Have you seen him?
He looks like this....normal. Not all extra sexy GQ model....not all muscle-bound like a black Lou Ferrigno. He's not hyper-masculine or extra feminine. He's got straight teeth, fresh breath, great hygiene, and a weight proportionate to his height. He's normal. Just right, even.
He is not old enough to be my father or young enough to be my son.
He is outgoing outgoing, not obnoxious; laid back, but not passive or nonchalant; agreeable, not a pushover but not antagonistic; intellectual, but not a know it all.
He has a stable career or at least realistic and attainable professional aspirations. His hobbies and interests are legal and do not physically or emotionally harm him or others. He drinks....responsibly.
He's out to his family and his straight male friends. If he is not a Black gay man himself, he can empathize well.
He has an understanding and appreciation for fraternity and sorority life.
He lives in or near DC and transportation is not a problem.
He believes in God.
Have you seen him?
Posted on May 5, 2007 at 7:32 PM | Comments (0)
Leave me alone!
Leave me alone, you crazy fucking bastard.
Stop emailing me.
YOU HAVE A MAN.
I'm selfish and unfair? Isn't it more selfish to have a man yet continually reach out to me?
I HATE YOU.
You don't even know how to BE a friend, so how can you want a friendship with me? The one time I ever needed you YOU FUCKING STOOD ME UP AND AVOIDED ME FOR A WEEK.
And where were you? Too scared of the world to leave the bed.
GO FUCK YOURSELF and the caballo you rode in on.
Posted on March 29, 2007 at 8:57 PM | Comments (0)
Upon further reflection, I'm sure I did this before.
Posted on January 13, 2007 at 7:47 PM | Comments (0)
Welll....happy new year!
I am back from Louisville! I will probably talk about my convention experience in the next few days, but I wanted to focus on something else.
So last year, I had the pleasure of meeting a man face-to-face that I had known online for a few months prior to that.
As a matter of fact, let's tell the story from the beginning.
Last year, rather, in 05, I got an email from this guy. It was his work email address. It basically was like "Hi Rashid.... my friend _________ told me about your book. I was wondering if we could meet for lunch and I could buy your book?"
So instantly I am like uhhh, gross, he's trying to disguise his request for a date by saying he wants to buy the book! AND he emailed me from his WORK account!!!
So I respond by saying where he could purchase the book and thanks for the interest. I may have said something else about why I didn't/couldn't meet him. I can't remember. But I did think that was creepy.
When I was on A4A the first time around, I "met" this guy again..... he seemed really cool this time around. I'm not sure if he had purchased the novel by then, but he seemed more laid back, less pressed to meet me, etc. I saw his picture for the first time and thought he was handsome. But I once again was turned off because of something he said about DC men.... something like how all DC men are in a rush to be "bunned up" as we would say. How he just wants to "chill" and "kick it." To me, that said he just wanted to fuck something or someone.
Another turn off..... I am definitely in that category of men who would probably seem like I was in a rush to get bunned up, even if that wasn't necessarily the case. I treat dudes how I want to be treated, and that's like a King.
So I knew then that he wasn't "the one."
Fall of 05, I got hired in a seasonal position at this guy's job, but not at a site where we'd ever see each other. I honestly can't even recall if I made the connection that this guy worked there. Regardless, I got the job and somehow we made a friendly connection again.
Then a position became open within the organization that I wanted, and I went for it. I contacted him to let him know, and he was very helpful throughout the interview process. I didn't have any unfair advantages or anything like that, though.
Believe it or not, the first time we met face to face was at my first-round interview. I was like damn, look at this lanky caramel colored specimen.....I love lanky men, y'all, for real. So yes, I was attracted to him.
We talked later, and I told him something off-hand like "Yeah, too bad I am interviewing with this org, I would've loved to take you out." And he says something like "Yeah, I thought the same thing... too bad I have a boyfriend."
*screeeeeech*
Excuse?
So all the times we had talked about "his boy" he was conveniently leaving off the word "friend." I am not naive y'all, really I'm not. He NEVER said anything that implied he was taken -- not to mention, he had but six months earlier implied, no, outright said that he wasn't looking to settle down.
But here he is with some bitch, all bunned up.
I only call the dude "some bitch" because of how I felt at the time. I don't know dude at all. He's probably great.
So, I was disappointed, felt kind of awkward.
He actually interviewed me for my second round as part of a group. I was confident and whatnot, though I probably should have felt even more nervous.
Got the job....
Started the job....
Less that two months later, he quit the job.....
That's when things got complicated. See, working alongside him only made we like him more. I know it sounds trite, but it's true. I just got to see parts of him that I wouldn't have seen over the internet or on the phone. True, I felt he had been dishonest with my by omission about the boyfriend, but whatever, at least now I knew.
But I just liked him more and more and more..... hell, I was keeping a paper journal about it during that period! Me, a paper journal?
May 6, 2006
Lazy day, sort of. I really deserve a lot of rest this weekend.
Why am I so emotional, though?
__________ has been creeping into my mind.
When I see him, I get a very specific school girl crush feeling. I don't look at him, because if I look at him, he'll know. I am happier on the days we don't say much. Yet those are tough days, too.
His broad shoulders, deep voice, strong forearms, long legs...those things comfort me, even though they don't "belong" to me. On Thursday, all I wanted to do was bury myself in his chest, and hold him, and be held.
*****
May 8, 2006
I am glad that ___ is starting today. __________ will hopefully be giving her enough attention where I won't even see him that much.
*****
May 10, 2006
The past 48 hours have been crazy, like I'm in the middle of one big sob.
Yesterday afternoon, __________ resigned.....
[He] took me outside to talk. I asked him "Why are you leaving?" and he told me.
After he explained everything, I told him that I believed he was doing the right thing. I hugged him... Jesus Christ, that was the best hug of my life. He is just the right size. His arms wrapped perfectly around me; my head fit right under his chin and neck...
We headed back to the office and I found the guts to tell him...that the best part of coming to work was also the worst part. That I got to see him, but I had to see him every day. That I am attracted to someone I can't have. And that I had very often retreated from him -- distanced myself to make things less complicated.
To my surprise, he admitted the same. I didn't expect him to say that he was attracted to me, mostly because every day I feel fat and undesirable.
...he said "I'm not supposed to be attracted to you, but I am."
So...that's what it is. I have no intention on going further. __________ has a man, and I am cool with that. I think I just needed to get the feelings off my chest. And I got the bonus of knowing that he felt similarly, yet we're both mature enough to know the boundaries.
But two things made it feel so good.... his embrace, and this:
When I hugged him the first time, my afro was in his face, so I apologized. He told me not to, and that he liked it. Then he put his fingers in my hair and rubbed my scalp.
He did it again after our "revelations" to one another, as we went back into the office. It is probably the most intimate I will ever be with him.
I need to find the man who can make me feel like _________ does: safe, secure, attractive, loved......
*****
And don't you know months later, I felt the same goddam way about him???
I went on a date with a Sigma... yeah, THAT lasted all of a week.
Went out of town several times. At one event, in a sea full of gay black men, not a one seemed to take an interest in me. Couldn't even find one in Atlanta of all places. Went to Ohio, saw hot guys who were straight and hot guys who were gay, but taken.
Just couldn't quite get right in '06. Toward the end of the year, I was supposed to meet ___________ for dinner one saturday. If you recall my entries where I was stood up, yeah, that was him.
I don't know if I mentioed it, but he came up to the job one day after that to find me and apologize. He gave me a ride to site and we just sat and talked and got emotional and..... and it was the same damn feelings, still and again.
By December, I knew something had to give. I wanted him, but I was not about to actively try to wreck his home. As scandalous as I like to make myself seem, I know Karma would have my ass with a quickness.
So not two weeks ago, I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore....I had things I need to work out that I couldn't do with him. And I sent him a poem I had previously entered here, in my blog. Here's a piece to jog your memory:
the knot inside me grows
the more i know
i like you
but you have a man
who certainly understands why i would
because
well
look at you
And that was that.....
I do love him. That's the part that really sucks. I love somebody that can't love me back the way I need it. And let's be real, I've got enough friends. I don't need friends with whom to have a weird sexual attraction with. It ain't even worth it.
So that's what I was doing in 06. All in all, it's not much different from how my romantic life was before.
I just don't think it's for me, that's all.
Now, all that said.....comments have been turned OFF for this entry and I will NOT be entertaining comments or questions about this situation. Thanks. :-)
Posted on January 2, 2007 at 4:11 PM
The Man List
The man list is like this..... and maybe this won't work for everyone, but it worked for me. Thanks to TG for suggesting I create this, and thanks to my years in education for inspiring the rubric model of this.
So I made a list of the qualities I'm looking for in a partner. This is not new. I've had one ever since Kameelah from The Real World: Boston had her list. But I thought that since I'm older and more certain of what I'm looking for, maybe it's time for a new approach.
I made a chart with four columns. The first column lists all the "Content Areas" -- categories by which I can define what it is I am looking for. My first row and "Content Area" is Overall Appearance.
The second column represents the "Minimum Standard" in that content area. This column is key, because it defines exactly what it is I will and will not tolerate in the content area. In the Overall Appearance row, I have listed what I am looking for. I will not share that, because it's personal, but I do have a broad definition of beauty.
I do NOT go into reason why in that column. The NEXT column is "Rationale" which is where I go into the "whys" -- it's important to note why you believe certain things. Force yourself to write them -- you might find yourself reevaluating.
The final column is "Measurement" -- or "How will I know the standard has been met?" This will be challenging for non-educators. What I chose to do is write down what I might hear or see if the standard has been met. If I have a Content Area about the potential partner's hobbies, and I list that they cannot have been incarcerated, then my measurement might be "Votes during elections."
I know, it's weird, I'm neurotic, so what? LOL
I know what I'm looking for at least, and I believe that person exists and is attainable.
Posted on December 20, 2006 at 5:57 PM | Comments (1)
How Are You Defined in the Sex Dictionary?
|
Rashid Darden -- [adjective]: Smelling like unscented lube all of the time 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com |
Posted on December 12, 2006 at 1:17 AM | Comments (1)
Why I Rejoined Adam4Adam
No good reason. LOL
When I left my job, I had lots more free time. So I rejoined, hoping to meet new people and continue to promote my work. Hey, that really worked the first time I was on A4A.
I have a really good profile, if I do say so myself.
But bamas still don't read. I put an age limit, and half the people who respond say dumb shit like "Well, I guess I am beyond your age limit..." Why why would you waste your time writing me, monkey?
Shaaah!
It doesn't annoy me as much as it once did, though. Everybody on A4A just wanna be loved, I guess, even the ones who say they just want sex. They want to be loved most of all.
Posted on November 21, 2006 at 11:30 AM | Comments (1)
The Crush Makes Everything Alright
As you read this entry, listen to "Crush" by Zhane. It helps!
I have two things to say tonight....one specific, one broad.
Specifically, my whole life was made tonight....why? Because I got to see my Crush.
*sigh*
*swoon*
It's Homecoming Weekend for the Hoyas, and I went to this happy hour thing at the Black House. I really enjoyed it this year, maybe even a little better than previous years. There were so many people there I knew by face, but not necessarily by name. And I liked that because it's like wow, all these Black Hoyas in one room...college educated....I love it!
But the icing on the cake was within one minute of me coming in the house....around the corner came my Crush.
*sigh* and *swoon*
*cheese*
I've known this guy since I started college....1997.... and during my Sophomore year was when I was like wow, I am really crushing on this dude. But he was straight, and to my knowledge still is, lol. But I used to love just sitting on the bench and talking to him. He was so complex to me...not at all what people categorized him as.
The cadence of his voice....his hands....his eyes....his genuine concern for my welfare....his tacit support of me, all that I was and am.
And I've always been a sucker for anyone I had to look up to -- literally. I love tall men.
Yet, he was just a crush, because he was straight. And is.
The crush I had on him was not painful -- it wasn't like how, this year, I became attracted to a man who already had a boyfriend. It was those moments where you and he stare at each other, then look away, then stare again.
No, this was a cold, hard crush. Liking somebody so hard that just seeing him makes your day go better.
Now, more broadly:
I think every gay man I know is feeling me when I say that crushes are especially hard on us. See, I don't know about everyone, but for ME, I crush on the one hundred percent inaccessible dudes. Those dudes that are so unabashedly straight. So masculine, sometime even macho....
Dudes I can't possibly have.
Dudes with families..... hey, there is nothing more attractive than seeing a single father handling his business!
Straight dudes.....I love them so.
On one hand, they are the best dudes to crush on, because you can crush on them from afar in perpetuity.
But on the other hand, gosh it fuckin sucks to like straight dudes because it messes up your personal barometer for relationships with gay men. I was discussing this with a friend this weekend, as a matter of fact. We asked each other damn....are we chronically single because in essence, we WANT a straight man?
What is it about a straight man that is so appealing to me?
Part of it is masculinity. I personally don't want to date a man who is more femme than I am. And I'm not femme really..... sure, I might say "gert" or "chile" every now and then, but I think I'm pretty "normal" on the gay spectrum of feminine to masculine tendencies and affectations.
Part of it is an orientation toward family life.... straight men are sorta bred to be fathers....part of a unit.... straight men are expected to become part of a duo, and eventually a trio or more, depending on how many kids they have. I LOVE THAT because I want a family myself. It's almost like once a man commits to a gay lifestyle, it becomes harder and harder to find relationship role models who match the paradigm of the nuclear family, especially among black gays.
Straight men satisfy the need I have to be protected...to have someone who says "Naw....I got this." And it also goes back to my preference for tall men. Tall men make me feel safe and secure.
I guess part of my life as a writer is so independent....I have to wear so many hats on my own behalf. And sometimes I'm just like GOSH can't I get a break? No, I don't necessarily want someone who is gonna get me foot massages, get me the evening paper, and fix dinner..... I want that manly man who is gonna go out and KILL dinner for that night. LOL!
This entry is rife with generalizations....so forgive me. I know not all straight men meet these criteria, and many gay men do. I'm just trying to get to the heart of the matter.....
Don't worry..... I'm not chasing pipe dreams....and I generally accept people as they are.
But as the guy with the boyfriend told me.... I have pretty high standards. Realistic? For the patient, yes. I do think there is a guy out there for me who is everything I'm looking for and more. He's going to give me those butterflies that my straight crushes give me.
I'm open for it....not rushing it....
I just better not be damn 85 years old when it happens!
Posted on November 4, 2006 at 9:08 PM
What About Love?
Is that me who's floating away?
Lifted up to the clouds by a kiss,
Never felt nothin' like this.
Is that me I don't recognize?
Love's the one thing I knew all about,
I had it all figured out.
But what about trust?
What about trust?
What about tenderness?
Tenderness?
What about tears when I'm happy?
What about wings when I fall?
I want you to be
A story for me
That I can believe in forever.
And what about
What about
Love?
"What About Love" from The Color Purple -- the Broadway musical.
Posted on October 4, 2006 at 6:56 AM | Comments (2)
Stood Up!
Well, I had a lovely dinner on U Street last night at a place called Sula Thai. I had satay (chicken on a stick with a peanut dipping sauce) and pad thai. It was my first time having fresh, "real" pad thai, though my Little once made me some, and she's half Thai, so that counts for something.
I ate alone.
See, I called up a friend on Friday because I was going through some things. I told him "I need to see you." I hadn't seen him in months. We chat online every now and then but rarely on the phone. I keep our relationship at a certain level because...well, I'm attracted to him but he has a boyfriend.
I'm not a homewrecker, so I leave him be.
The things I was going through were something he could directly relate to, and I needed to talk to him, face to face, to sort through these things.
"I need to see you...."
"Um, okay, where is this coming from?"
"...." and with that I explained the importance of seeing him to talk about this.
Now I know some of you are thinking perhaps I wanted to see him because I'm attracted to him....it's not even like that. This thing I'm going through is so unique that only he could identify with it and he could give me some good advice.
Plus, he's my friend.
So he said sure, he'd see me. We decided to meet at Ben's Chili Bowl on U Street -- it was a reasonable location for me, the carless, and he agreed to come into the city. 5pm, we said.
I also had to work until 4pm, so that gave me time to get there. Well, turns out we were done before 4, so I was down there by 4:10. I walked about U Street and ended up buying me a juice from The Mocha Hut, which was very nice on the inside but had no free seats! EVERYBODY had a laptop (including me).....which kind of disappointed me for a few reasons. One, what if I had a date and wanted to eat? There were NO seats for two people....just lots of single people taking up all the damn space with their laptops and work. I dunno, I think that's a bit rude. Then, I mean if U Street is supposed to be part of this new cultural renaissance, there sure isn't a whole lot of...mingling. I dunno, it was quiet or somethin. In terms of atmopshere, Busboys and Poets had more hustle and bustle.
So I waited for a table outside to get freed up, after considering asking somebody if I could share their space. I really wanted to just sit down, sip my juice, and wait to go back to Ben's to meet my friend. I whipped out my laptop and started typing some notes for an upcomign project.
After a while, a dude with an Alpha Phi Omega lanyard keychain sat down at a table across from me and started talking to some dude. As I got up to leave, I said "Alpha Phi Omega?" and he was like "Oh no, these are just my friend's keys." And I was like "Oh, I see. Well, I'm your friend's brother. Have a good one."
I should tell you that my friend doesn't have a cell phone, which is important to why I got stood up.
So I'm at Ben's, I peep inside, don't see him, and I begin waiting around in front of the Lincoln Theater. I'm wearing my Batman t-shirt, partially because it's black and gold and partially because since I've lost a little weight this year, it fits a lot better than when I first bought it.
This guy who I assume is homeless saw my shirt and was like "Hey, Batman! Batman rocks!" and then he threw the universal "rock n roll" sign, which to some of you is the Sigma sign, lol.
I smiled and hoped that he didn't ask me for any change.
I waited ten minutes and called Shari.
"Shari, he ain't gonna come."
"No, he's not. Because he's a bastard. TEE HEE."
She and I are sarcastic like that. We laughed....I don't know what inside me didn't think he was coming, but I hoped he would prove me wrong.
Called my mom at 5:30.
"Mom, like, how long should I wait for somebody who's agreed to meet me for dinner but doesn't have a phone where I can reach him?"
"He hasn't called?"
"Naw."
"Well, wait fifteen more minutes, then go on about your business."
I knew she would say that. I also knew from watching Noah's Arc that I'd probably be kept waiting 45 minutes....alone...on my birthday. (LOL it's not really my birthday though)
So 45 minutes seemed fair. To be waiting on U Street for a friend who agreed to meet me to help me work through some things.
Obviously, I got stood up. I called Shari back and told her I was going to Sula Thai. And that's just what I did.
The food was good. I wasn't too depressed or anything, just disappointed. Very, very disappointed.
Thinking to myself only once or twice "Why does this always seem to happen to me?"
Stood the fuck up.
On the upside, I had some good Thai food and really really enjoyed being on U Street! Let me tell you -- that place is the black DuPont Circle. You can't tell me all those old black men walking in pairs weren't married! (To each other, that is.)
I feel like I got some looks from some of the younger dudes, too. Ones in their 20s or 30s. I was like whoa, you look straight than a mug, are you looking at little old moi?
I mean, nobody approached me, which is fine, but it was nice to be looked at, and to look back.
I haven't heard from my friend. I could assume a lot of things.... maybe he's sick, maybe his boyfriend is sick. Maybe he had car trouble. Maybe he lied to his boyfriend about where he was going and got hemmed up. Maybe the boyfriend doesn't trust him around me.
I don't know. All I know is that I needed somebody and they weren't there for me. All I can do is be disappointed, maybe even talk about it with him, and move on.
Oh yeah....remember my birthday dinner? He was a no show for that, too. Didn't even mention it until a month later.
....shame on me.
Posted on September 24, 2006 at 9:21 AM | Comments (2)
why do people do this?
ringring
Me: Rashid Darden. (I'm at work)
He: Hey, wassup.
Me: Nothing...who is this?
He: This is the man that shoulda been yo daddy.
Me: Whaaaaaaa?????
So it was actually this cat I was/am/usedtocouldgetitsomewhatstill feeling. But he has his own live in boyfriend. Anyway, he called me at my job to tell me I was on his mind.
UGH, don dooo dat! (And you gotta say it like secong grader would)
I'ma need you to send me emails or IMs....but when you got a man, don't call me homie...not at work....you know what the deal is. It needs to be as easy as possible for us to be friends, and I can't do that if I am hatin' on your man.
Ya dig?
Was talking to frat about an unrelated situation and he challenged me to keep holding out until I found "the one"...that person that makes me feel butterflies. And I was like "Well what if it's just gas?" lol
But then he very logically said that I HAD to wait for "the one" because what if I settle and then "The one" comes along?
I was like damn, true.
Soon after that, I told him that the "ones" for me have always been really talented, really brilliant men. Like, ultra uber talented people. So much so that recently, I decided that it must be talent that I am attracted to moreso than....well, let's say that talent plus looks equals a smitten Rah-Rah.
I look back on the great loves i've had (whether reciprocated or not) and I see that they either were already on top of their game or had extraordinary potential to be such.
So yeah, that means my standards are very high. It also may mean that my current environment isn't conducive to meeting a lot of people like that.
Take for example last month....I was told that a lot of folks (at an event I attended) were "afraid" to talk to me. I was like are you serious, why? And apparently it's because I wrote a book.....I am like are you kidding me? I wrote a book to GET a man, not scare them away!!!! LOL jk
But it's interesting. I guess it means I'm looking for someone with confidence on top of everything else.
Confidence is exactly what my mystery caller has, on top of sex appeal, a good heart, etc. He just also happens to have a live-in boyfriend.
So, whatever. I'm not one of THOSE men who chases other people men. That's not a good look for anyone.
Still waiting, still searching. Going to the movies today with a new buddy. Not expecting anything but a movie. :-)
Posted on August 26, 2006 at 6:14 AM | Comments (0)
intimate moments
ugh. in another mood.
I was talking to an online friend of mine on the topic of putting a dude behind you once and for all. and I told her all I really knew about was time and distance.
lord knows.....I still love the man I knew last fall. no matter what was said, no matter how hurt I ever felt, and no matter what I said in reaction to anything that..... I still love him.
he doesn't love me though. positive of that.
intimacy is a blessing, and there were some couples on showtime that were making my heart ache. like damn, will I ever have that? like, in my twenties?
then.... just got off the phone with montre, who is straight, but was mentioning how there seems to be so few gay black relationship role models, and how gay black relationships don't last.
sigh. although I did talk to him about how I have seen successful gay black relationships, it was the lack of visibility that was the problem.
alas.... I still felt sad.
I'm giving up on this entry cuz I'm so tired
Posted on August 14, 2006 at 1:05 AM
no call
well, no call today. I didn't obsess over it though.
(you may notice that I am blogging more often. shit's a lot less hectic at work.)
I reckon there's nothing much to add. diddy, I really appreciated your comments. I never really viewed myself as having balls in this particular situation, but I guess I have to have that if I ever want to be happy.
later for now.
Posted on August 8, 2006 at 10:30 PM | Comments (1)
i am a punk
so I talked to my girl today, and explained to her the situation with home skillet, who, thanks to her, will henceforth and forever be known as LIVIN LEGEND or just LEGEND for the purposes of this blog.
I was sooooo scurred to call him! I mean, calling somebody's job to ask them out....sheesh. but as my mom said, when I explained the situation to her, "aww what tha hell!" and basically that I should just do the damn thing and ask him out.
but of course, when I called, he wasn't there. well, that's because my dumb ass waited until quarter to six to do so.
d'oh!
so I left a message asking him to call me when he got a chance. if I don't hear from him in two days, then I will send a follow-up email. after that, its done.
but yo, my hand was seriously shaking when I made that call!
it goes back to being attracted to extremely talented men. on some level, they intimidate me. oh yes, i'll make the phone call, ask them out, and have a great time. but I will be shitting bricks the whole time.
so yeah....livin legend....we'll see.
Posted on August 7, 2006 at 6:13 PM | Comments (2)
The Queernet
So last night I got online and started telling Diddy about this guy I met. The problem is not trying to determine whether the guy is gay (which is usually my number one obstacle -- blasted straight dudes!) but moreso trying to determine whether he is involved with anyone.
It's a tricky situation. It's not like dude is your average mail carrier or bus driver. It's kinda important that I find out as much as reasonably possible before I step to him. There could be consequences and repercussions if this isn't handled delicately.
So I tell Diddy these things (and more) and he's telling me to use the Queernet. Which is basically another word meaning "ask the gay folks you know -- ONE of them must know him."
And ordinarily, this usually works. I've never really knowingly and aggressively used my Queernet....it just sorta happened that somebody knew somebody who knew somebody. Happened quite a lot last year among the gay black blogger boys. Happened an awful lot (and still happens) when it comes to the Principal. (I don't know if I ever had a code name for him.) In fact, at Convention, somebody told me they knew his best friends. I was like damn....and the next day, he emailed me. That was crazy. I still kinda love him. That sucks.
But I digress.
Bus how the dude I'm trying to get to know isn't even a blip on my Queernet? I am like WTF?
So I am like gonna have to figure out a way to ask him out. That's insane, what am I, like 15? Ugh!
lol
Like I said, it's a delicate situation....
He's cute to me. Slim (they always are, aren't they?)....kinda light skinned. Well, he's lighter than me, which means he's just plain light skinned.
My weakness, as I think I stated within the past few weeks, is really talented men. Like for real, look back on my greatest loves, so to speak, and they are really all high caliber, high quality. And if they weren't at the top of their game, they had that potential. Even dude I went on a date with in January.... degree from a Big East school, in grad school, Greek.... I coulda overlooked the physical imperfections if he wasn't argumentative for no damn reason.
On a related note, so me and one of my soror/friends were talking about relationships and whatnot....actually, this also relates to a conversation I had with a frat during convention....
People really kill me talking about how long it's been since they've had any ass....and it's like two weeks. WTF???? Gimme a break....the last time I had any lovin', I'm sure Another World was still on the air. LOL jk.....but it has been a very long time.
("No wonder he's always in a bad mood" some of my coworkers might say....lol)
Adam4Adam..... been A4A free for a minute now and I don't miss it. For the first month, it was kinda like "Damn, I'd like to see where the boys are...." but now it's like ho-hum, whatever.
Even though I felt some kind of way about not getting any attention when I was in a few situations where I could and should have gotten some. Imagine going to a club (ladies and gay men) and you have brought your A game, and like nothing happens. Nada.
I was in that situation very recently and it's like damn.... I haven't felt better about myself in months, yet for whatever reason, that's not translating to more attention.
Which is cool. Just...strange.
Somebody told me (and I don't know how I feel about this if it's true) that people weren't approaching me because of who I was. Not that I am famous, but I guess I am known among certain circles. *shrug* I just write books. I'm still Rah-Rah.
But back to the Queernet..... hoping to cast my Queernet wider this weekend and find out if Home Skillet has a man. What his story is. Etc.
Posted on August 5, 2006 at 5:34 PM | Comments (0)
Whatever happened to....
I just got in from a sorority conference this weekend. Much love to the ladies of Lambda Psi Delta. Special shout out to Dennis and the bros of Pi Delta Psi.
I am not feeling well. Whatever had been bothering me came to a head while in Orlando and now I feel like I have a cold AND my right ear is all stopped up from the flight. I feel like I can fight the cold if the right side of my head didn't feel like it was underwater.
So I was on MySpace just now, and you know..... I really can't let go of the disdain I feel for people. It's like ill....you STILL suck. And honestly, that's just how I am....I don't forget shit. Ever.
And to be honest....the mutual friends that I have with the people I dislike so much....they get taken down a notch, too.
My line brother used to want to fight dudes who dicked me over. And don't let them be interested in the frat in some form or fashion. My LB would be like "Oh HELL no, he will NEVER be an Alpha." And I'd be like damn homie....it's okay. Really. But that's loyalty for ya.
I wonder what happened to the dude I used to mess with who played Nintendo in his draws.
Well, I did a quick google search. LOL I am so psycho....he worked for the same company as of last summer. That's pretty cool.
Hmmm.....what happened to....
(more googling)
Wow.....he's married. I don't know whether to laugh or cry....this is some Dynasty shit, LOL. Dirty motherfuckin dog.....I'm not even mad for ME, because it's not like I loved this dude. I'm mad that yet another dude on the DL has duped yet another woman.
On that note....
Posted on July 17, 2006 at 12:39 AM | Comments (2)
Challenges
There's a thin line between stepping back and giving up.
I feel like giving up.
***
This goes far beyond the situation with the last dude. By the way, the general concensus is that he sucks. I, for one, don't really have an opinion of him. I expected a whole lot more than what I'm getting. I expected for someone who wants to just be friends to stay in touch.
But I don't really care anymore. I can't expect too much of anything from the men I am interested in.
No, this goes far beyond him.....this goes back to the one who implied that there was something wrong with me if this always happens to me.
***
It's over. Curtains. Quits. I give up.
There's nothing left for me to do. Seriously. Someone today told me that they found themselves in a similar situation to mine and when they simply "stepped back" and focused on themselves, that's when love found them.
My response was a thank you for the advice. And I did appreciate his story. But what a lot of people don't realize is that I do step back. And when I step back, I do it big! Like, when I wrote Lazarus, I was celibate for seven months!
If I step back now, what would be the point? I've retreated so many times and (honestly) come out stronger afterwards. But no matter how strong one gets, rejection after rejection still hurts like shit.
I take the shit personally because it personally happens to me.
***
I was feeding the cats today and wondered if my lot in life was to write books and take care of children and that's it. Like I wasn't made to receive the type of relationship that I seek.
I don't think it's selfish to want more even after knowing and acknowledging that I have a good life. Great friends. A wonderful family. And gifts from God in writing and working with children.
But what if that's all there is? I'm starting to think so.
Don't email me about this please. The comments are off for a reason.
Posted on June 21, 2006 at 7:47 PM
Confused
I just don't understand people.
It's been nearly two weeks (I think) since I last heard from the most recent person I've been talking to. Called him last night leaving a last ditch effort message acknowledging that I knew his phone was acting up (that's what he said last time I talked to him) and that I knew he was going out of town for a while.
But I mean damn.... not even an email? I can understand not texting if your phone is acting up. I am a really understanding type of person, especially if it's someone I care about.
This morning I wake up and get a request to join his yahoo 360 network....which I do....and then I peep the blog entries from a week ago today.
Why, oh why, did I do that? They only leave me with a lot of questions with a generous helping of disappointment.
When you read someone else's blog, especially someone you're getting to know, you ask yourself "Is that me?" You assume that they're talking about you, then you shame yourself for being presumptuous. (I guess that's a taste of my own medicine.)
I guess what I really want to say is that I was really feeling this dude, and it sucks to read (and to know) that once again, the dude I want is unwilling or unable to move forward in the way that I want to.
It doesn't help that his most recent entry didn't seem to be about me at all, LOL......
I could be misinterpreting this WHOLE thing. I acknowledge that.
But it doesn't help that I haven't spoken to him in so long.
I feel like someone who wanted me would find a way.
I need....I need....I need.....it feels like such a selfish statement, but I do have needs that it seems I can never get satisfied.
I need someone to love me. I need someone to come home to, at least figuratively. I need someone I can depend on. I need someone who will tell me he loves me. I need someone who will massage my back. I need someone who will respond favorably to the romance that I bring.
I don't know why all this is hitting me so hard this morning. Maybe because I was already feeling sick and this didn't help much.
I want someone who will care and communicate....care how I feel. Care what I will think. Communicate with me....help me understand what's going on.
I am not trying to levy all of this responsibility on him per se, but I am trying to identify the things I need and have needed through the years that have led to this ultimate point of feeling empty inside. I never felt this empty before recently...very much alone at the end of the day.
It just seems like collectively, the dudes that I fall for can be in relationship to relationship, but when it comes to me they wise up and say they're not ready to be in a relationship, they're not ready to be in another relationship, they're not ready to be in a relationship with me.....etcetera, etcetera.
And he'll probably read this and be convinced that I wasn't the one after all...will be relieved that he found that I was crazy before it was too late....
Posted on June 19, 2006 at 6:06 AM
Lady V and Astrology
So I was talking to Lady Vengeance tonight (like, just now) and she is one of my best friends and a fellow Cancer. Our conversation inspired to to re-read parts of The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need by Joanna Martine Woolfolk.
As anybody who reads this knows, shit just doesn't work out for me in the romance department.
Let me back up for a moment -- you know that I don't write everything in this here diary, and that sometimes I'll just post something that is hella random but means a lot to me at the time.
That Mary L. Blige song I posted a few weeks ago....that wasn't me saying "Hey, I found my everything" literally..... I just wanted to repost the song that came on when I kissed a dude that previous day. Yeah that's extra, that's TMI, but I just wanted to be clear. If you sit and read all my Sex and Romance entries, it will probably look like I fall in love as often as some people sneeze. The real deal might be very similar to that, but not quite identical.
Back to astrology....when I meet a dude who is of an incompatible sign, I give him a chance anyway. Yeah, I am a believer in astrology, but I also believe that two people can work any difference out if they really want to.
But.... maybe I should listen to astrology more often? Last dude I was interested in is an Aries. This book says "These two may start out like a house on fire, but it won't take long for the fire to burn out."
Seems that way, doesn't it? I haven't heard from dude in like a week or more now. I'm not sad....just wondering what happened. I ain't chasin' after no nigga, ever.
One of the great loves of my life (so far) is an Aquarius...."Cancer needs to feel close and secure; Aquarius is a lone wolf." To this day, he's still like that....when we're together, we're tighter than panty hose two sizes small. But it doesn't take long for him to go off on a "speaking engagement" as my mom might say, and next time I hear from him he's in yet another foreign country.
I can see these things coming from a mile away now. If I could, I would just round up all the eligible Tauruses, Virgos, Scorpios, and Pisces and read them page 66 of this book.
How to attract a Cancer.....
All you have to do to attract a Cancer is to be just slightly less crazy than he is and the battle is half-won.
Posted on June 17, 2006 at 9:49 PM | Comments (2)
Why I Left Adam4Adam
But first, a gratuitous picture of me with an afro, taken this weekend.
I honestly can't remember how long I had been on Adam4Adam before I finally quit it last week. I guess maybe a year and a half? I joined initially with equal interest in meeting new people and promoting my novel.
When it came to promoting my novel, it was the perfect plan. Mention in my profile that I am a novelist, mention the title of the book, so when people send me a note about it, asking where to get it, I can just direct them to my website.
As I said....the perfect plan.
When it came to meeting new people, I was far less successful. I dated one guy and acquaintanced a few others.
For all intents and purposes, I have never met a crazy person from A4A. I was probably always the less stable one, LOL. The guy I went on the date with earlier this year was actually a pretty cool dude. We were just way too different, and (as I said earlier) you kinda know in the first week what will be the undoing of the relationship. Great first date....never made it to a second.
And I've made some good e-buddies, too.
I don't want to say that "Only one good thing" came out of my time on A4A, because many good things came from it. (And perhaps, one really really great thing, too. tee hee....ta ha.) But these were my final gripes with the site.
1) It was really too dangerous a tool for self-validation. I found myself running to A4A every day to see if anyone knew had hit me up to tell me I was attractive or some other foolishness. And we do this day after day, make small talk, then get turned off by the littlest of things. Not the fault of A4A....but definitely my own fault for getting sucked into the validation trap.
2) People LIE! And of course, people have lied since the beginning of the internet, but I am talking fundamental lies like OUT and NOT OUT. One of my BEST FRIENDS IN THE UNIVERSE is more queer than a football bat. That nigga had NOT OUT! I was like are you shitting me? On other occasions, people have lied about their pictures and even their names. Which leads me to my third point....
3) Read and respect other people's preferences. By the end, I had this big ass list of who I DIDN'T want to hear from and it was longer than my actual profile! And people can't just respect your wishes....nooooo, they feel the need to hit you up anyway and question you on why you're not into older dudes (nigga, why don't you play with the kids your own age!) or the really uncomfortable question "Are you into white guys?" Cuz the only good answer is "Possibly, but not you." Well, for me that was the most honest answer.
So those are my three biggest reasons. I am also entering into a phase in my life where I am pretty much either going big or going home.... if the people who are in my life right now aren't keepers, then it's cool....but I'm not going to jump back into the swing of things right away. I have a VERY busy summer ahead of me and no time for bullllllshizzat. I have a huge writing project ahead of me that I need to get started on, as well as one that needs to get published ASAP.
In an ideal world, I would be sharing my life with one person right about now. And I'm definitely open to the existing possibilities. But if it doesn't work out, I still have things to take up my time.
Ill, that sounds like I was defeated somehow, LOL...and it's so not like that.
I'll put it this way (and thanks to Mark for saying this more eloquently than I did the other day)....artists, from time to time, have to retreat into themselves and recharge in order to rejuvenate themselves. Like other artists who might go on some sort of hiatus, I am reaching a point where I cannot keep go, go, going....I've got to slow it up, change gears, and get my head right for the third novel. I did it while writing the previous two.....and to be honest, I was celibate during one of them jonts. And I was focused, man!
Now....not saying I have to be celibate to write good shit, lol.... but if current situations don't play themselves out favorably, then the writing will still go on.
Dang, how dramatic do I sound? I really ought to stop. I also don't know how the hell I am blogging so much. But at least it's keeping my juices going.
That and reading this good ass Jackie Collins novel, Lovers and Players. Holla!
Posted on May 30, 2006 at 8:13 PM | Comments (20)
Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend
I made the decision to be by myself this weekend, save the wedding of my APO line mate to our prophyte.
I wasn't myself....or maybe I was myself, and it scared me. I had some "issues" with the guy I'm feeling and I dunno....seems like for the first time in a very long time I was just wrong. I guess.
See, I'm used to every single "relationship" I've ever been in ending with "I just don't feel the same way about you" in both actions and in words. Hell, you can read this blog and see how that tends to turn out for me. It hurts. It doesn't hurt less each time it happens. But it happens all the time.
I remember someone telling me that if this happens to me all the time, maybe it's not the other people, but me? Damn, I still feel the sting in that every time I think about it. There are certain people who were in my life that I can't even think about any more. It really fucking sucks. I don't want to live my life like that, but I don't know a better way to get over being hurt than to just not think about it.
Anyway....so when certain things were said to me last week, my mind immediately jumped into defense mode. I felt the Cancerian shell harden around me and words became muffled and ultimately silent.
I was being rejected....wasn't I?
The good thing about this guy is that he (admittedly) talks things out until they can't be talked out any more. And how often have I hoped for someone like that, someone who can communicate their feelings?
But still, I was feeling rejected, no matter how many times I heard "This isn't an ending...this isn't an ending..."
So why did I feel so fucking hurt?
After a day, more talking to him, and some consultation from one of the handful of friends I will allow to tell me that I'm trippin', it was deemed that I was trippin'.
I felt hurt because it was the only way I knew how to feel.
I looked back on everything that was said and came to understand that everything that he was presenting to me was not only everything I ever wanted, but everything I ever needed.
I need to take it slow. "Isn't that what you want?" Shari asked me.
I felt like Boo Boo the Fool at that point.
"Yeah....god dammit..." I said.
I apologized to him....rather profusely, I believe. I felt more wrong in that moment than I ever really had before.
If I feel like I am worth fighting for, I've got to act like I'm worth the fight.
If I feel that I am worth waiting for, I've got to believe that I'm worth the wait.
And if I say that he is worth waiting for -- then dammit, I've got to wait.
This is 2006....no time for lip service.
My fear is that in this time of waiting, I will receive the same output as all my previous attempts. It's not that I am afraid of being alone -- I've handled that quite masterfully after 27 years. And I'm not one of these gay dudes who just proclaims that he's "tired of looking." That's not it, either.
It's just that....with him....he's different. And I'm different. So, it's not the situation or the circumstances, it's literally just him. And all I want is the opportunity to see....
I'm not saying I love him. I'm not saying I'm falling in love with him. When I say "I'm falling" I mean that I am smitten...that I like every little chance I get to spend with him. That I want every opportunity I can to get to know him. That I relish every new fact I learn about him.
And that with each passing day, I find nothing that turns me away. When I say that I am looking forward to spending time with him and getting to know him better, it's because I know that this can only get better and better.
"I just hope he feels the same way" is a phrase reserved for white girls in middle school who are crushing on ninth graders.... I'll be that.
This post was supposed to be about how I spent my Sunday, but we got a little off track, now didn't we?
I didn't attend DC Gay Black Pride this year. My official reason is that I had a wedding to attend. My unofficial reasons are myriad, but one that I can share is that after the events with my new friend, I really felt like I needed some time away from people. Time to focus on me...get my mind right, my game face on, etc. (Whatever those things really mean.)
But my friend Drew called me on Saturday and was like "Rashid, where are you, I've been asking everybody where you are and nobody knows!"
I met Drew at last year's Pride. He's a great dude and a wonderful Pride buddy. Well, Drew was looking for Covenant and clearly it's not there, lol. So I was like damn, I ain't know Drew would be in town, so I made it a point to see him after the wedding.
Speaking of people in from out of town, another friend of mine came in from Chicago via Philly and was staying with friends. Now, I knew he wasn't coming to see me particularly -- which was fine, because I had honestly forgotten that he was coming into town for Pride and had REALLY thought he had already come and gone.
Life is hectic, what can I say?
So he calls me at 11am on Saturday and we agree that he would call me whenever plans are firmed up. Saturday comes and goes with no call. So I am like damn....oh well.
Sunday comes and I find myself in Georgetown with a few hours to kill. At first I'm like "I'm going to call him and see if he wants to meet up for a little while." And then I am like "No, because he said he would call when he could." but then I was like, well let me text him and see what the deal is.
Basically, he was at the Pride expo and said he was at the whim of his driver. So I was like alright, I'll just catch you next time.
Now....you know that in Rashid Darden world, that shit doesn't fly without internalizing it. It's just who I am, love it or hate it.
Yes, I feel some kind of way about how that went down. I just think if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have made a way to see my friend. Hell, when I went to Columbus, I saw everybody I wanted to see. You just make these things happen, you know?
The way I am, the way I feel things, yes maybe I am easily offended. But I just REALLY felt like a damn also-ran in that situation.
Sidenote....one of my friends in college got married and not only was I not invited, but she didn't even tell me she was engaged. Do you know what the goddamned consolation price was?
"...but you can come to the ceremony in South Africa! Everyone I care about is invited to that one!"
Like fucking South Africa is right down Riggs Road. WTF???? Miss me with that shit.
So yeah, I guess I am just used to being the friend that will understand if he's not included, the friend who it's okay if you don't make it a priority to see him, the last sonofabitch picked for dodgeball, LOL.
Anyway....yes, I felt some kind of way about that, because if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have made a way to see him if I was in his town.
Damn....off track AGAIN.
Went to a very beautiful wedding that was hot as SHIT! Do Episcopalians believe in AC? GOT DAMN!
I left a card with my Line Mate to take to the reception because I figured I could make it to the M Street Hotel and back to the reception if I really wanted to. I needed to see Drew real quick while he was in town.
Well, the M Street Hotel was the host hotel for Pride and I had forgotten that of all the events that occur during Pride, my favorite has always been just chillin in the lobby. Me and Drew chilled with his friend Larry for like 90 minutes and I was HUNGRY. So I came home and ate.....missed the reception but definitely felt happy that I attended the wedding.
Which got me thinking WOW....I just witnessed two people's covenant before God. That's bananas. This is like the most important day in their lives. It really got me thinking about what marraige actually IS. Why people obsess about who is in the wedding party, where to have it, etc....it's a really big fucking deal.
I have more thoughts about that.....they'll come up at a later time.
Anyway.....this was a real fucking diary entry, wasn't it?
I'm back, bitches!!!!!
Posted on May 29, 2006 at 8:40 AM | Comments (1)
Lesson #6 (Unfortunately learned too late.)
6) Communicate what your needs are.
Posted on May 25, 2006 at 6:40 AM | Comments (1)
Lessons
Here are some quick lessons I've learned prior to this point in my life:
1) It takes a moment to fall in love, but a lifetime to cultivate a friendship.
2) Let your head be the driver and your heart be the navigator.
3) Don't be afraid to fall for someone....the current one isn't the last one, the last one wasn't the first one, etc. Everybody is different. YOU are the common denominator.
4) Be observant. Those things you notice in the first week will be the undoing of the relationship.
5) You can't change people. That isn't your job. Your job is to love and be loved just as you are.
Thoughts?
Posted on May 24, 2006 at 8:12 AM | Comments (0)
Wow.
I Found My Everything
Mary J. Blige
Everything (mmmm)
In you (mmmm)
I found my everything (mmmm)
And I trust in you (mmmm)
I found my...
Can't you see, look at my face it's glowing
And it's all because of you
(Everything)
Everything about ya, ya see I need
And I thank God for sending you through
[CHORUS]
(I found my everything)
Ya see I found, my everything (in you)
In you
(I found my everything)
Ya see I found everything and I (and I trust in you)
I trust in you
(I found my everything)
Ooo, the way you kiss me it's like a real man (mmmm)
I leave the prom when I
Look in your eyes baby (mmmm yeah, every night)
And every night is like a highlight baby
And there's no better keeper than you
Oh, naw naw naw
[BREAKDOWN]
You're someone who
Understands me
Needs to hold me
Really feels me
You're the one I love
You're the one that I need
I knew you'd find me
Stick beside me
Won't deny me
You define me now my world feels so free
[CHORUS]
(I found my everything)
Ya see I found, my everything (in you)
In you (I found my everything)
See I found my everything and I (and I trust in you)
I trust in you
(I found my everything)
Yeah, see I found
Every, every, every, every (in you)
In you (I found my everything)
I found (ooh ooh)
I found (and I trust in you)
I put my trust in you
You
[BREAKDOWN]
Now I know just
What I wanted
What I needed
Where I'm going
I can see much clearer now
I'm glad I found you, you, you, you
I love it when ya
Love me tender
Hold me tight
Through the night
Seems like we met
In heaven before this earth
[BREAKDOWN]
You're someone who
Understands me
Needs to hold me
Really feels me
You're the one I love
You're the one that I need
You won't deny me
Justify me
Now my world
Now my world
Feels...so... freeeeee
This time is the greatest
That I've ever felt before, oh oh (who)
You've given me a reason to smile
Cause I never had a reason to smile before
(I found my everything)
See I found e-everything in you (in you)
Youuuu (I found my everything)
I found my everything in you (and I trust in you)
Yoooou
(I found my everything)
E-e-e-everything
E-e-e-everything
E-e-e, E-e-everything, I-I-I
[CHORUS]
Posted on May 20, 2006 at 8:44 PM
It's been wild.....
It's been a wild past few weeks in this category of my life.
Be that as it may, I like meeting people that I click with, at least initially. I was on the phone sorta late last night talking to a new "recruit" as Beast would say. (Never mentioned "Beast" before, she's a friend of mine.) Anyway, so the recruit is on point so far. Amazingly, we both went to elementary school together back in the mid 80s! Ain't that crazy? We were reminiscing like a MUG!!!
Shan, if you still read this, he remembered the bomb threat and the Ouija board! Bananas!
He's an Aries though, and the big purple book said Cancers and Arieses (lol) don't work out.
If I focus on being a friend, though, it won't matter. I mean hell.
I wonder if I am jinxing it by writing about it so early.
Shit, imagine the shit I don't write about that's doomed anyway, LOL.
Posted on May 19, 2006 at 7:35 AM
Maybe the real issue is...
Do I know what I want at all?
Damn, that seemed so utterly absurd as soon as I typed it....LOL
Of course I know what I want.
Posted on May 7, 2006 at 6:14 PM | Comments (0)
the perfect man...
so, ive know rashid for...geez, i dunno...2 years? maybe?? seems like ive known him forever :-) point is...in that time it amazes me how the men in his life cant seem to get it right!! its not hard to love someone like rashid, i mean...look at him!! lol but seriously, he's a great guy and u couldnt possibly know him and not love him on some level...so ive come up with a list of qualities that i think the ideal man for rashid should have:
1. great sense of humor - u must be able to make rashid laugh, not that its a daunting task, but u cant be dull...cause thats just boring
2. great personality (see above)
3. attractive - shallow? no, not really. u aint gotta be a supermodel, but there has to be somethin about u that catches one's attention. it could be charisma or charm for all i care, but be attractive in some fashion.
4. sensitive - no, u aint gotta cry at the drop of a dime, but u need to be in tune with ur emotions and be able to express/explain them as needed. aint nobody around here a mind reader
5. sensitive - to rashid's needs. cause the man is busy...i dont know if u know this...but HE WRITES BOOKS BITCH! and so he might have days when hes stressed, so...u have to be able to empathize and make sure he's ok, cause he would definitely do the same for you
6. sensitive and understanding - to creative folk. sometimes that passion for the craft can turn us into a passionately pissed off or moody individual. we all have our bad days. understand that, accept that, and be able to help without offending or making matters worse.
7. affectionate - show love. sometimes sayin isnt enough. grand gestures are nice, but i think rashid would appreciate the lil stuff too.
8. communication - u have to be up on ur communication game. im sure uve noticed that rashid is more than capable of expressing his thoughts and feelings in a very honest manner. his perfect man must be able to do the same. if u cant handle that....go read a book...take a couple laps round the non-fiction section in the library...and maybe u can try again later.
9. strong - not physically, well i mean not jsut physically. but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. i think rashid's perfect man should be able to care for him when he's weak, and in that same tone, be strong enough to let rashid take care of him when he's weak.
10. intelligent - it really goes in tune with communication...u dont have to be an ivy league scholar to have intelligence, and with that intelligence comes the ability to carry on a good convo and stimulate rashid's mind. very important.
11. romantic - this also goes with being affectionate. rashid's man would need to be able to come off the cuff with some romantic stuff...just cause. everyone deserves to be loved like that.
12. patient - there was really only one perfect man, and he died on calvary...so the "perfect" man for rashid would need to be patient and realize that we all might make mistakes and be willing to work through things
but when u get right to it, i think that this is the most important quality for rashid's ideal man to have:
13. a friend - i think the best relationships occur when u have a strong friendship. so for rashid, i think his man would have to be able to be his friend. a shoulder to lean/cry on, an ear to listen, a comfort, a relief from the stress, someone u can rely on, someone who understands. thats really where it all begins
did i mention that he had to be sensitive? lol
-storme
Posted on March 30, 2006 at 9:25 PM | Comments (2)
And because I couldn't resist....
2006 USATF Indoor Championships
James Davis
Kibwe Johnson
Milton Campbell
Shawn Crawford
Tony Allmond
Tora Harris
Wallace Spearmon
Wallace Spearmon
Walter Davis
Posted on March 14, 2006 at 8:18 AM | Comments (2)
It's the most wonderful time of year!
2006 Indoor Championships....HOLLA!
Walter Dix, Florida State
Xavier Carter, LSU
1600m relay action
Posted on at 7:28 AM | Comments (0)
Adam4Adam.... again
I must be giving Adam4Adam MAD business!
I would like to say, for the record, that there are some cool people on A4A. I don't think it's a bad site at all. I just happen to think that many people on the site are fucktards.
I met a really interesting cat on A4A earlier this year....things didn't work out romantically, but as a friend, dude gives great conversations and debates. Respect him a lot.
And there's always room for romance. Personally, because of alllll the other things going on in my life, romance is not NECESSARILY at the forefront, but it's not at the backburner either. It's not a race....I don't have to have a man.
That said, I still really do meet cool people on the site. Mad cool.
THIS PERSON, however, is not one of them:
wasup man brother right here tryin gto see wausp with you man,, i live in [deleted] and i would like to get to know you if you don't mind talking to a brother from georgia...so hit me up if you are interested.
I can deal with the slang, typos, and grammatical errors. But the fact is I wasn't interested -- the profile didn't do anything for me. I would have responded with a polite "Hi there!" and kept it moving, but noooooooo. I made the mistake of leaving A4A on all day, so it appeared as though I was logged in. This bama said:
danm you could have said something
Well I mean DAMN! Give a brother a chance to settle in good!
Since some of you schmucks must own stock in A4A and insist people who think like me need to get over ourselves, I am gonna close comments on this entry. Just add this to the list of reasons why I go to A4A to laugh.
Posted on March 7, 2006 at 6:47 PM
I am surrounded by positive people.
Let's just say that it's been a rough life since Thanksgiving. I've been hesitant to discuss a lot of different aspects of my life on this, my internet diary because..... well, for the first time in a long time, I haven't felt very much in control of anything.
I have to admit that I treat each one of my diary entries as stand-alones..... I don't often read back to see what I've written before. So if I seem repetitive, I apologize.
I rcently ended a friendship with the guy who I thought was the one. Seriously. I look back on the whole thing and see so many opportunities to have my feelings simply acknowledged....I hate him so much right now. And I hate myself for falling for him.
While I'm not convinced that I'll NEVER find someone for me, I've definitely decided to cool down the hunt. (Ironically, I never really was searching....)
I am confused. I am hurt. I am feeling all the same feelings I ever felt after the end of something I thought was oh so great.
He challenged me....said something about reading my emails to him and my blogs and saying if I'm feeling the same way, having the same problems, then maybe I need to do some more introspection.
That one stung a lot.
I paraphrased his words because the actual ones have long since been deleted. But please believe that O-Ren came out and explained to him in no uncertain terms that I have indeed learned from my prior mistakes and made NONE of them when dealing with him.
I was proud of myself for that one. Not like smiling-proud, but taken aback that I flipped it like that.
I don't know if he reads this blog any more. I don't know if I care that anyone who is romantically interested in me reads this blog. If you've read this far, in chronological order, then you KNOW I'm crazy. Hell, I know, why don't you? Get with it.
Anyway...
I have felt a profound loneliness over the past month. I went on a date with a guy. He was really nice. Things didn't work out, and for a while there I was afraid that he and I wouldn't be able to be friends -- I am really interested in having him in my life because he's a cool dude. But I want him to see that hey....we really aren't all that compatible. And I think enough time has passed now where we can actually meet each other as friends and not auditioners for each other's affection.
To be so lonely, I sure do get my share of male attention, LOL. I can't understand it.
***
My standards are high. I realize this. I embrace this.
I hate fraud.
When people "flip" so do I. That's probably not good. That's probably why I can't stay friends with people I used to date or be interested in. Not all, but many.
But on the other hand, why should I? I am surrounded by positive people.
Why should I have people in my life who think they like me, then they don't, then they do, then they don't know after all??? Those are not qualities that I want in my friends, much less a lover. And that's almost always the thing that kills my "relationships."
I'm a typical Cancer man.... I need affection and attention.....I need you to maintain the same energy that you begin with. I need communication. If you like me, tell me AND show me. And tell me how you show me, so when you don't tell me, at least I'll recognize that you're showing me.
That makes me high maintenance, and I'm fine with that.
***
I am thankful for the men in my life that I have dated or loved or simply kicked it with and we remain "cool."
I know I am not always the easiest person to love. Believe me, I know my faults. I, too, am a work in progress.
I know I'm a catch. Blah blah blah. I know I have a lot to offer. Blah. I kinda got that part down pat. Being great husband material was my major.
I don't know what else to say.....but the positive people just keep on coming. More later.
Posted on February 17, 2006 at 7:55 PM
Wow
I went on a date.
Wow.
(And my computer was in the shop for a week, but he's feeling much better now.)
Posted on January 8, 2006 at 12:14 AM
Words to Live By
The messed up part is that I wrote that whole previous entry for a reason I didn’t even mention.
As I was cleaning this weekend (cuz you know black folks gotta clean they house before the new year) I found a sheet of paper that had these words on it:
Words to Live By:
Dream.
Desire.
Reality.
Goals.
Work.
Enthusiasm.
Perseverance.
Patience.
Experience.
Flexibility.
And it made a whole bunch of shit flood back into my consciousness that I sorta pushed back. See, those words were the nucleus of the birthday present I was going to make him. It was like a scrapbook, sorta, with each word on its own page and then a quote to go along with each word. Like for “Dream” I found the quote “As long as one has a dream in his heart, he cannot lose the significance of living.” (Howard Thurman, btw) And for “Desire” I found “Be careful what you set your heart upon - for it will surely be yours. (James Baldwin)
So when shit didn’t work out, I was like well, we’re still friends, I can still send him this. That would be nice. Then I was like well, what would the real reason be? Is it to show him what he’s “missing?” To some how rub it in? Or is it the opposite – to subconsciously beg for him back?
I didn’t have the answers to those questions, so I didn’t complete the project. Didn’t send it to him. Sent him an email wishing him a happy birthday (no response) and then a phone call wishing him happy new year (it was then that I received the return email).
Part of me knew that I was always thinking of him more than he thought of me, at least in “that” way. So maybe part of me wanted to see if I crossed his mind at Christmas time. (I didn’t) or at New Years (of course not).
You see the games we play, even if only in our own minds?
And you see why I had to set the bar super high this year? Things like the gift I described above, well, that’s just ME. (That’s also me being BROKE, but that’s another story.)
I need the type of man who will live hundreds of miles away, but drive up to see me when he has the opportunity. He never did. When there was a choice to do that, he didn’t. Little things like that can be rationalized away as they happen (“He’s so busy, he needs the rest.”) But it builds into resentment when you see how little you get paid, how much you spent to be with him, and how all your leave is GONE. And you look at his life and see how much more he has (materially) than you, and how little you got back emotionally, which would have more than made up for the lack of the material things, which you don’t even really think about for real because you’re just not that kind of person in the first place………
And really, I’m not a tit-for-tat kind of person, at least not literally. I believe in compromise. I believe that a person should give what they can, how they can. For example, say I like a dude that’s into pro football. And personally, I derive no enjoyment from pro football. The kind of person I am…I’ll watch a game with you, okay. I’ll let you “teach” me about the game, if that’s something you’re passionate about. But at the end of the day, my “gift” to you is to take note of when the games are on and LEAVE YOU ALONE during those times. And the type of man I’m looking for needs to acknowledge that “Hey, Rashid is cool – he leaves me the fuck alone when the game is on.” Because it’s not just about ME not liking football – it’s about acknowledging that it is an interest of my man’s, and that it would be rude of me to interrupt that time of his day.
At any rate, that’s all I wanted to add. Clearly, I am feeling more raw about this than I initially thought, but that’s what happens when you leave a Cancer man alone with his own mind for long periods.
Posted on January 2, 2006 at 9:44 PM
Fresh for 06
Well, it’s a new year.
On the first day of 2006, my computer was infested with spyware.
I was nearly flooded out of my living space.
And I fell out of bed.
*le sigh*
The good news is that I wasn’t injured, the water has mostly receded, and the computer repair people will be here on Tuesday morning, although they were supposed to come today.
After a few months of really, extremely digging this one dude, things didn’t work out. Surprise, surprise.
I had a good conversation about this with my friend Desmond last night. Part of the conversation (and my entire latest man situation) made me sad. Part of it made me smile and laugh. But all in all, it made me reflect on a few things.
I really deserve to be treated with warmth, compassion, kindness…or, as Diddy said months ago, I deserve to have my expectations met.
I do have some bitterness, yes I do. I don’t know why I hope that one day, when he calls, he’ll just say “You know what, Rashid? Fuck it, let’s be together. I’m sorry.”
But you can’t expect “sorry” from people like that. I dunno, at this point it’s not as personal as it might have been a year ago, or five years ago.
I’m not trying to start off my new year on a sour note, just an honest one. Y’all know how I do.
I did learn one thing, though. And it’s not just advice for myself, because in general, I really am not feeling the long-distance thing. But if you are someone who believes in it, here is the advice:
Be prepared to maintain a certain level of intensity for the duration of the relationship. People who date other people in the same city get to see each other as often as they want, without regard to money spent on travel or so-called “daytime minutes.” There are more opportunities to “show” how much you care about somebody when you live near each other. When you are in a long-distance relationship (or courtship) there is no way to “show” how much you care – you must tell the other person! And if the other person is me, tell them frequently!
As I told Desmond last night, I am insecure about such things – with good reason! We both had a good laugh at that one. But seriously…I can’t maintain a courtship through the fog of second-guesses. Communicate with me. Communicate with me constantly.
Anyway, my point…intensity is important in long-distance relationships. No, you don’t have to call every day. But if that’s how your relationship began, don’t change it up without adequate warning. Don’t make your partner guess. And when your partner feels neglected, don’t treat him (or her) like anything less than your equal.
O-Ren Ishii aka Cottonmouth had to come out only once during this latest fiasco. (It wasn’t really a fiasco, but I so enjoy the word that I had to use it.) The dude started doing this Socratic thing where he was asking me all these leading questions to prove his own point. I had to say HOLD UP, PATNAH…I deaded that one real quick. Don’t try to minimize my feelings…
Yes, I run hot and cold. Yes, I flip-flop. I do try to protect my heart. That’s an open secret. When we were talking, I wanted to talk to him more. I was trippin’ when I didn’t hear from him. I’M INSECURE, D’UH! lol….but that was so not the POINT, ya know? But like, when I say “Let’s just be friends” don’t fucking start to call me MORE!!! Ugh! That brings me back to something I said earlier…I WANT him to say “I fucked up – you were THE ONE but I fucked up.” But that’s obviously not going to happen BECAUSE HE JUST DOESN’T LIKE ME THE WAY I LIKED HIM! Why can’t I understand that? No matter how many fucking a-holes in the past have put me through the exact same roller coaster, I still can’t get a handle on the fact that they NEVER come crawling back.
I have, however, learned this…and this time better than before, I understand…
It’s not my fault.
I think this past time, although I did come out of my own comfort zone more than I wanted to, I felt that I was in more control than usual. I wasn’t swept up into the whole romance of the situation. Lucky for me he just wasn’t that romantic in the first place, so I guess that was a blessing.
Don’t get me wrong…I liked him a lot. I really really did. Like, definitely husband material. I don’t think I’ve ever dated someone who I was so ready to drop everything for.
But for whatever reasons, he didn’t really want the same thing from me at the same time. Had this been a year from now, maybe. A year ago, possibly. But for whatever reason, we met each other at a point where we thought we knew what we were looking for, found it, then…whatever.
Shit happens.
Now, this all went down weeks ago. Yeah, it’s still raw for me because we’re friends. And I won’t say that it’s hard to be his friend – he’s a great person. But I do need some space and time. I can’t just jump into being in his circle – I know his friends in the context of “I like you so I am going to be on display until I know your friends like me.” I know, they probably don’t think of me in that way, but meeting all his friends was a very pressure-filled weekend for me – I don’t think he fully appreciated that.
They say the best way to forget a man is with another man. LOL maybe they don’t and I just made that up.
It’s weird being on the “dating” scene again. It’s a drag, really, because god dammit if I just didn’t spend three months courting somebody else. Dammit if I didn’t just tell my entire life to somebody else. DAMN do I really have to do this again????
In 2005, I gave men the opportunity to step up their game. In 2006, no more chances. Come correct, or don’t come at all. Come correct – all the time – or step to the side and give somebody else a chance. Do everything right the first goddamned fucking time.
In 2006, you will earn the right to compromise. I apologize in advance, but…no more. Blame the men that came before. But I gotta do what I gotta do to be protected and feel protected. And loved. And desired.
The worst feeling in the world (to me) is to have given of myself, both literally and figuratively, for what amounts to nothing. To have invested so much into a person (or people) who threw you away, or changed their minds after they slept with you.
It makes one feel like a whore, even if that’s not what you set out to do.
Which goes back to my whole push for celibacy thing. Can’t feel like a whore if I don’t have sex, now can I?
And trust me…I’m not on a hate all men kick. I am going to enjoy dating! But this will all be on my terms.
Some might think I have built a wall…I just think I have raised the bar…so high, that the man who reaches it will be “the one.”
Or Jesus.
Whoever comes first.
Posted on at 9:16 PM
The Hurting Time by Annie Lennox
To everything there is a purpose ...
To every blade of grass
And every leaf on every tree
Every livin' thing will surely
Come to pass
And what will be will be ...
That's when the hurtin' time begins
And all the things you never said
Or didn't have the strengh to say
And everything you ever did
That time won't ever wash away
Fears that you've been livin' with
Come runnin' down your face
Runnin' down your face
When the hurtin' time begins ...
So tell me what the day brings
Has it lost it's thrill?
Are you still searching
Hoping for that
Space to fill ...
Everything you turn to
Is like a mirror on the shelf
And the only one you're blaming
is yourself
A million little deaths you've died
The times that you've been crucified
The more you've loved and lost and tried
And still could not be satisfied
When will you be satisfied?
When will you be satisfied?
Not till the hurtin' time begins
Posted on December 17, 2005 at 10:09 PM | Comments (0)
The Revenge of Adam4Adam
What in the Sam Hill?????
U make a brother want to dive deep into your treasure box and explore your love tunnel. Then slowly lick and suck those nipples until u scream stop...lol...just a brother way of saying hello.....
And another:
Hot man! Would luv to fuk u sometime. No strings, no relationship, just fukkin. If dat excites u, hit me bak. If not, peace.
First of all.....I know I don't look THAT goddamn good. So stop exaggerating.
What in the hell is WRONG with people? I've been on A4A a little more frequently these days (which is ironic because I have less time). I haven't connected with anyone, but people are contacting me because of LAZARUS, which is great news. I've always maintained that A4A was 99 percent for the promotion of my novel and 1 percent entertainment.
It's not a bad website -- it's probably one of the best dating sites I've seen around.
But I have high standards. I'm not going to respond to notes that don't meet my intellectual standards. I went to college, bitch! LOL....that means approach me like you and I both have some goddamned sense.
And I am a gentleman, dammit! A GENTLE MAN! Treat me gently and treat me like a man....don't talk about my love tunnel and sucking my nipples.
UGH!
Posted on December 14, 2005 at 7:40 PM | Comments (8)
response
with apologies to erykah badu
i want to walk up behind you and
kiss you on your neck
but
in this earthly shell
i can only reach that spot
between your shoulder blades
i walk up behind you and
kiss you there
and i am a butterfly
making love to every inch of you
exactly as god made you
a beautiful tapestry of
light and dark and light and dark and
i am the tickle that you feel right now
i could be divine and bring water to your mind
but i’d rather bring you earth
the soil from the garden where
adam and [st]eve once lived
the dirt between the toes of the free ancestors
the mud on the clothes of the enslaved
the clay from mississippi riverbeds
the soil from gardens of our grandmothers
the sand from the playgrounds and the beaches
the dirt roads you drive over
the dust that clogs my lungs
i bring earth to your mind and it
warms
soothes
nurtures
protects
it lives
it inspires
it is
me
it is
you
you and me
are divine
i give you earth and kiss you
from the inside
Posted on December 11, 2005 at 9:00 AM | Comments (0)
Elaborate Lives
I appreciate Elton John and Tim Rice for writing this.
We all lead such elaborate lives
wild ambitions in our sights
How an affair of the heart survives
days apart and hurried nights
Seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to live like that
seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to love like that
I just want our time to be
slower and gentler, wiser, free
We all live in extravagant times
playing games we can't all win
Unintended emotional crimes
Take some out, take others in
I'm so tired of all were going through
I don't want to live like that
I'm so tired of all were going through
I don't want to love like that
I just want to be with you
Now and forever, peaceful, true
This may not be the moment
to tell you face to face
But I could wait forever
for the perfect time and place
We all lead such elaborate lives
We don't know whose words are true
Strangers, lovers, husbands, wives
Hard to know who's loving who
Too many choices tear us apart
I don't want to live like that
Too many choices tear us apart
I don't want to love like that
I just want to touch your heart
May this confession
Be the start
Posted on December 9, 2005 at 7:02 PM
Stop Trippin
slow down the usual sprint.....
internalize....internalize....internalize....
Posted on November 30, 2005 at 1:23 PM
Another day....
Maybe one day I will be normal. Nothing is ever easy with me. It's always a thought, a process, an obsession. All that.
I am always feeling like I need to apologize for something.
I'm just trying to learn and be better and be happy.
Posted on at 12:41 PM
The more I talk....
...the more I fuck shit up.
Posted on November 29, 2005 at 9:39 PM
From the Diary
How do you know when you love somebody?
When do you tell somebody that you love them?
One summer I remember the first time I told Zero that I loved him.
...
This thing is making me confront myself. It's making me recount the mistakes that I made and the mistakes that happened to me.
It hurts. Sometimes.
And I'm crying. And I'm asking myself why I'm crying. At first I say that I don't know. But I know that I am replaying the past hurt in order to create a brand-new future that doesn't replay mistakes and missteps.
If I had died a month ago, say maybe in a plane crash over Philadelphia, I would have said that Zero was the great love of my life. Which is pretty silly, considering that he never really loved me back the same way.
All of my close friends know who Zero is. And all of them have wanted him dead on occaision. (I have great friends.) But Zero will always be part of my life. To steal a notion from Brent, it's like we have this bastard child together. We try to be friends...we are friends. For the sake of the child, at least. Relearning how to be his friend has been an arduous process for me. It's something that I probably won't do for anyone else.
This past month has brought much introspection. I don't want to be with Zero. Not only do I not want to be with him, the type of person that he is doesn't fit with the type of person that I need.
A relationship is not based on moments, and moments were all I had with Zero, literally and figuratively. I strung together these moments and had myself a perfect little fantasy. I fell in love with romance itself and got hurt.
Zero tried, though. I value him because even though he knew I was crazy, he waited. Why? I don't know. I haven't yet gained the self-esteem to understand why. But he waited. And though we're lovers no more, we're friends. My mind is around that. It's still a lesson, but I'm passing.
...
As the weeks go by, I find that I hate him no less. That surprises me. I am disappointed in myself.
I felt as though I had "won" when I saw his IP address in my stats, even after his hateful email to me. Why visit my site? Why read my blog? I MUST BE THE SHIT!
But what did I really win?
He was an immature manipulator and always was. Every few weeks was another argument with the same circle of female friends. And on learning the details, it was always the result of some faggish behavior on his part.
He was in a dead-end job with no chance for advancement, chasing dreams with no concrete plan, no charisma, and lived his life in a hetero/homo fantasy world of a "conscious" hip-hop message board. (Maybe it's just me, but I find it bizarre and off-putting when one has framed pictures in their living room of people they've only known from the internet.)
There. I got that off my chest.
But the question remains...what did I really win?
...
I wrote a novel called LAZARUS, but I'm the one who needs to
I'm not famous. Not a celebrity. My book is not a bestseller. Most people won't recognize me on the street.
But I have learned a few important lessons on this journey:
1) People can and will leech off of your energy if you let them. Him was one of those people. Zero did that in different ways, too, back in the day. One thing I have to change about my approach to relationships is to realize that all some people see is LAZARUS, or worse yet, "Adrian Collins."
I have 34 people on my buddy list, and the number continues to fall.
2) I am a suffocator. There. I said it. I fall in love way too fast, too hard, and without knowing the other person well enough. Mixing a suffocator with a leech is a deadly combination. The suffocator showers the leech with praise, gifs, affection, and romance. It's never properly arned. I am at fault for that and it's something I'm trying to change.
3) My feelings probably won't be hurt for as long if I abstain from sex until I am in a committe relationship. I've had just under 20 sexual partners in nine years. I have had zero boyfriends. That's not good, especially for someone with old school values. Sure, I was a consenting adult kicking it with other consenting adults, and I regret nothing...but when I look back, I know that I gave sex for love. For a relationship. For the promise of something greater. And it never worked out that way.
So I stopped doing that. So far, so good.
4) Some people are clunkers and it's not my fault.
5) I'm not always right and sometimes I need to apologize.
...
So, remember when I said that certain things happened about a month ago to show me that "God was making room?" Those things were him being an asshole, Dwayne Wayne being...himself, and Zero being Zero but in a good way.
In other words, the total realization, once and for all, no bullshit, that the three most important men in my life at the time were not meant to be my boyfriend, husband, lover, and in some cases not even a friend or an aquaintance.
The next day, I met
Posted on November 18, 2005 at 9:56 AM
Don't Wanna Jinx It
And now it's time for the "Don't Wanna Jinx It" dance.
*dancing*
don't wanna jinx it
don't wanna jinx it
don't wanna jinx it
don't wannnnnnnnnna jinx it
don't wanna jinx it
don't wanna j-j-j-j-jinx it
please oh please oh
please oh please oh
pleaaaaaaase
don't wanna jinx it
:-/
Posted on November 1, 2005 at 11:39 PM
The Deaths of Him and Dwayne Wayne; the Rebirth of 'Shid
One of these days I'll recap the more literary parts of this past weekend -- which was a blast. But for now, some more important things are on my mind.
As of late, I had been resigned to my "fate" -- a prison that I created for myself in which no man would ever be able to woo me, love me, care about me, etc, the way I could ever possibly need them to. Even announcing my vow of celibacy was an extension of that. In a way, it was moreso me announcing that I'd probably never have sex again.
And the first day of my trip, all the negative feelings came back... HIM was the same old him. Doing dumb shit. Really inconsiderate shit. I visited him on Sunday night and made plans to crash there overnight and catch my flight the next morning. I was really looking forward to learning how to be his friend again. It's hard to bounce to a friendship after having strong feelings for someone for so long. And as I say often in these pages, I never felt like he gave me the space I needed to learn how to be his friend.
The kicker was that he chose this particular opportunity to mention that he had a "friend" (a "special" friend I determined after posing the question). That's fine. What's that got to do with me? That's YO business, homie. I'm here to hang out, chill, do the things we can't do as friends because of distance.
So I am okay with the friend. Taken a bit aback, because hey, we talk on instant messenger every day and on the phone at least once a week, and there was only one other time he ever mentioned a guy. (If it was THIS guy, I don't know.)
But no...it didn't stop there. This is HIM we're talking about. He got on the phone with the guy and came INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH ME while on the phone. Like, makes it a point! THEN the motherfucker says "Let me go...I'm being rude. I have GUESTSSSSSSSS."
Er?
I look around to make sure I hadn't accidentally packed one of my Kindergarteners with me, but no, it was just me. So he LIED to his new special friend about how many guests he actually had. You can fill in the blanks on your own about why he would have done that. My favorite words in this instance are "insecure" and "immature."
So then, same conversation, he tells old boy to "stay up" so he can talk to him again before he goes to sleep.
So of course, I am like riiiiiight....so you're telling the guy the same things you used to tell me, but in front of my face.
What's really going on? Why am I REALLY there?
So by this time, I am completely turned off....disrespected....NO, I don't want HIM and I wasn't spending the night at his house with any ulterior motives. Needed a place to crash and wanted to genuinely hang out as friends, talk, bond, etc. But it seems as though his intent was to show off his little friend.
And his little friend's 8x10 was so conveniently left on the coffee table.
(No...he's NOT cuter than me. But then again, friends have told me that HIM isn't a looker in the first place. C'est la vie.)
So by then, I have totally shut down. I don't feel like I have anything in common with him. I have lost respect for him. I am wondering why did I just spend like 26 bucks to get from Rittenhouse Square to HIS place when I could have stayed at Dwayne Wayne's!!! Which wasn't that far away from the airport, either.
He asked me if he could do anything else for me before I went to sleep. I gestured to the 8x10 of not-cuter-than-me dude's picture and told HIM "Yeah...take this with you."
Dead serious.
So, he took it. It wasn't in a frame or anything.
I am frustrated at this point. I cry a little. Not sobbing. Just a weep.
Then I call my friend SHIRT TALES who is familiar with the situation. We talked....and talked....well he talked, I whispered. I cried some more. But then, I got better. The most important thing he told me was:
You deserve to have your expectations met.
So profound...so much more specific than "You deserve better."
At that moment, I loved Shirt Tales. We've had conversations before and he's definitely been helpful, but he was seeing me at my darkest hour and knew the PRECISE thing to say. I didn't even know what would have consoled me, but somehow, he did.
People give me good advice all the time, and I know it's good advice, but Shirt Tales hit it dead on. At the right moment.
Before I went to bed that night, I knew that there were still good men out there in the world. I didn't have to "have" them in order to feel complete -- I AM complete. Shirt Tales is someone I feel like I would ruin if we ever got together, LOL. Not like literally, but you know...I want BETTER for him than I could ever give him. That's not meant to be self-deprecating, but to elevate him.
Before I would go to bed the following night, I would again, and very conclusively, be reminded that there were good men in the world. And maybe, just maybe, there would one day be one for me.
To be continued...
...but not before I tell the tale of how Dwayne Wayne died.
I was with Dwayne Wayne before I made it to see HIM. Dwayne Wayne is cool peeps. But I had another realization...
That nigga could NEVER do anything to destroy something real I could have with anyone else.
A simple revelation....kind like when Sarah utters "You have no power over me" in Labyrinth. In my mind, all at once, it just clicked that though I love him as a person and as a human being, we are too fundamentally different to be anything more than friends.
The person I want to be with, whoever and wherever he is, needs to make me feel special...beautiful...admired...respected.
And neither Dwayne Wayne nor Him have ever made me feel...I dunno...desired? I don't like game-playing, whether intentional or not.
So both die....with more or less a whimper.
I put my head to pillow that night with my emotions in turmoil. I asked Shirt Tales why does everything have to be a LESSON all the damn time? Why can't I just find that person, those persons, the man, MY MAN?
And HIM and DWAYNE WAYNE were old fucking news in the first place.
Well God, there it is....I linger. I wonder and wander. I second guess myself. All the time. The lesson to be learned, the reason these things happened to me on the same day....
God was making room.
To be continued....
Posted on October 19, 2005 at 6:59 PM
The C Word
Not that it's anyone's business....but I'm going to do the celibacy thing until I'm in a committed relationship.
So there.
Posted on October 15, 2005 at 10:12 PM
Adam4Adam -- What De Hell!?!?!
I had an earlier entry about lame pick up lines on Adam4Adam, and here are more:
Cum to Pappa baby! From a 40 year old married man in DC!
Good morning bruh just looking to tap the ass sometimes.No strings,no drama,no games and must be clean. I do have a pic to share. from a 47 year old man in PG County.
Like your look........can relate if you let me. From a very handsome 50 year old....with a nekkid pic!!!
are u horney from a 24 year old grad student in DC.
how u durrin'? from an 18 year old.
can i eat you out dawg????? if ithat yo thang...holla at yo boy.. so we can make it happen From somebody whose profile was deleted already
Posted on October 7, 2005 at 7:04 PM | Comments (11)
Million Dollar Baby and dealing with just being friends, or not
I finally saw Million Dollar Baby....it was really good! I usually don't like the films that win Academy Awards, but this one was really worth it. Plus, Anthony Mackie was in it. He was REALLY good -- and different from his role in Brother to Brother. I'm going to need him to continue acting forever.
People have been asking if I am okay. I am FINE. Romantically, nothing is there and I am cool with that.
HIM is talking to somebody. Why he felt the need to tell me that, I don't know. I don't feel like we're on that level yet where I feel like hearing about those things. I don't even really read his blog regularly. That's my new thing...NOT reading things where I know there is a high likelihood of reading something which will piss me off somehow. Maybe not now, maybe not next week, but eventually.
I asked the last dude (who never did get a codename, did he?) to remove references to me from his blog because he used my real name and had details about our date. I wasn't comfortable with that at first, but because I was flattered, I let it stand. But realizing that people could google it....I became increasingly uncomfortable. And finally, I asked him to edit it.
This little motherfucker then tells me he "philosophy" about his blog, how he doesn't keep it to go back and edit it. Stream of concsciousness and all that bullshit. And I am like I understand that....but blogs are PUBLIC. Ain't NOBODY stopping you from keeping a diary with a pen and paper. So he finally decided to edit my name out (which, since I don't go to his blog anymore, i will never know if he did). But what pissed me off the most was that he even debated it in the first place. I mean shit, isn't that a no-brainer? DON'T put my business on your blog, and if so, have the courtesy to use an alias and as little identifying information as possible.
So, I told him this, then told him that I basically couldn't deal with being his "friend." (See "No We Can't Be Cool")
It's funny how people basically say things to the one they DON'T like or want or love in order to make themselves feel better about hurting someone's feelings.
For instance, when it was quite apparent that HIM just wanted to be friends....well I told him I didn't know how to be his friend and I wasn't so sure that was what I wanted anyway. I mean....it seemed to me that being "just friends" would do more to ease his conscious than it would to ease my mental well-being. So of course, I rey to err on the side of mental well-being more than phony friendships. I mean shit, this is my life here. I don't live for other people just so they will feel better about breaking my heart.
The most recent dude wanted the same thing....and I was just like you know what, fuck it. Don't really need new friends, you know?
Plus, I really do feel like he fetishized my blackness. I really really do.
As for HIM....we're cool. I don't really know why, but we are. I don't mind him talking about his social life, but I'd rather be eased into it. Yes, I am the type of person who needs a conversation about having conversations. I need him to ask me if it's cool that we talk about our social lives with each other. I'd sorta rather not talk about mine with him. Maybe I will one day....but not today.
I'm selfish. But I have to be now.
Ahhhh....maybe one day I won't be so neurotic about these things.
Posted on October 1, 2005 at 10:55 AM
New Husband
Aaron Parcham.
Figure skater.
Ethnically, he is a Hottie from the Hottie McHotHot Clan.
Okay, so ethnically, I don't know what the hell he is. But thank god for ESPN tonight for introducing him to me.
Posted on September 26, 2005 at 10:21 PM | Comments (7)
Too Much......
it aint that what u got aint enough....maybe its what u got is much too much for any ordinary man to handle.
Words to ponder, indeed.
Posted on September 25, 2005 at 11:52 AM
No, we can't be cool.
This isn't going to work, man.
I really don't feel like I can be cool with you.... I find myself resenting you an awful lot, cussing everytime I think about how things have gone down, and I'm not really too cool with how you handle things between us. I feel like it shouldn't have even been a question of whether or not you would edit your entries. But it had to be a debate....had to be about you. And that's cool, it can be about you -- as we all should be about ourselves. In a way, the things I am going through right now aren't even about YOU per se. But I can't deny that letting you run your fingers through my hair didn't have at least a little bit to do with why I cut them.
Whatever it is I am going through, I need to go through without you being a presence in my life right now. If I ever get over it, and you feel like being cool, I would like that. But for right now, I have to do me.
-------
All or nothing, motherfuckers.
Posted on at 11:46 AM
This is the thing....
I don't feel like writing about how well my signing went at the step show tonight, or who I met, or how thankful I am for all the people that stopped by and showed love, or helped out in some way. Those folks will get thanked off the blog.
Nor am I going to address the emails I've been getting about "my little love series, tee hee" as a 'friend' termed it. Hi, this is my fucking LIFE here, not a "little love series, tee hee."
The thing is that my life is upside down right now, and even more so as the days go by. The Lazarus stuff is GREAT! Work is GREAT! Home life is GREAT! I couldn't be happier.
And yes, there were lots of attractive men where I was tonight. Even fine Iotas! I am like damn, when did Iotas get hot?
Anyway....this is my outlet. You will not find sanity in this blog.
I keep typing and retyping this paragraph.....I guess to an extent, I shouldn't sink to the level of the slime I've been attracted to lately. It's tough, though.
I'm just so glad that my eyes are continually opened to what's going on around me. Shit is crazy...shit is wild. I am like....damn, for really?
When HIM wants you to be with someone you deserve...shit is wild.
When you want someone who hops from abusive relationship to abusive relationship....
When you realized you've been the victim of yet another black man fetish....
Or Alpha fetish....
When your blog entries become "little love series'".....
Shit is wild.....I am like whatever....
One of my coworkers always says "This is pure insanity."
This shit really is.
I have very few REAL friends. I think that's normal. But it's wild. It's like....I don't think it's unreasonable or unrealistic to have friends that you never argue with. I NEVER have arguments with my friends. Seriously. My friends are very intiutive, sensitive, all that.
I am just tired and rambling now, but I still have so much swimming in my head... sex.... romance.... men.... relationships.... whoredom.... fetishes....
And more that I won't say because I don't want to believe it.
Posted on at 12:32 AM
Is your game really that wack or am I just not interested?
Sometimes I think people are full of it when they say "Stop looking for the right man, the right man will find you."
No....the wrong men are tenacious, didn't you know that?
It's sorta how people in NPHC organizations say we don't recruit and that the aspirants come to us. Well, after decades of letting the aspirants come to us, look where we've come to: pledge deaths and lawsuits.
Speaking of which, I saw my General President and the Queen Busilus (inside joke) of AKA yesterday. I went to the APhiA CBC reception. It was nice. I wonder how much it cost.
The NBJC conference was hot.
Looking forward to the step show tomorrow -- teaming up with Lori Lincoln, which should be really cool.
Posted on September 23, 2005 at 4:11 PM
I think....
I think that I have probably gone off the deep end, for real this time. And the funny thing is that neither the work life or my life as an author are suffering. It's just everything about the personal life that's helter skelter.
When I have close friends, I have really really close friends.
All or nothing.
But break that trust and it will rarely be rebuilt. Abuse my emotions, lie to me, lie to me through yourself, be unsure of what you want, kiss me then tell me it would never work, hug me then tell me you've got to do "you."
That shit fills me with rage. Inconsolable and unrepairable, so don't try.
If I peeled off my skin like a banana or an orange could, I wonder if I'd still be sought after. If I were a mass of pink and white flesh, no tan, no hair, just a grown garbage pail kid, I wonder if anyone would even pretend to love me then.
I know what Na'im said to me last night. It's what's on the inside...the intelligence is what people are attracted to. Okay, cool. I'll give him that. But what I am saying here is that whatever it is that I have isn't quite enough.
I keep my eyes and mind open to any and all possibilities, the younger and the older, the closer and the further. Farther? The niggas and the wiggas and the sand niggas and the eucalyptus leaf niggas.
All have failed.
I am not sad. I am stating the facts, as I have time and again, and positing the theory that there is no one for me.
And no, we can't have a conversation about this -- the comments are off you suckers! MUHUHAHAHAHA! ;-)
I haven't been this open in a while now....don't really care too much anymore. I have no one to impress and my work speaks for itself.
In fact.....I am going to reopen some old posts.
Sex and Romance is once again on like popcorn.
Posted on September 22, 2005 at 7:40 AM
Men are crazy
I had a VERY good conversation with one of my friends last night who is in the same boat as I am with the menfolk. Our conclusion was that everyone is wack and crazy except us.
Posted on September 20, 2005 at 6:23 AM
It's not even....
"THE BEST BRIDGE BETWEEN despair and hope is a good night's sleep." -- Harry Ruby
Thanks, Harry, but I'm still in a bad mood.
It's not even the guy that I'm mad at, though he is part of it. It's the cyclical nature of the whole thing. It's the fact that there doesn't seem to be anyone who understands me who will also fight for me. No one who feels like I'm worth it. No one who will tell me that I'm beautiful and mean it.
No one who gets me....no one who truly understands. And the ones that do either have boyfriends or are straight.
I am quitting the dating scene. It's all about Lazarus. That's all people really want anyway.
Fuck it.
Posted on September 19, 2005 at 6:32 AM
All men...
Men suck.
To the devil with you ALL.
Posted on September 18, 2005 at 11:03 AM
The Hotties of Summer 2005
Maurice Greene:
The Getting Older, But I'd Still Smash Hottie
Actually, he's not that old. Just old in track years.
Lenny Kravitz: The Rock Star Hottie