 4, 2006 at 6:56 AM | Comments (2)

Stood Up!

Well, I had a lovely dinner on U Street last night at a place called Sula Thai. I had satay (chicken on a stick with a peanut dipping sauce) and pad thai. It was my first time having fresh, "real" pad thai, though my Little once made me some, and she's half Thai, so that counts for something.

I ate alone.

See, I called up a friend on Friday because I was going through some things. I told him "I need to see you." I hadn't seen him in months. We chat online every now and then but rarely on the phone. I keep our relationship at a certain level because...well, I'm attracted to him but he has a boyfriend.

I'm not a homewrecker, so I leave him be.

The things I was going through were something he could directly relate to, and I needed to talk to him, face to face, to sort through these things.

"I need to see you...."

"Um, okay, where is this coming from?"

"...." and with that I explained the importance of seeing him to talk about this.

Now I know some of you are thinking perhaps I wanted to see him because I'm attracted to him....it's not even like that. This thing I'm going through is so unique that only he could identify with it and he could give me some good advice.

Plus, he's my friend.

So he said sure, he'd see me. We decided to meet at Ben's Chili Bowl on U Street -- it was a reasonable location for me, the carless, and he agreed to come into the city. 5pm, we said.

I also had to work until 4pm, so that gave me time to get there. Well, turns out we were done before 4, so I was down there by 4:10. I walked about U Street and ended up buying me a juice from The Mocha Hut, which was very nice on the inside but had no free seats! EVERYBODY had a laptop (including me).....which kind of disappointed me for a few reasons. One, what if I had a date and wanted to eat? There were NO seats for two people....just lots of single people taking up all the damn space with their laptops and work. I dunno, I think that's a bit rude. Then, I mean if U Street is supposed to be part of this new cultural renaissance, there sure isn't a whole lot of...mingling. I dunno, it was quiet or somethin. In terms of atmopshere, Busboys and Poets had more hustle and bustle.

So I waited for a table outside to get freed up, after considering asking somebody if I could share their space. I really wanted to just sit down, sip my juice, and wait to go back to Ben's to meet my friend. I whipped out my laptop and started typing some notes for an upcomign project.

After a while, a dude with an Alpha Phi Omega lanyard keychain sat down at a table across from me and started talking to some dude. As I got up to leave, I said "Alpha Phi Omega?" and he was like "Oh no, these are just my friend's keys." And I was like "Oh, I see. Well, I'm your friend's brother. Have a good one."

I should tell you that my friend doesn't have a cell phone, which is important to why I got stood up.

So I'm at Ben's, I peep inside, don't see him, and I begin waiting around in front of the Lincoln Theater. I'm wearing my Batman t-shirt, partially because it's black and gold and partially because since I've lost a little weight this year, it fits a lot better than when I first bought it.

This guy who I assume is homeless saw my shirt and was like "Hey, Batman! Batman rocks!" and then he threw the universal "rock n roll" sign, which to some of you is the Sigma sign, lol.

I smiled and hoped that he didn't ask me for any change.

I waited ten minutes and called Shari.

"Shari, he ain't gonna come."

"No, he's not. Because he's a bastard. TEE HEE."

She and I are sarcastic like that. We laughed....I don't know what inside me didn't think he was coming, but I hoped he would prove me wrong.

Called my mom at 5:30.

"Mom, like, how long should I wait for somebody who's agreed to meet me for dinner but doesn't have a phone where I can reach him?"

"He hasn't called?"

"Naw."

"Well, wait fifteen more minutes, then go on about your business."

I knew she would say that. I also knew from watching Noah's Arc that I'd probably be kept waiting 45 minutes....alone...on my birthday. (LOL it's not really my birthday though)

So 45 minutes seemed fair. To be waiting on U Street for a friend who agreed to meet me to help me work through some things.

Obviously, I got stood up. I called Shari back and told her I was going to Sula Thai. And that's just what I did.

The food was good. I wasn't too depressed or anything, just disappointed. Very, very disappointed.

Thinking to myself only once or twice "Why does this always seem to happen to me?"

Stood the fuck up.

On the upside, I had some good Thai food and really really enjoyed being on U Street! Let me tell you -- that place is the black DuPont Circle. You can't tell me all those old black men walking in pairs weren't married! (To each other, that is.)

I feel like I got some looks from some of the younger dudes, too. Ones in their 20s or 30s. I was like whoa, you look straight than a mug, are you looking at little old moi?

I mean, nobody approached me, which is fine, but it was nice to be looked at, and to look back.

I haven't heard from my friend. I could assume a lot of things.... maybe he's sick, maybe his boyfriend is sick. Maybe he had car trouble. Maybe he lied to his boyfriend about where he was going and got hemmed up. Maybe the boyfriend doesn't trust him around me.

I don't know. All I know is that I needed somebody and they weren't there for me. All I can do is be disappointed, maybe even talk about it with him, and move on.

Oh yeah....remember my birthday dinner? He was a no show for that, too. Didn't even mention it until a month later.

....shame on me.

Posted on September 24, 2006 at 9:21 AM | Comments (2)

why do people do this?

ringring

Me: Rashid Darden. (I'm at work)
He: Hey, wassup.
Me: Nothing...who is this?
He: This is the man that shoulda been yo daddy.
Me: Whaaaaaaa?????

So it was actually this cat I was/am/usedtocouldgetitsomewhatstill feeling. But he has his own live in boyfriend. Anyway, he called me at my job to tell me I was on his mind.

UGH, don dooo dat! (And you gotta say it like secong grader would)

I'ma need you to send me emails or IMs....but when you got a man, don't call me homie...not at work....you know what the deal is. It needs to be as easy as possible for us to be friends, and I can't do that if I am hatin' on your man.

Ya dig?

Was talking to frat about an unrelated situation and he challenged me to keep holding out until I found "the one"...that person that makes me feel butterflies. And I was like "Well what if it's just gas?" lol

But then he very logically said that I HAD to wait for "the one" because what if I settle and then "The one" comes along?

I was like damn, true.

Soon after that, I told him that the "ones" for me have always been really talented, really brilliant men. Like, ultra uber talented people. So much so that recently, I decided that it must be talent that I am attracted to moreso than....well, let's say that talent plus looks equals a smitten Rah-Rah.

I look back on the great loves i've had (whether reciprocated or not) and I see that they either were already on top of their game or had extraordinary potential to be such.

So yeah, that means my standards are very high. It also may mean that my current environment isn't conducive to meeting a lot of people like that.

Take for example last month....I was told that a lot of folks (at an event I attended) were "afraid" to talk to me. I was like are you serious, why? And apparently it's because I wrote a book.....I am like are you kidding me? I wrote a book to GET a man, not scare them away!!!! LOL jk

But it's interesting. I guess it means I'm looking for someone with confidence on top of everything else.

Confidence is exactly what my mystery caller has, on top of sex appeal, a good heart, etc. He just also happens to have a live-in boyfriend.

So, whatever. I'm not one of THOSE men who chases other people men. That's not a good look for anyone.

Still waiting, still searching. Going to the movies today with a new buddy. Not expecting anything but a movie. :-)

Posted on August 26, 2006 at 6:14 AM | Comments (0)

intimate moments

ugh. in another mood.

I was talking to an online friend of mine on the topic of putting a dude behind you once and for all. and I told her all I really knew about was time and distance.

lord knows.....I still love the man I knew last fall. no matter what was said, no matter how hurt I ever felt, and no matter what I said in reaction to anything that..... I still love him.

he doesn't love me though. positive of that.

intimacy is a blessing, and there were some couples on showtime that were making my heart ache. like damn, will I ever have that? like, in my twenties?

then.... just got off the phone with montre, who is straight, but was mentioning how there seems to be so few gay black relationship role models, and how gay black relationships don't last.

sigh. although I did talk to him about how I have seen successful gay black relationships, it was the lack of visibility that was the problem.

alas.... I still felt sad.

I'm giving up on this entry cuz I'm so tired

Posted on August 14, 2006 at 1:05 AM

no call

well, no call today. I didn't obsess over it though.

(you may notice that I am blogging more often. shit's a lot less hectic at work.)

I reckon there's nothing much to add. diddy, I really appreciated your comments. I never really viewed myself as having balls in this particular situation, but I guess I have to have that if I ever want to be happy.

later for now.

Posted on August 8, 2006 at 10:30 PM | Comments (1)

i am a punk

so I talked to my girl today, and explained to her the situation with home skillet, who, thanks to her, will henceforth and forever be known as LIVIN LEGEND or just LEGEND for the purposes of this blog.

I was sooooo scurred to call him! I mean, calling somebody's job to ask them out....sheesh. but as my mom said, when I explained the situation to her, "aww what tha hell!" and basically that I should just do the damn thing and ask him out.

but of course, when I called, he wasn't there. well, that's because my dumb ass waited until quarter to six to do so.

d'oh!

so I left a message asking him to call me when he got a chance. if I don't hear from him in two days, then I will send a follow-up email. after that, its done.

but yo, my hand was seriously shaking when I made that call!

it goes back to being attracted to extremely talented men. on some level, they intimidate me. oh yes, i'll make the phone call, ask them out, and have a great time. but I will be shitting bricks the whole time.

so yeah....livin legend....we'll see.

Posted on August 7, 2006 at 6:13 PM | Comments (2)

The Queernet

So last night I got online and started telling Diddy about this guy I met. The problem is not trying to determine whether the guy is gay (which is usually my number one obstacle -- blasted straight dudes!) but moreso trying to determine whether he is involved with anyone.

It's a tricky situation. It's not like dude is your average mail carrier or bus driver. It's kinda important that I find out as much as reasonably possible before I step to him. There could be consequences and repercussions if this isn't handled delicately.

So I tell Diddy these things (and more) and he's telling me to use the Queernet. Which is basically another word meaning "ask the gay folks you know -- ONE of them must know him."

And ordinarily, this usually works. I've never really knowingly and aggressively used my Queernet....it just sorta happened that somebody knew somebody who knew somebody. Happened quite a lot last year among the gay black blogger boys. Happened an awful lot (and still happens) when it comes to the Principal. (I don't know if I ever had a code name for him.) In fact, at Convention, somebody told me they knew his best friends. I was like damn....and the next day, he emailed me. That was crazy. I still kinda love him. That sucks.

But I digress.

Bus how the dude I'm trying to get to know isn't even a blip on my Queernet? I am like WTF?

So I am like gonna have to figure out a way to ask him out. That's insane, what am I, like 15? Ugh!

lol

Like I said, it's a delicate situation....

He's cute to me. Slim (they always are, aren't they?)....kinda light skinned. Well, he's lighter than me, which means he's just plain light skinned.

My weakness, as I think I stated within the past few weeks, is really talented men. Like for real, look back on my greatest loves, so to speak, and they are really all high caliber, high quality. And if they weren't at the top of their game, they had that potential. Even dude I went on a date with in January.... degree from a Big East school, in grad school, Greek.... I coulda overlooked the physical imperfections if he wasn't argumentative for no damn reason.

On a related note, so me and one of my soror/friends were talking about relationships and whatnot....actually, this also relates to a conversation I had with a frat during convention....

People really kill me talking about how long it's been since they've had any ass....and it's like two weeks. WTF???? Gimme a break....the last time I had any lovin', I'm sure Another World was still on the air. LOL jk.....but it has been a very long time.

("No wonder he's always in a bad mood" some of my coworkers might say....lol)

Adam4Adam..... been A4A free for a minute now and I don't miss it. For the first month, it was kinda like "Damn, I'd like to see where the boys are...." but now it's like ho-hum, whatever.

Even though I felt some kind of way about not getting any attention when I was in a few situations where I could and should have gotten some. Imagine going to a club (ladies and gay men) and you have brought your A game, and like nothing happens. Nada.

I was in that situation very recently and it's like damn.... I haven't felt better about myself in months, yet for whatever reason, that's not translating to more attention.

Which is cool. Just...strange.

Somebody told me (and I don't know how I feel about this if it's true) that people weren't approaching me because of who I was. Not that I am famous, but I guess I am known among certain circles. *shrug* I just write books. I'm still Rah-Rah.

But back to the Queernet..... hoping to cast my Queernet wider this weekend and find out if Home Skillet has a man. What his story is. Etc.

Posted on August 5, 2006 at 5:34 PM | Comments (0)

Whatever happened to....

I just got in from a sorority conference this weekend. Much love to the ladies of Lambda Psi Delta. Special shout out to Dennis and the bros of Pi Delta Psi.

I am not feeling well. Whatever had been bothering me came to a head while in Orlando and now I feel like I have a cold AND my right ear is all stopped up from the flight. I feel like I can fight the cold if the right side of my head didn't feel like it was underwater.

So I was on MySpace just now, and you know..... I really can't let go of the disdain I feel for people. It's like ill....you STILL suck. And honestly, that's just how I am....I don't forget shit. Ever.

And to be honest....the mutual friends that I have with the people I dislike so much....they get taken down a notch, too.

My line brother used to want to fight dudes who dicked me over. And don't let them be interested in the frat in some form or fashion. My LB would be like "Oh HELL no, he will NEVER be an Alpha." And I'd be like damn homie....it's okay. Really. But that's loyalty for ya.

I wonder what happened to the dude I used to mess with who played Nintendo in his draws.

Well, I did a quick google search. LOL I am so psycho....he worked for the same company as of last summer. That's pretty cool.

Hmmm.....what happened to....

(more googling)

Wow.....he's married. I don't know whether to laugh or cry....this is some Dynasty shit, LOL. Dirty motherfuckin dog.....I'm not even mad for ME, because it's not like I loved this dude. I'm mad that yet another dude on the DL has duped yet another woman.

On that note....

Posted on July 17, 2006 at 12:39 AM | Comments (2)

Challenges

There's a thin line between stepping back and giving up.

I feel like giving up.

***

This goes far beyond the situation with the last dude. By the way, the general concensus is that he sucks. I, for one, don't really have an opinion of him. I expected a whole lot more than what I'm getting. I expected for someone who wants to just be friends to stay in touch.

But I don't really care anymore. I can't expect too much of anything from the men I am interested in.

No, this goes far beyond him.....this goes back to the one who implied that there was something wrong with me if this always happens to me.

***

It's over. Curtains. Quits. I give up.

There's nothing left for me to do. Seriously. Someone today told me that they found themselves in a similar situation to mine and when they simply "stepped back" and focused on themselves, that's when love found them.

My response was a thank you for the advice. And I did appreciate his story. But what a lot of people don't realize is that I do step back. And when I step back, I do it big! Like, when I wrote Lazarus, I was celibate for seven months!

If I step back now, what would be the point? I've retreated so many times and (honestly) come out stronger afterwards. But no matter how strong one gets, rejection after rejection still hurts like shit.

I take the shit personally because it personally happens to me.

***

I was feeding the cats today and wondered if my lot in life was to write books and take care of children and that's it. Like I wasn't made to receive the type of relationship that I seek.

I don't think it's selfish to want more even after knowing and acknowledging that I have a good life. Great friends. A wonderful family. And gifts from God in writing and working with children.

But what if that's all there is? I'm starting to think so.

Don't email me about this please. The comments are off for a reason.

Posted on June 21, 2006 at 7:47 PM

Confused

I just don't understand people.

It's been nearly two weeks (I think) since I last heard from the most recent person I've been talking to. Called him last night leaving a last ditch effort message acknowledging that I knew his phone was acting up (that's what he said last time I talked to him) and that I knew he was going out of town for a while.

But I mean damn.... not even an email? I can understand not texting if your phone is acting up. I am a really understanding type of person, especially if it's someone I care about.

This morning I wake up and get a request to join his yahoo 360 network....which I do....and then I peep the blog entries from a week ago today.

Why, oh why, did I do that? They only leave me with a lot of questions with a generous helping of disappointment.

When you read someone else's blog, especially someone you're getting to know, you ask yourself "Is that me?" You assume that they're talking about you, then you shame yourself for being presumptuous. (I guess that's a taste of my own medicine.)

I guess what I really want to say is that I was really feeling this dude, and it sucks to read (and to know) that once again, the dude I want is unwilling or unable to move forward in the way that I want to.

It doesn't help that his most recent entry didn't seem to be about me at all, LOL......

I could be misinterpreting this WHOLE thing. I acknowledge that.

But it doesn't help that I haven't spoken to him in so long.

I feel like someone who wanted me would find a way.

I need....I need....I need.....it feels like such a selfish statement, but I do have needs that it seems I can never get satisfied.

I need someone to love me. I need someone to come home to, at least figuratively. I need someone I can depend on. I need someone who will tell me he loves me. I need someone who will massage my back. I need someone who will respond favorably to the romance that I bring.

I don't know why all this is hitting me so hard this morning. Maybe because I was already feeling sick and this didn't help much.

I want someone who will care and communicate....care how I feel. Care what I will think. Communicate with me....help me understand what's going on.

I am not trying to levy all of this responsibility on him per se, but I am trying to identify the things I need and have needed through the years that have led to this ultimate point of feeling empty inside. I never felt this empty before recently...very much alone at the end of the day.

It just seems like collectively, the dudes that I fall for can be in relationship to relationship, but when it comes to me they wise up and say they're not ready to be in a relationship, they're not ready to be in another relationship, they're not ready to be in a relationship with me.....etcetera, etcetera.

And he'll probably read this and be convinced that I wasn't the one after all...will be relieved that he found that I was crazy before it was too late....

Posted on June 19, 2006 at 6:06 AM

Lady V and Astrology

So I was talking to Lady Vengeance tonight (like, just now) and she is one of my best friends and a fellow Cancer. Our conversation inspired to to re-read parts of The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need by Joanna Martine Woolfolk.

As anybody who reads this knows, shit just doesn't work out for me in the romance department.

Let me back up for a moment -- you know that I don't write everything in this here diary, and that sometimes I'll just post something that is hella random but means a lot to me at the time.

That Mary L. Blige song I posted a few weeks ago....that wasn't me saying "Hey, I found my everything" literally..... I just wanted to repost the song that came on when I kissed a dude that previous day. Yeah that's extra, that's TMI, but I just wanted to be clear. If you sit and read all my Sex and Romance entries, it will probably look like I fall in love as often as some people sneeze. The real deal might be very similar to that, but not quite identical.

Back to astrology....when I meet a dude who is of an incompatible sign, I give him a chance anyway. Yeah, I am a believer in astrology, but I also believe that two people can work any difference out if they really want to.

But.... maybe I should listen to astrology more often? Last dude I was interested in is an Aries. This book says "These two may start out like a house on fire, but it won't take long for the fire to burn out."

Seems that way, doesn't it? I haven't heard from dude in like a week or more now. I'm not sad....just wondering what happened. I ain't chasin' after no nigga, ever.

One of the great loves of my life (so far) is an Aquarius...."Cancer needs to feel close and secure; Aquarius is a lone wolf." To this day, he's still like that....when we're together, we're tighter than panty hose two sizes small. But it doesn't take long for him to go off on a "speaking engagement" as my mom might say, and next time I hear from him he's in yet another foreign country.

I can see these things coming from a mile away now. If I could, I would just round up all the eligible Tauruses, Virgos, Scorpios, and Pisces and read them page 66 of this book.

How to attract a Cancer.....

All you have to do to attract a Cancer is to be just slightly less crazy than he is and the battle is half-won.

Posted on June 17, 2006 at 9:49 PM | Comments (2)

Why I Left Adam4Adam

But first, a gratuitous picture of me with an afro, taken this weekend.

---

I honestly can't remember how long I had been on Adam4Adam before I finally quit it last week. I guess maybe a year and a half? I joined initially with equal interest in meeting new people and promoting my novel.

When it came to promoting my novel, it was the perfect plan. Mention in my profile that I am a novelist, mention the title of the book, so when people send me a note about it, asking where to get it, I can just direct them to my website.

As I said....the perfect plan.

When it came to meeting new people, I was far less successful. I dated one guy and acquaintanced a few others.

For all intents and purposes, I have never met a crazy person from A4A. I was probably always the less stable one, LOL. The guy I went on the date with earlier this year was actually a pretty cool dude. We were just way too different, and (as I said earlier) you kinda know in the first week what will be the undoing of the relationship. Great first date....never made it to a second.

And I've made some good e-buddies, too.

I don't want to say that "Only one good thing" came out of my time on A4A, because many good things came from it. (And perhaps, one really really great thing, too. tee hee....ta ha.) But these were my final gripes with the site.

1) It was really too dangerous a tool for self-validation. I found myself running to A4A every day to see if anyone knew had hit me up to tell me I was attractive or some other foolishness. And we do this day after day, make small talk, then get turned off by the littlest of things. Not the fault of A4A....but definitely my own fault for getting sucked into the validation trap.

2) People LIE! And of course, people have lied since the beginning of the internet, but I am talking fundamental lies like OUT and NOT OUT. One of my BEST FRIENDS IN THE UNIVERSE is more queer than a football bat. That nigga had NOT OUT! I was like are you shitting me? On other occasions, people have lied about their pictures and even their names. Which leads me to my third point....

3) Read and respect other people's preferences. By the end, I had this big ass list of who I DIDN'T want to hear from and it was longer than my actual profile! And people can't just respect your wishes....nooooo, they feel the need to hit you up anyway and question you on why you're not into older dudes (nigga, why don't you play with the kids your own age!) or the really uncomfortable question "Are you into white guys?" Cuz the only good answer is "Possibly, but not you." Well, for me that was the most honest answer.

So those are my three biggest reasons. I am also entering into a phase in my life where I am pretty much either going big or going home.... if the people who are in my life right now aren't keepers, then it's cool....but I'm not going to jump back into the swing of things right away. I have a VERY busy summer ahead of me and no time for bullllllshizzat. I have a huge writing project ahead of me that I need to get started on, as well as one that needs to get published ASAP.

In an ideal world, I would be sharing my life with one person right about now. And I'm definitely open to the existing possibilities. But if it doesn't work out, I still have things to take up my time.

Ill, that sounds like I was defeated somehow, LOL...and it's so not like that.

I'll put it this way (and thanks to Mark for saying this more eloquently than I did the other day)....artists, from time to time, have to retreat into themselves and recharge in order to rejuvenate themselves. Like other artists who might go on some sort of hiatus, I am reaching a point where I cannot keep go, go, going....I've got to slow it up, change gears, and get my head right for the third novel. I did it while writing the previous two.....and to be honest, I was celibate during one of them jonts. And I was focused, man!

Now....not saying I have to be celibate to write good shit, lol.... but if current situations don't play themselves out favorably, then the writing will still go on.

Dang, how dramatic do I sound? I really ought to stop. I also don't know how the hell I am blogging so much. But at least it's keeping my juices going.

That and reading this good ass Jackie Collins novel, Lovers and Players. Holla!

Posted on May 30, 2006 at 8:13 PM | Comments (20)

Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend

I made the decision to be by myself this weekend, save the wedding of my APO line mate to our prophyte.

I wasn't myself....or maybe I was myself, and it scared me. I had some "issues" with the guy I'm feeling and I dunno....seems like for the first time in a very long time I was just wrong. I guess.

See, I'm used to every single "relationship" I've ever been in ending with "I just don't feel the same way about you" in both actions and in words. Hell, you can read this blog and see how that tends to turn out for me. It hurts. It doesn't hurt less each time it happens. But it happens all the time.

I remember someone telling me that if this happens to me all the time, maybe it's not the other people, but me? Damn, I still feel the sting in that every time I think about it. There are certain people who were in my life that I can't even think about any more. It really fucking sucks. I don't want to live my life like that, but I don't know a better way to get over being hurt than to just not think about it.

Anyway....so when certain things were said to me last week, my mind immediately jumped into defense mode. I felt the Cancerian shell harden around me and words became muffled and ultimately silent.

I was being rejected....wasn't I?

The good thing about this guy is that he (admittedly) talks things out until they can't be talked out any more. And how often have I hoped for someone like that, someone who can communicate their feelings?

But still, I was feeling rejected, no matter how many times I heard "This isn't an ending...this isn't an ending..."

So why did I feel so fucking hurt?

After a day, more talking to him, and some consultation from one of the handful of friends I will allow to tell me that I'm trippin', it was deemed that I was trippin'.

I felt hurt because it was the only way I knew how to feel.

I looked back on everything that was said and came to understand that everything that he was presenting to me was not only everything I ever wanted, but everything I ever needed.

I need to take it slow. "Isn't that what you want?" Shari asked me.

I felt like Boo Boo the Fool at that point.

"Yeah....god dammit..." I said.

I apologized to him....rather profusely, I believe. I felt more wrong in that moment than I ever really had before.

If I feel like I am worth fighting for, I've got to act like I'm worth the fight.

If I feel that I am worth waiting for, I've got to believe that I'm worth the wait.

And if I say that he is worth waiting for -- then dammit, I've got to wait.

This is 2006....no time for lip service.

My fear is that in this time of waiting, I will receive the same output as all my previous attempts. It's not that I am afraid of being alone -- I've handled that quite masterfully after 27 years. And I'm not one of these gay dudes who just proclaims that he's "tired of looking." That's not it, either.

It's just that....with him....he's different. And I'm different. So, it's not the situation or the circumstances, it's literally just him. And all I want is the opportunity to see....

I'm not saying I love him. I'm not saying I'm falling in love with him. When I say "I'm falling" I mean that I am smitten...that I like every little chance I get to spend with him. That I want every opportunity I can to get to know him. That I relish every new fact I learn about him.

And that with each passing day, I find nothing that turns me away. When I say that I am looking forward to spending time with him and getting to know him better, it's because I know that this can only get better and better.

"I just hope he feels the same way" is a phrase reserved for white girls in middle school who are crushing on ninth graders.... I'll be that.

---

This post was supposed to be about how I spent my Sunday, but we got a little off track, now didn't we?

I didn't attend DC Gay Black Pride this year. My official reason is that I had a wedding to attend. My unofficial reasons are myriad, but one that I can share is that after the events with my new friend, I really felt like I needed some time away from people. Time to focus on me...get my mind right, my game face on, etc. (Whatever those things really mean.)

But my friend Drew called me on Saturday and was like "Rashid, where are you, I've been asking everybody where you are and nobody knows!"

I met Drew at last year's Pride. He's a great dude and a wonderful Pride buddy. Well, Drew was looking for Covenant and clearly it's not there, lol. So I was like damn, I ain't know Drew would be in town, so I made it a point to see him after the wedding.

Speaking of people in from out of town, another friend of mine came in from Chicago via Philly and was staying with friends. Now, I knew he wasn't coming to see me particularly -- which was fine, because I had honestly forgotten that he was coming into town for Pride and had REALLY thought he had already come and gone.

Life is hectic, what can I say?

So he calls me at 11am on Saturday and we agree that he would call me whenever plans are firmed up. Saturday comes and goes with no call. So I am like damn....oh well.

Sunday comes and I find myself in Georgetown with a few hours to kill. At first I'm like "I'm going to call him and see if he wants to meet up for a little while." And then I am like "No, because he said he would call when he could." but then I was like, well let me text him and see what the deal is.

Basically, he was at the Pride expo and said he was at the whim of his driver. So I was like alright, I'll just catch you next time.

Now....you know that in Rashid Darden world, that shit doesn't fly without internalizing it. It's just who I am, love it or hate it.

Yes, I feel some kind of way about how that went down. I just think if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have made a way to see my friend. Hell, when I went to Columbus, I saw everybody I wanted to see. You just make these things happen, you know?

The way I am, the way I feel things, yes maybe I am easily offended. But I just REALLY felt like a damn also-ran in that situation.

Sidenote....one of my friends in college got married and not only was I not invited, but she didn't even tell me she was engaged. Do you know what the goddamned consolation price was?

"...but you can come to the ceremony in South Africa! Everyone I care about is invited to that one!"

Like fucking South Africa is right down Riggs Road. WTF???? Miss me with that shit.

So yeah, I guess I am just used to being the friend that will understand if he's not included, the friend who it's okay if you don't make it a priority to see him, the last sonofabitch picked for dodgeball, LOL.

Anyway....yes, I felt some kind of way about that, because if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have made a way to see him if I was in his town.

Damn....off track AGAIN.

Went to a very beautiful wedding that was hot as SHIT! Do Episcopalians believe in AC? GOT DAMN!

I left a card with my Line Mate to take to the reception because I figured I could make it to the M Street Hotel and back to the reception if I really wanted to. I needed to see Drew real quick while he was in town.

Well, the M Street Hotel was the host hotel for Pride and I had forgotten that of all the events that occur during Pride, my favorite has always been just chillin in the lobby. Me and Drew chilled with his friend Larry for like 90 minutes and I was HUNGRY. So I came home and ate.....missed the reception but definitely felt happy that I attended the wedding.

Which got me thinking WOW....I just witnessed two people's covenant before God. That's bananas. This is like the most important day in their lives. It really got me thinking about what marraige actually IS. Why people obsess about who is in the wedding party, where to have it, etc....it's a really big fucking deal.

I have more thoughts about that.....they'll come up at a later time.

Anyway.....this was a real fucking diary entry, wasn't it?

I'm back, bitches!!!!!

Posted on May 29, 2006 at 8:40 AM | Comments (1)

Lesson #6 (Unfortunately learned too late.)

6) Communicate what your needs are.

Posted on May 25, 2006 at 6:40 AM | Comments (1)

Lessons

Here are some quick lessons I've learned prior to this point in my life:

1) It takes a moment to fall in love, but a lifetime to cultivate a friendship.

2) Let your head be the driver and your heart be the navigator.

3) Don't be afraid to fall for someone....the current one isn't the last one, the last one wasn't the first one, etc. Everybody is different. YOU are the common denominator.

4) Be observant. Those things you notice in the first week will be the undoing of the relationship.

5) You can't change people. That isn't your job. Your job is to love and be loved just as you are.

Thoughts?

Posted on May 24, 2006 at 8:12 AM | Comments (0)

Wow.

I Found My Everything
Mary J. Blige

Everything (mmmm)
In you (mmmm)
I found my everything (mmmm)
And I trust in you (mmmm)
I found my...

Can't you see, look at my face it's glowing
And it's all because of you
(Everything)

Everything about ya, ya see I need
And I thank God for sending you through

[CHORUS]
(I found my everything)
Ya see I found, my everything (in you)
In you
(I found my everything)
Ya see I found everything and I (and I trust in you)
I trust in you
(I found my everything)

Ooo, the way you kiss me it's like a real man (mmmm)
I leave the prom when I
Look in your eyes baby (mmmm yeah, every night)
And every night is like a highlight baby
And there's no better keeper than you
Oh, naw naw naw

[BREAKDOWN]
You're someone who
Understands me
Needs to hold me
Really feels me
You're the one I love
You're the one that I need
I knew you'd find me
Stick beside me
Won't deny me
You define me now my world feels so free

[CHORUS]
(I found my everything)
Ya see I found, my everything (in you)
In you (I found my everything)
See I found my everything and I (and I trust in you)
I trust in you
(I found my everything)
Yeah, see I found
Every, every, every, every (in you)
In you (I found my everything)
I found (ooh ooh)
I found (and I trust in you)
I put my trust in you
You

[BREAKDOWN]
Now I know just
What I wanted
What I needed
Where I'm going
I can see much clearer now
I'm glad I found you, you, you, you
I love it when ya
Love me tender
Hold me tight
Through the night
Seems like we met
In heaven before this earth

[BREAKDOWN]
You're someone who
Understands me
Needs to hold me
Really feels me
You're the one I love
You're the one that I need
You won't deny me
Justify me
Now my world
Now my world
Feels...so... freeeeee

This time is the greatest
That I've ever felt before, oh oh (who)
You've given me a reason to smile
Cause I never had a reason to smile before
(I found my everything)
See I found e-everything in you (in you)
Youuuu (I found my everything)
I found my everything in you (and I trust in you)
Yoooou
(I found my everything)
E-e-e-everything
E-e-e-everything
E-e-e, E-e-everything, I-I-I

[CHORUS]

Posted on May 20, 2006 at 8:44 PM

It's been wild.....

It's been a wild past few weeks in this category of my life.

Be that as it may, I like meeting people that I click with, at least initially. I was on the phone sorta late last night talking to a new "recruit" as Beast would say. (Never mentioned "Beast" before, she's a friend of mine.) Anyway, so the recruit is on point so far. Amazingly, we both went to elementary school together back in the mid 80s! Ain't that crazy? We were reminiscing like a MUG!!!

Shan, if you still read this, he remembered the bomb threat and the Ouija board! Bananas!

He's an Aries though, and the big purple book said Cancers and Arieses (lol) don't work out.

If I focus on being a friend, though, it won't matter. I mean hell.

I wonder if I am jinxing it by writing about it so early.

Shit, imagine the shit I don't write about that's doomed anyway, LOL.

Posted on May 19, 2006 at 7:35 AM

Maybe the real issue is...

Do I know what I want at all?

Damn, that seemed so utterly absurd as soon as I typed it....LOL

Of course I know what I want.

Posted on May 7, 2006 at 6:14 PM | Comments (0)

the perfect man...

so, ive know rashid for...geez, i dunno...2 years? maybe?? seems like ive known him forever :-) point is...in that time it amazes me how the men in his life cant seem to get it right!! its not hard to love someone like rashid, i mean...look at him!! lol but seriously, he's a great guy and u couldnt possibly know him and not love him on some level...so ive come up with a list of qualities that i think the ideal man for rashid should have:

1. great sense of humor - u must be able to make rashid laugh, not that its a daunting task, but u cant be dull...cause thats just boring
2. great personality (see above)
3. attractive - shallow? no, not really. u aint gotta be a supermodel, but there has to be somethin about u that catches one's attention. it could be charisma or charm for all i care, but be attractive in some fashion.
4. sensitive - no, u aint gotta cry at the drop of a dime, but u need to be in tune with ur emotions and be able to express/explain them as needed. aint nobody around here a mind reader
5. sensitive - to rashid's needs. cause the man is busy...i dont know if u know this...but HE WRITES BOOKS BITCH! and so he might have days when hes stressed, so...u have to be able to empathize and make sure he's ok, cause he would definitely do the same for you
6. sensitive and understanding - to creative folk. sometimes that passion for the craft can turn us into a passionately pissed off or moody individual. we all have our bad days. understand that, accept that, and be able to help without offending or making matters worse.
7. affectionate - show love. sometimes sayin isnt enough. grand gestures are nice, but i think rashid would appreciate the lil stuff too.
8. communication - u have to be up on ur communication game. im sure uve noticed that rashid is more than capable of expressing his thoughts and feelings in a very honest manner. his perfect man must be able to do the same. if u cant handle that....go read a book...take a couple laps round the non-fiction section in the library...and maybe u can try again later.
9. strong - not physically, well i mean not jsut physically. but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. i think rashid's perfect man should be able to care for him when he's weak, and in that same tone, be strong enough to let rashid take care of him when he's weak.
10. intelligent - it really goes in tune with communication...u dont have to be an ivy league scholar to have intelligence, and with that intelligence comes the ability to carry on a good convo and stimulate rashid's mind. very important.
11. romantic - this also goes with being affectionate. rashid's man would need to be able to come off the cuff with some romantic stuff...just cause. everyone deserves to be loved like that.
12. patient - there was really only one perfect man, and he died on calvary...so the "perfect" man for rashid would need to be patient and realize that we all might make mistakes and be willing to work through things

but when u get right to it, i think that this is the most important quality for rashid's ideal man to have:
13. a friend - i think the best relationships occur when u have a strong friendship. so for rashid, i think his man would have to be able to be his friend. a shoulder to lean/cry on, an ear to listen, a comfort, a relief from the stress, someone u can rely on, someone who understands. thats really where it all begins

did i mention that he had to be sensitive? lol

-storme

Posted on March 30, 2006 at 9:25 PM | Comments (2)

And because I couldn't resist....

2006 USATF Indoor Championships

James Davis

Kibwe Johnson

Milton Campbell

Shawn Crawford

Tony Allmond

Tora Harris

Wallace Spearmon

Wallace Spearmon

Walter Davis

Posted on March 14, 2006 at 8:18 AM | Comments (2)

It's the most wonderful time of year!

2006 Indoor Championships....HOLLA!

Walter Dix, Florida State

Xavier Carter, LSU

1600m relay action

Posted on at 7:28 AM | Comments (0)

Adam4Adam.... again

I must be giving Adam4Adam MAD business!

I would like to say, for the record, that there are some cool people on A4A. I don't think it's a bad site at all. I just happen to think that many people on the site are fucktards.

I met a really interesting cat on A4A earlier this year....things didn't work out romantically, but as a friend, dude gives great conversations and debates. Respect him a lot.

And there's always room for romance. Personally, because of alllll the other things going on in my life, romance is not NECESSARILY at the forefront, but it's not at the backburner either. It's not a race....I don't have to have a man.

That said, I still really do meet cool people on the site. Mad cool.

THIS PERSON, however, is not one of them:

wasup man brother right here tryin gto see wausp with you man,, i live in [deleted] and i would like to get to know you if you don't mind talking to a brother from georgia...so hit me up if you are interested.

I can deal with the slang, typos, and grammatical errors. But the fact is I wasn't interested -- the profile didn't do anything for me. I would have responded with a polite "Hi there!" and kept it moving, but noooooooo. I made the mistake of leaving A4A on all day, so it appeared as though I was logged in. This bama said:

danm you could have said something

Well I mean DAMN! Give a brother a chance to settle in good!

Since some of you schmucks must own stock in A4A and insist people who think like me need to get over ourselves, I am gonna close comments on this entry. Just add this to the list of reasons why I go to A4A to laugh.

Posted on March 7, 2006 at 6:47 PM

I am surrounded by positive people.

Let's just say that it's been a rough life since Thanksgiving. I've been hesitant to discuss a lot of different aspects of my life on this, my internet diary because..... well, for the first time in a long time, I haven't felt very much in control of anything.

I have to admit that I treat each one of my diary entries as stand-alones..... I don't often read back to see what I've written before. So if I seem repetitive, I apologize.

I rcently ended a friendship with the guy who I thought was the one. Seriously. I look back on the whole thing and see so many opportunities to have my feelings simply acknowledged....I hate him so much right now. And I hate myself for falling for him.

While I'm not convinced that I'll NEVER find someone for me, I've definitely decided to cool down the hunt. (Ironically, I never really was searching....)

I am confused. I am hurt. I am feeling all the same feelings I ever felt after the end of something I thought was oh so great.

He challenged me....said something about reading my emails to him and my blogs and saying if I'm feeling the same way, having the same problems, then maybe I need to do some more introspection.

That one stung a lot.

I paraphrased his words because the actual ones have long since been deleted. But please believe that O-Ren came out and explained to him in no uncertain terms that I have indeed learned from my prior mistakes and made NONE of them when dealing with him.

I was proud of myself for that one. Not like smiling-proud, but taken aback that I flipped it like that.

I don't know if he reads this blog any more. I don't know if I care that anyone who is romantically interested in me reads this blog. If you've read this far, in chronological order, then you KNOW I'm crazy. Hell, I know, why don't you? Get with it.

Anyway...

I have felt a profound loneliness over the past month. I went on a date with a guy. He was really nice. Things didn't work out, and for a while there I was afraid that he and I wouldn't be able to be friends -- I am really interested in having him in my life because he's a cool dude. But I want him to see that hey....we really aren't all that compatible. And I think enough time has passed now where we can actually meet each other as friends and not auditioners for each other's affection.

To be so lonely, I sure do get my share of male attention, LOL. I can't understand it.

***

My standards are high. I realize this. I embrace this.

I hate fraud.

When people "flip" so do I. That's probably not good. That's probably why I can't stay friends with people I used to date or be interested in. Not all, but many.

But on the other hand, why should I? I am surrounded by positive people.

Why should I have people in my life who think they like me, then they don't, then they do, then they don't know after all??? Those are not qualities that I want in my friends, much less a lover. And that's almost always the thing that kills my "relationships."

I'm a typical Cancer man.... I need affection and attention.....I need you to maintain the same energy that you begin with. I need communication. If you like me, tell me AND show me. And tell me how you show me, so when you don't tell me, at least I'll recognize that you're showing me.

That makes me high maintenance, and I'm fine with that.

***

I am thankful for the men in my life that I have dated or loved or simply kicked it with and we remain "cool."

I know I am not always the easiest person to love. Believe me, I know my faults. I, too, am a work in progress.

I know I'm a catch. Blah blah blah. I know I have a lot to offer. Blah. I kinda got that part down pat. Being great husband material was my major.

I don't know what else to say.....but the positive people just keep on coming. More later.

Posted on February 17, 2006 at 7:55 PM

Wow

I went on a date.

Wow.

(And my computer was in the shop for a week, but he's feeling much better now.)

Posted on January 8, 2006 at 12:14 AM

Words to Live By

The messed up part is that I wrote that whole previous entry for a reason I didn’t even mention.

As I was cleaning this weekend (cuz you know black folks gotta clean they house before the new year) I found a sheet of paper that had these words on it:

Words to Live By:

Dream.
Desire.
Reality.
Goals.
Work.
Enthusiasm.
Perseverance.
Patience.
Experience.
Flexibility.

And it made a whole bunch of shit flood back into my consciousness that I sorta pushed back. See, those words were the nucleus of the birthday present I was going to make him. It was like a scrapbook, sorta, with each word on its own page and then a quote to go along with each word. Like for “Dream” I found the quote “As long as one has a dream in his heart, he cannot lose the significance of living.” (Howard Thurman, btw) And for “Desire” I found “Be careful what you set your heart upon - for it will surely be yours. (James Baldwin)

So when shit didn’t work out, I was like well, we’re still friends, I can still send him this. That would be nice. Then I was like well, what would the real reason be? Is it to show him what he’s “missing?” To some how rub it in? Or is it the opposite – to subconsciously beg for him back?

I didn’t have the answers to those questions, so I didn’t complete the project. Didn’t send it to him. Sent him an email wishing him a happy birthday (no response) and then a phone call wishing him happy new year (it was then that I received the return email).

Part of me knew that I was always thinking of him more than he thought of me, at least in “that” way. So maybe part of me wanted to see if I crossed his mind at Christmas time. (I didn’t) or at New Years (of course not).

You see the games we play, even if only in our own minds?

And you see why I had to set the bar super high this year? Things like the gift I described above, well, that’s just ME. (That’s also me being BROKE, but that’s another story.)

I need the type of man who will live hundreds of miles away, but drive up to see me when he has the opportunity. He never did. When there was a choice to do that, he didn’t. Little things like that can be rationalized away as they happen (“He’s so busy, he needs the rest.”) But it builds into resentment when you see how little you get paid, how much you spent to be with him, and how all your leave is GONE. And you look at his life and see how much more he has (materially) than you, and how little you got back emotionally, which would have more than made up for the lack of the material things, which you don’t even really think about for real because you’re just not that kind of person in the first place………

And really, I’m not a tit-for-tat kind of person, at least not literally. I believe in compromise. I believe that a person should give what they can, how they can. For example, say I like a dude that’s into pro football. And personally, I derive no enjoyment from pro football. The kind of person I am…I’ll watch a game with you, okay. I’ll let you “teach” me about the game, if that’s something you’re passionate about. But at the end of the day, my “gift” to you is to take note of when the games are on and LEAVE YOU ALONE during those times. And the type of man I’m looking for needs to acknowledge that “Hey, Rashid is cool – he leaves me the fuck alone when the game is on.” Because it’s not just about ME not liking football – it’s about acknowledging that it is an interest of my man’s, and that it would be rude of me to interrupt that time of his day.

At any rate, that’s all I wanted to add. Clearly, I am feeling more raw about this than I initially thought, but that’s what happens when you leave a Cancer man alone with his own mind for long periods.

Posted on January 2, 2006 at 9:44 PM

Fresh for 06

Well, it’s a new year.

On the first day of 2006, my computer was infested with spyware.

I was nearly flooded out of my living space.

And I fell out of bed.

*le sigh*

The good news is that I wasn’t injured, the water has mostly receded, and the computer repair people will be here on Tuesday morning, although they were supposed to come today.

After a few months of really, extremely digging this one dude, things didn’t work out. Surprise, surprise.

I had a good conversation about this with my friend Desmond last night. Part of the conversation (and my entire latest man situation) made me sad. Part of it made me smile and laugh. But all in all, it made me reflect on a few things.

I really deserve to be treated with warmth, compassion, kindness…or, as Diddy said months ago, I deserve to have my expectations met.

I do have some bitterness, yes I do. I don’t know why I hope that one day, when he calls, he’ll just say “You know what, Rashid? Fuck it, let’s be together. I’m sorry.”

But you can’t expect “sorry” from people like that. I dunno, at this point it’s not as personal as it might have been a year ago, or five years ago.

I’m not trying to start off my new year on a sour note, just an honest one. Y’all know how I do.

I did learn one thing, though. And it’s not just advice for myself, because in general, I really am not feeling the long-distance thing. But if you are someone who believes in it, here is the advice:

Be prepared to maintain a certain level of intensity for the duration of the relationship. People who date other people in the same city get to see each other as often as they want, without regard to money spent on travel or so-called “daytime minutes.” There are more opportunities to “show” how much you care about somebody when you live near each other. When you are in a long-distance relationship (or courtship) there is no way to “show” how much you care – you must tell the other person! And if the other person is me, tell them frequently!

As I told Desmond last night, I am insecure about such things – with good reason! We both had a good laugh at that one. But seriously…I can’t maintain a courtship through the fog of second-guesses. Communicate with me. Communicate with me constantly.

Anyway, my point…intensity is important in long-distance relationships. No, you don’t have to call every day. But if that’s how your relationship began, don’t change it up without adequate warning. Don’t make your partner guess. And when your partner feels neglected, don’t treat him (or her) like anything less than your equal.

O-Ren Ishii aka Cottonmouth had to come out only once during this latest fiasco. (It wasn’t really a fiasco, but I so enjoy the word that I had to use it.) The dude started doing this Socratic thing where he was asking me all these leading questions to prove his own point. I had to say HOLD UP, PATNAH…I deaded that one real quick. Don’t try to minimize my feelings…

Yes, I run hot and cold. Yes, I flip-flop. I do try to protect my heart. That’s an open secret. When we were talking, I wanted to talk to him more. I was trippin’ when I didn’t hear from him. I’M INSECURE, D’UH! lol….but that was so not the POINT, ya know? But like, when I say “Let’s just be friends” don’t fucking start to call me MORE!!! Ugh! That brings me back to something I said earlier…I WANT him to say “I fucked up – you were THE ONE but I fucked up.” But that’s obviously not going to happen BECAUSE HE JUST DOESN’T LIKE ME THE WAY I LIKED HIM! Why can’t I understand that? No matter how many fucking a-holes in the past have put me through the exact same roller coaster, I still can’t get a handle on the fact that they NEVER come crawling back.

I have, however, learned this…and this time better than before, I understand…

It’s not my fault.

I think this past time, although I did come out of my own comfort zone more than I wanted to, I felt that I was in more control than usual. I wasn’t swept up into the whole romance of the situation. Lucky for me he just wasn’t that romantic in the first place, so I guess that was a blessing.

Don’t get me wrong…I liked him a lot. I really really did. Like, definitely husband material. I don’t think I’ve ever dated someone who I was so ready to drop everything for.

But for whatever reasons, he didn’t really want the same thing from me at the same time. Had this been a year from now, maybe. A year ago, possibly. But for whatever reason, we met each other at a point where we thought we knew what we were looking for, found it, then…whatever.

Shit happens.

Now, this all went down weeks ago. Yeah, it’s still raw for me because we’re friends. And I won’t say that it’s hard to be his friend – he’s a great person. But I do need some space and time. I can’t just jump into being in his circle – I know his friends in the context of “I like you so I am going to be on display until I know your friends like me.” I know, they probably don’t think of me in that way, but meeting all his friends was a very pressure-filled weekend for me – I don’t think he fully appreciated that.

They say the best way to forget a man is with another man. LOL maybe they don’t and I just made that up.

It’s weird being on the “dating” scene again. It’s a drag, really, because god dammit if I just didn’t spend three months courting somebody else. Dammit if I didn’t just tell my entire life to somebody else. DAMN do I really have to do this again????

In 2005, I gave men the opportunity to step up their game. In 2006, no more chances. Come correct, or don’t come at all. Come correct – all the time – or step to the side and give somebody else a chance. Do everything right the first goddamned fucking time.

In 2006, you will earn the right to compromise. I apologize in advance, but…no more. Blame the men that came before. But I gotta do what I gotta do to be protected and feel protected. And loved. And desired.

The worst feeling in the world (to me) is to have given of myself, both literally and figuratively, for what amounts to nothing. To have invested so much into a person (or people) who threw you away, or changed their minds after they slept with you.

It makes one feel like a whore, even if that’s not what you set out to do.

Which goes back to my whole push for celibacy thing. Can’t feel like a whore if I don’t have sex, now can I?

And trust me…I’m not on a hate all men kick. I am going to enjoy dating! But this will all be on my terms.

Some might think I have built a wall…I just think I have raised the bar…so high, that the man who reaches it will be “the one.”

Or Jesus.

Whoever comes first.

Posted on at 9:16 PM

The Hurting Time by Annie Lennox

To everything there is a purpose ...
To every blade of grass
And every leaf on every tree
Every livin' thing will surely
Come to pass
And what will be will be ...
That's when the hurtin' time begins

And all the things you never said
Or didn't have the strengh to say
And everything you ever did
That time won't ever wash away
Fears that you've been livin' with
Come runnin' down your face
Runnin' down your face
When the hurtin' time begins ...

So tell me what the day brings
Has it lost it's thrill?
Are you still searching
Hoping for that
Space to fill ...
Everything you turn to
Is like a mirror on the shelf
And the only one you're blaming
is yourself

A million little deaths you've died
The times that you've been crucified
The more you've loved and lost and tried
And still could not be satisfied
When will you be satisfied?
When will you be satisfied?
Not till the hurtin' time begins

Posted on December 17, 2005 at 10:09 PM | Comments (0)

The Revenge of Adam4Adam

What in the Sam Hill?????

U make a brother want to dive deep into your treasure box and explore your love tunnel. Then slowly lick and suck those nipples until u scream stop...lol...just a brother way of saying hello.....

And another:

Hot man! Would luv to fuk u sometime. No strings, no relationship, just fukkin. If dat excites u, hit me bak. If not, peace.

First of all.....I know I don't look THAT goddamn good. So stop exaggerating.

What in the hell is WRONG with people? I've been on A4A a little more frequently these days (which is ironic because I have less time). I haven't connected with anyone, but people are contacting me because of LAZARUS, which is great news. I've always maintained that A4A was 99 percent for the promotion of my novel and 1 percent entertainment.

It's not a bad website -- it's probably one of the best dating sites I've seen around.

But I have high standards. I'm not going to respond to notes that don't meet my intellectual standards. I went to college, bitch! LOL....that means approach me like you and I both have some goddamned sense.

And I am a gentleman, dammit! A GENTLE MAN! Treat me gently and treat me like a man....don't talk about my love tunnel and sucking my nipples.

UGH!

Posted on December 14, 2005 at 7:40 PM | Comments (8)

response

with apologies to erykah badu

i want to walk up behind you and
kiss you on your neck
but
in this earthly shell
i can only reach that spot
between your shoulder blades

i walk up behind you and
kiss you there
and i am a butterfly
making love to every inch of you
exactly as god made you
a beautiful tapestry of
light and dark and light and dark and

i am the tickle that you feel right now

i could be divine and bring water to your mind
but i’d rather bring you earth
the soil from the garden where
adam and [st]eve once lived
the dirt between the toes of the free ancestors
the mud on the clothes of the enslaved
the clay from mississippi riverbeds
the soil from gardens of our grandmothers
the sand from the playgrounds and the beaches
the dirt roads you drive over
the dust that clogs my lungs
i bring earth to your mind and it
warms
soothes
nurtures
protects
it lives
it inspires
it is
me
it is
you

you and me
are divine

i give you earth and kiss you
from the inside

Posted on December 11, 2005 at 9:00 AM | Comments (0)

Elaborate Lives

I appreciate Elton John and Tim Rice for writing this.

We all lead such elaborate lives
wild ambitions in our sights
How an affair of the heart survives
days apart and hurried nights
Seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to live like that
seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to love like that
I just want our time to be
slower and gentler, wiser, free

We all live in extravagant times
playing games we can't all win
Unintended emotional crimes
Take some out, take others in

I'm so tired of all were going through
I don't want to live like that
I'm so tired of all were going through
I don't want to love like that
I just want to be with you
Now and forever, peaceful, true
This may not be the moment
to tell you face to face
But I could wait forever
for the perfect time and place

We all lead such elaborate lives
We don't know whose words are true
Strangers, lovers, husbands, wives
Hard to know who's loving who

Too many choices tear us apart
I don't want to live like that

Too many choices tear us apart
I don't want to love like that
I just want to touch your heart
May this confession

Be the start

Posted on December 9, 2005 at 7:02 PM

Stop Trippin

slow down the usual sprint.....

internalize....internalize....internalize....

Posted on November 30, 2005 at 1:23 PM

Another day....

Maybe one day I will be normal. Nothing is ever easy with me. It's always a thought, a process, an obsession. All that.

I am always feeling like I need to apologize for something.

I'm just trying to learn and be better and be happy.

Posted on at 12:41 PM

The more I talk....

...the more I fuck shit up.

Posted on November 29, 2005 at 9:39 PM

From the Diary

How do you know when you love somebody?

When do you tell somebody that you love them?

One summer I remember the first time I told Zero that I loved him.

...

This thing is making me confront myself. It's making me recount the mistakes that I made and the mistakes that happened to me.

It hurts. Sometimes.

And I'm crying. And I'm asking myself why I'm crying. At first I say that I don't know. But I know that I am replaying the past hurt in order to create a brand-new future that doesn't replay mistakes and missteps.

If I had died a month ago, say maybe in a plane crash over Philadelphia, I would have said that Zero was the great love of my life. Which is pretty silly, considering that he never really loved me back the same way.

All of my close friends know who Zero is. And all of them have wanted him dead on occaision. (I have great friends.) But Zero will always be part of my life. To steal a notion from Brent, it's like we have this bastard child together. We try to be friends...we are friends. For the sake of the child, at least. Relearning how to be his friend has been an arduous process for me. It's something that I probably won't do for anyone else.

This past month has brought much introspection. I don't want to be with Zero. Not only do I not want to be with him, the type of person that he is doesn't fit with the type of person that I need.

A relationship is not based on moments, and moments were all I had with Zero, literally and figuratively. I strung together these moments and had myself a perfect little fantasy. I fell in love with romance itself and got hurt.

Zero tried, though. I value him because even though he knew I was crazy, he waited. Why? I don't know. I haven't yet gained the self-esteem to understand why. But he waited. And though we're lovers no more, we're friends. My mind is around that. It's still a lesson, but I'm passing.

...

As the weeks go by, I find that I hate him no less. That surprises me. I am disappointed in myself.

I felt as though I had "won" when I saw his IP address in my stats, even after his hateful email to me. Why visit my site? Why read my blog? I MUST BE THE SHIT!

But what did I really win?

He was an immature manipulator and always was. Every few weeks was another argument with the same circle of female friends. And on learning the details, it was always the result of some faggish behavior on his part.

He was in a dead-end job with no chance for advancement, chasing dreams with no concrete plan, no charisma, and lived his life in a hetero/homo fantasy world of a "conscious" hip-hop message board. (Maybe it's just me, but I find it bizarre and off-putting when one has framed pictures in their living room of people they've only known from the internet.)

There. I got that off my chest.

But the question remains...what did I really win?

...

I wrote a novel called LAZARUS, but I'm the one who needs to

I'm not famous. Not a celebrity. My book is not a bestseller. Most people won't recognize me on the street.

But I have learned a few important lessons on this journey:

1) People can and will leech off of your energy if you let them. Him was one of those people. Zero did that in different ways, too, back in the day. One thing I have to change about my approach to relationships is to realize that all some people see is LAZARUS, or worse yet, "Adrian Collins."

I have 34 people on my buddy list, and the number continues to fall.

2) I am a suffocator. There. I said it. I fall in love way too fast, too hard, and without knowing the other person well enough. Mixing a suffocator with a leech is a deadly combination. The suffocator showers the leech with praise, gifs, affection, and romance. It's never properly arned. I am at fault for that and it's something I'm trying to change.

3) My feelings probably won't be hurt for as long if I abstain from sex until I am in a committe relationship. I've had just under 20 sexual partners in nine years. I have had zero boyfriends. That's not good, especially for someone with old school values. Sure, I was a consenting adult kicking it with other consenting adults, and I regret nothing...but when I look back, I know that I gave sex for love. For a relationship. For the promise of something greater. And it never worked out that way.

So I stopped doing that. So far, so good.

4) Some people are clunkers and it's not my fault.

5) I'm not always right and sometimes I need to apologize.

...

So, remember when I said that certain things happened about a month ago to show me that "God was making room?" Those things were him being an asshole, Dwayne Wayne being...himself, and Zero being Zero but in a good way.

In other words, the total realization, once and for all, no bullshit, that the three most important men in my life at the time were not meant to be my boyfriend, husband, lover, and in some cases not even a friend or an aquaintance.

The next day, I met

Posted on November 18, 2005 at 9:56 AM

Don't Wanna Jinx It

And now it's time for the "Don't Wanna Jinx It" dance.

*dancing*

don't wanna jinx it
don't wanna jinx it
don't wanna jinx it
don't wannnnnnnnnna jinx it

don't wanna jinx it
don't wanna j-j-j-j-jinx it

please oh please oh
please oh please oh
pleaaaaaaase

don't wanna jinx it

:-/

Posted on November 1, 2005 at 11:39 PM

The Deaths of Him and Dwayne Wayne; the Rebirth of 'Shid

One of these days I'll recap the more literary parts of this past weekend -- which was a blast. But for now, some more important things are on my mind.

As of late, I had been resigned to my "fate" -- a prison that I created for myself in which no man would ever be able to woo me, love me, care about me, etc, the way I could ever possibly need them to. Even announcing my vow of celibacy was an extension of that. In a way, it was moreso me announcing that I'd probably never have sex again.

And the first day of my trip, all the negative feelings came back... HIM was the same old him. Doing dumb shit. Really inconsiderate shit. I visited him on Sunday night and made plans to crash there overnight and catch my flight the next morning. I was really looking forward to learning how to be his friend again. It's hard to bounce to a friendship after having strong feelings for someone for so long. And as I say often in these pages, I never felt like he gave me the space I needed to learn how to be his friend.

The kicker was that he chose this particular opportunity to mention that he had a "friend" (a "special" friend I determined after posing the question). That's fine. What's that got to do with me? That's YO business, homie. I'm here to hang out, chill, do the things we can't do as friends because of distance.

So I am okay with the friend. Taken a bit aback, because hey, we talk on instant messenger every day and on the phone at least once a week, and there was only one other time he ever mentioned a guy. (If it was THIS guy, I don't know.)

But no...it didn't stop there. This is HIM we're talking about. He got on the phone with the guy and came INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH ME while on the phone. Like, makes it a point! THEN the motherfucker says "Let me go...I'm being rude. I have GUESTSSSSSSSS."

Er?

I look around to make sure I hadn't accidentally packed one of my Kindergarteners with me, but no, it was just me. So he LIED to his new special friend about how many guests he actually had. You can fill in the blanks on your own about why he would have done that. My favorite words in this instance are "insecure" and "immature."

So then, same conversation, he tells old boy to "stay up" so he can talk to him again before he goes to sleep.

So of course, I am like riiiiiight....so you're telling the guy the same things you used to tell me, but in front of my face.

What's really going on? Why am I REALLY there?

So by this time, I am completely turned off....disrespected....NO, I don't want HIM and I wasn't spending the night at his house with any ulterior motives. Needed a place to crash and wanted to genuinely hang out as friends, talk, bond, etc. But it seems as though his intent was to show off his little friend.

And his little friend's 8x10 was so conveniently left on the coffee table.

(No...he's NOT cuter than me. But then again, friends have told me that HIM isn't a looker in the first place. C'est la vie.)

So by then, I have totally shut down. I don't feel like I have anything in common with him. I have lost respect for him. I am wondering why did I just spend like 26 bucks to get from Rittenhouse Square to HIS place when I could have stayed at Dwayne Wayne's!!! Which wasn't that far away from the airport, either.

He asked me if he could do anything else for me before I went to sleep. I gestured to the 8x10 of not-cuter-than-me dude's picture and told HIM "Yeah...take this with you."

Dead serious.

So, he took it. It wasn't in a frame or anything.

I am frustrated at this point. I cry a little. Not sobbing. Just a weep.

Then I call my friend SHIRT TALES who is familiar with the situation. We talked....and talked....well he talked, I whispered. I cried some more. But then, I got better. The most important thing he told me was:

You deserve to have your expectations met.

So profound...so much more specific than "You deserve better."

At that moment, I loved Shirt Tales. We've had conversations before and he's definitely been helpful, but he was seeing me at my darkest hour and knew the PRECISE thing to say. I didn't even know what would have consoled me, but somehow, he did.

People give me good advice all the time, and I know it's good advice, but Shirt Tales hit it dead on. At the right moment.

Before I went to bed that night, I knew that there were still good men out there in the world. I didn't have to "have" them in order to feel complete -- I AM complete. Shirt Tales is someone I feel like I would ruin if we ever got together, LOL. Not like literally, but you know...I want BETTER for him than I could ever give him. That's not meant to be self-deprecating, but to elevate him.

Before I would go to bed the following night, I would again, and very conclusively, be reminded that there were good men in the world. And maybe, just maybe, there would one day be one for me.

To be continued...

...but not before I tell the tale of how Dwayne Wayne died.

I was with Dwayne Wayne before I made it to see HIM. Dwayne Wayne is cool peeps. But I had another realization...

That nigga could NEVER do anything to destroy something real I could have with anyone else.

A simple revelation....kind like when Sarah utters "You have no power over me" in Labyrinth. In my mind, all at once, it just clicked that though I love him as a person and as a human being, we are too fundamentally different to be anything more than friends.

The person I want to be with, whoever and wherever he is, needs to make me feel special...beautiful...admired...respected.

And neither Dwayne Wayne nor Him have ever made me feel...I dunno...desired? I don't like game-playing, whether intentional or not.

So both die....with more or less a whimper.

I put my head to pillow that night with my emotions in turmoil. I asked Shirt Tales why does everything have to be a LESSON all the damn time? Why can't I just find that person, those persons, the man, MY MAN?

And HIM and DWAYNE WAYNE were old fucking news in the first place.

Well God, there it is....I linger. I wonder and wander. I second guess myself. All the time. The lesson to be learned, the reason these things happened to me on the same day....

God was making room.

To be continued....

Posted on October 19, 2005 at 6:59 PM

The C Word

Not that it's anyone's business....but I'm going to do the celibacy thing until I'm in a committed relationship.

So there.

Posted on October 15, 2005 at 10:12 PM

Adam4Adam -- What De Hell!?!?!

I had an earlier entry about lame pick up lines on Adam4Adam, and here are more:

Cum to Pappa baby! From a 40 year old married man in DC!

Good morning bruh just looking to tap the ass sometimes.No strings,no drama,no games and must be clean. I do have a pic to share. from a 47 year old man in PG County.

Like your look........can relate if you let me. From a very handsome 50 year old....with a nekkid pic!!!

are u horney from a 24 year old grad student in DC.

how u durrin'? from an 18 year old.

can i eat you out dawg????? if ithat yo thang...holla at yo boy.. so we can make it happen From somebody whose profile was deleted already

Posted on October 7, 2005 at 7:04 PM | Comments (11)

Million Dollar Baby and dealing with just being friends, or not

I finally saw Million Dollar Baby....it was really good! I usually don't like the films that win Academy Awards, but this one was really worth it. Plus, Anthony Mackie was in it. He was REALLY good -- and different from his role in Brother to Brother. I'm going to need him to continue acting forever.

People have been asking if I am okay. I am FINE. Romantically, nothing is there and I am cool with that.

HIM is talking to somebody. Why he felt the need to tell me that, I don't know. I don't feel like we're on that level yet where I feel like hearing about those things. I don't even really read his blog regularly. That's my new thing...NOT reading things where I know there is a high likelihood of reading something which will piss me off somehow. Maybe not now, maybe not next week, but eventually.

I asked the last dude (who never did get a codename, did he?) to remove references to me from his blog because he used my real name and had details about our date. I wasn't comfortable with that at first, but because I was flattered, I let it stand. But realizing that people could google it....I became increasingly uncomfortable. And finally, I asked him to edit it.

This little motherfucker then tells me he "philosophy" about his blog, how he doesn't keep it to go back and edit it. Stream of concsciousness and all that bullshit. And I am like I understand that....but blogs are PUBLIC. Ain't NOBODY stopping you from keeping a diary with a pen and paper. So he finally decided to edit my name out (which, since I don't go to his blog anymore, i will never know if he did). But what pissed me off the most was that he even debated it in the first place. I mean shit, isn't that a no-brainer? DON'T put my business on your blog, and if so, have the courtesy to use an alias and as little identifying information as possible.

So, I told him this, then told him that I basically couldn't deal with being his "friend." (See "No We Can't Be Cool")

It's funny how people basically say things to the one they DON'T like or want or love in order to make themselves feel better about hurting someone's feelings.

For instance, when it was quite apparent that HIM just wanted to be friends....well I told him I didn't know how to be his friend and I wasn't so sure that was what I wanted anyway. I mean....it seemed to me that being "just friends" would do more to ease his conscious than it would to ease my mental well-being. So of course, I rey to err on the side of mental well-being more than phony friendships. I mean shit, this is my life here. I don't live for other people just so they will feel better about breaking my heart.

The most recent dude wanted the same thing....and I was just like you know what, fuck it. Don't really need new friends, you know?

Plus, I really do feel like he fetishized my blackness. I really really do.

As for HIM....we're cool. I don't really know why, but we are. I don't mind him talking about his social life, but I'd rather be eased into it. Yes, I am the type of person who needs a conversation about having conversations. I need him to ask me if it's cool that we talk about our social lives with each other. I'd sorta rather not talk about mine with him. Maybe I will one day....but not today.

I'm selfish. But I have to be now.

Ahhhh....maybe one day I won't be so neurotic about these things.

Posted on October 1, 2005 at 10:55 AM

New Husband

Aaron Parcham.

Figure skater.

Ethnically, he is a Hottie from the Hottie McHotHot Clan.

Okay, so ethnically, I don't know what the hell he is. But thank god for ESPN tonight for introducing him to me.

Posted on September 26, 2005 at 10:21 PM | Comments (7)

Too Much......

it aint that what u got aint enough....maybe its what u got is much too much for any ordinary man to handle.

Words to ponder, indeed.

Posted on September 25, 2005 at 11:52 AM

No, we can't be cool.

This isn't going to work, man.

I really don't feel like I can be cool with you.... I find myself resenting you an awful lot, cussing everytime I think about how things have gone down, and I'm not really too cool with how you handle things between us. I feel like it shouldn't have even been a question of whether or not you would edit your entries. But it had to be a debate....had to be about you. And that's cool, it can be about you -- as we all should be about ourselves. In a way, the things I am going through right now aren't even about YOU per se. But I can't deny that letting you run your fingers through my hair didn't have at least a little bit to do with why I cut them.

Whatever it is I am going through, I need to go through without you being a presence in my life right now. If I ever get over it, and you feel like being cool, I would like that. But for right now, I have to do me.

-------

All or nothing, motherfuckers.

Posted on at 11:46 AM

This is the thing....

I don't feel like writing about how well my signing went at the step show tonight, or who I met, or how thankful I am for all the people that stopped by and showed love, or helped out in some way. Those folks will get thanked off the blog.

Nor am I going to address the emails I've been getting about "my little love series, tee hee" as a 'friend' termed it. Hi, this is my fucking LIFE here, not a "little love series, tee hee."

The thing is that my life is upside down right now, and even more so as the days go by. The Lazarus stuff is GREAT! Work is GREAT! Home life is GREAT! I couldn't be happier.

And yes, there were lots of attractive men where I was tonight. Even fine Iotas! I am like damn, when did Iotas get hot?

Anyway....this is my outlet. You will not find sanity in this blog.

I keep typing and retyping this paragraph.....I guess to an extent, I shouldn't sink to the level of the slime I've been attracted to lately. It's tough, though.

I'm just so glad that my eyes are continually opened to what's going on around me. Shit is crazy...shit is wild. I am like....damn, for really?

When HIM wants you to be with someone you deserve...shit is wild.

When you want someone who hops from abusive relationship to abusive relationship....

When you realized you've been the victim of yet another black man fetish....

Or Alpha fetish....

When your blog entries become "little love series'".....

Shit is wild.....I am like whatever....

One of my coworkers always says "This is pure insanity."

This shit really is.

I have very few REAL friends. I think that's normal. But it's wild. It's like....I don't think it's unreasonable or unrealistic to have friends that you never argue with. I NEVER have arguments with my friends. Seriously. My friends are very intiutive, sensitive, all that.

I am just tired and rambling now, but I still have so much swimming in my head... sex.... romance.... men.... relationships.... whoredom.... fetishes....

And more that I won't say because I don't want to believe it.

Posted on at 12:32 AM

Is your game really that wack or am I just not interested?

Sometimes I think people are full of it when they say "Stop looking for the right man, the right man will find you."

No....the wrong men are tenacious, didn't you know that?

It's sorta how people in NPHC organizations say we don't recruit and that the aspirants come to us. Well, after decades of letting the aspirants come to us, look where we've come to: pledge deaths and lawsuits.

Speaking of which, I saw my General President and the Queen Busilus (inside joke) of AKA yesterday. I went to the APhiA CBC reception. It was nice. I wonder how much it cost.

The NBJC conference was hot.

Looking forward to the step show tomorrow -- teaming up with Lori Lincoln, which should be really cool.

Posted on September 23, 2005 at 4:11 PM

I think....

I think that I have probably gone off the deep end, for real this time. And the funny thing is that neither the work life or my life as an author are suffering. It's just everything about the personal life that's helter skelter.

When I have close friends, I have really really close friends.

All or nothing.

But break that trust and it will rarely be rebuilt. Abuse my emotions, lie to me, lie to me through yourself, be unsure of what you want, kiss me then tell me it would never work, hug me then tell me you've got to do "you."

That shit fills me with rage. Inconsolable and unrepairable, so don't try.

If I peeled off my skin like a banana or an orange could, I wonder if I'd still be sought after. If I were a mass of pink and white flesh, no tan, no hair, just a grown garbage pail kid, I wonder if anyone would even pretend to love me then.

I know what Na'im said to me last night. It's what's on the inside...the intelligence is what people are attracted to. Okay, cool. I'll give him that. But what I am saying here is that whatever it is that I have isn't quite enough.

I keep my eyes and mind open to any and all possibilities, the younger and the older, the closer and the further. Farther? The niggas and the wiggas and the sand niggas and the eucalyptus leaf niggas.

All have failed.

I am not sad. I am stating the facts, as I have time and again, and positing the theory that there is no one for me.

And no, we can't have a conversation about this -- the comments are off you suckers! MUHUHAHAHAHA! ;-)

I haven't been this open in a while now....don't really care too much anymore. I have no one to impress and my work speaks for itself.

In fact.....I am going to reopen some old posts.

Sex and Romance is once again on like popcorn.

Posted on September 22, 2005 at 7:40 AM

Men are crazy

I had a VERY good conversation with one of my friends last night who is in the same boat as I am with the menfolk. Our conclusion was that everyone is wack and crazy except us.

Posted on September 20, 2005 at 6:23 AM

It's not even....

"THE BEST BRIDGE BETWEEN despair and hope is a good night's sleep." -- Harry Ruby

Thanks, Harry, but I'm still in a bad mood.

It's not even the guy that I'm mad at, though he is part of it. It's the cyclical nature of the whole thing. It's the fact that there doesn't seem to be anyone who understands me who will also fight for me. No one who feels like I'm worth it. No one who will tell me that I'm beautiful and mean it.

No one who gets me....no one who truly understands. And the ones that do either have boyfriends or are straight.

I am quitting the dating scene. It's all about Lazarus. That's all people really want anyway.

Fuck it.

Posted on September 19, 2005 at 6:32 AM

All men...

Men suck.

To the devil with you ALL.

Posted on September 18, 2005 at 11:03 AM

The Hotties of Summer 2005

Maurice Greene:
The Getting Older, But I'd Still Smash Hottie

Actually, he's not that old. Just old in track years.

---

Lenny Kravitz: The Rock Star Hottie

(I'm still patiently waiting to become Zoe's other daddy.)

---

Michael K. Williams: The Dangerous Hottie

Most famous for playing the gay stick-up boy on The Wire, Michael was also a choreographer and appeared in Lackawanna Blues and Doing Hard Time.

---

Dr. Ian Smith: The Renaissance Hottie

Currently appearing as the doctor on Celebrity Fit Club 2, Dr. Smith wrote The Blackbird Papers as well as two health books. He's also a medical correspondent for NBC. He does it all!

---

Anthony Mackie: The Damn He Plays Gay So Well Hottie

Us gay folks know him from Brother to Brother. Everybody else knows him from 8 Mile, Million Dollar Baby, and She Hate Me. TOTALLY could be Adrian in a movie version of Lazarus, but alas, he's done his one gay role.

---

Brandon Fobbs:
The Is the Lazy Eye For Real or Just Acting? Hottie

Plays Fruit on The Wire (season three). Not sure if the sleepy-eye thing is a characteristic of Fruit or Brandon, but either way, it's hot. (To me.) You can't see it in this picture though, so I'm guessing it's an affectation.

---

Kristoff St. John: The We Need You on the Big Screen Hottie

Plays Neil Winters on The Young & The Restless. But don't we deserve to see him on the big screen? He really could be the next Denzel Washington, in my humble opinion.

---

Bryton: The Are You Sure You’re Legal? Hottie

You know this young one from Family Matters....yes, he played little Richie!

Currently plays Devon on The Young & The Restless. And can act his ass off, too.

---

Michael Ealy: The Hometown Hottie

You might know him as Tea Cake from Their Eyes Were Watching God or Ricky from The Barbershop Films. He hails from Silver Spring, MD aka The Urrrea.

Posted on July 19, 2005 at 9:37 AM | Comments (4)

Outdoor Track: Coby Miller

Basketball season!
Track season!
Basketball season!

TRACK SEASSSSOOOOOONNNN!!!!!!

Introducing Coby Miller:

Posted on June 28, 2005 at 1:22 PM | Comments (7)

Erased by Annie Lennox

I'm gonna put it all behind me
Like nothing ever happened between us
Nothing ever took place between you and me...
Yes
Nothin' ever happened
And if you se me walkin' down the street
I won't even recognise you
I'll just erase you from my memory
Put it all behind me
Because you are erased
All erased...

you'll be sittin' on someone else's couch
You'll be eatin' off a stranger's plate
Everything is gonna get wiped out
Like a new start
Like a brand new fresh clean slate
Well here I go remembering again
All the anger and the blame...
People in glass houses shouldn't throw those stones
but ... something just flew through my window pane

My my my my ... (oh mama did it touch you well?)

I'll be in a brand new pair of running shoes
And you'll be walking on down different street
in a brand new suit and a fresh clean shirt
Makin' telephone calls...
Keepin' in time with someone else's feet
Keepin' in time with someone else's feet

---

It doesn't necessarily help, but it doesn't hurt.

Posted on May 26, 2005 at 7:35 PM

Blogging from work

Woo hoo, woo hoo hoo.
Woo hoo, woo hoo hoo.
Woo hoo, woo hoo.
Woo hoo, woo hoo hoo.

I started my morning in a really pissy, about to cry, not really feeling like being here mood. Then my friend/co-worker had her own issues, so I ain't get to vent how I wanted to. But it was all good -- the kids were pretty amazing so far. I'm thankful for them.

Except for the pee-pee girl, but the rest are good.

I am thinking maybe I need to write down a comprehensive list of everything I REALLY need in a significant other. Like one of those lists that Kameelah from Real World: Boston had. Not that I don't know what I'm looking for, but so I can remind myself what I DON'T need.

We'll see.

Posted on May 25, 2005 at 10:02 AM

Another Day

I'm staying strong.

A friend/co-worker of mine is going through a similar situation, so I got somebody to empathize with.

Here and there, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But I look back and see the love I have given and how it was unreciprocated -- not only that, but how it was almost encouraged. You know? At some point, one of us has to man up and say "We can't do this anymore."

Ugh....he is determined to see me this weekend, too. I believe in karma, so I'm not going to be mean to him for no reason -- but he's not my friend. I don't love him. I don't like him. I want him to leave me alone for good. I don't like who I am when I love him -- and I don't like being led to believe that one day he could love me.

If he could love me, he could also come out.

If he could love me, he wouldn't have "straight" listed on his MySpace profile.

If he could love me, he would have seen me the night he came into DC to go to DREAM.

I wish he had never ever EVER sent me that initial message. These past six months have been a pure waste. I've been here before and I never thought I'd make past mistakes.

But I've learned to trust my gut and not ignore the early warning signs. We're talking first five minute warning signs. I can't give someone I don't know a second chance, you know?

I probably still sound REAL crazy.

I'm just looking forward to Pride and making a lot of connections with other gay black men. Not even love connections, just networking. Shoot, people will read this blog and know I am damaged goods, LOLOL.

*le sigh*

I'm fine. I will be fine.

Posted on at 7:26 AM

Craziness

Shit is CRAZZZZZZYYYYYYY

So I completely and permanently blocked him from my life. Deleted all his contact info from Outlook, deleted and blocked him from Myspace, took his number out my phone, deleted ALL emails and photos of him from my hard drive, and blocked his IP address from visiting my website.

I wasn't playing. I do not want to hear from him, down to even seeing his stats on my site.

So why does this motherfucker email me and tell me I'm being ridiculous?

No....ridiculous is spending six months loving someone who doesn't love you back. I refuse, you hear me? I REFUSE to go down this road again.

I've got so much else I need to say about this, but not now. Maybe not ever, to the public at least. But I can't move on with him in my life -- I never did want to be his friend. I wanted to be his man.

Posted on May 24, 2005 at 11:10 PM

Responses

So....I had no idea I wasn't getting notification for my comments. I thought y'all were just some heartless monsters, LOL. Sorry for the delay in responding.

KARSH: I hear you. To be honest, my feelings as we talked with one another we very stable (for once). I had the breakdown before the "break-up." It works out quite nicely.

RAHSHEK: Thanks for the comments....and thanks for the link to your blog, I appreciate it!

NASHEED: I am not upset at not getting what I want. (Though I am incredibly disappointed, the rejection was not a surprise.) I am upset because he knew how I felt and took advantage of it. I understand your points though, and your advice is valuable.

KEN W: The roll won't be slowing, it has stopped, LOL. Much love.

PERQUITA: YUP! That's what I said!!! lol

JAIMI: Thanks...you know me. Sometimes I trip about whether I did the right thing or not. But I know that eliminating him from my everyday routine is the right thing to do. No calls, no emails, no IMs. Works for me!

ROD: I agree. (Well, of course, lol) Now really is a fine time to be selfish...with my career what it is and my travel about to really increase. Maybe it's just time to focus on having fun.

TIANA: You know me so well, girl. We already talked about this, but I still agree wholeheartedly.

KENNETH: I hear you man, I really do. I'll check out your site shortly.

Thank you one and all....I am fine. I really am. There will be more sadness and regret, but I think that having him out of my life is best. I will continue to grow, heal, mature...have fun, meet people. All that.

:-)

Posted on May 21, 2005 at 12:55 PM | Comments (2)

Without Him, I'm Something

Rashid: How did you honestly feel about what I wrote to you on the white covered book*? [the book was a copy of lazarus that had a plain white cover, and i wrote this message on the outside of it to him. it said "I plan on doing whatever it takes to be with you"]

Him: I was touched- I thought it was very sweet. I know you were serious about what you said.

Rashid: Do you ever think about "us?"

Him: Occassionally

Rashid: I like you more than you like me. Would you agree with that?

Him: I like you a lot, but I do think u like me more than I like you

Rashid: How does that make you feel?

Him: It doesn't make me feel any type of way other than happy that I have another person who cares for me in my life

Rashid: And how do you think that makes me feel?

Him: I'm not quite sure

Rashid: It makes me feel like you're being selfish.

Him: How so?
Him: Do u want me not to like you at all?
Him: Do u want me to hate you because you like me?

Rashid: I want you to understand that I want to be with you, and it's not fair to accept the things I give you (emotional things, not necessarily physical) if you can't give me the same in return.

Him: If I sent that book back to you, how would you feel?

Rashid: It's not about sending the book back to me. It's about addressing the sentiments that were involved. Do you want me to keep pursuing you with the objective of making you my man?

Him: I now feel as if u are trying to guilt me into liking you more than I do- that's not fair

Rashid: Nooooo I don't want to guilt you into liking me more, *him*. I don't even think that's possible to do. I want you to realize that when you accept these things from me without really letting me know that there isn't a chance, it gives me false hope into thinking there can really be an "us" some day.

Him: Brb

Rashid: And if I think about you all the time, and you think of me occasionally, that's not laying the groundwork for something bigger. That's a lopsided relationship.

Rashid: ok

[an hour later]

Rashid: You there?
Him: Yes
Him: But I'm about to leave out soon

Rashid: So I guess you're finished talking about this?

Him: We can talk about it if you like, I just don't think I can talk for long

Rashid: There's nothing more to talk about. I'm not going to continue sharing myself with you.
Rashid: It's time for me to be selfish now.

Him: Ok
Him: Be selfish Rah

Rashid: I'll try -- not sure that I can top you though.
Rashid: Be well.

Him: U too

Then I called him and told him this would be the last time I spoke to him and that I didn’t want to hear from him anymore. I told him if he is so moved to send me the book back (a white covered book that i had written the message on) to just throw it away instead, because I don’t want to hear from him at all.

I asked him if he could even see where I was coming from or if he still felt like I was guilt tripping him. His response: I don’t know. I asked if he didn’t know or if he didn’t care, he said he didn’t know.

So I said Peace.

The Comments section is open.

Posted on May 19, 2005 at 6:50 PM | Comments (11)

" !"

This is how I feel.

Posted on at 4:25 PM

Finally

My oldgoldsoul account is FINALLY acting right. If you haven't noticed, my site has been hella slow the past two days. But it seems to be acting right, so that's one less thing to worry about.

I need to find a more efficient way

Wow, I TOTALLY zoned out for a few minutes and have no idea what I was going to say. I guess that means I have a lot on my mind. I was kind of upset last night, seemingly about nothing in particular. But i KNEW something was wrong, and it was related to him.

It's weird how I am so intuitive about certain things but allow myself to be clouded in uncertainty when it comes to other things.

Every now and then, the solution -- or really, the core of the matter -- is revealed to me, but for some reason, I don't want to deal with it.

A message was sent.....the core of my uncertainty is the response to the message. I didn't think at the time that the response was inadequate, but then I thought about it...I don't really know what he thinks about the message. I don't know how he feels that no matter what, I am going to pursue him.

He didn't tell me not to pursue him. But if the shoe was on the other foot, would I be able to TELL someone "Hey, stop pursuing me, this will never in a million years work out?"

I want him bad. I've never gone after someone like this before. I feel like Sami Brady in this piece. (If you don't know, don't ask.)

Jeez this is turning pretty personal. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. It seems like every time I have a "deep" conversation with someone, it's never positive. It never works out with me on top.

I don't feel sorry for myself, those are just facts.

I hope that whoever I end up with in the long run understands that I am emotional and communicative. That's not going to change any time soon. But in exchange, I offer lots of love, devotion, and loyalty.

Maybe the emotions drive people away. That's the common denominator as far as I can see it.

I'm not going to bring it up with him. I'm not hiding it (clearly)...but if he wants to discuss it, here I is. I've got too much other stress in my life to go around pursuing extra stress. If it's gonna be anything, lets let it be something. If it's not, let me know. Limbo sucks. I'm going to need more than a one word response to the message.

BTW....I remember now what I had wanted to say: I need to find a more efficient way to post my fraternity round-up. Like, if I could copy and paste all the articles at one time, that would be GREAT! lol

Posted on at 7:04 AM

1 Place

My heart is only in one place right now.

And that's real shit.

I'm at that point where I've got like a thousand poems in me and they get all jumbled up then stop when I try to write them.

Posted on May 18, 2005 at 7:21 PM

The Answers II

Nasheed writes:

Ooooh, questions about romance? I have a couple.

1. Beyond the individual qualities that you find attractive in any man, what particular "type(s)" of guys are you drawn to (despite reason or despite yourself)?

2. Looking back on your relationship patterns, has your involvement with guys who fit your type(s) been healthy for you (or not)?

1. I am attracted to "eclectic" guys....men who like lots of different things, listen to all types of music, and don't necessarily fit into the traditional "hip-hop" category. That's not to say I'm not attracted to people who are "hip-hop" -- it's just that eclectic guys match the things I like, grew up with, or can grow to appreciate. Example: A black man who knows and appreciates the music of David Bowie gets way more cool points that one who only listens to rap or R&B.

These types of guys don't look a particular way.... I was attracted to the late Tymex. We never dated or anything, but I was instantly intrigued by the fact that this little black man had this huge green afro.

Black guys who are into comic books are also way cool. The elements of my own life that I don't get to share with many of my friends are the same elements that I look for in a mate.

2. It's not that the relationships I've had with said guys have been unhealthy...it's that they just don't really work out.

Take J-Pan for example....all my old head bloggers remember him. We are talking years and years of a complicated dance between he and I. We were polar opposites on the surface, but on the inside, we had a lot in common. They were things that I don't readily share with the word.

But things didn't work. As is usually the case, he didn't want the same thing from me that I wanted from him. That's the common denominator in my failed relationships. Most people would rather have me as a friend, which is really code for "I'm not that into you."

Sucks, but true.

I don't think my bad luck in relationships is necessarily connected to the kind of guys I like. I've dated fraternity men, young professionals, quasi-thugs....coming-out issues and "just not into me" issues are always what ends things.

And yes, sometimes that works in reverse, too. I've definitely dated dudes I just wasn't feeling, and I should have told them so early on. I try not to do that anymore though. It's so much easier to have very high standards and early deal-breakers than it is to date someone who thinks you might really like them, but you in fact don't.

Just my opinions.

Posted on May 17, 2005 at 9:48 AM | Comments (0)

The Answers

Kristal asks:

If you could have a threesome with two other men who and why??

Wow. I wasn't ready for that one!

Lenny Kravitz and Robert Ri'chard. For now, at least.

---

Jaqua asks:

What was the most freakiest sexual thing you have ever done, and the most outlandish place you have ever had sex?

Oh my gosh....to be perfectly honest, I have never done anything exually that would be defined as freaky. Just freaky people. Which would be a Que or two. The most outlandish place would be on my roommate's bed in undergrad. But not with my roommate.

This is embarassing. :-/

---

Perquita asks:

This maybe considered a dumb ass question, but I'm going to ask anyhow. How are you planning on having children? Are your hopes to have them biologically, adopt or both. Just curious. Either way, you would be a wonderful father.

No question is dumb ass! And thanks for the compliment!

If I am relatively broke for the rest of my life, then I will adopt. DC does not discriminate against gays and lesbians or single people who want to adopt children though the city. I was very encouraged when I heard this.

If I enjoy a certain amount of wealth, I would like to both adopt and have a surrogate. It means a lot to me to have a child who is related to me by blood.

I would not choose any of my existing friends to carry the child. It just becomes way too complicated. Plus I am already crazy, and so are all my friends. If I recruit a good surrogate, at least the kid has a 50-50 chance at sanity. :-)

Great question.

---

Karai asks:

what's your perspective on the right way to sustain/grow a gay relationship? (due to the fact that they do evolve at a fast pace, sometimes it's hard to keep from just becomin cut buddies and ending it...feel me?)

Wow, that's a hard question!

Communication is always key. You have GOT to communicate your feelings if you want things to work. You can't say nothing and assume your partner understands. I have had my heart broken too many times by dudes who said they wanted me but changed their minds, but still kept me around.

As it pertains to gay relationships in particular, I believe that the same level of "outness" is paramount. Men on the DL who fall in love with men who are out need to either get over it and move on or have plans to come out. It's not fair to a man who is out to have to go back in the closet because his lover isn't ready. I do think it's POSSIBLE to cultivate a relationship with a man who isn't as out as you are if you BOTH communicate well from the outset.

And finally...gay men should be ENCOURAGED. It's simply not true that gay relationships don't last. We just don't think they don't last becase we don't hang out with gay men in their fifties. :-) Do you REALLY think Deacon Smith and Deacon Jones are "just roommates" after 60 years??? lol

---

Kenneth asks:

Hey it's your fan again. Don't think of me as a stalker. Why is it that a person as connected and seemingly sincere and beautiful inside [is] intolerably single?

That's the million dollar question.

I don't know.

Posted on May 16, 2005 at 9:38 AM

What the...(a random entry encompassing all categories)

First of all....HI!

I've not been taking any calls this evening, and only placed one to him. Unfortunately, he got another call from someone he hadn't spoken to in a while, so I just said I'd talk to him tomorrow. I didn't really feel like playing the "waitupreallateandprayhecalls" game. Especially since I was already really tired and I know him -- he'd just fall asleep anyway. C'est la vie.

My boy Dwayne called me tonight and I checked his message...he is feelin' Lazarus and it really made me feel good to know that so many people identify with so many different little parts. One of his favorites so far was the scene in the Metro. (Won't say more for now.) Dwayne is really cool peeps -- I like him.

One of my APO bros from Region IV also called me tonight. I need way more time to holla back at him, I haven't seen him since summer 03 maybe?

And I STILL haven't called back my law school frat who was in town this past weekend. Where has all my energy gone?

Oh, I know...it's gone to that damn school house. I worked all five days last week with a second grade class, then no work monday due to parent conferences. Tuesday I came in to volunteer with the second grade teacher to ease her transition, but I got called in to cover a third grade class, so I got put on the schedule. Today, I subbed for a PE class all damn day! THREE, count them, THREE classes back to back, THEN recess duty! Then about 20 minutes for lunch and a pee break, then two more classes back to back! That shit was ba-noodles.

But fun. I did something slightly different with each class. All in all, only one acted like a little snot rag.

Tomorrow, I go in for the second grade teacher in the morning and the PE teacher in the afternoon, then Friday all day for the other second grade teacher.

I really do like this job, no matter how much I complain.

On that note, why do I feel like my biological clock is ticking and not only am I only 25 (26 next month!) but I don't have a biological clock! lol. I see these bright girls and boys and imagine what it would be like if I had kids like them. I can picture it now....three kids, two boys and a girl. One boy, the oldest, is going to be the "smart" one...overachieving and athletic. The type that would probably WANT to go to boarding school. The middle child is the bad boy -- the one that needs all the extra attention. He's BAD and people can't believe that's Rashid Darden's kid! But he's smart and just acts out because he feels like it. Then there is the baby sister whom everyone adores. Her hurh ALWAYS be in nice cornrows cuz her daddy finally will learn how to cornrow some day. She loves to read and her older brothers protect her fiercely.

Yes, that's that active writer's imagination of mine.

Once I get more settled down, I will mentor first. See if I can ACTUALLY help troubled kids.

Back to the book....yo, what's REALLY scary is that people are literally finishing LAZARUS in a DAY. Part of me is like damn, is it THAT easy of a read? But people are saying that it's good, so hey....it's just good then. Wierd. Weird? Why can I never remember how to spell that.

In terms of Entertainment...somehow, I got addicted to America's Next Top Model. It's good! So yeah, it's in it's fourth season and I didn't start watching until last year, but hey, I like it. My favorite is Naima (sp?) and it seems like she is America's favorite as well.

I'm not terribly interested in American Idol right now. Nor anything on MTV. I guess I am just patiently waiting for Big Brother and The Wire to come back.

I was really mad at myself this week when I had a check bounce. :-( I have automatic deduction for my cell phone bill, and I didn't have enough money in there. And Discover kinda wanted some money, too, and well....I just basically dropped the ball and I am mad about it. I ain't rich or famous enough yet to avoid these mishaps. Argh.

I am excited about Pride this year. I'm gonna be at like EVERYTHING. It should be fun.

Okay, now I am too tired to write more. I don't feel like going to sleep, but I certainly do have to work tomorrow. Maybe I'll write more in the morning.

PEACE.

Posted on May 11, 2005 at 10:40 PM | Comments (4)

Don't forget....

It's not too late to ask me anything when it comes to Sex and Romance. So far the questions have been all about SEX...ya freaks! You can ask about romance, too.

Bring em on!

Posted on at 6:07 PM | Comments (2)

Ask me anything....

Ask me anything you want to know as it relates to "Sex and Romance."

I generally don't have comments open for this particular category, but for now, I am feeling a little more open about answering questions.

Go for it! Post your questions in the comments section and I will answer them in a future entry.

Posted on May 8, 2005 at 5:53 PM | Comments (3)

2

Vision of Love, Mariah Carey
Beautiful (Funkymix), Snoop Dogg ft Pharrell
You Made Me Love You, R. Kelly
If I Was Your Girlfriend, Prince
I Need Love, LL Cool J
For the Love of You, Joss Stone
Kiss You Back, Digital Underground
Strangers to Lovers, AAries
Poetry Man, Phoebe Snow
I Can Only Be Me, Keith John
Sugar Honey Ice Tea, Goodfellaz
Goodnight My Love, Billie Holiday
Give Me Your Love (Love Song), Curtis Mayfield
There Must Be an Angel, Eurythmics
God (Love Theme from Purple Rain), Prince

Posted on May 2, 2005 at 7:26 PM | Comments (0)

1

You Are So Beautiful, Joe Cocker
Creep, Radiohead
Lost, Billie Holliday vs Ani DiFranco vs Paul Simon
Why Don't We Fall In Love (Richcraft Remix), Amerie
I Care 4 U, Aaliyah
Distant Lover, Marvin Gaye & Betty Wright
Love of My Life, Erykah Badu ft Common
I've Fallen in Love With You, Joss Stone
Gimme All Your Lovin' or I Will Kill You, Macy Gray
700 Mile Situation, Res
You Can't Turn Me Away, Sylvia Striplin
It Feels So Good to Love Someone Like You, Terence Trent D'Arby
Not Me, Boyz II Men
You've Really Got a Hold On Me, the Beatles
You Are So Beautiful, Rockapella

Posted on May 1, 2005 at 4:24 PM | Comments (0)

Dating Diversions Famous Dating Quiz

Your dating personality profile: Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Romantic - You know exactly how to melt your date's heart. Romance comes naturally to you and is an important component of any relationship you have.

Your date match profile: Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Big-Hearted 2. Liberal 3. Romantic 4. Sensual 5. Practical 6. Adventurous 7. Outgoing 8. Wealthy/Ambitious 9. Stylish 10. Funny

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Romantic 2. Practical 3. Big-Hearted 4. Shy 5. Conservative 6. Adventurous 7. Wealthy/Ambitious 8. Traditional 9. Intellectual 10. Funny

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

Posted on April 23, 2005 at 9:51 AM | Comments (0)

Ooh La La II

Have I told you lately how much I love basketball???

Posted on March 28, 2005 at 9:54 AM | Comments (1)

Ooh La La

Posted on March 26, 2005 at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)

And now for something completely different:

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Monchhichi:

And another:

Thank you. That is all.

Posted on March 17, 2005 at 7:25 AM | Comments (6)

damn

so sensitive......

damn it

Posted on March 15, 2005 at 10:39 PM

Ridiculous

So yes, I have an ad on Adam4Adam. I thought it would be fun....might even help promote my novel. So far, it's kinda working. Most people usually ask me about it and I direct them to the site. Those people are cool.

Then there are the people who post nekkid pics of their weiners and buns. I don't respond to those guys.

THEN there are the people who send me smutty messages and expect me to respond!!!! This post is dedicated to the most ridiculous messages I've gotten through these sites.

---

43 in Motgomery County: dam and your cute everyday smile would love to see u naked

40 in DC: I am new to DC and interested in connecting with another brotha. I am masc and college educated working towards a PhD degree...I am interested. Get back with me.
This could have been a winner had his schlong not been prominently displayed in his profile!

32 in Takoma Park: wassup baby boi
What the hell??? That had no punctuation AND his profile showed his schlong. Gross!

45 in Philadelphia: wassup man im an attractive inshape professional brother with many talents.. glad to send u pics drop me an email address
You are 45. You could be my dad. Perv!

21 in PG County: Sup From Oxon Hill MD 21 Yrs Old 5'10 145 Brownskin Light To Dark Browneyes Bi On DL Vers. Hit Me Up On Yahoo Messenger At *****@yahoo.com AIM *****@aol.com Or MSN Messenger *****@hotmail.com
It wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't just copied and pasted his profile into a message. Some originality, please? Don't be lazy.

42 in Raleigh: YOU ARE A VERY NICE LOOKING MAN WISH U THE BEST IN WHA EVERE U WANT
A nice message but sheesh....at 42 can we add some punctuation and release the CapsLock key?

24 in DC: Sup man? This your boi "D" hitting u up. This aint my page this is my best friends page. But anyway you are the kind of shawty a nigga would like to chill with from time to time. Stats: Light complexion, 32w, regular cut, average body build, 145lbs. Official nigga for sure. Get back at your boi when you get this. O yeah, I have pic(s) to send email me at *****@yahoo.com
Extra line breaks were removed. Okay, first of all, Adam4Adam is free, why do you have you use the account of your "best friend?" And who has best friends anymore? That quite middle schoolish. And why do I have to be a shawty? What is this, B-Boy Blues? And finally...what in the hell is an "official nigga??????"

60 in DC: I guess I am not the guy for you.
Hell naw, nigga! You 60!!!!!!

I'm definitely not trying to be a snob by posting these....but jeez Louise, why are folks so desparate in 2005??? What is the hell does a 60 year old want with a 25 year old? Okay, well I know WHAT, but ewwwww!!! I just want folks to remember that they are a PERSON behind their screen names. They are thinking, rational, compassionate people, attempting to interact with others who are thinking, rational, and compassionate. Let's put some more thought into our first impressions, folks!

Posted on March 12, 2005 at 10:35 AM | Comments (2)

Dwayne Wayne

I am like...I dunno....

So many people love me. Friends. Great friends. I love them, too. It's great. They send me these great emails and call me when they know I'm down. I am so thankful for that.

And, as I said a few entries ago, I have friends who are slipping away. They know they're slipping away. They know it's not the same. And at the same time, I haven't changed. So it sucks to know that you've done all that you can do and it's not enough.

And then you have Dwayne Wayne. Dwayne Wayne is the friend who told you from the outset that they didn't care WHO this nigga was and he'd just better understand that me and Dwayne Wayne had *something* that wasn't going to go ANYWHERE.

*scuuurrrrrrt*

Yeah.....y'all weren't ready for that one, were you?

Dwayne Wayne (not his real name) is just my friend. We've been friends for a while, and we'll always be friends. We don't really want there to be more than that to each other because we're both at vastly different stages in life....and pretty much always will be. But there is still an attraction...

I told Dwayne Wayne a long time ago about him and he was cool with it...curious, but cool. It's funny that it took a conversation about him for me and Dwayne Wayne to really see what we were to each other.

Dwayne Wayne knows I love him. He loves me. We say it to each other and mean it. But it's not off the "ohmygodiloveyouandiwanttobewithyou" kick....it's off the "Wow man, you're like...awesome" kick.

I don't want to "be" with him....I couldn't handle all that he is in large doses. He's not into the quiet life and he's not out. I'm a big gay author writing big gay books -- why do I keep attracting guys who aren't out, lol??? That's just not gonna work. But I do understand his whole rationale for not being out. It would be professional suicide, and I really respect that choice...for now.

But I swear to you....I call him "Dwayne Wayne" because I kinda see myself as the male Whitley Gilbert. No, I'm not a southern priss. No, I'm not femme. It's because I've done so much growing over the years. One day, I do hope to find a great man....like Whitley found Byron. And I want to have the wedding with all my friends there and I want to settle into my life with a handsome, accomplished, progressive man. (Marrying into wealth wouldn't hurt.) But just when I imagine having ALL THAT, just when I am ready to say I DO....who should come to the church but motherfuckin Dwayne Wayne? The one who will mess up ALL the god damn plans, break up the wedding, and ask me "Do you, Rashid? Do you promise to love, cherish....please, please baby please!" And then I look at Byron and look at Dwayne Wayne and I don't know what tha FUCK to say!

...just as he would want it.

Now, I don't think Dwayne Wayne would intentionally mess up my relationship (were I to have one). He has always been respectful of my love life, in spite of our mutual attraction. It's so weird that he and I can acknowledge this attraction and still have other pursuits.

But Dwayne.....he's always going to be there. He's loved me on days that I wasn't quite sure anyone else did. I knew I could count on him emotionally when I really needed it. And we've had our rough patches, too, but we got over them. He's never had a problem apologizing to me -- even when he knew it wasn't all his fault.

And yet I know all the reasons that he and I wouldn't work out. Those reasons are definitely good enough to leave things as they are.

But still....I know he is the one, the only one that could come out of the woodwork and wreck my happy home if I let him.

Which is a good reason to be single....

At any rate, it was good seeing him on Saturday.

Posted on March 8, 2005 at 11:16 PM

Saturday

I knew a girl named nikki
I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine
She said how’d u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little nikki grind

She took me 2 her castle
And I just couldn’t believe my eyes
She had so many devices
Everything that money could buy
She said sign your name on the dotted line
The lights went out
And nikki started 2 grind

Nikki

The castle started spinning
Or maybe it was my brain
I can’t tell u what she did 2 me
But my body will never be the same
Her lovin’ will kick your behind
Oh, she’ll show u no mercy
But she’ll sho’nuff sho’nuff show u how 2 grind

Darlin’ nikki

Woke up the next morning
Nikki wasn’t there
I looked all over and all I found
Was a phone unmber on the stairs
It said thank u 4 a funky time
Call me up whenever u want 2 grind

Oh, nikki, ohhhh

Come back nikki, come back
Your dirty little prince
Wanna grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind

Posted on March 6, 2005 at 10:49 AM

Always the afterthought, never the bride

I apologized to a friend that I had a falling out with and hadn't spoken to since 2003. Didn't do any good though -- she didn't accept my apology or even really say anything in response other than "What prompted that?" I am like damn bitch, does anything "prompt" an apology other than the fact you feel sorry?

But whatever....I did all I could do to rectify the situation. I guess that's what I get for not really believing in my heart that I was wrong.

What actually happened....she and I had a falling out over some of our responsibilities for Maya's memorial service that we had at Homecoming '03. (A prime example of why you don't work with your friends.) It's pretty sad that we fell out over something positive we were trying to do to remember a friend, but at the time I was like fuck this, I can't believe she's.....etc, etc.

I didn't rally hold a grudge against this chick, but I also never really felt any good reason to be her friend again. I still don't, really -- there were plenty other reasons she annoyed me. But I have this habit of not wanting people to think I hate them if I actually don't. I guess it's a bit arrogant of me, but whatever...it's important that people I care or once cared about know how I feel about them.

I don't hate her and I felt bad about the way we separated. That's all. I didn't expect anything to come of the apology -- but I also didn't expect "nothing."

*****

He wrote in his blog about having instant connections with other people. I imagined that this may have been what he felt when he met me, but I knew the blog entry wasn't about me.

It's tough when you know someone is slipping away and there's nothing you can do about it. Some people have the ability to sense instant connections with people they know they will grow to love in some way.....for me, along with this gift comes the inevitability of separation.

Nothing lasts in my world.

Don't be sad for me, you jerks. Just buy the book. If you bought one, buy another.

This is my reality, though. I'm destined to have lots of friends, but when it comes to more, there just isn't anyone out there who is really the one for me -- no one who encompasses all that I need. And when you think you've found it, it gets fucked up.

Inevitably.

Yes I'm depressed you fuckers, lol. Sometimes I get tired of having friends. I want someone in my life who will say "Yes, Rashid, I want to be with you -- wholeheartedly and unequivocally."

I can only take so much of being the afterthought.

Posted on March 4, 2005 at 6:53 AM

From Him

Tee hee hee. :-D

Posted on February 18, 2005 at 2:31 PM

This is my 200th post

I got sicker today...started coughing a lot more than I was earlier this week. Problem was exacerbated by some outside stress. Dealt with it, though.

I am about to hop into bed (before 8pm!) but before I do...

I don't know if I am setting myself up in a negative way, but when I think about him, I am really glad he's in my life. I do want to be near him, somehow...on one hand it sucks that I pretty much feel the same way about him as I always have. But...I guess it's better to have feelings that not have them.

Seems like I talked about something like this in my old blog....

I don't like him with the mushy like. I like him with the like of resignation....the like that makes you sigh and just be like "fuck it, i'm just gonna have to like him." at least until someone else comes along. and you kinda don't want that to happen because you can't imagine liking anybody else the same way. and maybe you won't. but that's not a bad thing.

i dunno, i'm trippin as usual.

Posted on February 17, 2005 at 7:25 PM

Valentine's Day....

Valentine's Day has come and (almost) gone without incident. This time last year I was dealing with an asshole. (I've told that story before, but I don't know the name of the entry.)

I am cool on Valentine's Day this year. I am not trippin' because I don't have a significant other. Cuz I got better than that!

I gots me:

1) A secret admirer!
2) A job (kinda).
3) A novel. (I write books, beeyatch!)
4) Friends!
5) And on most days, my health.

My mom got me a few Valentine's Day cards, which I didn't expect! I didn't get her anything, because well, she has a man -- what more could she want? LOL And I guess by me acknowledging the day for other folks, maybe it would remind me that I kinda didn't have anyone? I don't know.

I like Valentine's Day. I think it's cool. I don't think it's all that commercial. It's just a day to remind people to hold their loved ones close. It's not really a family day -- it's a day to just really appreicate your lover, if you've got one. And if you don't, that's cool -- no big deal. It's not like banks are closed today.

Still blown that I had a secret admirer....my boy at work kept saying I had a stalker. LOL, I was like yeah whatever....it's nice having these random acts of kindness.

I think I deserve them.

Posted on February 14, 2005 at 7:46 PM | Comments (3)

I have a secret admirer!

Today, I recieved the most thoughtful Valentine's Day card I ever could have gotten.

Thw card itself says:

A Valentine's Day Wish
Thinking of you and wishing you...

sweet memories, happy dreams, warm moments shared with those you love...

Thinking of you and wishing you a
Happy Valentine's Day.

"J.C." writes:

"I am a secret admirer, not a stalker. I care about you (a little) to send this card...I am sending you this card to let you know that somebody cares about how you feel and all the things that you are going through....you are a good man with a very sincere heart..."

Emphasis mine.

J.C., whoever you are, THANK YOU SO MUCH. This card made my day. Thank you for helping me to take the sweet with the bitter -- thank you for showing me so much love just for being myself. That really is appreciated.

See? I don't have to be with somebody to have a good Valentine's Day!!!

Posted on February 12, 2005 at 4:29 PM | Comments (2)

Damn it all....

The first song I listen to when I get home....why does it have to be "I Can't Make You Love Me?"

You can't make your heart feel something it won't....

It's such a pretty song, even though it still breaks my heart.

Luckily, the next song is "Never Get Old" by David Bowie from the Reality album.

Better take care
Think I better go, better get a room
Better take care of me
Again and again

I think about this and I think about personal history
Better take care
I breathe so deep when the movie gets real
When the star turns round
Again and again
He looks me in the eye says he's got his mind on a countdown 3-2-1
Forever

I'm screaming that I'm gonna be living on till the end of time
Forever
The sky splits open to a dull red skull
My head hangs low 'cause it's all over now

And there's never gonna be enough money
And there's never gonna be enough drugs
And I'm never ever gonna get old
There's never gonna be enough bullets
There's never gonna be enough sex
And I'm never ever gonna get old
So I'm never ever gonna get high
And I'm never ever gonna get low
And I'm never ever gonna get old

Better take care

The moon flows on to the edges of the world because of you
Again and again
And I'm awake in an age of light living it because of you
Better take care
I'm looking at the future solid as a rock because of you
Again and again

Wanna be here and I wanna be there
Living just like you, living just like me
Forever
Putting on my gloves and bury my bones in the marshland
Forever
Think about my soul but I don't need a thing just the ring of the bell in the pure clean air

And I'm running down the street of life
And I'm never gonna let you die
And I'm never ever gonna get old
And I'm never ever gonna get
I'm never ever gonna get
I'm never ever gonna get old
And I'm never ever gonna get
And I'm never ever gonna get
Never ever gonna get old

Posted on February 9, 2005 at 5:05 PM

You know what I realized?

I just realized that I ain't gonna get nothin' for Valentine's Day AGAIN!!!

Ugh!

I really like Valentine's Day, too. I appreciate the fact that it's one day out of the year one can be shamelessly romantic and not get clowned for it. It's a day where deep inside, I expect people to come out of the woodwork and tell me "Yo Rashid, I really care about you. Don't ever change. Don't....ever....change."

Yeah, right.

So another lonely Valentine's Day it is. No cards, no candy, no gifts, no singing telegrams, no surprises, no lover, no friend with benefits. No man.

If I had the dough, I'd treat myself to something nice in lieu of having a man. Such as the new School Daze and Malcolm X special edition DVDs. I am so mad I already own both of the regular editions of those flicks, but they came out with special editions that I must get. The way my finances are going, it might be next Valentine's Day before I can afford them. Lest we forget I am still waiting for the Matrix Ultimate Edition or whatever it's called.

I've thought about him a few times. I'm so used to telling him about my day. I don't try to forget him though. Or us.

It is what it is, whatever it is.

Posted on at 6:18 AM

The Quasi-Celebrity Crush; The Other

So last night I had a dream about W. Ellington Felton. It wasn't erotic or romantic in any way. But I did have this school-boy type of squeamishness in the dream. I seem to have been all "aww shucks" when I was around him.

In real life, yes, I have a boy-crush on W. Ellington Felton. I just really want to be his friend -- isn't that corny? I really like his music and I "get" what it is that he's saying. I listen to him perform live and he reminds me of a few other straight male friends that I have.

I can listen to his music all day, all night, and never get tired. Not too many artists can do that for me.

So even though he's straight, I want y'all in the DC area to support my boy-crush.

And now, "The Other." He is a real life crush I have, but alas, he is also straight. Actually, this isn't a crush at all -- I just really really want to fool around with him. Slutty, huh? Yeah, that's me.

It's kind of amazing, actually. It takes so little for me to be loyal to a man -- if I like you, I will NEVER be disloyal. I might be attracted to other dudes, but I'll never flirt, never cheat, hell, will barely look at a dude. I don't have it in me to be unfaithful, even mentally.

But when I am single and completely unattached -- boy am I ever a horny son of a bitch.

So "the Other" is someone I see on a regular basis under normal circumstances. He's quite handsome. Sorta reminds me of Djimon Honsou when he was in the "Love Will Never Do" video. But not quite. He's definitely not the typical dude I'm attracted to. I tend to get with skinny guys for dome reason -- more of a coincidence than a preference. This dude is pretty thick. Not big, but not skinny. Bigger than me.

I've been having dreams about him this past week. Nothing major, nothing overtly sexual, but there are some erotic undertones. And I wake up horny as all get out, too.

But as I said, he's straight, so nothing will come of it. I won't ever tell him "Gee, [The Other], I really want to fool around with you right quick. Let's do this."

If I thought it would work, I'd sho nuff say it just like that, too.

That was pretty much my life at Georgetown. I was surrounded by fine men -- and I do mean SURROUNDED BY FINE MEN. And I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Poor me.

If you're a basketball fan, then you had all you needed right there on campus. But to be perfectly honest, the basketball players weren't the most handsome men on campus. Sure, they were nice enough, but there were only about four who I would have hollered at the whole time I was there.

Then you had the football team -- that's where the winners were. You not only had the height and the muscles, but you had some real handsome dudes who were pretty social and outgoing.

But track.....track is where the freaks were. (Or so we heard.) The men on the track team were lean, fine men. Partiers. At Georgetown you had BPPs (Black people parties), WPPs (white people parties), and then Track Parties. Track parties were the best of both worlds. You had the liquor of white folks parties, the music of black folks parties, and the finest men on campus. What more could you want?

Oh my god, the memories all come flooding back.

I remember being at a party my Junior year. The party room had a mezzanine that me and my girl used to stand on and dance so we could see the entire party below us. It was a nice mix of seeing everything while being on display. Anyway, so during that time, my favorite jams were "No Matter What They Say" by Lil Kim (because I had come out and didn't care what people said) and "That's What I'm Looking For" by Da Brat. Oh yeah, my other jam was "You Owe Me" by Nas and Ginuwine. If you played all three of those back to back, it was the equivalent of giving me a line of coke. I would be too damn hype.

(Not that I know anything about coke, I swear to god.)

So "That's What I'm Looking For" came on while we were on the mezzanine. Why would my fool ass POINT TO DUDES on the dance floor while singing along?

Where my rag wearing soldiers that
Love to watch the dough stack
Never leave the house without their strap
(That's what I'm looking for)

point...point....point
"Rashid, oh my God, what are you doing?"

They know just what RASHID need
Keep a big bank roll and a bag of weed
When it's time to go down they ain't scared to freak, shit
(That's what I'm looking for)

"Don't worry about it girl, I'ma HAVE me one of these men tonight!"
point....point....point

Where my Rolley wearing thugs who
Claim they don't love you
But any time you want something done, they do it
(That's what I'm looking for)

The ball all night type
Frontin', screaming, thug life
That's the type of nigga I like
(That's what I'm looking for)

Well, I never did have any of those men that I pointed to, and I guess it turned out better that way. I guess one good thing was that I never got my ass beat, either. Had it been any other school, I probably would have had my ass handed to me. But I reckon I was just too bold back then! I ain't give a shit, I swear. I was so sick of being dateless and desparate that maybe, just maybe if I was "out there" in my boldness, somebody would man up and approach me.

But again, it never happened. Georgetown was probably the straightest place a gay black man could go to college. I feel so bad for the gay black men who go their now...I hope sincerely that they are finding what they need!

And I guess that's enough of my walk down memory lane for now! PEACE OUT!

Posted on February 5, 2005 at 3:25 PM | Comments (3)

He's Out of My Life

Last night, I talked to him for the last time.

I told him I had a lot on my mind, like being sick, missing my event at American, and other things.

What else, he asks.

I told him that a friend of mine (M) has a big mouth, and if he wants things that he says between the two of them to remain in confidence, then he needs to explicitly tell M that.

He said he didn't tell M anything that he considered private. I said I know you didn't, I'm just telling you that it gets back to me. You know, it's really frustrating and really hurts when you hear your friend say "He really likes you, Rashid! It's just that he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship right now. He thinks you're a sweetheart, and he wasn't relationship oriented before, but now he is. He just needs somebody to be with him in Philly."

Excuse me? First of all, you think I don't know this?

Second of all, why the fuck are you having conversations about me? Not saying that isn't allowed, but at least pick a friend who isn't going to run back and tell me. I know that conversations will occur, but don't involve me in them.

And finally.....nigga, if you're not relationship oriented, how the fuck did you get in one before me? Unfortunately, I never did get to address that point, because in the end it was irrelevant.

I told M that if he didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship, he should have never pursued me at all! Dare I say he was relentless in the beginning? Fuckin asshole.....I told him at the outset that I'd probably never date someone like him even if I was in Philly, quite simply because he's not OUT and I am a big gay writer writing big gay books. I mean come on.....how can I date someone whose friends don't know? Whose family doesn't know? I can't....I can't do it.

But he told me not to count anything out, to see where things lead. And against my better judgment, I did. And I liked him. I liked him a whole hell of a lot and I was quite glad that I ignored the fact that he wasn't an out and proud gay man.

In fact, he's bi. Damn, I really forgot he's bi. I guess I was on this "love the person, not the sexuality" thing.

So after I told him that M has a big mouth, I found it in me to tell him that I was frustrated. I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to be "just friends" when we were NEVER EVER EVER just friends. Were we just friends when I got my first graders sing to you over the phone after you fell down the steps and sprained your ankle? Were we just friends when you told me you just wanted to hold me, lay with me, talk to me all night? Were we just friends when we beat our dicks and listened to each other come over the phone?

Didn't think so.

So how can I get to a "just friends" place when that was never my objective, and wasn't his until recently?

He asked me what I wanted from him. I told him he couldn't give me what I wanted. I want you to love me, I said. To give what we had a fighting chance. But in abscence of that, I want you to leave me alone.

A little more was said -- can't quite remember what or in what order, but the last thing I rememeber is asking him if he felt like he and I would ever have a chance. He said "I don't know." I said well when you do know, you know how to contact me. It's not fair to expect me to be part of your life, feeling how I feel and getting nothing in return. Then I said I'd talk to him later.

I don't quite feel "sad" but I don't feel extremely happy, either. I know that this is something I should have done a long time ago, because I feel like his mission was just to maintain a situation in which I didn't hate him. Understandable, because no one wants to be hated. And hell, look at me -- if I was him, I wouldn't want the door completely closed on a future with me.

BUT, if I really was him, I would have never let me go. I would have never let a paltry distance like the space between Philadelphia and DC come between something special. I got sick of hearing about how much money he was spending on himself and not on investing in us. I don't want to hear about your Sidekick II or the neckties or the trips or whatever the fuck else you're doing with the money from your two jobs when a train ticket to DC costs HOW MUCH and you STILL haven't made the trip? Nigga, that's some bullshit. If you was gangsta, you would have BEEN taken a day trip to see me. If you was gangsta, you would have sent me a card -- get well card, hello card, something. I guess I'm just mad about how much I put out to prove to him that I was for real and how very little he put out to manifest how he felt about me. But as I said to him last night, I can't EXPECT anything from someone who just doesn't feel the same way! D'uh! I got NOTHING from someone who feels NOTHING!

Makes sense, right?

So in the end, he was just another nigga. Sucks to be me, but I can do better.

Amazingly, I'm not sad.

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

That was "I Can't Make You Love Me." PEACE

Posted on February 4, 2005 at 6:55 AM

On the mend

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and trying to explain to him the depths of despair that I was in. I felt so bad yesterday -- I couldn't even talk without coughing. Everything I said was a whisper. I haven't been able to do ANYTHING since last Wednesday. I thought talking to this friend would make me feel better somehow. You know how I said earlier that being sick reminds me how alone I am? Well I assumed -- hoped, rather -- that this would be the one person who makes me feel less alone. I was very worried that I would lose my sub assignment if I was sick any longer -- it's happened before.

I got off the phone feeling worse. I didn't feel like he really knew what to do or say to make me feel better. I know he can't give me cough syrup or tuck me in bed -- I know he can't/won't come in from out of town to take care of me. I wanted to hear so much from him. I wanted him to say all that bullshit you tell the person you love when they're feeling down: "If I was there, I would....." or "Don't worry, if you lose your job you can sell poems on the street for a dollar" or...I don't know.

I guess he wouldn't know unless I told him. And if I tell him, it would be with the hope that he would change. And why should I ask him to change for me? Has he yet?

So I got off the phone with him and coughed. Then I prayed. All week I had been praying for God to heal me. Then for some reason, I prayed for something different -- I prayed for strength.

And you know what? I think it worked. Before I even put head to pillow last night, I was feeling better. I was pretty sure I wouldn't feel well enough to work, but I was hopeful. I looked at my phone and knew he wouldn't call me back -- he didn't, and I was cool with that. I'm not relying on him to give me something he can't or won't.

Of course I'm sad because this is another blow to us. Another sign that it was probably never meant to be. Another sign that you can't make someone to be something they aren't. You can't make someone work for something YOU think is worth having -- even if that something is you.

I still cough, but I feel better.

Posted on January 31, 2005 at 3:30 PM

I wish I didn't take things so seriously.....

So him sent out a little joke email about valentine's day.....I took that thing so seriously. Ugh. It's like somewhere inside me I was like wow, maybe I can be his Valentine FOR REAL! Oh boy!

Yeah right....what was I thinking? I went to sleep and woke up kicking myself.

I internalize EVERYTHING.

*****

I have a cold. I'm not working today. That's a day's pay down the crapper.

Maybe I can find ways to sell copies of this novel....

Posted on January 26, 2005 at 6:34 AM

the next morning...

So I woke up and my stomach STILL hurts.

I am trying to eat some crackers and drink some water before I go to work because on Wednesday, I got pretty dizzy for some reason. I assumed it was because I hadn't eaten anything yet, so I ate my lil breakfast bar and felt better. So logically, if I ate BEFORE I got to work, I wouldn't feel dizzy, right? Plus I know I am a little dehydrated.

At 7 or so, I will decide whether I am going to tell my principal I need to leave early.

I didn't expect him to call last night. I was actually pretty wrapped up in ER so I didn't really remember to be neurotic about his call. It would have been nice, but jeez, what am I thinking? I all but told him there wasn't anything else to talk about. So I shouldn't expect his call. Should I?

This really fucking sucks.

One thing I've learned over the years is that just because somebody doesn't talk to you doesn't mean they aren't thinking of you.

Which is a pretty lame axiom. Fuck thinking about me, call me dammit! lol. In general, that is. If he called me, what would I even say? I don't know.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want from him right now or in the future. This is really hard.

Posted on January 21, 2005 at 6:20 AM

toooo much info

Okay, my stomach is REALLY doin flip flops, and it ain't stress! I think it's because I drank a big old thing of sparkling cider for no apparent reason after dinner.

[brief hiatus to run BACK to the bathroom]

Okay. So upon further reflection, I have decided that maybe it's stress after all. Yes, I did drink a lot of sparkling cider for some unknown reasons, and no, I don't normally even drink apple juice, which they say will make you wanna go. But yeah...it was a rough day for the kid.

Things are pretty much pfft with me and him.

God man, I love him.

Now, those of you who read this know I'm not going to put his business out there. Even though this is a public diary, some things need to stay sacred. But I want to be with him...bad...and it's just not happening.

Fuck, my stomach hurts.

It's cold comfort to hear that it's really not me. And in a way, I know it's not my fault, but I still feel like whatever I had going wasn't enough to keep him, wasn't enough to make him feel like the whole thing was worth working out with me and not without me.

Maybe I shouldn't have eaten the Skittles. Or the Peach Rings.

Maybe I should have hung in there a little longer, but why? I know how the fuck I feel....and I know how I feel when my calls aren't returned. To do so much for one person -- shit, why do I do that? Throwin motherfuckin twenty dollar bills into wishing wells....

I love you
          because you made me
                      want to love you
          more than I love my privacy
                      my freedom         my commitments
                                 and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
          to love you

How can I give somebody space and time when that's how I feel? Nikki Giovanni knows.

All I can forsee now is throwing myself back into LAZARUS....I got books to write, books to sell. No fuckin point in giving energy, time, stuff to someone when it ultimately won't come back. I'm keeping my twenties from now on....walking right on by those wishing wells, thank you very much. It's 2005....I ain't got time for reruns from 2000.

I'm sad as fuck, I ain't gonna lie, lol. And I don't know where I'm going from here with HIM. All I can do is guard my heart from now on....more than ever before.

You know I don't want to be without you...but if you were me, what would you do?

Posted on January 20, 2005 at 11:03 PM

I think it's time....

I wrote this early in the morning on December 24, 2004. It's time to share it:

In my heart, there is a sinking feeling that the conversation is about to happen.

“Rashid, I got your package…we need to talk. I think what you are feeling for me is different from what I feel for you. Maybe we should slow down…just be friends.”

That is both my greatest fear and my only reality. It’s a recurring nightmare that only happens when I’m awake.

It’s tough…sad…ironic, I guess. We’re always told to be ourselves, but for me, being myself has either tuned men off or frightened them away. Or maybe both, who knows?

I have been trying to convince myself that I am trippin’, that I am being insecure because of my past experiences, that HE IS NOT THEM. “If I am myself,” I think, “then he’ll like me, care about me, need me, want me in his life.”

I shouldn’t worry – I am tight, I am together, I write books and shit – but I do worry.

When I was a senior in college, I met a guy from BlackPlanet who was a Senior at Cornell. I thought this guy was GREAT. Dreads down his back, handsome, smart. We talked a lot. Not every day – neither of us had cell phones. We spoke over a few months until we finally decided that I would take the bus to Ithaca to visit him. You know it was crucial if I skipped my senior Homecoming to meet him.

When I got there, day was night and he wasn’t the person I thought he was. Physically, he was the same. Emotionally, he was straight up demonic in how he treated me. I wasn’t feeling well the first night, having been on the road a lot longer than I anticipated. I thought he and I could stay in. This nigga goes out without me and comes back drunk and high. Next day, he tells me he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore.

I can’t believe how much I still remember. He lay in his bed and couldn’t even face me as he told me that I wasn’t all that he thought I was.

That second night he went out and didn’t come back at all, not even to put me back on the bus. I had more quality time with dude’s roommate. (Who, coincidentally, knew some other Georgetown folks from Inroads.)

It seems like I cried all the way from Ithaca to New York City, numb by the time I made it to the Port Authority, an hour late because of an accident our bus had right outside of the Lincoln (or Holland?) Tunnel. When I got back to DC, I barely talked to anyone. I was so angry at myself for falling for someone who had the capacity to treat me so bad. Mad at myself for going all the way to Ithaca to meet someone from the internet. Just mad.

I mean, the shit was reciprocal until we met face to face. To this day, I can only speculate as to what was going on in his mind. Maybe he was repulsed by me in some way – my body is not one of an athlete and I’ve always needed to work out more, tone up a bit.

Or maybe he was expecting more. Fireworks. Magic.

I don’t know. I’ll never know. To make the situation worse, he decided to stop speaking to me entirely. He never once gave me a reason why. After I thought the smoke had settled, months later I emailed him. He asked me not to contact him again.

That was over four years ago now. Am I over the situation? Good God, yes. I don’t want that boy! Who wants a fuck up? I don’t miss (or remember, for that matter) how he made me feel. I don’t miss the poetry or his soft, kind words. They’ve been replaced by the sour memories who he really is. That’s permanent.

Yes, I am over the situation, but I acknowledge it as a starting point. It was the first time that I had strong feelings for someone (and it was reciprocated at first!) and that’s how I got treated.

I used my experience with him to learn, grow, and not make the same mistakes. I became better at reading people, or so I thought. Hell, that experience even brought me closer to my mom.

Thing is, just because I had one fucked up experience doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have more. Although I learned lessons, it doesn’t mean that what happened to me was my fault. Some things you just can’t predict.

So at 3:15am, these are the things I think about, even writing it out in long hand in case I talk myself out of posting it to my blog.

I sit here watching/listening to “Sign O the Times” and wondering why he hasn’t called me back.

I try so hard to be logical when it comes to him. I try to look at his actions and let them speak on his behalf. BECAUSE I AM INSECURE! I know that he is not them. I tell myself that damn near every day. I’ve met him at an entirely different point in my life. I am mature, focused, seasoned, driven. I’ve written two books and I’m about to publish one. I’ve written hundreds of poems, I’ve got a website, and I’m finna blow up! I am trusting, but cautious; loving, but temperate; as open and honest about my feelings as I ever was, if not more.

Which is where everything usually falls apart…

Not too long after the Cornell situation came and went, I found myself in another situation that was even more passionate and with a further distance. He’s my friend.

Our dance lasted for months, then years, with periods of bitter silence, then months of magic. I love him. But I promised myself I’d never love him again, especially since he never loved me in the same way.

Hold up. How in the hell did I find myself in that situation? Didn’t I learn before?

Well, this was different. This guy…my friend…we have a mutual friend. That’s really how we met. None of this BlackPlanet “I’ve never met you but I’m in love with you” bullshit. It’s so much different when you’ve “known” the person through your friends for years.

Didn’t make the situation less fucked up though.

Since my hand is cramping – and out of respect for my friend – I’ll summarize the whole sordid affair this way:

Everyone who loves you isn’t good for you. Some people who think they love you can’t, not in the way you really need to be loved. And they might just REALLY love you, but you’ve got to see the signs. Listen with your heart and your mind. If you can’t accept everything about the one you love, you’ve got to let them go! Expecting them to change for YOU is foolish and toxic to your relationship.

I loved him, but I should have run.

I’ve learned, though, a lot. I was hurt deeply and lastingly by actions and inactions, but I also recognize my own culpability in the situation. I wanted things to exist that weren’t there – he behaved as though something was there, when there wasn’t. A bad combination indeed. He and I both created reciprocity where there was none, if you can understand that. I liked being loved, he liked loving, but the motives were wrong.

Wow…did I just admit that I was wrong about something?

I love him. I’ve spoken to him every day since we first met. His voice comforts me. I like him. I think he’s smart and witty as well as very handsome. I like that fact that he wants everything “just so” – a bit of a perfectionist. I admire his independence. He is devoted to his friends. What’s more, though, is that I DON’T like everything about him – that’s how I know I love him! I think he’s a picky eater! He’s a little curt sometimes! And dammit, why must he have so many friends?! I haven’t created some utopia around him…if we were to get together, seriously, commit and all that, it wouldn’t always be good times. There would be battles. But I’m proud of myself for not recreating him as a demigod.

I accept these idiosyncrasies because they are part of who he is. I don’t expect him to like Indian food just because I do. I don’t expect him to be Mr. Nice Guy just because I am Mr. Sensitivity. And I wouldn’t dare expect or demand that he lose a few friends. I like him BECAUSE of all those things. And I hope he likes me for me, because I’ve shown him nothing but that.

The problem is that he knows I love him. ARGH! Now what would I want to go and tell him that?

But I do. I do! Not on some old “in love” bullshit, I don’t even know if I believe in that. But do I love him? I look at my actions. I listen to my thoughts. Yes, yes I do. I would not behave in the way I do if I wasn’t loving him.

Since my greatest insecurity is rejection, and my heart is now on my sleeve, my fears are dictating that it’s only a matter of time before he says “Hold up partner…” and tells me he’s not feeling me like THAT.

I KNOW he’s not THEM. But THEY were all different from each other, too.

Are they all THEM?

Either I am really tired or that was pretty damn deep.

So, for now, I wait. I trip. I talk to him, then I wait some more. Either I will be told that I’m not being felt all like THAT, or something else.

And considering the former is all I know, I can’t even tell you what the “something else” could be…

Posted on at 7:22 AM

eh

It's like.....throwing a twenty into a wishing well and expecting change back.....

Posted on January 19, 2005 at 6:36 AM

Wonderful by Annie Lennox (From the Bare album)

I wanna have you
'Cause you're all I've got
Don't wanna lose you
'Cause it means a lot
All the joy this world can bring
Doesn't give me anything
When you're not here ...

Idiot me
Stupid fool
How could you be
So uncool?
To fall in love with someone who
Doesn't really care for you
It's so obscure...

But I feel...
Wonderful
Yes I feel...
Wonderful

Got it makes me be so blue
Everytime I think about you
All of the heat of my desire
Smokin' like some crazy fire
Come on here
Look at me
Where I stand
Can't you see my heart burnin'
In my hands?
Do you want me?
Do you not?
Does it feel cold baby?
Does it feel hot?

I wanna hold you
And be so held back
Don't wanna need you
But it's where I'm at
Thinkin' bout you every day
How come I was made that way?
It's so surreal...

But I feel... wonderful
Yes I feel ... wonderful

Posted on January 17, 2005 at 2:57 PM

I don't know what to make of it

You know how you have a dream but you don't remember it until later on in the day? It almost feels like you didn't have a dream, but something left an impression on you? I've had some kind of dream about him twice this week, but I can't remember ANYTHING about the dream. It's just like all of a sudden while walking to work or eating lunch, I remember.

It's weird.

Posted on January 14, 2005 at 7:34 AM

Withdrawal like a mofo!

Although it's probably temporary, I'm going through some serious HIM withdrawal this morning! I mean damn! Who knew that not talking to him for one day would hit me like this?

So yesterday morning, things were cool. Woke up, did my thing. Nothing special. On a normal day, might have sent him a "have a good day" text message. On an even better day, I might have called him as he was on the train headed to work. But not yesterday. It wasn't like a big internal battle, just more like "Today is the first day I'm giving HIM time for ... him..." LOL

Since all the bad stuff had been lifted off my heart the night before, I was able to proceed throughout my day pretty well. None of the feeling mad/sad/confused/disappointed. I think one time in the afternoon, I may have thought of him and smiled, spontaneously. One of my kids caught me smiling, and she smiled back. That was kind of weird, but fun...me thinking of him made someone else smile.

Wow, that's kind of profound...and it's making me a little verklempt right now.... Okay...whew, that's better.

I really, really wanted to get home in enough time to log onto AIM and say hi to him. I didn't want him to think I was being MEAN and had blocked him off of AIM. I mean, I don't THINK he'd think that, but then again maybe he did. I might. Would I? I don't know.

See how neurotic I am? Welcome to my daily existence.

So since I didn't get home until after he got off work, missing him on AIM, I felt a little disappointed, but thought it was for the best. Gotta give him his own time to work things out without interference.

Continued with my day, chatted a lot, returned a lot of emails, got a posting in my guestbook from a homophobe, and watched some MTV. By the end of my evening, I was tempted to send him a text message, but it was late, and AGAIN, wanted to give space.

I slept well....I was kinda cold, but it was a good night.

But NOW? Got damn I want to talk to him....not for any particular reason, not for any declaration of love, not to even ask "do you miss me." I'm just USED to talking to him....it's weird not calling or receiving his call.

I like him. I don't really want to be without him.

I hope I get home earlier today.

Posted on January 7, 2005 at 5:53 AM

Out of My Hands

Well, I had a good night's sleep. I was ACTUALLY tired before I went to bed, so I knew it would be a decent night.

We spoke. Apologies were had. Questions were asked. Where are we going? What do you need?

Space was given, time was given....

And now it's out of my hands....I'm going to keep doing what I need to do regardless. If it's meant to be, it will be. I care. I love. But I realize that things need to be....yoked equally? Did I even use that correctly...probably not....

Even though this is a ....I don't know, break? Hiatus? Sabbatical? I don't feel bad....I mean yes, the journey is his, the power (so to speak) is in his hands to decide what he wants. I know that he doesn't live for hurting me...so in a way, even if he tells me what "we" are won't work...well, it will suck ass! But I know it won't have been for lack of trying.

Make sense? Hope so. I don't play games with people, never have, never will. I feel cool with how I interact with people on this level. No regrets, no regrets.

*sigh*

Posted on January 6, 2005 at 6:48 AM

argh

Another sleepless night.....maybe too much on my mind, maybe my bed is too hard, maybe it's too stuffy. Odd, because my allergy medicine usually makes me sleepy.

He didn't call me. Should I assume another calamity has befallen him, or should I assume he's being spiteful?

I saw a side I hadn't seen before, but perhaps I knew it was there.

I don't know....I just want to talk about it and move on.

I just don't understand how I could be SO misunderstood after all that I've said and done.

Posted on January 5, 2005 at 5:52 AM | Comments (0)

eh

I kinda had a bad day.

I had the angry/sad/disappointed/confused feeling all day long.

Posted on January 4, 2005 at 5:10 PM | Comments (0)

:-/

Trippin'......

Posted on December 22, 2004 at 6:09 AM

Sex & the Cancer Man

Got this from an email....

Like the rest of their life, a sexual encounter with Cancer is much
like a slow dance, but if you've got the right moves, you can take
the Crab on a torrid tango. Ole! The emotional firepower that can be
aroused within Cancer usually manifests itself as a series of
wonderful fantasies and less as sexual acrobatics. Either way, it's
pure pleasure for both partners. The Crab is also quite intuitive and
can generally sense what their lover wants, which makes an encounter
between the sheets a finely-tuned union. Cancer's feminine side is
often on display in the bedroom, which means the Crab enjoys being
made love to. The good news is that the Crab is a very receptive
student! With the Crab, sex often equals love and its nurturing
aspects (such as home and hearth), so anyone who can appeal to this
sign's deep need for security is likely to unleash a volcanic
eruption of sensual treats. Being a Water sign, Cancerians are quite
fond of sex on the beach or in the sea.

Aries and Sex
The Ram is more of a tiger where sex is concerned and, like many
other sleek animals, loves the hunt -- that steady pursuit of the
ultimate prize. Aries is a physical and fearless lover and is blessed
with the stamina to go all night long. They are not afraid to
experiment sexually in their quest for pleasure, which means an open-
minded lover is a must. The Mile-High Club must have been invented
for these folks! It's safe to say that Aries' lover must be able to
satisfy, or the Ram will move on. The dominant sexual partner will
likely be the Ram, and while eroticism is important, a mental
connection is also favored by this sign. As if Aries weren't
passionate and demanding enough, they also want to be made to feel
secure in a sexual relationship, lest jealousy rear its ugly head.

Taurus and Sex
Taurus is one alluring package, thanks in part to their love of
beautiful things. Those lucky enough to snare this lover will find
that the best, amazingly, has been hidden from view! In private, the
Bull is an intense partner, and one quite happy to have sensual
encounters go on all night long. The Energizer Bunny of the Zodiac
has arrived! These days and nights of play should be punctuated with
conversation, fantasies, seduction, even a few edible treats, the
better to create the perfect mood. Sex as a release from the more
practical aspects of life is often all the Bull wants. If this play
date can be scheduled for Taurus's beloved home, all the better,
since comfort is always on the Bull's mind.

Gemini and Sex
The Twins aren't asking for much, just someone who will stimulate
their mind for a great time. Of course, those mental hijinks need to
have a bit of follow-through, so a lover with variety on their mind
will score a perfect 10. That said, a quickie in the back seat of a
fast car is just what the doctor ordered on some days. Face it, this
sign is versatile! Most of all, though, sex is a mental sport for
Gemini. The act begins in the head and works its way down and around.
Gemini is always in search of the perfect lover and the perfect
sexual experience. Once they (hopefully) find it, they will want, and
give, stimulation to all the senses, for sight, sound and touch are
all important. Bottom line: The Twins want something different and
something complete. Not too much to ask, right?

Cancer and Sex
Like the rest of their life, a sexual encounter with Cancer is much
like a slow dance, but if you've got the right moves, you can take
the Crab on a torrid tango. Ole! The emotional firepower that can be
aroused within Cancer usually manifests itself as a series of
wonderful fantasies and less as sexual acrobatics. Either way, it's
pure pleasure for both partners. The Crab is also quite intuitive and
can generally sense what their lover wants, which makes an encounter
between the sheets a finely-tuned union. Cancer's feminine side is
often on display in the bedroom, which means the Crab enjoys being
made love to. The good news is that the Crab is a very receptive
student! With the Crab, sex often equals love and its nurturing
aspects (such as home and hearth), so anyone who can appeal to this
sign's deep need for security is likely to unleash a volcanic
eruption of sensual treats. Being a Water sign, Cancerians are quite
fond of sex on the beach or in the sea.

Leo and Sex
As befits a Fire sign, there is a great physicality, white heat and
ardor which emanates from the Lion -- in the right circumstances. The
Lion wants action first and foremost, and if the moves are being made
on them, all the better. When Leos are being made love to (slow,
steady love), they are flattered into a state of ecstasy. This kind
of approach will help create a Lion who is a very confident lover.
Leos are utterly aroused when a partner revels in their beauty and
aura and tells them how wonderful it is. As their gracious gift, the
Lion will show their partner just how much that compliment meant! The
Lion loves seduction and foreplay, and a well-placed mirror or two
would be nice, too, since that flowing mane and cat-like quality are
begging to be watched.

Virgo and Sex
So often, the sizzle in sex is in the details, and Virgo is a master
of minutiae. The lover as perfectionist is Virgo personified: someone
who will see to it that the little things are never overlooked.
Virgos finish what they start in the bedroom, and this cozy chamber
is likely to be a dreamy den decorated with discriminating taste. The
servant in Virgo is only more than happy to be everything their lover
desires; if that lover can bring out Virgo's sensual self, the reward
will be a most liberated lover. A cool exterior tends to mask Virgo's
wild side, often a fantasy world filled with erotica safely under
wraps. The lover who can reach these sexual treats through artful
seduction is lucky in love indeed.

Libra and Sex
Sex is often mental for Air signs, and Libra is no exception. These
great communicators are possessed of a strong intellect, and these
mental fireworks often manifest themselves in the thorough
exploration of a lover. Only the brave need apply! Since the Scales
like to be in balance, though, they are often thinking of what both
partners want. A marked distaste for confrontation can sometimes be
perceived as disinterest on Libra's part, but it's more often just a
deep-down desire to please. Libras love seduction and foreplay, and
plenty of talk leading to some hot action. If this is all achieved in
the right luxurious setting, watch out! Libras swathed in riches are
a pleasure to behold. Libra loves the thought of a gifted and
attractive partner, since they feel their partner is receiving just
that. It's safe to say that a little erotica goes a long way with the
Scales, since these folks can be oh-so-playful with their toys.

Scorpio and Sex
The Sex God of the Zodiac has quite a lot to live up to! The Scorpion
does just that, thank you very much. The sexual prowess and drive of
those born under this sign is legendary. Scorpions smolder with every
come-hither look, alluring wink of an eye and mysterious stare. If
you want to ride a tiger to an emotional and sexual crescendo, jump
on the curvy back of the sleek Scorpion. The Scorpio lover has an
almost hypernatural libido, and loves giving sensual pleasure,
although receiving it is nice, too. Variety as the spice of life is
the golden rule here, and Scorpio loves to choreograph the scene for
maximum mutual satisfaction. Any lover stepping into this lair best
be ready, since keeping up is a must. Scorpions adore a lover who can
go on forever, the perfect gift for this truly sexual being. If that
lover brings some toys along, things will be tied up oh-so-neatly.
Ooh.

Sagittarius and Sex
The Archer is a Fire sign: 'Nuff said, at least where sex is
concerned. The initial Sagittarian response where sex is concerned is
through physicality, as opposed to emotion or practicality. The
Archer is not shy, and like the half beast/half human that he/she
represents, is quite the sexual animal. In other words, these folks
are always ready! Sagittarians like to enjoy many an erotic
experience, in keeping with their outgoing and sociable nature. Their
great libido also lends itself best to an artistic and graceful
lover, qualities they very much admire. Trying new things is also
often on the Archer's mind, and when their lover says sex on the
beach, they had best not be referring to a fruity drink. The
Sagittarian's thirst for knowledge is often quenched through straight
talk in bed, a way to combine two of their favorite pleasures.
Sagittarians can also grow to worship a worthy lover, a fitting
response to this holiest of acts.

Capricorn and Sex
Behind that cool Capricorn exterior lies a white-hot interior waiting
to be discovered by a worthy lover. Splendor beneath the sheets is
likely to be a straight-ahead affair for the Sea Goat, since this
practical Earth sign doesn't need anything flashy or fancy to get
aroused. The arousal here is from being happily in love, since love
and sex do go hand in hand for Capricorn. The Sea Goat is a
persistent, passionate and loyal lover, so whoever is on the
receiving end is in for a guaranteed good time. While Capricorns
abhor being dependent on their lover, they would certainly like to be
nurtured by them and exposed to new levels of delight. There is no
doubting that the frisky Sea Goat can explode with an understanding,
strong and libidinous partner.

Aquarius and Sex
As befits an Air sign, Aquarians tend to approach sex via the mind.
If they can share and discuss their thoughts with their lover,
matters in bed will be greatly enhanced. Their natural curiosity will
also lead them to experiment with creative play between the sheets,
so watch out! Pushing the envelope is a natural response for these
folks, and they'll continually test the waters for ever greater
pleasures. A delicious mystery lurks beneath the surface of these oft-
controlled souls, and the lover who can call their bluff is in for a
wild ride. The issue of mind vs. body, and which is more important,
is also with the Water Bearer. A lover who can convince them of the
pleasure principle will set this sexual being free.

Pisces and Sex
Sex is an emotional affair for the Fish, as is the case with much of
their lives. Pisces is a sensual and creative lover, adoring playful
sex and romping through erotic fantasies. Shyness goes out the door,
if it's the bedroom door we're talking about! The Fish has a great
appetite for sex and loves to keep things fluid and changeable. If
their lover can indulge them in flights of fancy, they'll be primed
all night long. For Pisceans, love and sex as a complete union is
best, the better to feel safe, free and totally uninhibited. The Fish
also loves to please their lover, so this union will definitely
sizzle for two. As for the sexiest kind of play, it's in the water
for the wet and wild Fish.

Posted on December 20, 2004 at 7:31 PM | Comments (1)

So it sucketh not so much....

Funny how one phone call can make you feel sooooo much better.

:-D

Gotta stop listening to those voices, you know?

The mantra is....say it with me....

HE AIN'T THEM.

Get it? Got it? Good.

Posted on December 12, 2004 at 11:35 AM

Liking somebody SUCKS!

When you like somebody....it's like you can't fall asleep right until you've spoken to them on the phone -- it's like you NEED them next to you, but it's okay (for now) if all you have is their voice on the phone and you don't have a hands-free device so you're kinda resting your elbow against the wall while you're laying down, talking, talking, talking, until nobody's talking and you you're actually sleeping and you know you're sleeping because all of a sudden you JERK yourself awake, say his name, and ask "You sleep?"

Yes, liking someone sucks.

Liking someone sucks because of all the guys I liked before. They made me neurotic. Okay, so I was neurotic before, but now I am like official and shit. I. Am. So. Scared. of getting hurt because no matter who, what, where, or when, they always hurt me SOMEHOW.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me thrice, I deserve to be dragged into the street and shot.

I am insecure now because of the others....insecure about my personality, my body, my sense of humor...perhaps, somewhere deep inside, I just don't feel good enough. And that's real.

I'm a pretty spazzed out individual sometimes. Now is one of those times. Because I LIKE somebody.

UGH!

I like him a lot. I know he is a good person. He calls me. A lot. I like that. It shows me he cares. It shows me he's thinking of me. Why doesn't that make me secure?

The reasons that I am insecure have nothing to do with him, so I shouldn't extend my blame to him. But I can't help it that he is in the category of "people who like me"....everyone who was once in that category eventually become "people who don't."

And I am scared of that. I am scared that everything I am feeling is going to turn out to be a big old waste of time because somehow, he is going to find SOMETHING wrong with me that is a DEALBREAKER.

I can't control it. I know. So it's not my fault if it happens. But dammit, I don't want to get hurt...again.

This was a rough weekend. I need him.

Bad.

Posted on at 7:37 AM

This is my hundreth post....

"She Ain't Right For You" - Macy Gray

Well, he's not coming down after all. Yeah, yeah, I'm sad and all that. I wasn't at first, but now I am. Trying to just be like fuck it but when you care for somebody so hard, it's never that simple.

Went to a bazaar at this elementary school today and got some secret santa gifts. Okay, so I don't know who I am secret santa-ing for yet because I didn't work on Friday, so I got some stuff that might be nice for either gender. Chances are I got a woman though.

Crap....I just realized I might not get a teacher at all....crap crap crap.

"Mercy Mercy Me" - Marvin Gaye

I wanted to mention that I saw a cute movie on the Disney channel this week. It was called Toothless. Basically, Kirstie Alley dies and has to become the Tooth Fairie before she can go to heaven. Crazy, right? But it was such a cute movie. I really liked it.

"Bossman" - Beenie Man ft Lady Saw and Sean Paul

This Morris Brown College situation....man....so apparently Tom Joyner made an offer to BUY Morris Brown College. Morris Brown turned him down.

"Part-Time Lover" - H-Town

And good for MBC! You can't BUY a non-profit entity! What the hell does Tom Joyner's bama ass know about owning a college? UGH. I wish a nigga would try to buy my school, even if it has lost its arccedidation. Yeah, that's probably my pride, Tom Joyner should never have gone on the radio and made the offer. That's not what higher education is all about. That's tacky, in my opinion.

If anything, he need to just make a DONATION instead of trying to buy the school. Hell, if he mad a donation of say $20,000,000 (which I'm sure he has) that might be one of the largest single donations by one black person ever made to a school.

Maybe, I am just guessing.

"Other Side of the Game" - Erykah Badu

Not to mention, Tom Joyner has a FOUNDATION. He can put his own money into the endowment, watch it make money, THEN give it to MBC. And even then, he can put limitations on the money. Legally, they can only spend gift money the way the donor says, or they have to give it back.

But...whatever....I'm no millionaire, you know?

******

I'm still sorta sad about this weekend....

"Thug Mentality" - Krayzie Bone

I don't know what I'm doing today....don't know what I feel like doing. Nothing, really. Maybe something related to LAZARUS....

Who knows.....

Posted on December 11, 2004 at 11:58 AM | Comments (0)

Nervous

I fell asleep right after he told me he'd call me back.

*sigh*

It's just days away. I can't help but be nervous.

Posted on December 7, 2004 at 2:21 AM | Comments (2)

Him

We talk a lot. But sometimes we stay on the phone and listen to each other breathe.

Every song I listen to reminds me of him, even the instrumentals. I imagine myself dancing with him in a club, feeling like it's just the two of us even though there are dozens more around us.

I like him. Lots.

Posted on November 28, 2004 at 11:28 AM

Get them while they're hot!

I fixed the pictures in the hottie list. I also opened the comments. Check em out!

Posted on November 26, 2004 at 1:28 PM

How I'm Feelin'.....

I'mm feelin' real good.

Trying not to get paralyzed by the fear one gets when everything is just too perfect.

I really like him. A lot.

I want everything to be just right.

I'm scared, a little. I'm more used to hurt than I am un-hurt, so I kinda don't know about all this "happiness" shit.

I don't want to disappoint him. But why would I? How could I? I don't know -- that's part of the fear.

I just want to be there with him.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH why am I actin' like a bia??? I am Rashid Darden, I don't stop for no man! *growl* I write books, bitch! *beating chest with fists*

*sigh*

These have been the best days of my life, though....it feels good to be liked.

Hey, I don't need nobody to like me!!! I ain't no bia! I'm the Ill Rah-Rah, dammit!

*sigh*

We'll see what happens. Hopefully, nothing but good.

Posted on November 22, 2004 at 7:01 AM

Collage Poem for him

All at once I knew -- I knew at once -- I knew he needed me

An empty room is merciless, don't be surprised if I confess:
I sometimes have the tendency to look at you
…religiously

So many nights…
So many dreams…
I shall not envy lovers, but long for what they share.

What the hell am I doing here?

My beating heart wants you
And my empty arms need you
You touch me; I hear the sound of mandolins
You are so beautiful to me
You kiss me; with your kiss my life begins
You’re spring to me
You're everything I need
…all things to me
Nothing even matters to me

Who would have thought his love could be so good?

Can't you see you're everything I hoped for?
If there's a thing that you need, I'd give you the breath that I breathe
Don’t you know you’re life itself?
I don't care if it hurts.
Just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me…

Nothing even matters to me
You're part of my identity
You've really got…
You've really got a…

…I don't belong here.
What the hell am I doing here?

*******

Mashed Up from:

"He Needs Me" by Shelly Duvall
"Creep" by Radiohead
"You've Really Got a Hold on Me" performed by the Beatles
"Not Me" performed by Boyz II Men
"Nothing Even Matters" by Lauryn Hill ft. D'Angelo
"You Light Up My Life" performed by Leanne Rhymes
"Wild is the Wind" performed by Cat People
"I've Fallen in Love With You" by Joss Stone
"You Are So Beautiful to Me" by Joe Cocker
"Whenever, Wherever, Whatever" by Maxwell

Posted on November 21, 2004 at 3:37 PM

freestyle

you don't know how happy i am
every single cell in my body
tries to jump out my body
and give you a hug
i am so fuckin ready
i tell you, but
you don't know how happy i
really
am
every hair on my body
even the ones entangled in dreadlocks
the ones on my legs
the fine ones on the back of my neck
they stiffen in the silence
my body makes love to you in between
sheets of soundlessness
but you don't know how happy i am
to be making love to you while my
body is absolutely still
i
like
you so fuckin much
like country people like grits
every song i play erases somebody else
in my mind
in my heart
and leaves only you
and i am like damn, could i be
a virgin once more?
that's like whoa
let me show you how happy i am

Posted on November 18, 2004 at 8:10 PM

Damn, Gina!

I can't believe I lost an entry.

Here I am typing away, then I fall asleep because I am really too tired to keep going. I leave the computer on, get up early, pop in my tape of ER, and resume typing.

Then somehow, I am working in Netscape, right click on a tab, and click "Close Other Tabs" instead of closing the one I wanted closed. Of course, I lost my entry.

Bah. Oh well. It's probably for the best. I'll try to recreate what I remember.

I love, but hate the feeling I get when I like someone....it's a great feeling, but it's toxic. See....when I like someone, I really like them. But I don't like everyone that way.....it's tough to explain....

It's a toxic feeling because, for me, it always turns out that the people I have these feelings for....well....they either can't return the feelings in the same way....or don't. And because the communication isn't where it needs to be, I end up getting hurt.

Ironically, I always tell a dude how I feel, at the beginning, middle, and end stages of a "relationship" -- indeed, that is what is probably intimidating about me, my ability to be candid with my emotions. I don't play games with people. Tell me the truth; I'll tell you the truth. So why is communication always a problem for me? Why do I always end up getting hurt by someone who "just" didn't like me the same way, when things were going so well, it seemed?

I don't guess that everyone I come into contact is wack. That would be the easy explanation. Okay, yes, some if not many men I've dated have been wack. (Ha ha, I just thought how funny it would be if I named names....) But some of these men are very beautiful people that I still hold some kind of feelings for, even if they are buried deep, deep inside and never mentioned or dealt with.

Not many men, just a few.

And I wonder what happened, what went wrong, what could I have done differently to avoid being hurt? How could I predict that someone I date faithfully for a few months all of a sudden stop calling me, stop emailing me...won't return my messages? How can anyone predict that somebody will turn into an asshole?

And I guess you can't, really....no matter how much screening I do, there is no way that I can predict that someone will spend time with me, know exactly what will hurt me most, and then use it against me. It happens. People do this. It hurts. It keeps me single.

So there's your answer. I am single because I am tired of being hurt be people I love.

That said....I can pretty much tell the type of man that has that "hurt-potential." It's not that I try to avoid him....but hey, who goes out looking for hurt, right? Not the kid.

I love, but hate the feeling I get just before I start liking somebody....the conversations on the phone...the emails...the text messages...everything's wonderful. You like thinking about that person....you smile like a little bitch when you're talking on the phone.

Yeah, that's me.

It's a scary feeling knowing that you could fall for someone.

So many things I'm goin' through
So much that I wanna do
It startin' to become so clear to me
Tomorrow ain't really what it seems...

Yeah....that's me.

I don't want to overthink this....oh hell, you know I wouldn't be me if I didn't overthink this. I have this thing where I think through every single scenario that could possibly happen in a given situation.

So I will TRY not to overthink this. I will TRY to let things flow. I will TRY to not become emotionally invested in hypotheticals, be they positive or negative.

I WILL always be honest and upfront with my emotions. Even though that doesn't give me the outcome that I WANT, it always gives me the outcome I need. If a man can't deal with the real me...the raw ME that exists beyond the dreads, the book, the flirtation....if he can't deal with what lies in my heart, then he's just not worth dealing with in the first place.

How you like them apples?

Posted on November 12, 2004 at 6:43 AM | Comments (0)

That's What I'm Looking For

So many people ask me why I'm single.

YOU TELL ME!!!!

Leave your comments! Why am I single? What do you think?

Posted on November 9, 2004 at 5:15 PM | Comments (3)

Sorta Down....

My kids have an assembly today, so that's good. I think they will do okay. I didn't have a bad day yesterday at work. With the exception of the normal drama that occurs among teachers, everything is going well. There will always be pettiness though...

I'm sorta down. I haven't really been right since Homecoming, really. Trying to figure out what exactly it is that I'm feeling, and I just don't know really.

I do know that I am missing some sort of intimacy in my life. All I really talk about is work and the book. People ask me "How is everything else?" and I think to myself, well what the hell else is there to possibly talk about? And then I realize oh....people want to know if I am dating. And I think to myself, what a silly question, of course I'm not.

It's not such a silly question though....I throw myself into my work with everything I'd got, just as I would a partner, a man, a significant other. I do it for the love of the art and because I care about my career as a writer, and my career as a teacher. But....I also know that I'd rather have it this way, after months and years of hurt.

Hurt sucks....I hate investing myself into someone only to have them change their minds about me. I wish you knew just how many times I *thought* I had something with someone, only to have them say "Let's just be friends" at best, or stop talking to me altogether. It happens...A LOT.

When one goes through that kind of pain, you don't want to repeat it. But at the same time, you miss out on intimacy. Sometimes, I just want somebody whose lap I can lay my head in. That's not even a sexual thing, ya dig?

But it's hard being an "average" gay man in this city....I'm not on the DL, but I'm not like the majority of gay men here. I don't like the various clubs here, mostly. I hate house music. I just don't like all the traditional things....I'd rather go to a nice neo soul kinda spot and listen to some live music. Doesn't have to be a gay club.

But then, what do I do to meet my soul mate? I don't want to pick somebody up in some meat market environment -- that's not me. I'm a fan of letting things happen naturally, meeting people by doing whatever it is you normally do. I think that's only right....it doesn't try to skew fate, and no matter what, you're already having fun, so you can focus on having fun, not on meeting someone.

I *should* be able to meet a potential date anywhere I go....

But then, maybe that doesn't apply to gay men who are average. For the most part, everything I do is in a hetereosexual environment. Don't get me wrong, I love gay people....but the typical avenues aren't my scene. The atypical avenues....and there are some...well, I won't say that I've exhausted all of my respurces, but I have to come out of my comfort zone just a little bit before I go to an Adodi meeting or one of these movie nights I keep hearing about.

It'll happen....sooner or later. Whether I follow a path that's been created already or if I have to create my own.

Cuz loneliness SUCKS, dude.

Posted on October 13, 2004 at 7:12 AM

"Bad" Dreams

So I had a dream......I was teaching in this very big elementary school that was built in an old style. It made me think of Wilson High School and other buildings constructed the same way. The music building was actually a one-room school house in itself that the music teacher was renovating by himself.

Later in the dream (how I made the transition, I don't know) I was picked up by this Que I used to mess with. I propositioned him for one thing, he said no.....I propositioned him for another thing, and he said yes....WHY did I have to wake up before the games began?

UGH.

Posted on October 1, 2004 at 6:47 AM | Comments (0)

The Top Ten Hotties

So on an irregular basis, I like to post my top ten hotties list. I've been doing this ever since I was on d.iaryl.and. These guys aren't the ONLY kinds of guys I will date...to be honest, personality goes a long way with me, so you definitely don't need to be perfect.

We always start this list with the hottie in training: Kwame Jackson from The Apprentice. Karamo from The Real World: Philadelphia. Actually they are more like honorable mentions until I see more of them.

So, without further ado, bring on the hotties:

#10 - Boris Kodjoe

Boris, why did you have to get engaged this year? Unfortunately, he lost mad hottie points, because well.....you can't be all unabashedly heterosexual on my hottie list! You have to be quietly hetero, not all engaged to your costars....anyway, look at him. It's Boris Kodjoe, how could he not be on my list?

**********

#9 - James Blake

He plays tennis. He, too, lost hot points this season because he cut his hair. I am not certain if he had dreadlocks or if they were just natty twists, but either way, it gave him mad sex appeal. He's still on the list though, because he's hot, and perhaps he will rise in his standings after the Olympic hottie season has officially ended.

**********

#8 - Dominic West

Unfortunately, he's the only white guy on my list. But fortunately, he's still hot. Dominic West appears as Detective McNulty on HBO's The Wire. His character is attractive because he is smart but flawed, talented but a little arrogant, and gives a human face to cops. Plus, hsi partner's a lesbian, so he gets cool points.

**********

#7 - Quddus

I've been feelin' Quddus ever since he first came to MTV, whenever that was. He's clearly biracial....in a way, reminds me of my former roommate. I like the fact that he isn't overly hip-hop or pop, but kind relates well to all people and all genres. Plus, he's hot. The slender, starving artist kind of hot.

**********

#6 - Kendis Gibson

Sooooo....how about I live for Headline News on the weekends so I can see this man? When I first saw him doing the news I was like "DAMN TED TURNER WE GOT IT LIKE THAT NOW?????" The man is not just hot....he's FINE. I hope somebody snags him quick, male, female, whatever. In journalism, he's got no place to go but up! He's hot, but I also admire him.

**********

#5 - Meteus Inocencio

He runs track for Brazil. What more is there to say?

**********

#4 - Dain Blanton

United States Olympic beach volleyball type person....somehow I watched the entire Summer Olympics and slept on Dain Blanton. HOT! He also reminds me of a frat brother of mine, who is handsome in his own right. Anyway...who knew beach volleyball dudes had it quite like that?

*********

#3 - Rhasaan Orange

He plays TEK or Thomas Edward Kramer on Days of Our Lives and in addition to being a freakin' hottie, he can act pretty well. If you tune into Days any time soon, please ignore the fact that the writing is horrible. My other problem with his character is that they forever have him wearing the ill party shirts with leather jackets. But....anyway, he reminds me of Quddus but a little thicker, at least when it comes to build.

**********

#2 - Lenny Kravitz

Dammit Lenny! (Picture with David Bowie) I was with you when you pressed you hair, but when you chopped it all off, you had a pea head! You used to be number one, and maybe when you get your fro back, you can take your rightful place....but until then....

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#1 - Maurice Greene!

Although I think this picture is from the Sydney Olympics in 2000, Maurice Greene is THE MAN. No, he isn't the "Greatest of All Time" as his tatoo says, but I am feeeeeeelin him hard. He is the only arrogant celebrity that I would ever put up with. The man is a great athlete....and....I might add....

HE'S HOT!!!!!!!!

Posted on September 17, 2004 at 7:38 PM | Comments (4)

White Boys

White boys are so pretty
White boys are so sweet
White boys drive me crazy
Drive me indiscreet ---- White Boys, from the musical Hair

Lately, I've had this "thing."

For twenty-five years of my life, I've been pretty much exclusively attracted to men of color. Okay, not the whole 25 years, but at least since puberty. I was raised in a 99 percent black environment here in DC...all I knew was black men and black women. My whole family is black except for my great-grandmother and an aunt by marriage.

Even when I went to college, I was mostly attracted to men of color. 'Ceptin' for this one dude who was Ukrainian, maybe? We kissed once. But once I turned 21, it was nothing but the Black and Latino brothers. FOUR YEARS at a white college, and white men never turned my head.

But now, I'm sorta....feenin' for one?

As much as I loathe the objectification of black men in popular media, here I am getting real enthusiastic about Dean Cain (part Asian), Ben Affleck, and Tobey McGuire.

It's not a universal kind of thing....I don't want EVERY white man. And I don't want a white man exclusively. I still see me spending my life with an African American or Latino man.

But I think I need to date some Caucasoids soon.....

Posted on July 25, 2004 at 6:26 PM | TrackBack